Thanks alot

From jean's blog:

during dinner, as ivan was just opposite me, i became the most convenient source for him to rant to. for the entire time, he was mostly looking down (pun intended). there are many things i would really love to tell you ivan. during dinner you also mentioned something about change which i’ll briefly mention. but because i’m not comfortable with telling it face to face, and it probably wouldn’t have much effect that way either, here it is in writing:

it is somewhat nice (for lack of a better word) for us girls to know that a guy likes you. and yes, it can be sweet if he has liked you for a long time. unfortunately it is not always mutual and reciprocated, and again unfortunately the guys have to bear the brunt and embarrassment of rejection. (it’s not like we enjoy rejecting too yeah..) and when we do say no, we mean it (one of the rare times that a woman means it when she says no), so we’d really like to help you to get over us and move on and find someone else better. so when it seems like you haven’t, and you keep asking and trying again, but it will always be that same answer you will get, it becomes irritating and annoying. perhaps in some situations and manner, she might have given you false hope or suggested something otherwise, but like you said, now things have changed. the situation is different now as compared to then, and i hope you will take this as the final answer. as we grow older, we are bound to meet people along the way and find partners. remaining as friends is always a possible alternative, but it won’t work out when you want it to be more than ”just friends”, because we remain distant and wary because we know you are still not over it.

i hope what i’ve just said speaks for most girls, meaning her included. give it a thought, and set your mind on a final decision, and follow it hard, and looking ahead in achieving other things in life..like establishing a career ie. getting a good degree with honours. yeah? you can do it ivan. you need to set those goals, and look to attaining them. maybe in this way, you’d be your “cold, cruel and efficient” old self again, but more importantly confident and successful, yeah?

Well, just want to say thanks. It may not seem like much, but at least now i understand. Its time i stopped brooding over her and just got on with my life. Listening to Firmin and reading what you wrote knocked some sense back into me. Thanks a million guys.

The Kill

The Kill, basically is about the 2 sides of a person. One side wants to move on with life, start afresh and carry on. The other wants to hold on to the past. Its about the struggles faced by a person who just wants to move on, but the past keeps cathing up with him. Kinda like what i'm going through now. Anyway, hate it or like it, here's the video. I like the song, but the video kinda sucks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF1wZQzpeKA

The friggin thing still doesn't allow me to show the video properly. Sorry for the link again. Maybe its just that i'm too computer illiterate that's why it doesn't allow me to do it properly. The computer hates me. Oh well.

Dead ends

Its funny how things come to an end. They always leave an after taste at the back your mind, like the taste you get from drinking too much coke and not washing your mouth out. It somehow sucks, but at the same time it gives that sweet taste once in awhile, when you least expect it. The way things are, i think i'm finished. I haven't exactly been the best guy around, but i tried, i really did. I'm a bad person, a bad son and a bad friend.

Had dinner with some of the councillors yesterday. As usual, i pulled a long face and generally spoilt everyone's mood for the rest of the evening. To those people who tried to help me out last night, and for plain listening to me rant on and on like a drunkard, thanks a million. You guys rock! Ben and Miah, you guys still crack me up somehow. All your bloody crazy antics can make any guy's day, no matter how fucked up its turning out to be. Jean, somehow you just kept listening to my ranting. Thanks. It may not have seen like much but at least that prevented me from killing someone with my steak knife. And lastly, Charissa, for organising the dinner. No doubt you screwed it up a bit, but you're forgiven, cause you gave the opportunity to just plain hang out.

Today, i met up with my bro and Firmin for lunch in camp. I thought KP was going to pay for lunch but i eneded up paying for the lot. Kinda gay, but its ok. Its nice to meet up with friends for a meal and stuff. So KP came late and i had a nice long talk with Firmin. Talked about a whole load of things. And after talking to him, i realised something about myself. All those self-esteem test we used to take back in sch, saying things that i have high self-esteem and stuff? All utter bullshit! I realised that i really hated myself. I don't hate anyone at the moment, and i'm not pissed with anyone other than myself. I hate the person i've become, a shade of my past when i used to stand tall in the crowd. Nowadays, i just cower in my corner, buried in self pity and in a constant state of self loathing. And when i look at this i think, how the hell did i turn out like this? I used to be so.. different. I used to hold my head high and walk about. I used to be able to deal with my problems, i used to be effective and efficient. I've started to whine about everything. I can't handle my problems and i have lost my cutting edge, the edge that made me the best before.

I long for days long past. I long for the days when i was known as being cold cruel and efficient. I hated it back then, but it seems that that was when i was the happiest. Really. Just me being cold, cruel and efficient.

Over My Head

I've got so much going through my head right now that i think i'm heading for an overload. Its just that there are so many issues which seem to be bugging me these days. Work, family and friends among other things. So this post is going to be super random, full of random rants and thoughts, just a way for me to dump it all out (like dumping rage using Execute). Here goes...

Let's start with work. Here i am, 5 and half months to the day i rejoin the civilian world. Less than 150 days and i'll be there. It seems like a short time but in actual fact, i'm starting to feel the pinch now. So close yet so far. and my workload. The less said about it the better. NDP, BPCC and AESC all coming up before the 4th of November. Its a s crazy as it sounds. This is really going to drain me of a hell lot of my time and energy, so excuse me if i turn all zombie-ish when the going gets tough. I have been going zombie very much more often recently and i don't really enjoy it. A whole load of other factors come into play but generally, its work that causes the worst of it.

Next, family. All of s sudden, it seems that my whole family is against me. As stated in an earlier post, it all boils down to money and the way i spend it. Sometimes i feel that i can never meet my parents expectations of me. I haven't exactly been the perfect son (that would be my older brother) and have let everyone down in more ways than one. It feels like i'm not needed and that i'm the black sheep. The son who should just stay away. A mistake in a family full of perfection. Me on the other hand? Less than perfect, educational screw up and pain in the ass. No wonder everytime i open my mouth to my parents, all i get is a shelling which leaves me in a black mood for the rest of the day, cooping myself up in my room draining my life away on the notebook. Explains the reason why i want to get out of the house so much during my Uni days so that i can just concentrate on what i need to do rather than having to worry about what others think of me all the time.

Friends. Do i have any? Did i have any? It seems more and more that my only friend is turning out to be my notebook and WoW. Its easy to be cool online where anonimity is king. But in real life? Again, i'm a failure. The friends i made in college, in school all seem to be fair-weather ones. They are there when the takings are good, when there is fun to be had. But when you really need them, where are they? Are they going to be there when you are at the point of self-destruction? Or are they just going to say, " Oh sorry, i'm busy, can't talk right now." or better yet " Umm, yeah ok sure i'll be there" but when its tme to be there, there will always be another excuse to be had. Tuition, dinner, concert to attend, a new lover. So due to this lack of real friends, its only normal to turn to those that a) will always be there b) don't talk back and c) help pass the time when there's no other good option. This in turn leads to what i call 'Self-Destruction' of nearly everything else in your life. You become a social vegetable, afraid of the Sun and town become as foreign as Timbuktu.

I've covered the 3 main issues i'm facing right now. There are other issues which i find rather redundant to discuss. i'm sure you guys are tired reading of my failed this and that. After all, its expected of one like me. rant and repeat the same mistakes all over again, especially when it comes to the girls. I'm a sucker for it and i hate to admit it, but i don't think i'll ever learn. Its just some stupid thing programmed in me. Why do i care so much about people who generally don't care if i'm even still alive. Sigh. Life sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Or is it getting better and i just can't see it becoming so?

I Close My Eyes

Remember something i wrote last year, just after i got my A level results (the screwed up piece of shit). It was lyrics to a jap song that i heard and i really liked. Well, it so happened that i watched a movie with the song as its theme song, Crying Out Love in the Centre of the World. Its jap, so for those people who don't like it or what, turn away now. Anyway, it was a really sad movie and i really enjoyed it. Ok, the actress was rather hot (Masami Nagasawa) but what really made me enjoy the show was the innocence of youth and... Argh! You've got to go watch the movie yourself to understand it. So just as a teaser, i've put the song from the OST of the movie here. I Still can't figure out the bloody making the video pop out thing so there's the link. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L8mFhciALk

So its been about a month now, trying to get over it. I think i'm more or less going in the right direction. Somehow, things don't hurt that much when a) you're too busy to think about it and b) you're kinda stoned most of the time. But shit, its really hard. I never imagined love could cause so much pain. Its just that somehow, sometimes, you wish that things could have worked out. That you knew then what you know now. But still, when the distractions come to and end, or when time seems to stand still between jobs and you've got nothing on your hands to do except watch and wait, the feelings, the memories, good and bad all come rushing back again. Worse still, all the places i go, the meomories they bring back. Damn, its so difficult to let go of them. Places i pass by often, the Sakae sushi outlet that we had our first lunch alone together. Places in school, the lecture rooms the council room, the prayer room. Places where we just plain had fun, De La Salle School. And even some army camps, OCS during Temasek Seminar. All these places the memories. Sometimes i can still hear her laughter ringing down the hallways. It all comes back in the quiet moments.

Sometimes, i close my eyes and i see you there in front of me. But as i reach out to hold you, it seems as though you are slipping farther away from me. I guess that you already have. I've really tried to let you go but its just so hard to do. I'm weak. Really i am. I don't know how i'm ever going to get through this. Too many memories that i just cannot let go of.

Just a Little Something

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Stole this from miah's blog, did my own profile and voila! My very own DNA of sorts.

Woot!

Its back! Its finally back! My blogger works!!! Finally!!!

More post coming soon. Watch this space.

Spider Sense

Caught Spiderman 3 sometime last week, and i must say that it was a pretty good movie, and i would recommend it to anyone looking for a bit of action. Well, its not all action though. In my opinion, the Spiderman franchise is really a crash course on philosophy and sociology, with a whole load of human relations stuffed with it. I really enjoyed it, mostly because i can see myself exactly like Peter Parker. Other than for swinging around on a web and saving New York City from a whole bunch of psychos, he really is like anyone else. He's a loser when it comes to women, just like me and he always seems to be doing the stupidest things. And when it comes to the woman he loves, his attempts are feeble, if not pathetic at times and he's always screwing it up with her even with the best intentions. Despite this, unrequited as the love may be, he still adamantly holds on to the hope that somehow, things would work themselves in the end.

I guess that every guy has their Mary-Jane Watson. She was Mary-Jane to me, in more ways than one. Its just taht things don't seem to work out even when i really make an effort. Unfortunately for me, my life is not a movie and it seems impossible that we would have a happy ending. All i forsee is a bitterness that would run deep in my bones and a pain in my heart that may never cease to be there. Unlike Peter Parker, there is only how much i can handle in a relationship and i think i'm almost at my breaking point. There are always limits and those limits are almost reached. As much as i hate to say it, i need a way out, something which is harder than fighting 3 villians at the same time (if u get my drift).

Spiderman is not about the action sequences. Sure they may look cool and the visuals are stuning, but that's not the point. Spiderman was created for all those nerdy losers (think me) who couldn't hold on to a functional relationship, who can only be the guy to go to when the girl is raging over a break-up, who is always left alone once the girl figures that she's ready for another relationship but not with him, and for the guy who's searching for vindication in the fucked world. Look at Aunt May and you'll understand why i say this. Her lines may be cheesy and downright corny, but when you look at it the way i do, they do make a whole lot of sense. The advice she gives Peter has real world consequences and can be applied to everyday life.

Seriously, i would have loved to watched the movie with her, but i guess that its not possible. Go watch it, but this time, don't just look at the action but rather, look at the real battles that a tortured soul has to fight in order to hold onto the things he holds so dear to his heart. His family, his friends and the woman he loves. Come to think of it, i feel like watching it again, but not alone.

Hope you're happy

Its been what, almost a week now. I guess that things are getting better now that i finally decided that i wanted a break from all the shit i've been going through. Hell, its been more than a year since we left school. Things change, people, places memories. I've changed, whether for the better or for worse, i've still yet to find out. But most importantly, YOU'VE changed and there is nothing i can do to change you back to when i first fell for you. Well, over the past few days i've been hearing some terrible rumours about you and you were just playing me all along. Just so you know, i don't subscribe to them and even if i did, i think they shouldn't affect me because i'm making a conscious effort to put things back to normal between us. Either way, i think i still need time away. The hardest part is yet to come. I've accepted the fact, now its time for me to dettach and get on with my life. Sometimes, to do the right thing requires that you be steady, even if it means giving up the very things which you hold dearest in your life. You most probably think what i'm writing is rubbish, but this time i mean it. Hope i have the willpower to see it through to the end. Even if it requires that i make a total break, i'll do it, because i'm really tired. Tired of being a slave to this problem which has been going on for years. It has to end.

Anyways, after a long time trying to level up my character in WoW, i decided to take time off to head down to town. I think WoW is starting to kill me, even though it is so much fun. I need a break, but i also need people to go out with. I'm now officially a social vegetable when it comes to this. No, i don't club. No, i rarely go out to drink. And no, i don't think i'm ready to go looking for another girl right now, not after all that i've been through. And my network of friends? Well, lets just say its grown considerably smaller since i left school. Other than for miah, ching, kp, pido, don and maybe khai, the others are almost as good as strangers to me. I really have no idea what went wrong. Was i too obssessed? Maybe. Did i choose the wrong people to befriend? I don't think so. The people i knew were great when we spent time back in school. Was i too much of an asshole? Probably, but i really tried to be less of one. Seriously. Somehow or rather, things i did in the past bite me in the ass all the time in more ways than one.

Sigh. So i step into this phase of life with nothing much to look forward to in life other than the elusive level 70, balzefury, tier 5 armour, ORD in 6 months and maybe, just maybe a better social life. Other than that, i'm pretty much screwed. Oh wells, looks like i'm off to a fantastic start in my life of pathetic mediocrity, just another of those mindless drones working day in and day out, never to do anything extraordinary other than to pay my taxes to the government that sees me as just another number in the long list of other numbers. Just another one of their poor sad sods to throw at the aggressor when they come thundering down from wherever they may come from.

Again, i had another arguement with my parents. Why do they always seem to be so cheap all the time, yet they spend money on my older brother, financing not only his education, but also his merry trips around the whole up europe? And then when i ask them for simple things like letting me stay in the hostel while i'm studying in NUS? They always get angry saying that its expensive and all that blah. And when i ask if they could maybe finance me on a trip after i ORD? The same reaction. They just get angry with me and then brush me off. And to make things worse, they persist to be angry and go about telling all my relatives about how spendtrift i am and how 'guai' my older brother is. I mean like what the fuck? Just because he's the oldest, does that mean he gets the best of everything? Does being the secind child in the family attract so much angry and resentment that my parents literally do not care? I know that i haven't been the best of sons, but does that give them the right to treat me worse than my other siblings? I always get last dips on everything. And when my siblings want things they get it. When i want something, maybe just a shirt or a new pair of jeans, what do i get? A tongue lashing from my mum about saving money, my dad will go on harping about how hard he has to work to earn that sort of money, even if it was only $39.90. Then when i go and use my own money, the money which i spend 5 days a week, 9 hours a day earning, the whole cycle repeats itself all over again. And they said retail therapy is good for you, i say BULLSHIT. For God's sake, stop being so cheap. You're a doctor for crying out loud. Doctors are supposed to be rich. Why does it seem that you're the exception? Why does it seem that i'm always the one to take the flak from my parents anger. I've tried so hard to please them and make them worry less about me and this is what i get in repayment? Thank you very much for helping me enjoy my childhood. Really. If there's anyone to balme for my current state, go blame yourselves.

Shit. Don't get me wrong, i really do love my parents. Its just that sometimes the decisions they make and the way they treat me, as though i'm the trash son of the family, it just pisses me off. And the way they try to control my every action in my life and the way they try to steer me to become what they think is the 'perfect' son just gets on my nerves. It just seems that i'll always be the black sheep of this family, whether i like it or not. After all, i was the one who screwed up nearly every national examination, gave the most amount of problems and stuff like that. What can i say, i've destroy nearly everyone's dreams and hopes.

Its been a long post, so i think i'll stop here. I still need time to sort out my problems, maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months. I have no idea how i'm going to help myself out his time, but i guess its a start. Slowly things will start looking up (hopefully) and i'll be back to my normal self again and this time come out stronger than before.