Bittersweet Romance

I guess i've finally come to terms with it. It was most probably never meant to work out between us. And well, as i grudgingly let it go, i do not actually feel a whole load of pain, but rather, i'm actually feeling kind of good, like as if a shroud has been lifted from my life. Like a breath of fresh air, i feel better. Its been wearing me down and now that it has been resolved (more or less) its time i stopped sulking and started living my life properly. No more whining about how much things suck, no more wishing and hoping for things which are not meant to be. Its no point crying over spilt milk.

But to put things straight first, i'm not blaming you for putting me in this state. Actually i'm kind of happy that i've had to learn it the hard way. They always say i'm too stubborn for my own good, and all i needed was a good knock form time to time to keep me on the right track. So yeah. Thanks for all the times you've been there for me. Thanks for listening to me bitch and rant and all my nonsense. Thanks for putting up with my dogged persistance in chasing something that was never there. For all the lessons learnt, for all the hurt i've felt, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I think i've learnt to cap my sarcasm and ironic outlook on life. The lessons i've had to learn (albiet the hard way), the sacrifices i've made, may all seem redundant to you (and to me for that matter), but the experience gained? Priceless. Because of you, i've learn to change, from a vulgar and insensitive bum, to a guy who can actually find a caring heart if he really has to. Its all thanks to you. Seriously. If there is anyone i should be grateful for for the lessons learnt in life, you're up there, together with my parents (and maybe God).

To the girl who was the first, this is sort of a tribute to you. I guess that may never read this but it don't matter. You were the first and according to you, there will be others for me. Maybe i will find someone else, maybe i won't. In the end, all that matters is that you're happy. And if you are happy, that's all that i can hope for. I wouldn't force you into doing something you did not like, and i would not force you to like me even. As long as you are happy, i think i can find the happiness inside of me somewhere, in this stone heart of mine. The memories, the lessons, the hurts, the laughs and the tears attributed to you, will remain with me for a long time, till i find someone better or till the day when i can't even remember how to write my chinese name (that day isn't far off, trust me. my chinese has gone to the dumps). You were the first to find a chink in the armour, the cracks in the stone. Maybe i was a fool for falling for you, but a smart fool i've become.Speaking to friends over the past few days, i've come to realise how close i was to losing a friend like you. Just a normal friend. I was that close. But i guess that i've finally woken up. I'm not going to the extremes of deleting you from my contacts, mainly because its is impossible for me to do. I hate to lose friends and so i would have hated losing you, as a friend.

Before i finish up, i just want to apologise. I'm sorry for making your life difficult, for all the awkward moments you had to endure. I don't know whether what i did caused you unneccessary worry. For that, i'm truly sorry. For seeing all my moods, from the nicest, most polite side, to the evil and vulgar side, and most importantly, tolerating them. For all the times when i gave you the snub when u made genuine attempts at friendship, to the times i pissed you off bad enough that you refused to even look at me. For all the time you've wasted on me, trying to get your message across that it will not work out, i'm sorry. And i'm sorry for being a pain to you. I must have caused you much distress, much sleepless nights and stuff, maybe even a few tears. I wouldn't know, but yeah. I'm sorry. There is most probably no way for me to make it up to you, nor do i think i'll even get a chance to do so. But still, i guess that this almost 'public' apology would suffice to appease your good nature, which was one of the reasons i fell in the first place. I really do not know how to make it up to you, so in my little way, i hope you accept the apology. I'm not trying to vindicate myself here, because i know it is insufficient. After all the pain you've been through because of me, its no suprise if u refuse to forgive me, so i leave it all up to you to decide.

And as this bittersweet romance comes to an end, i would like to say thanks, to all those out there who were by my side, through the dark mood swings and the happy ranting on about how i felt. Thanks for listening, thanks for laughing along with me, thanks for comforting me, but most importantly, thanks for being there. And thanks to you. For the lessons learnt, and the values taught. You've made me a changed man, and for that, i'm grateful.

P.S. There were fireworks with your name on it for your birtday. I set them up and launched them for a whole load of people to see. =)

Middle of me.

As much as i want to say something, it just happens that i don't know how to put it down in words. Well, the best way i think is to talk it out with someone. Anyone will do.


I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Are you?


Who's mee? Really? I'm free enough to contact almost anyone, problem is, how do i contact you if i don't even know who you are? Or maybe the answer is obvious, and that i'm so blind not to see it.

The Aftermath

Before anything else, i've only got 1 thing to say: 24 hour guard duty sucks. Its really boring with absolutely nothing to do at all. I managed to finish 2 books during that time, and stupidly enough didn't get much sleep for the whole day. Thank god that the guard commander was a nice guy, we didn't get turned out and the DOS was one of my Coy sergeants. I actually kinda enjoyed myself other than for the boredem part and not being able to spend the Saturday slacking, but who cares? It occupied me from thinking too much about my problems so i'm not complaining.

Sunday morning, played paintball with the guys. The Adeptes Astartes as we were called (cool right). We kicked 31st council ass and raped them 3-0 which is good for a noob like me. Thanks ben for organising the game and thanks to all the guys who went down to play today. If only it was cheaper.. We could play every other week. Haha.

I've been taking unneccessary risk these few days, wonder why. During Cat ! weather in Sungei Gedong, i was standing out in the open just staring into nowhere. Later, my buddy told me that i was talking to myself, and i don't even remember doing it. Then on another occassion, i just turned all 'garang' for no reason and started doing stupid things inside my rig without the proper protective equipment. I could have killed myself. But how is it that i don't really care anymore? I've adopted sort of a devil may care attitude to life. It has thrown all sort of shit at me. Fate or destiny or whatever has given me a horrible hand and so i've decided to fuck life back. Go ahead and make my day, and i'll make yours too. Try anything funny with me and i'll try something funny with you. Just try. Go ahead. You say i'm going crazy? I say hell yeah. Sheesh! Does it really have to come to this? Its not that i would want it to turn out this way, but its the only way i know how to face my problems. Give me strength, give me back the days when life was simpler.

On a lighter note, i get the strangest feeling that i'm actually getting slightly better. I think i may just give it one more shot. Just one more try. If nothing happens, i know that i've wasted my time. If something does happen (most probably not) then i'll be back to my cheerful and happy self once again. Just so you know, i'm going to put in my fullest effort for the next few weeks at least and see what happens, sort of like last burst of fire before a retrogade I'm slowly working my way out of the rut and hopefully i'll stay out of it this time rather than fall into the never ending abyss of crap i'm going through now.

I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, i flew too high. Like Icharus i collide. With a world i've tried so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to live an die.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY CORNER TO DIE....

Faded

Ok, so it wasn't so bad after all. Signed one extra duty for the farcas which happend last week. Will be serving it this Saturday (bloody 24 hour duty), which puts me in certain jepoardy with my plans to go paintballing on Sunday morning. Well, what can i say other than just shut up and eat the shit. Should still be able to make the game time though. Finish duty by 0745 and i'll leave camp by 0830, leaving me half an hour to take a cab down to the place. At least then ben won't rip my head off for not turning up, though i may misfire like a chao recruit because i'm just so damn tired (24 hour duty = no sleep for at least 18+ hours). Anyway, i'm kinda glad that the only punishment i'm getting is 1 extra duty and nothing else. And the best part is that my December is not screwed because of it. I'm really really really really very lucky. Haha.

Oh yah, to the council guys, this is an open invite to my birthday party on the 16th of Dec. Yup, the youngest councillor is finally 19 years old. Haha. The girls don't seem interested so its all up to you. And remember to bring the implements of torture. I'm daring u guys to try to wassup me, though my parents wouldn't really care. Booze will be almost free-flow i guess, just 'kope' some from my bro's party doen the corridor. Yup. So we'll most probably booze till late, then my room (and whichever part of the house not being slept on by my bro's friends) is yours to command or sleep upon, where upon at the ungodly (yes, ungodly cos you're all most probably hungover) time you guys get up we can do whatever we want for the rest of the day. So yup. Generic plans so drop me a line if u want to come so i can get the food preped and ready to go.

Yep, i'm on the verge of giving up. I've been trying it for what? 2 years already, and yet, all i've gotten were 4 rejections. I mean like, i can't take much more of it. Every night, before i go to bed, i look back and see wasted chances, wasted time. I don't know what drives me to carry on this 'crusade' when what faces me seems like a 99% chance of failure. That's how a part of me feels right now. But another part of me feels different. It somehow feels different this time, like there is a sense of good-feeling in the air, something which i have never felt for quite a long time. Its these differing feelings that seem to be driving me to the point of no return. To pop the question now, to confess all my feelings, or to just let these feelings go away, never to be resurfaced again. I really do not know what to do. Some advice would be good, but all i'm getting are vague answers which carry little weight or are based on personal prejudices of one sort or another. To make matters worse, i sometimes don't even know what happening over the fence. Is she with someone else? Is she going to be receptive? Its these sort of questions that make me wonder. Is love even worth it?

I guess its time i went back to my shell and examine myself before jumping to any conclusions. I guess that its the only way that i will get out of the rut i've been falling back into all these years.

There goes my leave...

Crap. All it takes is one stupid mistake to screw up all my plans for December. Looks like i'll be doing alot of extra duties next month. All because the fugging officers locked the office with the office key inside, and because the irresponsible CQ decided that he didn't want to take the key out before leaving camp. The asshole. Because of that, i most porbably will have to do duties starting from next week onwards. Thank god my CSM is a rather nice guy, so i may be doing weekdays instead of weekends. I hope i don't get too many. At most i think maybe he'll throw like 7 duties at us (total of 5 specs). I think i'll have to do 2 lah. 1 weekend at least. Just hope its not the 16th or the Chrisrtmas period. If not, i'm really screwed. Ah what the hell. I'll just pray about it and hope that maybe we won't get anything other than a very stern warning. It won't happen again i hope. Haha.

Spent half of the last week in Gedong. 1 more week to go and i'm 'free'. Maybe then i'll start enjoying myself. Hope that i'll survive cause i'm really very very very tired with the Army. Oh yes. That reminds me. To all my newly promoted spec friends, welcome to the family brothers! We will not falter! Haha. All the bloody politics they play, i thought that school was bad. Now its worse. People whon cause others to suffer are all assholes (like my CQ). He's a real pain. Even on normal days. This time, he's gone overboard. I'll make him pay, one way or another. Revenge is sweet, but it will be sweeter once he goes down. Haha. That's my evil side speaking, so don't get in my way. I'm seriously ok with people being assholes, cause i'm one myself, but just don't do anything that makes me suffer or hell will break loose. I'm a nice guy. Seriously.

We haven't talked for about a week. Wonder how she is. Maybe i shouldrop her a line. What do you think?

Its GEDONG time!!

I don't believe it. I'm going back to Gedong for a week!! Argh! I hate the bloody place, but i don't have much of a choice. For a whole week, i'll be eating out of boxes, sitting on the ground with no chairs, missing my computer and missing my television too. Not forgetting that i'll be missing my bed back home and all the luxuries which leading an 8 to 5 job bring. Sigh. The inequalities of life and all the bloody ironies it brings. Just 1 more full week and i'll be done. 1 more full week and i'll be back in my nice comfy office clearing whatever work i ahve left, and on the 6th of December... FREEDOM!! 1 month of leave to clear till after boxing day. Not counting my trip to the jolly island of Bintan with my family, that's a total of 17 days of rest and relaxation. Just lazing around not doing anything except sleep, maybe go down to Sentosa for a bit of a look see (its the school holidays man!), put some time in the gym (IPPT in march, aiming for Gold = $200) and most importantly, NOT WEARING GREEN FATIGUES (or using any race that is green for that matter, that's for you ben.. haha). But yeah, just 1 more week and i'll be a super happy man. Just try not to get bogged down with all the back log of work and i'll be fine. Maybe i'll requisition one of my pioneers to do my work for me. Hehe. Now that will be fun. I'll just sit back, relax and pretend that i'm really busy, when in actual fact, i'm sleeping in the bunk. Haha. Till then.

1 MORE WEEK!!!!!!!!

I don't want to lead an Army life. I just want to lead a simple life!

Dreams?

Been having these weird (but good) dreams lately. Wonder what they mean. Roughly it revolves around me chasing someone around, but everytime i seem to be getting close, as i reach out and grab hold of her, it just slips away. Everytime. Maybe it is a reflection of what is happening to me now. I don't know. Dreams can be confusing at times. Still i wonder what they really mean. Am i going to get the prize i've been going for all these years? Or maybe i'm fated not to get it. Who knows? Till i find the answers, i'll enjoy those dreams. They always make me wake up with a fuzzy feeling inside. Wonder why?

Did 2 days of guard duty this week, on Wednesday and Friday, so i'm feeling super zombie and super stoned right now. Crazy. So all i did this weekend was to sleep, play computer (finally installed dark crusade) and eat like a pig, which isn't exactly the best way to spend the weekend. By the way, i had a rather slack week other than for the guard duty. Spent hours on end in the computer labs. Too bad i got to get back out to the field for the next 2 weeks, which is rather crappy in a sense. Other tahn that, i should be fine in camp to say the least. Anyway, speaking of unhealthy habits, i think i should get out more over the weekends. Its starting to get on my nerves (and my parent's nerves) that all i do everytime i'm home is to switch on the computer and just play. I need to start going out more and get a life! Maybe i should get a girlfriend. Haha. That way, i can be assured that i will spend less time around the computer and more time out of the house. Besides, it will freak my parents out if they find out that i'm attached so its an option for me to consider. I was made to make my parents freak out, so i might as well do it while they cans till take stress. Haha. I'm e-vile. So if any single female out there is interested and meets the stringent criteria (its very stringent, trust me), you know what to do.

Sick. I'm shamelessly advertising myself on the net. Haha. Its not right, but its my blog. Who cares? Maybe it could help me solve the riddle of my dreams. That will be nice. And i seriously hope its you and no one else that answers the call. Am i desperate? Maybe. Let's find out. Haha.

What a beautiful smile, Could you stay for awhile? Beautiful love.

Goodbye Again?

It's in your mind,
It's in your eyes.
So it's goodbye again.
It's way past time,
For one last try.
So its goodbye again.
Goodbye again.

So, is it really goodbye for real this time? Is there really no turning back, no way we can resolve the issues? I don't know. Maybe it will solve itself some how. Things in my life seem to have a funny way of resolving themselves, but always in the way that i do not want it to end up. I guess i've just got to suck it up and get on with life. Can't let something like this bog me down from doing the things i really want to do.

Well, WoW subscription ends in 3 days time. I am actually kinda glad that it's ending. That way, i've got more time to do things i want to do. DRIVING! Starting in December when i go on leave. Haha. That would help me get my mind of things, though it won't help me save any money. Speaking about money, i've got to be more prudent in the way i'm spending my cash. Its like going faster than it comes in. Better do something about it if i want to leave the Army with some cash in the account, and its not as if the Army pays me a hell lot. I DON"T BELIEVE I PAID $120 FOR NEW GAMES AND A NEW GAMING MOUSE!!! CRAP! Ok, fine, i got backpaid almost 300 bucks last month, but still it doesn't give me a reason to spend so much at 1 shot. I must be going crazy. Haha.

As my course progresses, it seems to be getting better. Slowly. The warrants are starting to talk less and make more sense, I don't spend so much time waiting for things to happend, I'm not as sai kang anymore and most importantly, i got to g home nearly everyday this week, which is kinda good for me. Problem is that i'm just so damn drained that i can't muster the strength to anything much these few days. I mean like, i've turned into some sort of gaming zombie. Take today for example. I woke up at 10, and started playing computer almost immediately, which kinda sucks. I really am starting to lose my grip on reality. Haha. Not funny anymore. Seriously. Can't let the game take over my life.

Participating in a triathalon at the beginning of next month. Looking at my fitness state, i think i may just drop dead halfway while running. Haha. Better train up, if not for the pride of my unit, then for my own personal pride. There are scores which i have to settle with myself.

Is it goodbye again? I hope. Doing everything in my ability to make sure it goes right this time.