Bittersweet Romance
I guess i've finally come to terms with it. It was most probably never meant to work out between us. And well, as i grudgingly let it go, i do not actually feel a whole load of pain, but rather, i'm actually feeling kind of good, like as if a shroud has been lifted from my life. Like a breath of fresh air, i feel better. Its been wearing me down and now that it has been resolved (more or less) its time i stopped sulking and started living my life properly. No more whining about how much things suck, no more wishing and hoping for things which are not meant to be. Its no point crying over spilt milk.
But to put things straight first, i'm not blaming you for putting me in this state. Actually i'm kind of happy that i've had to learn it the hard way. They always say i'm too stubborn for my own good, and all i needed was a good knock form time to time to keep me on the right track. So yeah. Thanks for all the times you've been there for me. Thanks for listening to me bitch and rant and all my nonsense. Thanks for putting up with my dogged persistance in chasing something that was never there. For all the lessons learnt, for all the hurt i've felt, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I think i've learnt to cap my sarcasm and ironic outlook on life. The lessons i've had to learn (albiet the hard way), the sacrifices i've made, may all seem redundant to you (and to me for that matter), but the experience gained? Priceless. Because of you, i've learn to change, from a vulgar and insensitive bum, to a guy who can actually find a caring heart if he really has to. Its all thanks to you. Seriously. If there is anyone i should be grateful for for the lessons learnt in life, you're up there, together with my parents (and maybe God).
To the girl who was the first, this is sort of a tribute to you. I guess that may never read this but it don't matter. You were the first and according to you, there will be others for me. Maybe i will find someone else, maybe i won't. In the end, all that matters is that you're happy. And if you are happy, that's all that i can hope for. I wouldn't force you into doing something you did not like, and i would not force you to like me even. As long as you are happy, i think i can find the happiness inside of me somewhere, in this stone heart of mine. The memories, the lessons, the hurts, the laughs and the tears attributed to you, will remain with me for a long time, till i find someone better or till the day when i can't even remember how to write my chinese name (that day isn't far off, trust me. my chinese has gone to the dumps). You were the first to find a chink in the armour, the cracks in the stone. Maybe i was a fool for falling for you, but a smart fool i've become.Speaking to friends over the past few days, i've come to realise how close i was to losing a friend like you. Just a normal friend. I was that close. But i guess that i've finally woken up. I'm not going to the extremes of deleting you from my contacts, mainly because its is impossible for me to do. I hate to lose friends and so i would have hated losing you, as a friend.
Before i finish up, i just want to apologise. I'm sorry for making your life difficult, for all the awkward moments you had to endure. I don't know whether what i did caused you unneccessary worry. For that, i'm truly sorry. For seeing all my moods, from the nicest, most polite side, to the evil and vulgar side, and most importantly, tolerating them. For all the times when i gave you the snub when u made genuine attempts at friendship, to the times i pissed you off bad enough that you refused to even look at me. For all the time you've wasted on me, trying to get your message across that it will not work out, i'm sorry. And i'm sorry for being a pain to you. I must have caused you much distress, much sleepless nights and stuff, maybe even a few tears. I wouldn't know, but yeah. I'm sorry. There is most probably no way for me to make it up to you, nor do i think i'll even get a chance to do so. But still, i guess that this almost 'public' apology would suffice to appease your good nature, which was one of the reasons i fell in the first place. I really do not know how to make it up to you, so in my little way, i hope you accept the apology. I'm not trying to vindicate myself here, because i know it is insufficient. After all the pain you've been through because of me, its no suprise if u refuse to forgive me, so i leave it all up to you to decide.
And as this bittersweet romance comes to an end, i would like to say thanks, to all those out there who were by my side, through the dark mood swings and the happy ranting on about how i felt. Thanks for listening, thanks for laughing along with me, thanks for comforting me, but most importantly, thanks for being there. And thanks to you. For the lessons learnt, and the values taught. You've made me a changed man, and for that, i'm grateful.
P.S. There were fireworks with your name on it for your birtday. I set them up and launched them for a whole load of people to see. =)
But to put things straight first, i'm not blaming you for putting me in this state. Actually i'm kind of happy that i've had to learn it the hard way. They always say i'm too stubborn for my own good, and all i needed was a good knock form time to time to keep me on the right track. So yeah. Thanks for all the times you've been there for me. Thanks for listening to me bitch and rant and all my nonsense. Thanks for putting up with my dogged persistance in chasing something that was never there. For all the lessons learnt, for all the hurt i've felt, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I think i've learnt to cap my sarcasm and ironic outlook on life. The lessons i've had to learn (albiet the hard way), the sacrifices i've made, may all seem redundant to you (and to me for that matter), but the experience gained? Priceless. Because of you, i've learn to change, from a vulgar and insensitive bum, to a guy who can actually find a caring heart if he really has to. Its all thanks to you. Seriously. If there is anyone i should be grateful for for the lessons learnt in life, you're up there, together with my parents (and maybe God).
To the girl who was the first, this is sort of a tribute to you. I guess that may never read this but it don't matter. You were the first and according to you, there will be others for me. Maybe i will find someone else, maybe i won't. In the end, all that matters is that you're happy. And if you are happy, that's all that i can hope for. I wouldn't force you into doing something you did not like, and i would not force you to like me even. As long as you are happy, i think i can find the happiness inside of me somewhere, in this stone heart of mine. The memories, the lessons, the hurts, the laughs and the tears attributed to you, will remain with me for a long time, till i find someone better or till the day when i can't even remember how to write my chinese name (that day isn't far off, trust me. my chinese has gone to the dumps). You were the first to find a chink in the armour, the cracks in the stone. Maybe i was a fool for falling for you, but a smart fool i've become.Speaking to friends over the past few days, i've come to realise how close i was to losing a friend like you. Just a normal friend. I was that close. But i guess that i've finally woken up. I'm not going to the extremes of deleting you from my contacts, mainly because its is impossible for me to do. I hate to lose friends and so i would have hated losing you, as a friend.
Before i finish up, i just want to apologise. I'm sorry for making your life difficult, for all the awkward moments you had to endure. I don't know whether what i did caused you unneccessary worry. For that, i'm truly sorry. For seeing all my moods, from the nicest, most polite side, to the evil and vulgar side, and most importantly, tolerating them. For all the times when i gave you the snub when u made genuine attempts at friendship, to the times i pissed you off bad enough that you refused to even look at me. For all the time you've wasted on me, trying to get your message across that it will not work out, i'm sorry. And i'm sorry for being a pain to you. I must have caused you much distress, much sleepless nights and stuff, maybe even a few tears. I wouldn't know, but yeah. I'm sorry. There is most probably no way for me to make it up to you, nor do i think i'll even get a chance to do so. But still, i guess that this almost 'public' apology would suffice to appease your good nature, which was one of the reasons i fell in the first place. I really do not know how to make it up to you, so in my little way, i hope you accept the apology. I'm not trying to vindicate myself here, because i know it is insufficient. After all the pain you've been through because of me, its no suprise if u refuse to forgive me, so i leave it all up to you to decide.
And as this bittersweet romance comes to an end, i would like to say thanks, to all those out there who were by my side, through the dark mood swings and the happy ranting on about how i felt. Thanks for listening, thanks for laughing along with me, thanks for comforting me, but most importantly, thanks for being there. And thanks to you. For the lessons learnt, and the values taught. You've made me a changed man, and for that, i'm grateful.
P.S. There were fireworks with your name on it for your birtday. I set them up and launched them for a whole load of people to see. =)
posted by ivan at
11/29/2006 06:51:00 pm
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