Neverwhere

I've got nothing to write. Nothing to say, sow hy am i typing this? I'm not too sure myself. maybe its because i'm bored. maybe its because i only book in tmr night. maybe its because i got no one to talk to. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Haha.

Neverwhere. Is a stroy of a guy discovers a secrect world under the streets of london. Sounds like fun right? I'm going to get the book next weekend and read it like i have never read before. It seems that these days, i find my solace, my peace in my books. Where my imagination is allowed to run riot and no one can criticise my dreams, my hopes. I can alot of criticism these days. Yup. From familiy who thinks i'm not giving enough, the cause of all their troubles. To friends, who just think i'm a pain in the ass, calling them at odd times of the day just to talk abt nothing in particular, just to let out all my troubles to them. Thanks to those who actually listen, miah especially (actually, only he listens), but i really don't know where i should go now. I thought i would be enjoying myself out of the army, but it seems i'm in a worse state out of camp rather than in camp, where the mindless chiong sua, digging of holes for no apparent reason, the push-ups, the lack of sleep, the dirtiness of my uniform after wearing it for 5 days straight, the smell of my helmet first thing in the morning, the cleaning of an already cleaned weapon offer me some form of release from the troubles in my life. This is not the sort of life i wanted to live. maybe i'm going to live the rest of my life feeling like an ass, a good-for-nothing, like a begger living off the goodwill of others. i thought that i should build my own good will but it seems that i'm incapable of things as simple as this.

What the fuck. Life sucks.

Stardust

So its been a week since i found out. Oh well, what can i say? I'm a fool. Let's leave it as that. Anyway, from my bunk in camp, when i look into the night sky, i see many many stars. Better than i have seen in many others places in Singapore (except maybe on Tekong). And when i look at the stars, i always remember that she liked looking at the stars. Well, i've grown to like it too. Whenever i'm spending a night out in the field, i can't help but marvel at how beautiful they are, how they just shine down on us every night and yet many of us don't appreciate how important they are. I still look to the stars as a form of comfort these days, just spending as much time as i can look, wishing and hoping.
Was free in camp so i wrote down what seems to be a starting to a song. It doesn't have a title and i gues that she doesn't read this so its safe to write it down. Was thinking of her while writing. Here goes..

I watch you smile, you steal the show.
You take a bow the curtains fall in front of you.
You're magical, on display.
I gaze into your eyes you turn the look the other way

And i'd really like to know, really like to find.
A way into your heart, to see what i can find.
Walk into your skin, swim through your veins.
See it from your eyes, i'd really like to try.
Yeah.

You're standing still, but in my mind.
You're trying to escape, looking for a place to hide.
It's not safe but, i'm still here.
Invading every place you go to disappear.

And i'd really like to know, really like to find.
A way into your heart, to see what i can find.
Walk into your skin, swim through your veins.
See it from your eyes, i'd really like to try.
Yeah.

Well, its not done yet but i'm working on it slowly. Long weekened this week. Yeah. More time to sleep and stone. More time to think on where i've gone wrong. More time to get over it.

Nice guys finish first? What rubbish.

Ode To Nice Guys
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.This is in honour of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honour of the guys with open minds,with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honour of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favour cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warmbody for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathise and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do(I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realise they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys.You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker fora pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Something i just felt like dragging up. A bit of clutter from my past. Like it actually matters anymore. Nice guys ALWAYS finish last. Its a fact, proven by me myself.

Throwing in the towel. For the very last time. No more towels to throw.

I've been hurt one time too many. And now it is time for me to really give up. After almost 2 full years of admiring her from a distance, its time i gave up. I'm not going to reveal the reason behind all this because i still respect her privacy. She has her own life, i have mine. I guess its time i stopped living in the past and start living in the present, for the future. The things i have missed, the wasted opportunities. They are all not coming back. I don't have a second chance. I have lost my belief in second tries, second chances. There is only one shot. Either you make it or you turn round and never look back. Ever. Not even for an instant or the feeling of regret and disappointment will start to settle again. It always seems to be the case. The expectations i set for myself are too high, even by my standards. I've been living in a dream, my own little ideal world where i think that everything that i want will happen. The convosation in midweek has changed my perception of this. I've finally woken up, smelled the roses and cursed at how fucked up life really is. I'm half the person i used to be. I'm not the same person i was in Secondary school. I changed from being the 'Blue-eyed boy' of my peer group and parents, to a social pariah and a constant source of worry for them. I can barely take care of myself, living my life like a leech. JC changed me for the worse, not for the better. Sometimes i wonder why i made the stupid mistake of going to college, rather than taking my dad's offer to marticulate in Australia. But alas, as i said earlier, what's gone is never coming back. All my ideal plans, never to fall in love, never to let myself be looked down on by others, all down the drain the very first day i stepped into the college gates. I'm not blaming the college or anybody. I blame myself for the mess i'm in now. A lack of initiative, backbone and self-control has led to this situation which i can't seem to find a way out of. Thank god for the Army. At least i'm starting to get a bit of backbone back in my life.
Its time i changed. I have woken up to the real world around me. I'm not in school anymore where everything is taken care of by others. Its time i stood up for myself, on my own 2 feet. I'm willing to eat shit or do whatever it takes to get myself out of this mess. I'm going to find a purpose in my life and not to just be interested in my material self indulgences. No more will i let other people manipulate me. I am the master of my own feelings and emotions. if i can't control them, no one will. I may become cold-blooded or whatever you may call it, but it doesn't matter to you does it?
You most probably didn't read the whole load of things i wrote above.Its ok. I have no friends anymore so you can take all the potshots you want at me. Go ahead, make my day. Or if you did, you'd most probably think i'm either crazy or will never have the willpower to follow through my plans. Well, i'll prove you wrong. This time i really will. Trust me on that.
Demolition live firing coming up soon. Maybe i could just take the easy way out. Click!.... BOOM!!!

Advance and Overcome.. And blowing things up along the way!

First week in the engineer corp. What can i say about it? At first i found the first day rather shitty. I mean all other support arms got the next few days off because the course wasn't meant to start till the 1st. And the engineers? They decided to start early, despite the course starting only on the 1st. What the hell? The army just cheated me of 3 days off slack time. Time which could have been spent fruitfully (ie, playing WoW, sleeping, eating good food, sleeping even more, spending time with friends, sleeping even more still.. u get the idea). But on the bright side, i finish my basic course after 4 weeks, after that it is time to go specialise. And i think i may get a week off somewhere there. And the people there are really nice. Haha.
Anyway, its been a rather good week. Finally got an acceptance letter to NUS. I'm going to join FASS, to study political science or economics. Yeah. Not exactly my first choice but i'm happy. At least i got a place in the uni, so i'm not complaining.
What else to say? Its been a rather good week for me. Things are beginning to look up for me. Hope it stays this way for awhile. Haha!