Throwing in the towel. For the very last time. No more towels to throw.

I've been hurt one time too many. And now it is time for me to really give up. After almost 2 full years of admiring her from a distance, its time i gave up. I'm not going to reveal the reason behind all this because i still respect her privacy. She has her own life, i have mine. I guess its time i stopped living in the past and start living in the present, for the future. The things i have missed, the wasted opportunities. They are all not coming back. I don't have a second chance. I have lost my belief in second tries, second chances. There is only one shot. Either you make it or you turn round and never look back. Ever. Not even for an instant or the feeling of regret and disappointment will start to settle again. It always seems to be the case. The expectations i set for myself are too high, even by my standards. I've been living in a dream, my own little ideal world where i think that everything that i want will happen. The convosation in midweek has changed my perception of this. I've finally woken up, smelled the roses and cursed at how fucked up life really is. I'm half the person i used to be. I'm not the same person i was in Secondary school. I changed from being the 'Blue-eyed boy' of my peer group and parents, to a social pariah and a constant source of worry for them. I can barely take care of myself, living my life like a leech. JC changed me for the worse, not for the better. Sometimes i wonder why i made the stupid mistake of going to college, rather than taking my dad's offer to marticulate in Australia. But alas, as i said earlier, what's gone is never coming back. All my ideal plans, never to fall in love, never to let myself be looked down on by others, all down the drain the very first day i stepped into the college gates. I'm not blaming the college or anybody. I blame myself for the mess i'm in now. A lack of initiative, backbone and self-control has led to this situation which i can't seem to find a way out of. Thank god for the Army. At least i'm starting to get a bit of backbone back in my life.
Its time i changed. I have woken up to the real world around me. I'm not in school anymore where everything is taken care of by others. Its time i stood up for myself, on my own 2 feet. I'm willing to eat shit or do whatever it takes to get myself out of this mess. I'm going to find a purpose in my life and not to just be interested in my material self indulgences. No more will i let other people manipulate me. I am the master of my own feelings and emotions. if i can't control them, no one will. I may become cold-blooded or whatever you may call it, but it doesn't matter to you does it?
You most probably didn't read the whole load of things i wrote above.Its ok. I have no friends anymore so you can take all the potshots you want at me. Go ahead, make my day. Or if you did, you'd most probably think i'm either crazy or will never have the willpower to follow through my plans. Well, i'll prove you wrong. This time i really will. Trust me on that.
Demolition live firing coming up soon. Maybe i could just take the easy way out. Click!.... BOOM!!!