Every Little Thing

I had actually thought about writing a post just to muse about my NS experience, but i decided not to. The only thing i can say is, well, 5 weeks to ORD. Nuf said. Really. It has been quite a ride and i'm glad its ending at last. Finally, back to being a plain old civilian. 3SG (NS) Ivan Tan is coming back to the real world. Hah.

Nice. Planning for the Europe trip has started in earnest. Did a bit of research over the weekend, its going to cost a bloody bomb! Just train rides alone cost at least 500 bucks. Not to mention air fare, accom, expenses and stuff. I'm budgeting 3.5k for it. Hopefully its enough.

Oh well.

Recently, a friend of mine has been complaining to me about his dreams of his ex. Being who i am, i would just laugh it off saying that he should go get his head checked. But thinking more about it, i actually think i'm worse than him. I can't stop thinking of her, even though it has been so long since we last met and talked. She's moved on but yet somewhere inside me i hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe something could turn out right for once. I know its really stupid of me to say this, but deep down inside, she's there and she will be there always. I've supressed my feelings for so long that i'm afraid i've forgotten what its like to really care for someone. I rememeber almost every little thing she has done for me. Her smile, the way she talks, the way she carries herself. It is all imprinted in my heart.

No. I mustn't let my guard down. I must not allow myself to turn down that path again, unless i'm really sure that it would not lead to heartbreak. I choose my paths.

The many pathways to oblivion.

As of today, 6 weeks to ORD. Any other talk about the army will leave me depressed so i'll stop here. Just looking forwrad to that day, 6 weeks from now. It comes to a close.

Met jean, ching and KP for dinner yesterday, and i must say i had loads of fun. Dinner at Botak Jones was nice. Who cares about the waiting time, just a slong as you're having fun, and spending time with good company. Though most of the talk revolved around the Army (sorry Jean), we did manage to talk about other things too. About old times, our plans after Army and just plain old bitching. Gleaned some info from the talk which i thought would be interesting but i decided about it a long time ago and i'm not going back on my word no matter what. Who knows how things could have changed since then. After all, when it comes to these things, i'm usually the last to know and i always feign ignorance so who knows. Yah. After dinner we went to watch a movie. Thanks to KP and his driving skills, i managed to get back home in one piece at the amazingly early time of 2am. Anyway, it was really a great night. Time spent with friends beats almost everythign there is on earth. Then today, i watched a play with my parents. It was really funny and i really enjoyed myself. This weekened is actually turning out to be quite ok, so yeah. A few more days like these 2 and i'll be quite a happy person.

Wondering why the title of this post sounds so dark and gloomy despite my apparently bouyant mood? Just spending some time thinking over the past few days has left me quite stumped. I used to pride myself with knowing what i want in life. Like when i was in Secondary school, i wanted to be the best, i wanted to be a doctor. However, now? I don't even know what i want with life. I want so many things but i know that i'm not getting any of them. I have lofty dreams where things are all perfect. My perfect life? Recognition from those people who i care for. As of now, i wonder if anyone cares. I'm a failure as what i look at it. My closet friends are on scholarships, overseas studying and doing fantastically well in school. I'm envious to know that they will always be the centre of attention, that almost everything will be served to them on a silver platter. And all i can look forward to? A mediocre life where i have to struggle for every single thing i want. I have terrifying visions that i'll ultimately end up as someone's bootlicker, dog or ball-carrier. And knowing the person i am, i can't live with it. 

I'm not at a crossroads, i'm at the end of the line. This track, as far as i know, has only 1 pathway, and that pathway is to the oblivion of everything i hold dear and everything i want to be. I don't want to be the centre of attention, but i just want people to take notice of who i am and what i'm actually capable of.

Something about..

Somehow or rather, things are starting to seem a little better these days. Sounds crazy but its kinda true. I'm starting to find my place. Well, maybe not fully, but yeah. Its getting somewhere and i'm quite happy with the progress. Lol. What am i saying. Seriously speaking, i still feel like shit. Its a feeling that comes and goes. Its there most of the time yeah. 

Sigh. Anyway, back to business. 7 weeks. =) 7 weeks. Only 7 more friggin weeks and i can finally take off the green for at least maybe the next 4 or 5 years. Then again, i still have to do my IPPT every year, but who cares? I have the incentive to do it so i'm not complaining. less than 50 days to my ORD. It will be a day of joyous celebration. I'm really tired now, really am. All the beauracatic tape which has to be cut, all the bullying and the fear of being cahrged for the slightest mistakes. Gone all, all gone. It is then replaced by the feeling of freedom. Freedom from the Army, freedom from regimentation, freedom from everything which any guy in his right mind wouldn't want to do. Its been 2 wasted years and it now ends. Great. But then again, what am i going to do after i ORD? I haven't really thought about it.

Didn't touch WoW for the whole weekend. An achievement towards my goal of finally breaking the habit once and for all. To tell you guys the truth, i found WoW really entertaining and it was there when i was really down. But somehow i feel that it has partially contributed to my current state. I'm lonely, i really am. Who exactly are my friends? Somehow i feel that most of them come with strings attached, like if u don't do this or you don't do that, you're not cool so you lose a friend. Sigh. I'm tired of this. I just can't keep it up anymore. I really have to stop.

There i've said it. And i admit it. I'm tired and i'm lonely. It feels cold, just so cold being me, locked up in an ice palace just like the Snow Queen in Hans Christian Andersen's book.

Who will be my Gerda?

Heaving sighs

ok, i take back waht i said the other day. Fine, Nee Soon camp still sucks big time, but at least the people aren't that bad. I'm refering to the NSFs and not regulars. I hate them still. At least the NSFs are a good source of entertainment and fun. Haha. 4 and a half weeks more to the end of course, then i can start to really enjoy the ORD mode i so crave these days. Ah well. 8 is the magic number now. 8 more weeks. The feeling is already there and its starting to eat me up slowly.

Enough Army, let's get on with life.

I've been doing a bit of looking through of laptops to get a feel on what i want to use in the Uni. And my mind is almost made up. I want a MacBook Pro. Yep. The computer that cost nearly 5k. Crazy u may say. Yeah, but i want an iPhone too. They are just too sweet to not want, no matter what others say. Haha. But i've got to start saving up my cash now cos i'll have to pay 50% by myself. Oh well. Sorry guys, no more drinks at Brewerkz for awhile, and don't expect me to pay your sorry asses out during meals, unless of course you want to donate to 'Buy Ivan his Apples Fund'. Haha. Spur of the moment.

On another note about computers, i think i just amy stop wowing once my bro goes back to the UK. Sorry Miah, but this time i'm quite serious about it. I don't see the point in playing much of it anyway and i just don't feel like playing more. Kind of weird considering that i'm trying to get more people to play. Maybe that's the reason, it doesn't seem as much fun playing the game anymore. And i'm not a hardcore gamer so it has to stop some time. Besides, the $25 a month could go a ways for the above-mentioned fund. Heh.

Anyway, there were some decisions i made over the week that i fear i amy eventually regret. I hope i don't though. I don't really want to say what it is about, but i'm just hoping that things will turn out fine.

Ah sigh. That's my life. A joke as far as i can tell. Somehow things don't go the way i want and even when they do, i don't notice it. Is the the beginning of something new? Or is it just the end of this long and painful journey i've had to go through.

Shine on

Sigh. My 2 weeks of leave went by in a flash. Now its back to work for me for the next 6 weeks at least. Argh. Full of shit. The course i'm attending now is really a piece of shit. Why? 1) The course syllabus is really boring, at least till the 3 week, then it starts getting fun. 2) The accomodation and food sucks to the core, and when i thought that food in Seletar was bad, i forgot about Nee Soon food. And the bunks, OMG! 3) The people attending the course are really no fun, unlike when i went for Int. And finally, 4) Its a bloody stay in course, which means i lose all the freedom which i hold so dear. Its just a stroke of luck that i got to book out today. SIGH!!

Ah, oh well. At least i only have 9 weeks left to serve before i become a civilian again. But 9 weeks seem so long, especially when you are not having fun. SIGH.

After enduring 20 months of crap, its finally coming to an end. Full of highs and lows (more lows really), i hate to say it, but the Army has left a deep impression on me. Good or bad, it really doesn't matter. The Army has given me an insight on to how a real life organisation works. And frankly speaking, i'm quite afraid to go out into the working world. If the Army is a benchmark that it is supposed to be, i rather not be out there working cos its really gonna suck.

For now at least, Uni life seems like the safest and best place to be, but if what the girls are saying is to be believed, it may suck too.

There are too many uncertainties in life. And life is too short to go about worrying about all of them. But it kinda sucks, especially when you care too much about the things which will never work out. But still i care, though i haven't learnt not to allow them to affect me anymore. Its been almost a year since things really started to turn inside out for me. Even so, things haven't really settled down into what i feel comfortable with. When i thought that time would heal all wounds, time has somehow started t make some of these wounds rot and the effect is really not very pretty. The past year has seen the darker side of me and has also brought out the best. It goes to show that i am actually capable of being a nice guy when i try to be one.

Ah. Ok i think that's enough for today. I've got to get back to camp tommorrow morning for another week of crap and shit. 9 more weeks seems like a short time. The light is getting brighter now.