The many pathways to oblivion.

As of today, 6 weeks to ORD. Any other talk about the army will leave me depressed so i'll stop here. Just looking forwrad to that day, 6 weeks from now. It comes to a close.

Met jean, ching and KP for dinner yesterday, and i must say i had loads of fun. Dinner at Botak Jones was nice. Who cares about the waiting time, just a slong as you're having fun, and spending time with good company. Though most of the talk revolved around the Army (sorry Jean), we did manage to talk about other things too. About old times, our plans after Army and just plain old bitching. Gleaned some info from the talk which i thought would be interesting but i decided about it a long time ago and i'm not going back on my word no matter what. Who knows how things could have changed since then. After all, when it comes to these things, i'm usually the last to know and i always feign ignorance so who knows. Yah. After dinner we went to watch a movie. Thanks to KP and his driving skills, i managed to get back home in one piece at the amazingly early time of 2am. Anyway, it was really a great night. Time spent with friends beats almost everythign there is on earth. Then today, i watched a play with my parents. It was really funny and i really enjoyed myself. This weekened is actually turning out to be quite ok, so yeah. A few more days like these 2 and i'll be quite a happy person.

Wondering why the title of this post sounds so dark and gloomy despite my apparently bouyant mood? Just spending some time thinking over the past few days has left me quite stumped. I used to pride myself with knowing what i want in life. Like when i was in Secondary school, i wanted to be the best, i wanted to be a doctor. However, now? I don't even know what i want with life. I want so many things but i know that i'm not getting any of them. I have lofty dreams where things are all perfect. My perfect life? Recognition from those people who i care for. As of now, i wonder if anyone cares. I'm a failure as what i look at it. My closet friends are on scholarships, overseas studying and doing fantastically well in school. I'm envious to know that they will always be the centre of attention, that almost everything will be served to them on a silver platter. And all i can look forward to? A mediocre life where i have to struggle for every single thing i want. I have terrifying visions that i'll ultimately end up as someone's bootlicker, dog or ball-carrier. And knowing the person i am, i can't live with it. 

I'm not at a crossroads, i'm at the end of the line. This track, as far as i know, has only 1 pathway, and that pathway is to the oblivion of everything i hold dear and everything i want to be. I don't want to be the centre of attention, but i just want people to take notice of who i am and what i'm actually capable of.