Before its too late

Its been quite awhile since i last posted. Well, i've been busy (with the wrong things) so what do you expect? Its come to a point in time when things now seem to be all that much brighter. 2 more days till NDP (my Saturdays at last!), 3 months to ORD and 2 more weeks till i go on leave. I can't wait. Anyway, i've been ok recently. Nothing much to bother me, except maybe the sudden shocks which take some time to settle in but other than that i'm more or less fine. Things seem to be that much easier when you take the time to detach yourself from your feelings for others and just be selfish for a bit. I guess that us humans were made to be selfish. It just is that much easier when you do things your own way without having to care for another's feelings.

And this is the part that scares me. Really, it does. I am slowly starting to become an unfeeling monster. Its like, yeah i knew i made a vow of sorts to become something like that, but now all i feel is a coldness that surprises and troubles me deeply. Its like i've changed so much that even i don't believe that i could possibly change that much. Yeah well, i have changed and not for the better it seems. I thought that i could handle it, i was wrong. Now i'm in a mess again, this time its by my own doing which makes things even worse. How does 1 fight against himself and hope to come out unscathed? Who knows? Ah well, looks like another period of soul searching for me. Back to the drawing board...

Ah.. Was thinking of something just now, but i can't seem to remember what i wanted to write. Oh well.. me and my short term memory. Why do some guys always get lucky with girls, but i seem to be always in the dumps? Are my standards too high or am i just an ugly bum with no character and with a shitload of problems on my back? Or maybe its because its just not meant to be...