Stand your ground
I promised a post, and well, here it is. Its been awhile since i have had the time to really sit down and write some thing, and since i'm off today and i've been exposed to be a really horrible tank, maybe its time i focused my thoughts and typed them down. Well, there really have alot of things going on with me. Some of them have been rather pleasant while others have been well, not so pleasant. Sigh. And that is just how life is, ups and downs and all around, your world crashing all around you and the feeling of ultimate power, invincibility of oneself. That's life. Sigh.
Ok, first things first. Army. Just 110 more days till the big ORD date and i just can't wait. Its the feeling of freedom which i long. A break from wearing green, playing politics with people who don't understand it, lowering myself to the level of people who are sub-par on the IQ level and the hard-nosed bastards that inhabit my office. I mean, shit, i'm having to act as though i am a retard in order to survive in that screwed up place. Its just so demeaning. I'm not made for this sort of things. When i was asked by my OC to consider extending my service tenure just last week, i gave him a stare and said, "Sir, do i look that stupid? Maybe it hasn't occured to you that i've been applying for numerous courses just so that i can get out of the office. Take a look around, sir. Do you think anyone in his right mind would want to stay in a shit-hole like this? If you could clean it up in 2 months i'll still consider your offer, but i think you wouldn't be able to do it." With that i just walked out of his office. I said it at the top of my voice when all the warrants were around, and all the senior specs too. I'm not proud to have done that but i guess that it had to be done. People have to start realising that the world is changing and that the Army is not moving along with it. I don't know about other units but mine seems to be stuck somewhere between a 1.5 and 2 G army. They seem to get along by bullying NSFs, taking their anger and frustrations out on us and making life a hell. Talk about an NS experience. Know i know why only guys have to serve. Because if you asked a girl to do it, i figure that there would be that much more crazy people in the SAF ward of IMH.
Enough about that shit hole. On a more personal note, other than for the shit i get from the army, i'm feeling pretty good about things. I received a message from her the other day. I looked at it and smiled. I haven't smiled like that for awhile, but i did. I actually felt good about it. I still have it on my phone and well, it does perk me up on some days. It does bring back certain memories which i have been trying to push back, but i guess that i would have to face them one fo these days. Why not now? So yeah. I'm starting to do things which i have never done before. Like shit man, you've got to live life to enjoy it. My self-esteem is starting to be built back slowly. My defences, my armour, my shroud of mystery have started to seem impentratable again. Its like going back to the old days when i had a devil-may-care attitude to life. There are still times when i'm vulnurable too, and that's the difference from back then. It should work itself out in the end, i'm pretty sure of it. Let's just wait and see how events unfold.
Sometimes i wish that i could just say more. There are times when i wish things were back as they were. But alas, it can't be the same again. I've changed and those around me have changed alot too. I see things differently now. I can't see the silver lining but i can see the darker shadows creeping in at the edges of things, the hidden agendas and the power-plays which we unknowingly play on each other. Its these things which make me more weary. Every step, evry move is a calculated one, weighing the pros and cons, the losses and the gains. Its not that simple anymore. We're not kids. As much as i hate to say it, my childhood ended when i enlisted. NS has changed me. The experiences, both personal and not so personal have forced me into what i am today. The feelings i felt, the pain i've been through only serves to make me stronger. I'm kinda tired right now. It is just so draining to keep living this lie. I'm really not like that. Circumstances have forced me into it. To hate, to close my doors to other people, to feel that love is just superficial, one night stands and the likes. Is that really how i want to lead my life? Simple. No. I want a good life, i want a simple life. I just want to be myself and not what others want me to be.
From the latest harry potter movie, " The more i play, the more i care. The more i care, the more i stand to lose."
Ok, first things first. Army. Just 110 more days till the big ORD date and i just can't wait. Its the feeling of freedom which i long. A break from wearing green, playing politics with people who don't understand it, lowering myself to the level of people who are sub-par on the IQ level and the hard-nosed bastards that inhabit my office. I mean, shit, i'm having to act as though i am a retard in order to survive in that screwed up place. Its just so demeaning. I'm not made for this sort of things. When i was asked by my OC to consider extending my service tenure just last week, i gave him a stare and said, "Sir, do i look that stupid? Maybe it hasn't occured to you that i've been applying for numerous courses just so that i can get out of the office. Take a look around, sir. Do you think anyone in his right mind would want to stay in a shit-hole like this? If you could clean it up in 2 months i'll still consider your offer, but i think you wouldn't be able to do it." With that i just walked out of his office. I said it at the top of my voice when all the warrants were around, and all the senior specs too. I'm not proud to have done that but i guess that it had to be done. People have to start realising that the world is changing and that the Army is not moving along with it. I don't know about other units but mine seems to be stuck somewhere between a 1.5 and 2 G army. They seem to get along by bullying NSFs, taking their anger and frustrations out on us and making life a hell. Talk about an NS experience. Know i know why only guys have to serve. Because if you asked a girl to do it, i figure that there would be that much more crazy people in the SAF ward of IMH.
Enough about that shit hole. On a more personal note, other than for the shit i get from the army, i'm feeling pretty good about things. I received a message from her the other day. I looked at it and smiled. I haven't smiled like that for awhile, but i did. I actually felt good about it. I still have it on my phone and well, it does perk me up on some days. It does bring back certain memories which i have been trying to push back, but i guess that i would have to face them one fo these days. Why not now? So yeah. I'm starting to do things which i have never done before. Like shit man, you've got to live life to enjoy it. My self-esteem is starting to be built back slowly. My defences, my armour, my shroud of mystery have started to seem impentratable again. Its like going back to the old days when i had a devil-may-care attitude to life. There are still times when i'm vulnurable too, and that's the difference from back then. It should work itself out in the end, i'm pretty sure of it. Let's just wait and see how events unfold.
Sometimes i wish that i could just say more. There are times when i wish things were back as they were. But alas, it can't be the same again. I've changed and those around me have changed alot too. I see things differently now. I can't see the silver lining but i can see the darker shadows creeping in at the edges of things, the hidden agendas and the power-plays which we unknowingly play on each other. Its these things which make me more weary. Every step, evry move is a calculated one, weighing the pros and cons, the losses and the gains. Its not that simple anymore. We're not kids. As much as i hate to say it, my childhood ended when i enlisted. NS has changed me. The experiences, both personal and not so personal have forced me into what i am today. The feelings i felt, the pain i've been through only serves to make me stronger. I'm kinda tired right now. It is just so draining to keep living this lie. I'm really not like that. Circumstances have forced me into it. To hate, to close my doors to other people, to feel that love is just superficial, one night stands and the likes. Is that really how i want to lead my life? Simple. No. I want a good life, i want a simple life. I just want to be myself and not what others want me to be.
From the latest harry potter movie, " The more i play, the more i care. The more i care, the more i stand to lose."
posted by ivan at
7/16/2007 10:10:00 pm
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