Dead ends

Its funny how things come to an end. They always leave an after taste at the back your mind, like the taste you get from drinking too much coke and not washing your mouth out. It somehow sucks, but at the same time it gives that sweet taste once in awhile, when you least expect it. The way things are, i think i'm finished. I haven't exactly been the best guy around, but i tried, i really did. I'm a bad person, a bad son and a bad friend.

Had dinner with some of the councillors yesterday. As usual, i pulled a long face and generally spoilt everyone's mood for the rest of the evening. To those people who tried to help me out last night, and for plain listening to me rant on and on like a drunkard, thanks a million. You guys rock! Ben and Miah, you guys still crack me up somehow. All your bloody crazy antics can make any guy's day, no matter how fucked up its turning out to be. Jean, somehow you just kept listening to my ranting. Thanks. It may not have seen like much but at least that prevented me from killing someone with my steak knife. And lastly, Charissa, for organising the dinner. No doubt you screwed it up a bit, but you're forgiven, cause you gave the opportunity to just plain hang out.

Today, i met up with my bro and Firmin for lunch in camp. I thought KP was going to pay for lunch but i eneded up paying for the lot. Kinda gay, but its ok. Its nice to meet up with friends for a meal and stuff. So KP came late and i had a nice long talk with Firmin. Talked about a whole load of things. And after talking to him, i realised something about myself. All those self-esteem test we used to take back in sch, saying things that i have high self-esteem and stuff? All utter bullshit! I realised that i really hated myself. I don't hate anyone at the moment, and i'm not pissed with anyone other than myself. I hate the person i've become, a shade of my past when i used to stand tall in the crowd. Nowadays, i just cower in my corner, buried in self pity and in a constant state of self loathing. And when i look at this i think, how the hell did i turn out like this? I used to be so.. different. I used to hold my head high and walk about. I used to be able to deal with my problems, i used to be effective and efficient. I've started to whine about everything. I can't handle my problems and i have lost my cutting edge, the edge that made me the best before.

I long for days long past. I long for the days when i was known as being cold cruel and efficient. I hated it back then, but it seems that that was when i was the happiest. Really. Just me being cold, cruel and efficient.