Down by the Marina

Well, i've been spending the past few days down by the Singapore River just by the Esplanade. I must say, the work is tiring in preparation for my formation anniversary and NDP and i'm really not enjoying it. The only good thing about it is that i get to see the city scape from places where not many people get a chance to see it from. Another good thing about it is that i get to spend time out at sea. I really love it. Its just the vastness of it. The wildness, the untamed beauty of the sea. Even though i'm working in a sheltered bay, i can still feel the sheer power of it. Its almost the perfect remedy for all my problems. Just being there, it calms the soul, frees the mind and relaxes the body. The only problem is my work doesn't allow me to fully appreciate the beauty of it. Another problem is that it only provides temporary relief from the problems i face, day in day out. At the end of the day, when i'm done for the day, the problems just start creeping back in their own insidious ways. Problems at home, problems at work, with relationships, friends. There really is no outlet for me to vent all these problems. The sea provides me with that escape, but reality strikes back and it strikes back hard.

I just was talking to her. Long story. I'm not going to put any details here just in case she doesn't want others to know about it. So yeah. I finally plucked up the guts and told her that i wanted a clean break from things. I still wanted to remain friends, but i explained that i needed time away for awhile so that i can detach myself from it. It may be a few weeks, or maybe a few months (most probably a few months by my reckoning). She was the first person i really liked. I've never felt this way for any other girl before. But since it didn't seem to work out, I guess that i just have got to let it go. I don't want to keep hurting myself, over and over again just because i think that there is hope. There is no FUCK thing such as hope anymore. It didn't even exist in the first place. What was i thinking when i fell for her? Whatever. What's done is done and i can't change the fact that i had run the race and lost. As i said, my armour is coming back on again. I'm not going to fall so easily again. From now on, i lead the single life, a lone wolf. Maybe i'll find someone in the future, maybe i'll not. Either way, i'm through with her more or less. We'll still be friends, no doubt, but my every move, every action and every word will be guarded from now on. I will not fall again.

From my previous posts, you guys would most probably think i'll make friends with Mr Absolut, Mr Smirnoff or Mr Walker, but this time i'm not. Firstly, i don't have enough cash to meet either of them, and i don't intend to spend anything just to get them. Secondly, i think alcohol doesn't work, it just makes it worse. And lastly, the plan to get fit doesn't involve alcohol. So yeah.

There really is nothing i can do to salvage the situation anymore. I've just got to let it slide. It will be a long and difficult journey ahead of me, but hopefully i can pull through. I know i will. I must pull through. I need to exorcise my demons once and for all. I'll be stronger when this fracas is over and done.

This i meant for you. I guess that i'll always be the guy who never made it. 3 years i've loved you. 3 years, i've rejected countless others for you. 3years i've been faithful. 3 years. I guess it has to end somehow. Not the way i wanted it to end, but its for the best. I'll never forget someone like you. The good times and the bad. Memories i'll treasure and learn from. Painful memories and the beautiful ones. Those that revolve around you. I tried, i really did. I guess that it wasn't meant to work out between us. Well, i'll just keep walking. Maybe i'll see you again soon. Maybe on the street, like total starngers we pass each other, just another face in the crowd. 3 years. 3 long years i've held the candle. Its time i put it out. Goodbye.