Getting reaccquainted with Mr Absolut

I think that maybe something is really wrong right now. Last night, for the first time in my life, i had to drink myself to sleep. I mean like there will always be a first time for everything, but this time, it was a real first. I found a new bottle of vodka in my bro's room last night and seeing that he's not coming back until june, i opened it. What happened after that was kind of a haze. What i do know is that i woke up this morning with a really bad headache and 2/3 a bottle of vodka left. No wonder my parents refused to talk to me today. Ever since yesterday, i have been living in a haze. I don't even remember what i did yesterday anymore. Its crazy, but i think somehow i'm starting to lose my grip on my sanity. Sheesh. Its amazing how 1 thing can cause so much of a problem, not only for me, but for those people involved. Well, i'm not blaming anyone, but myself. Its not her fault and i don't want her to feel bad about it. And if she does feel bad, then i'm really sorry. Its just that i need time to figure it out for myself. I've taken a lot of time to do this but i guess that maybe i ahven't been going in the right direction. Most of the things i do become counter-productive and in the long run, i feel evn more hurt than i was before. It always does, but this time it feels exceptionally bad and i don't know whether i can do this alone. It seems that even playing WoW does not help this time. Plus with all the added stress i'm being put through, it will be a really tough uphill battle, which somehow i don't think i will win. I may just end up a social and emotional vegetable at the end of it, something that i do not want to become.

Ah well, it seems i walk this journey alone. I doubt anyone out there will want to get caught up in my emotional whirlpools and my crazy mood swings. As much as i hate to say it, i don't have any friends in this battle. I don't have any support in this fight. No one is watching my back and no one will be there to cover my ass. I'm out there with no weapons but myself, my biady and my soul. I don't know whether i'll survive but i will try, somehow.

I walk the paths of my life alone. I may find the answers, or i may find out really how screwed up i am as a person.

Well, i'm off to my corner to cry. Shit. Am i even a man anymore?