Taking a fall

This week was crap. After the high of the previous weekend, this week was a real pain in the ass. Period. It must have been one of the worsts weeks in my life. I mean like, its been ages since i last felt anything close to this, when i had to single-handedly manhandle my prefectorial board to swing into action and get some work done. Sheesh! I'm overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. I feel like a bloody peon doing the insanical work of some useless and ultimately fucked up superiors. Why am i being treated this way? Its kinda dumb really. This is not the life i want to lead, and i thought that life in the Army was meant to nurture young men into real citizens of the nation. Instead, they are driving us to point of physical and mental exhaustion. In school, when this sort of crap happens, at least you have someone to talk to, someone who will be willing to share your pain and maybe even carry the burden too. But in the fucked up organisation that is the army, nothing like this exist. You're expected to be man about it, and at the same time, no one will help you, because they are just out there covering their own asses and throwing more shit out at the same time. And guess who is the target for the shit? In comes the NSF 3rd Sergeant, just the guy you need to be your target. After all, he has enough authority to boss most people around, is supposedly supposed to be a commander and is supposed to be able to think on their feet. However, your average NSF 3SG does not feel that way. He is overworked, underpaid, unappreciated and to top things off, is also treated like yesterdays piece of shit. Like how do you expect me to be in 3 places at the same time? And to top things off, there are meetings to attend, indentments to be made and trainees (or pioneers) to take care of. Who's idea was it to post me to that super screwed up workplace? If i knew what was in for me, i would have asked to be posted elsewhere, but i guess i didn't have a choice right?

Well yeah, so i broke down on Friday evening. I really couldn't do anything for nearly the whole day. I just spaced out for some reason. It started out normal actually, just like any other Friday, looking forward to book out. But something was not right once the phone started ringing almost non-stop. "Ivan do this, Ivan do that" and "Ivan change this, Ivan where are you now?" As i said, i'm just 1 person and i'm superman either. Then just as i finished my work started to come to a close, as i was walking back to my office, i just broke down by the side of the road, and did something i haven't done in a super long time. I cried. I just sat on the kerb and cried for a full 10 minutes. Thankfully no one saw me or i would have had alot of explaining to do. I don't know why i did that. Really. I just broke down, and sat there. I don't think i'm doing too good now, and i feel kinda useless too. I don't know what to do at this juncture. I just want to lie down and sleep, hoping that when i wake up, it will all be over. Hah. Fat hope.

Oh yes, i've been doing some thinking, and have decided on one thing. I'm going to totally branch off from what i've always been doing. I don't think science really is my type of subject and seeing that i plan to retire before i hit 50, i would think that a job in a major bank would be kinda nice. Nice car, nice apartment in the city and maybe even start a nice little family. Would i be happy then? Maybe. Crap. Maybe go into investments or something, i don't really know, but there are internships out there which i would really want to apply for, so i've got to be on my toes from the time i start studying again. This time, i will not fail. I will not let my family down again. i will not be the black sheep of the country, nor will i allow others to see me as one. I really want to prove to people that i can be exceptional in at least some thing in life. I hate being seen as lesser than others. I will prove them wrong.

One last thing. I think i may never read FHM again. I don't believe they had a fat ugly girl in the mag, in a binkni on top of that. Disgusting. The image may never be erased from my memory. Argh!