Over My Head

I've got so much going through my head right now that i think i'm heading for an overload. Its just that there are so many issues which seem to be bugging me these days. Work, family and friends among other things. So this post is going to be super random, full of random rants and thoughts, just a way for me to dump it all out (like dumping rage using Execute). Here goes...

Let's start with work. Here i am, 5 and half months to the day i rejoin the civilian world. Less than 150 days and i'll be there. It seems like a short time but in actual fact, i'm starting to feel the pinch now. So close yet so far. and my workload. The less said about it the better. NDP, BPCC and AESC all coming up before the 4th of November. Its a s crazy as it sounds. This is really going to drain me of a hell lot of my time and energy, so excuse me if i turn all zombie-ish when the going gets tough. I have been going zombie very much more often recently and i don't really enjoy it. A whole load of other factors come into play but generally, its work that causes the worst of it.

Next, family. All of s sudden, it seems that my whole family is against me. As stated in an earlier post, it all boils down to money and the way i spend it. Sometimes i feel that i can never meet my parents expectations of me. I haven't exactly been the perfect son (that would be my older brother) and have let everyone down in more ways than one. It feels like i'm not needed and that i'm the black sheep. The son who should just stay away. A mistake in a family full of perfection. Me on the other hand? Less than perfect, educational screw up and pain in the ass. No wonder everytime i open my mouth to my parents, all i get is a shelling which leaves me in a black mood for the rest of the day, cooping myself up in my room draining my life away on the notebook. Explains the reason why i want to get out of the house so much during my Uni days so that i can just concentrate on what i need to do rather than having to worry about what others think of me all the time.

Friends. Do i have any? Did i have any? It seems more and more that my only friend is turning out to be my notebook and WoW. Its easy to be cool online where anonimity is king. But in real life? Again, i'm a failure. The friends i made in college, in school all seem to be fair-weather ones. They are there when the takings are good, when there is fun to be had. But when you really need them, where are they? Are they going to be there when you are at the point of self-destruction? Or are they just going to say, " Oh sorry, i'm busy, can't talk right now." or better yet " Umm, yeah ok sure i'll be there" but when its tme to be there, there will always be another excuse to be had. Tuition, dinner, concert to attend, a new lover. So due to this lack of real friends, its only normal to turn to those that a) will always be there b) don't talk back and c) help pass the time when there's no other good option. This in turn leads to what i call 'Self-Destruction' of nearly everything else in your life. You become a social vegetable, afraid of the Sun and town become as foreign as Timbuktu.

I've covered the 3 main issues i'm facing right now. There are other issues which i find rather redundant to discuss. i'm sure you guys are tired reading of my failed this and that. After all, its expected of one like me. rant and repeat the same mistakes all over again, especially when it comes to the girls. I'm a sucker for it and i hate to admit it, but i don't think i'll ever learn. Its just some stupid thing programmed in me. Why do i care so much about people who generally don't care if i'm even still alive. Sigh. Life sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Or is it getting better and i just can't see it becoming so?