Back home for the weekend

First week in SISPEC. It has been, how would you say it, interesting. Learnt how to use 2 new weapons (more ways to kill things), made some new friends, ran like crazy (both IPPT and SOC. ouch), learnt how to set up demolitions (cool shit). And they said SISPEC isn't as fun as OCS. Haha. How wrong they are. From what i know, all they do are lectures after lectures after lectures. And on top of that they ahve 3 weeks of confinement. Count it ladies and gentlemen, 3, while i so far have 0 weeks of confinement. Haha.

Despite this, i still feel a bit disappointed i didn't make it there, but i will work on it. No honour loss in being a sergeant, at least i'm doing something rather than slacking in the army. its just so hard sometimes when u wake up in the morning and you see the MI tower in the distance thinking, "i could have been there". But who cares? I'll just work harder in SISPEC. Maybe i can cross over. If i can't, well, its the SAF's loss, not mine.

To those people who think that SISPEC are for losers, i'm going to prove you wrong. To those who think it is nothing proud to traing to be a Non-com, i'll prove you wrong. There is no honour loss. Its just that officers seem to be more successful than us specialist, and they get higher pay. That's about it. I will work hard wherever i am, despite all the obstacles in my path. Nothing will stop me from getting what i want (starting to be repetitive).

Anyway, to my detractors, fuck you understand?

Back to war for the men of O coy

So my 12 days of leave has come to an end. I personally feel its too long. I've kind of lost the momentum of being in the army. Hope i get it back fast. SISPEC here i come. I'm going to own you and leave u after 6 weeks, to pursue my dreams inOCS. Nothing will stop me. Nothing. Not the Warrants, not the system, not myself, no one. I'm going to cross the bridge to SAFTI. I want to wear no 1, no 2. I want a sword. I want to attend dinners with good food and drink. I want to bring women to the dinner. I want to be respected (not that i won't get respect as a sergeant). I want to prove that i am no push over. I will prove it. I will be strong. I'll give my best. I won't slack off. I will be the best, no matter what.

Anyway, enough ranting. Gratz to those going to OCS. Have fun with 3 weeks of confinement. Have fun at field camp. I'll join you when all the shit is over. Then i'll take my white stripes on my shoulder, plus an ice cream cone on my arm. Haha. Until then, have fun.

Hope i can make good my goals someday. Its back to war for me. Will sort out my thoughts again, work something out. Wait for me, please. I'll be back soon.

With pride, we lead. Hu-ha!

Portrait of an Apology

Ok, fine, i admit it. I'm not angry anymore. I'm sorry if i have been a pain in the ass the past few days. Yup. You guys know me. And yes ching, i've let it go. Negotiations are now open. If you read this, give me a call. If i don't pick up, message me. I'll call back. You know who you are. Yup. I'm really sorry. Now is the time to work it out.

Anyway, my leave is coming to an end. So sad. I'm going to SISPEC, that is to train to become a sergeant. But looking on the bright side, there are cross overs to OCS after 6 weeks, 11 weeks and 20 weeks in the course. Hope i can make either one of those, preferably the first one. It was a good 12 days. Played rugby on thursday against the junior team. Seniors won 4-2. I made a classic 20 odd metre run down the flank, did a good line out (coach said that it was classic, i didn't even jump, caught the opposition with their pants around their ankles). But kudos to the juniors. They really gave us a good game. Good luck to them for the 'A' Division in april. Do us proud, make it to the top 4 this year.

I haven't talked to her for quite a long time. Hope she is doing well. Maybe i'll call her or message one of these days to see how's she's getting along. Though we most probably won't be together, at least we could remain friends. What can i say? Sometimes i wish i could go back in time and make things alright, but i can't. Who knows maybe in the future... haha.. shouldn't get my hopes up too high. I've missed the boat, its never coming back unless i swim real fast. Am i willing to take up the challenge? I'm willing to take another risk, but am i ready to take the inevitable rejection again? Questions i need to ask myself before i jump into it again. I need something to show for it, something to make me look good in her eyes. That will be my main drive for me to want to go to OCS. I don't mind the shit i will have to go through, the balls i have to carry to get to my goal. To ease the pain i feel, to lift my ego just one more time.

Anyhow, i'm back to camp on monday. won't be back for awhile, about 2 wweeks. Hope everything goes on well with you guys. Anything, i've still got my phone, call me. Haha.. i'll be either too busy or chionging up some hill or bashing through the jungles. Haha. Hope i survive. I want to wear No. 1 parade uniform and take a sword from the president. I will work super hard to achieve my goal. Nothing is going to stop me. Nothing.

Guts, Spirit, Courage. Hu-Ha!

Stabbed in the back.. Again

Yes, the same old feeling again. Stabbed in the back. By someone i thought i could trust. Ok fine, its not really being stabbed in the back, it hurts much more, but it sure as hell feels like it. No names to be mentioned cos i don't want to embarass you on the Net. Anyway, you know who you are. I tell you who the person was, you run off and tell the person i'm pissed with him! My God! All the shit about trust and stuff. Fuck you understand. It doesn't exist anymore man. This trust between us has been broken. I know we are good friends and stuff, but come on, you've broken it man. I thought i could trust you. Now i can trust nearly no one. This is really fucked up.

Anyway, as my leave comes to an end, i've finally accomplished something. I beat my dad in a full game of squash. Oh yeah! Took me 5 sets, but hell, it feels good. Here is the score. 0-15 (warm up), 15-12, 15-10, 7-15, 15-12. Haha. Finally. Injured my knee in the process but i'm not complaining. Done university applications for NUS and NTU. Still got SMU left (essay), doing it tommorrow, if i can get off playing too much WoW. Rugby testimonial on thursday, hope i don't get injured and hope i still remember how to play. Posting on friday, hope i get what i want. Back to the army on Monday. Sigh. Going to miss being a CV for awhile.

I'm still pissed off, but not the sort of pissed like the other day. I just need time to chill. To those people who listened to me rant, namely Jean and the person who is not mentioned on this blog, thanks. To those who think i'm immature and stuff, STFU and take a long hard look at your life and tell me that you have never felt betrayed, put down and stabbed in the back at the same time. If you have never been, congratulations. You are the first person who will burn in hell.

And so, its back to the war that is life.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.

Wonder which genius said that. Was it Sun Tze or something? i don't know. But it really has loads of meaning. Keep friends close so they can help u in times of need. Keep enemies even closer so you always know what they are doing. And now i add my own part to it. Keep your best friends even closer so they won't stab you in the back. I've learnt it the hard way. Your best friend comes in and steals something that is precious to you from right under your nose. And worse still, he does it in plain sight and brags about it afterwards. I think you know who you are. If u are man enough give me a call. We'll meet up and really trash things out. Literally. Just me and you, one on one, no holds barred. It will be an all out fist fight. If that is not bad enough, so what if you did better than me for your As. That doesn't mean anything to me cos i'm still going to rape you in the game of life. You lucky bastard who thinks you are so damn friggin smart and so that gives you the right to wave it under my nose saying, 'You are stupid lah' and 'Like that also want to go OCS and stuff'. Well i got this to say. I'll make it to OCS one way or another, even if i have to kill myself in the process. I'll go to the university, where i will rape you in every little thing you do. I'll bethere competing with you all the time, to make sure you notice that i am better than you. I will not spite you, i'll just make you feel bad for ever thinking that ivan tan is stupid. In the army, i will fuck you. In the work force, i will fuck you. In every little thing you do, i'll fuck you. Hell, i'll even fuck you if its the last thing i do on this earth. I'm going to make you pay. Big time. I'm going to humiliate you in front of everyone who cares and you care for. I'll make you look like a fool. A clown. I will not raise a fist against you. There are many ways to kill a chicken. I'm going to use my way. As Sinatra sang 'I did it my way'. My way always. Not yours, not his not hers. My way.

The wonders of technology. Do people not return messages anymore? Even on the bloody contraption called a handphone? Or is it just selective. You reply who you want to reply, when you feel like replying. Don't give me the crap that your phone bill is too high. Go cahnge your plan. That would help alot. Or maybe you should just spend less on whatever you spend on. Fine, you say that you have no obligation to reply a message. Point taken. Can i say that i have no obligation to be a friend? Just ask yourself that question and then beat yourself silly with a stick. That should also help. Yes, you all say to keep in touch and stuff, but you refuse to pick up your phones, reply messages, let alone talk on MSN. Why not we just not keep intouch. That would save us alot of trouble. Really.

As you guys can see, i'm going through alot. It may sound like petty little shit but if you are going through what i'm goign through, you may understand. Anyway, to those people concerned, fuck you understand?

Time to go. Tag board will be up once i figure out the tagboard shits. I can't trust my friend sto help anymore so i will figure it out on my own. Period.

POP Loh!!

This is a late post. Its really very late. Very late.

Ok. I passed out from BMT on Tuesday. I'm now officially a private, no more a blur recruit anymore. Haha. Yup. Feeling is good, pay is even better. Now i'm just waiting for my posting. Hope i get to OCS. Yup. Anyways, i'm really going to miss the times i spent on that grotty island called tekong. The rubbish i used to talk about with my bunk mates, the crappy food, the nice and not-so-nice sergeants, the times spent out in the field under the open sky. The very simplicity of life. 0530 wake-up calls, 2230 lights-out. No politics and stuff to think about, being oblivious to the happenings of the world, and better still, no betrayal from friends. In the army, its all about watching each other's back. Not so in the real world. I'm going to miss those days. For now. Till i find my evil self again, then you assholes out there will get your just desserts. Haha.

I'm going to rant again. This time, the post won't have any link to anything. Just plain old ranting....

In pain.

Walking 24 klick in shit terrain is not fun. Period. Don't try to argue the fact with me. 1600 other people feel the same way too. All thanks to the idiots at Scorpion company. Thanks for making me breathe sand in like a bitch, the sand kicked up by the 6 idiot companies before mine. Now got a weird dry cough that can't seem to stop. That's not the worse part. Got huge blisters on my feet and abrasions on my inner tigh. Can't even walk properly anymore. I now walk like a cowboy (legs spread out, hands at the waist). And the bloody SBO caused huge bruises on my back. Wonder how they got there. Good thing was that it really gave me time to think about what i want to do with my already screwed up life. The march pushed me to my limits. There were times when i was hot, then cold (yes, cold) then i couldn't breathe (because of the sand). Then there was the pain and the walking more than 5 klick without a break. Killer. But in the end, it all felt good, especially when my PC said that we were 95% to being Privates. No more chao recruit. I feel good.

Anyway, i've decided what i want to do in the universities. At NUS i'm going to apply to do Nursing, Science, Economics and Political Science. At SMU, i'm going to apply to do Economics, Political Science and Accounting. I haven't decided on NTU yet. Whatever the case, i'm going to work my ass off in Uni, graduate with First Class Honours and shove my cert down the throat of all the bastards out there who think they are better than me. I will not let them put me down. No one will. After that, the doors will be open once again.

I will not be put down. Never.

'Guts, Spirit Courage. We set the pace! Hu-Ha!'

Screwed Up.

Got A level results back today. Screwed up. Here are the grades:

Mathematics C: E
Physics: D
Chemistry with S paper: C, Merit
Biology with S paper: B, Ungraded
General Paper: B3

Screwed up don't you agree? I'm really disappointed, but what can i say? Maybe its just all part of the plan. Happened before in primary school, its happening again. Why is it so f-ed up? Don't know why. Maybe 'cos i didn't put in enough effort. Let my parents down. Let my teachers down. Let my friends down. But worse is that i let myself down. What am i to do now? I don't even know if i can get the university course i want. I'm most probably going to end up as an idiot for the rest of my life, leading an unfulfilling and empty life. I'm officially screwed unless i can work something out fast.

Wors ething to happen today must have been the words i said. I was insensitive and blunt. I'm a bastard. I don't have a heart anymore. All i care about is myself. I'm sorry. Really am. Hope you can forgive me. It don't matter if you don't. I don't deserve to have you as a friend. I'm sorry.