40 days, 40 nights

Inspired by a movie of the same title i caught some time back, i guess that for the next 40 days and 40 nights, i'll try not to do anything stupid over Lent. For those peeps that actually caught the movie (by some weird stroke of luck or other), you'll guess what i'm trying not to do this Lent. Shit. I really hope i can keep this vow. Anyways, this period of time, its going to be a journey. While others are trying to find redemption, i'm just trying to find the answers i need. Some of these may seem obvious to most, but i guess that i'm not what people would describe as most. Shit. I've been at it for almost 3 years and what do i have to show for it? Just one measly lunch meeting. The other times i've asked her out? She's always busy. And the times i've tried to just talk with her, over the phone, SMS or MSN? She just ignores me. Maybe its because i don't exist, or maybe i'm an irritant. Shit. I need to find the answers, and i hope that the coming 40 days and nights will be just what i needed to get me out of this mess once and for all.

I hate being ignored, especially if i'm being ignore by someone who i really care for. Just the simple act of interacting with that person can be a pain at times. And when i don't get clear answers? It just gets worse. If you're really busy and you tell it to me explicitly, i'm sure i'll understand and not bother you. But when you just give half-hearted answers and better yet, just refuse to reply, then i can't help but feel that something is wrong. I really hate it, but i guess that i'm just addicted. I mean like, i'm not the type who obsesses over things but there is just that something which makes you special and i can't find it everywhere else. You always tell me to move on, just keep moving, but i can't. I just can't. Until maybe something drastic happens, i doubt i'll move anywhere along that path. I know its almost similar to killing myself, but i've just got to try, cos i'll regret if i never did.

So the week has been rather fun. CNY was spent visiting family and friends. I don't usually visit friends over the new year, but this year was different. I was forced out of the house by my parents so i went along with the flow and visited friends for the first time. And i throughly enjoyed myself. For the first time in a long while, CNY didn't seem to stuck up. Visited Cheryl's and Justina's place. Had a whole load of fun meeting up with all the other cocks, namely miah and khai, making a fool of myself in front of Cheryl's friends and losing nearly every game of Mahjong over at Justina's. And the food was fantastic too. It just felt different this year, and for that i'm glad. Looking forward to next year's CNY. Then i'll be civillian and i can get down to doing some proper visiting. And the ang paos! Haha.

After the joy of CNY, i found myself back in Gedong for the next 3 days till friday. It was rather ok in the sense that i spent 2 full days slacking off in the safety boat. Cleared off some good books (The Undercover Economist and Freakanomics), mingled a bit with my pioneers to hear all their grudges and petty pioneer politicking and got a rather good tan over 2 days. And then came Friday evening, which must have been the most fun i have had in ages...

Met miah and denyse for drinks we were supposed to meet at 8 but had dinner first and the place (Cafe Iguana) didn't have space so by the time we got to doing some real drinking, it was already 10-plus. Who's complaining anyway. Anyways, had a magarita and a corona. Most importantly, had fun. Beer bottle sectionals, beer shooting and just plain old talking cock. Its amazing how much people change over a year and its also amazing how much people do not change over the same period of time. And how much shit the three of us have had over the past year, its amazing that we can still laugh about it and carry on with life. Oh yah, and there was the 'Pepsi Cola' match we had just by the Singapore river with a load of bemused passerbys watching us as we went back to the sport of our college days. I got raped by miah who hasn't lost his touch and he got raped by Den, who said she was wearing slippers so we had to give her chance. Haha. On a normal day it would be a showdown between me and miah but its was real fun. Den, next time we meet, you better be wearing shoes. I want a rematch! Haha. This time i'll play properly. And just before we stumbled ack home, Den talked the 2 of us to try the reverse bungee. And in our alcohol and cock-talking induced haze of delirium, miah and i actually agreed. Thank god that by the time we got there, the place was closed, so we have to go back another time (not that i'm complaining). Come to think of it, if we had actually gone through with it, it would have had been fun and i would find my dinner all in the Singapore River. Its been ages since i had so much fun. Wish we could do it more often.

So yeah. My week on a whole was rather good. Its time i went to do some real searching for answers. Its time i started having fun. Its time i started living again.

Somewhere out there, i'll find my answers. Somewhere out there, things will be all happy again.

CNY!!

Before i say anything stupid enough to condem me, Happy Chinese New Year to all. May you get loads and loads of ang paos, oranges, and a mega sore throat at the end of it from all the bak kwa, alcohol and junk food so that you can report sick on Wednesday when you get back to work. Yup. Anyway, just have fun over this New Year break. Gamble, eat and make merry cos it only comes once every year, and for only 2 days a year at that. If only we were like the Chinese in China, 15 days of hols to visit their relatives! That would be the life, no doubt about it.

Staring to feel all shitty again. Don't know why. Should i just totally let go of this sham, or keep at it till i get the result i desire? I don't know. I need a clear sign from somewhere before i start to breakdown again.

And a very happy V-Day to you too.

Yep, so its that time of the year again. Valentine's Day. Hah. Its supposed to be a day for lovers, a day for friends. And where do i happen to find myself? Back at home in front of the computer again. Its all my fault really. I'm grateful for the day off from work, but i hate the feeling of being alone on a day like this. Well, i tried asking her out, but she was busy. She told me to go out, maybe try getting someone else, but i'm a hopeless romantic so i'll just leave it at that. Not her fault, mine. If i had the guts to ask her earlier maybe we could have worked something out. Well, i regret, but i'm not angry. Its just not right. Well, so its back to the drawing board for me. Got to find it in me to start being more confident about this, cos if i don't its never going to work out. Yeah. Got to work it out somehow. No point killing myself over it right?

So yeah, haven't blogged for about a week and now since i've got nothing to do and the most obvious source of entertainment is the computer, why not just write down some crap? Anyhow, i've been having a rather slack week so far. Spent alot of time in camp just wasting it like its free. Best part is that tmr will be having a nights off too. An opportunity? i don't think so. I'll just sleep in camp and imagine the things that could have been. Haha. That's my life, if you could call that a life. Everyday just brings me closer to the day when i can be free. Free from all this shit. Just another 262 days to go and i can finally breathe the fresh clean air of the civilian world, of freedom from the green. Then i can go to the University and live a life i want to live. After hearing all the horror stories about Uni you would think that i would be kind of put off, but i'm not. After going through what i'm going through now, Uni will be a piece of cake. All it takes is a little bit of finger-pointing, back-stabbing and chao keng to get the job done. Count on the 'gan cheong-ness' of your project group members and things would most probably work in your favour. Stay cool even when the deadline draws near and make people believe that everything is fine, but in the background, be so well prepared that even a nuclear strike from N. Korea cannot faze you. And lastly, in real dire situations learn to carry the balls of the profs. Learn their every nuance, every action. What they do and how they react will be your cue on how you should plan your schedule. Follow these simple steps and pray very hard. Things will work out your way somehow.

Well, that's my piece of advice for the week at least. Its getting closer to chinese new year, and it feels as though the regulars don't want to do anymore work. So its back to the NSF to do more work. Hopefully they don't try to shoot more arrows. I'm sorry buddy, i'm planning to siam everything they shoot at me. As much as i hate to do it, i'm sorry man. Its either me or you, preferably you.

I'm becoming more of an asshole. Give me a reason not to turn back to what i used to be. Please.

Taking a fall

This week was crap. After the high of the previous weekend, this week was a real pain in the ass. Period. It must have been one of the worsts weeks in my life. I mean like, its been ages since i last felt anything close to this, when i had to single-handedly manhandle my prefectorial board to swing into action and get some work done. Sheesh! I'm overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. I feel like a bloody peon doing the insanical work of some useless and ultimately fucked up superiors. Why am i being treated this way? Its kinda dumb really. This is not the life i want to lead, and i thought that life in the Army was meant to nurture young men into real citizens of the nation. Instead, they are driving us to point of physical and mental exhaustion. In school, when this sort of crap happens, at least you have someone to talk to, someone who will be willing to share your pain and maybe even carry the burden too. But in the fucked up organisation that is the army, nothing like this exist. You're expected to be man about it, and at the same time, no one will help you, because they are just out there covering their own asses and throwing more shit out at the same time. And guess who is the target for the shit? In comes the NSF 3rd Sergeant, just the guy you need to be your target. After all, he has enough authority to boss most people around, is supposedly supposed to be a commander and is supposed to be able to think on their feet. However, your average NSF 3SG does not feel that way. He is overworked, underpaid, unappreciated and to top things off, is also treated like yesterdays piece of shit. Like how do you expect me to be in 3 places at the same time? And to top things off, there are meetings to attend, indentments to be made and trainees (or pioneers) to take care of. Who's idea was it to post me to that super screwed up workplace? If i knew what was in for me, i would have asked to be posted elsewhere, but i guess i didn't have a choice right?

Well yeah, so i broke down on Friday evening. I really couldn't do anything for nearly the whole day. I just spaced out for some reason. It started out normal actually, just like any other Friday, looking forward to book out. But something was not right once the phone started ringing almost non-stop. "Ivan do this, Ivan do that" and "Ivan change this, Ivan where are you now?" As i said, i'm just 1 person and i'm superman either. Then just as i finished my work started to come to a close, as i was walking back to my office, i just broke down by the side of the road, and did something i haven't done in a super long time. I cried. I just sat on the kerb and cried for a full 10 minutes. Thankfully no one saw me or i would have had alot of explaining to do. I don't know why i did that. Really. I just broke down, and sat there. I don't think i'm doing too good now, and i feel kinda useless too. I don't know what to do at this juncture. I just want to lie down and sleep, hoping that when i wake up, it will all be over. Hah. Fat hope.

Oh yes, i've been doing some thinking, and have decided on one thing. I'm going to totally branch off from what i've always been doing. I don't think science really is my type of subject and seeing that i plan to retire before i hit 50, i would think that a job in a major bank would be kinda nice. Nice car, nice apartment in the city and maybe even start a nice little family. Would i be happy then? Maybe. Crap. Maybe go into investments or something, i don't really know, but there are internships out there which i would really want to apply for, so i've got to be on my toes from the time i start studying again. This time, i will not fail. I will not let my family down again. i will not be the black sheep of the country, nor will i allow others to see me as one. I really want to prove to people that i can be exceptional in at least some thing in life. I hate being seen as lesser than others. I will prove them wrong.

One last thing. I think i may never read FHM again. I don't believe they had a fat ugly girl in the mag, in a binkni on top of that. Disgusting. The image may never be erased from my memory. Argh!