Maybe, perhaps.. No Way.

Yeah, i kniow, its been awhile since i wrote anything really productive down on the blog. Too many things going on in my mind. Come to think of it, the real reason i haven't blogged for that long is cos i have nothing to write, or maybe i can't pen my thoughts down in an effective way anymore. Those people who have been reading my blog cannot help but notice that i tend to get all emo and stuff when i write, and i know it must be a pain for you all but i can't help it. Its just the way i am. Ah well, here goes..

Its almost time for me to leave the Army. Currently i'm on leave for 2 weeks. Yup, i'm so free that i don't even know what to do these days. So naturally, as there is no one to go out with, WoW and the telly take preference over all. Embarassingly enough, i sat through 24 hrs worth of Korean Dramas and i kinda enjoyed it. It was one of those shows that once you start, you can't seem to stop. I was hooked. Lol. But it was really nice and the ending (though quite stupid) was also quite touching. And it does take quite a bit to make me feel touched or to show much emotion these days. Sometimes i wish things could happen like they do on the telly. It all seems so good. But alas things like that will never happen, not to me at least. Because of what i am, what i have done and how i have chosen to live, i have denied myself the fairytale ending. It may seem gay or whatever coming out from a guy, but everyone has the right to dream. I'm going back on what i have said before, because i have realised that a person cannot do without dreams. Life without drteams of the future cannot be considered life at all. It would just be an empty husk. Sigh. Dreams are not for wimps. Dreams are for those who dare to make a difference in the lives of not only themselves but those around them.

Had 2 tickets for the fireworks festival last friday, and being the kind of guy that i am, i had no one to bring. Nothing new. So i happened to ask around my friends if anyone wanted them. To my suprise (really), she said she would take them for her parents and wanted to meet me. I was taken aback for an instant as all those feelings came rushing back like a flood. The walls and barriers i had so painstakingly set up over the months came crashing down in an instant. What was i to say or do? It was really uncomfortable for me. But yeah, anyway, i went on with the meeting and things went alright. We sat down, talked, laughed, just like old times. And all that time it just felt good. For that short 45mins, it felt like frankly like the movies. Old friends meeting up etc. Sigh. I don't think i shld write about this anymore, i don't want to get swept away in the torrent of mixed feelings and emotions just right now. Anyway, for what its worth, thanks.

Ok. So there, an update on my sad and boring life. If things became like the movies, wouldn't it be just great?

Loneliness is the hardest to bear.

Before its too late

Its been quite awhile since i last posted. Well, i've been busy (with the wrong things) so what do you expect? Its come to a point in time when things now seem to be all that much brighter. 2 more days till NDP (my Saturdays at last!), 3 months to ORD and 2 more weeks till i go on leave. I can't wait. Anyway, i've been ok recently. Nothing much to bother me, except maybe the sudden shocks which take some time to settle in but other than that i'm more or less fine. Things seem to be that much easier when you take the time to detach yourself from your feelings for others and just be selfish for a bit. I guess that us humans were made to be selfish. It just is that much easier when you do things your own way without having to care for another's feelings.

And this is the part that scares me. Really, it does. I am slowly starting to become an unfeeling monster. Its like, yeah i knew i made a vow of sorts to become something like that, but now all i feel is a coldness that surprises and troubles me deeply. Its like i've changed so much that even i don't believe that i could possibly change that much. Yeah well, i have changed and not for the better it seems. I thought that i could handle it, i was wrong. Now i'm in a mess again, this time its by my own doing which makes things even worse. How does 1 fight against himself and hope to come out unscathed? Who knows? Ah well, looks like another period of soul searching for me. Back to the drawing board...

Ah.. Was thinking of something just now, but i can't seem to remember what i wanted to write. Oh well.. me and my short term memory. Why do some guys always get lucky with girls, but i seem to be always in the dumps? Are my standards too high or am i just an ugly bum with no character and with a shitload of problems on my back? Or maybe its because its just not meant to be...