Stand your ground

I promised a post, and well, here it is. Its been awhile since i have had the time to really sit down and write some thing, and since i'm off today and i've been exposed to be a really horrible tank, maybe its time i focused my thoughts and typed them down. Well, there really have alot of things going on with me. Some of them have been rather pleasant while others have been well, not so pleasant. Sigh. And that is just how life is, ups and downs and all around, your world crashing all around you and the feeling of ultimate power, invincibility of oneself. That's life. Sigh.

Ok, first things first. Army. Just 110 more days till the big ORD date and i just can't wait. Its the feeling of freedom which i long. A break from wearing green, playing politics with people who don't understand it, lowering myself to the level of people who are sub-par on the IQ level and the hard-nosed bastards that inhabit my office. I mean, shit, i'm having to act as though i am a retard in order to survive in that screwed up place. Its just so demeaning. I'm not made for this sort of things. When i was asked by my OC to consider extending my service tenure just last week, i gave him a stare and said, "Sir, do i look that stupid? Maybe it hasn't occured to you that i've been applying for numerous courses just so that i can get out of the office. Take a look around, sir. Do you think anyone in his right mind would want to stay in a shit-hole like this? If you could clean it up in 2 months i'll still consider your offer, but i think you wouldn't be able to do it." With that i just walked out of his office. I said it at the top of my voice when all the warrants were around, and all the senior specs too. I'm not proud to have done that but i guess that it had to be done. People have to start realising that the world is changing and that the Army is not moving along with it. I don't know about other units but mine seems to be stuck somewhere between a 1.5 and 2 G army. They seem to get along by bullying NSFs, taking their anger and frustrations out on us and making life a hell. Talk about an NS experience. Know i know why only guys have to serve. Because if you asked a girl to do it, i figure that there would be that much more crazy people in the SAF ward of IMH.

Enough about that shit hole. On a more personal note, other than for the shit i get from the army, i'm feeling pretty good about things. I received a message from her the other day. I looked at it and smiled. I haven't smiled like that for awhile, but i did. I actually felt good about it. I still have it on my phone and well, it does perk me up on some days. It does bring back certain memories which i have been trying to push back, but i guess that i would have to face them one fo these days. Why not now? So yeah. I'm starting to do things which i have never done before. Like shit man, you've got to live life to enjoy it. My self-esteem is starting to be built back slowly. My defences, my armour, my shroud of mystery have started to seem impentratable again. Its like going back to the old days when i had a devil-may-care attitude to life. There are still times when i'm vulnurable too, and that's the difference from back then. It should work itself out in the end, i'm pretty sure of it. Let's just wait and see how events unfold.

Sometimes i wish that i could just say more. There are times when i wish things were back as they were. But alas, it can't be the same again. I've changed and those around me have changed alot too. I see things differently now. I can't see the silver lining but i can see the darker shadows creeping in at the edges of things, the hidden agendas and the power-plays which we unknowingly play on each other. Its these things which make me more weary. Every step, evry move is a calculated one, weighing the pros and cons, the losses and the gains. Its not that simple anymore. We're not kids. As much as i hate to say it, my childhood ended when i enlisted. NS has changed me. The experiences, both personal and not so personal have forced me into what i am today. The feelings i felt, the pain i've been through only serves to make me stronger. I'm kinda tired right now. It is just so draining to keep living this lie. I'm really not like that. Circumstances have forced me into it. To hate, to close my doors to other people, to feel that love is just superficial, one night stands and the likes. Is that really how i want to lead my life? Simple. No. I want a good life, i want a simple life. I just want to be myself and not what others want me to be.

From the latest harry potter movie, " The more i play, the more i care. The more i care, the more i stand to lose."

What to write?

I've got so many things to say right now. Just so many thoughts cluttered in my head, but i can't write them down. Am i starting to lose the gift of writing crass all the time? I guess that maube cause i got too little time to really compose my thoughts. So anyway, i promise a post soon, maybe on the weekend. Sigh. So much going on right now, where to even begin...

What?

I don't blog twice a day, but there i just some stuff i've got to say.

Why do some guys get all the luck with the girls, and i don't? It seems that no one wants to go out when i ask them to, but when some othe rguy ask them out, its no problem, ready steady go. Sigh. What have i done wrong? What am i doing wrong?

Looks to me like i'm off to a great start.

Huh?

Ignore the title. I can't think of anything else to name the post so the 'Huh?'. Ok, for once i shall not rant about how screwed up the army is. The less said the better. Anyway, 4 more months to ORD. I just can't wait.

It seems that recently, i haven't been talking much to people about things going on with my life. And when they ask me about it, i can only give them vague answers. Ah well, the change seems to be coming over me now and its not going to stop. However, this seems to be leading to a freezing of certain relationships with people who used to play a large role in my life. And on top of that other things seem to be getting in the way of things. Figures. I know she's in a nice relationship now and i'm actually quite happy for her. I hope it works out for her this time. Bet he's the guy that i will never be. Oh well.

Swearing off getting attached is a really hard thing to do. In order to stay true to yourself, you've got to really detach yourself from things, especially when things start to get more, how would you put it, intimate? Sigh. Yup. At times things life seems that much more lonelier, especially when you see your friends with their partners, well it kind of sucks. Think of it as getting a low blow when you least expect it (ok, maybe not). That's just life. Full of low blows and all the monkey junk that screws around with your mind. But the difference between guys and gals is that for some reason or other, they just keep moving on. They sit down, make a decision and go. It may seem that guys are dense and stuff like that, and some of them act like sissies, in the end what matters the most is that we can just carry on doing what we enjoy.

Looking back at the past few years of my life, i see a whole load of trash along the paths that i have walked. I have screwed peoples lives up and have caused much headaches to those around me. The people who stood by me and the people who mocked me, they are still there. The people who hurt me, even in the most innocent ways they still can be called friends in a sense. As much as i hate to use the word, we've got to soldier on through the good times and the bad. Treasure the good, learn from the bad, don't make the same mistakes again.

Anyway, its been ages since i've lasted spoken to her. When i told her i needed my space, she gave it to me. Now, i think i need to normalise relationships with not only her, but with so many other people as well. Time i took the step out to face the world for what it really is.

40 years of BS... And still counting

If you haven't realised yet, today was SAF (serve and fuck-off) day. Like i really give a damn anyway. And to those smart enough, BS stands for bullshit. Yes, the organisation known as the SAF turns 40 and personally, i'm rather suprised that it actually still exist today. Seeing how inefficient, archaric and useless it is, super big surprise. Come to think of it, as a serving serviceman at the current moment, i would say that this is one of the most 'down' moments in my life. Sigh. Personally i feel that the SAF is a really toothless military which would not do a very good job in the defense of the nation. Like so many other government organisations, i find that the beauracratic red tape and social pecking order doesn't help in anyway. I can't wait to get out. Seriously.

I'm really very tired and sick. Tired because i'm drained, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sick because i keep getting pushed around. Sick because my life is being controlled by a group of loud-mouthed, aggressive and plain retarded individuals who feel that they shouldn't work and that there will always be people who are there to clean the mess after them. This has to stop. I've never really held the thought of coming up with excuses just to stay away from work, but somehow, i'm slowly being driven to it. As much as i hate it, it seems that i have no choice.

Fuck the Army, fuck the SAF. Thanks for ruining my life.