Confessions of the broken.

I woke up 3 this afternoon, and i still feel tired. Thinking back at the last 3 weeks since i left the Army, it looks like i've hit new lows in my life. Nowadays, it seems that all i do is eat, sleep watch televison, play games on the computer, maybe do a bit of cooking and play a few rounds of squash with an old man. I have no social life to speak of. I think my friends don't want to talk to me or are preoccupied with other things. I feel left out from others. My life has gone to the dumps and its staying there for what seems like an extended stay. Spiralling out of control. I thought that leaving the Army would give me the opportunity to start on a clean slate, to have greater control over my life and my actions. But no. Instead it has caused me more pain. Even now as i'm writing these thoughts out, i just keep getting the feeling that i'm losing out on something.

The events which unfolded last night just go to show how much of a social vegetable i've become. Went out for dinner with Jean and KP. Dinner was rather uneventful. But things just kept bugging me during dinner. I didn't say much. Then came the after dinner activities. I came to realise then how much i've changed. I just couldn't click with them anymore, even KP with whom i've been through so much with. It felt unreal. Sure, i wouldn't mind a few drinks and stuff but, yeah, i just can't do it anymore and i don't know why. I think what really felt weird was the ease in which they talk about other people. Either way, i don't believe that i've gone that deep into depravity that i just can't do anything right anymore. I'm too sensitive about things. I let my heart guide my actions rather than making logical decisions based on what would be right for me. I don't share the same interest as my friends anymore. All i've become is a useless home-body. I don't know what goes on with them anymore. I don't know what they are thinking or what they are doing. I've become suspicious, maybe even paranoid that people are talking behind my backs. When they ask me out, i wonder if its out of pity or whether its because they genuinely want to hang out. I really don't know who i am anymore. I pretend to be the person i currently am, but i can't hold it much longer. I seem to be taking on the role of the clown everytime we meet up. I laugh, i try to entertain, i crack the joke, i offer the opposing view. But yet, that is not the kind of person i want to be, neither is it the kind of life i want to lead. I've seemed to have lost all confidence in myself. I can't even bring myself to understand my own feelings. Its a crazy thing really. The crazy times.

Other things seem to be bothering me too. They are kinda sensitive really. It just seems that everytime the end of November draws near, my emotions seem to take a spin. Come to think of it, i have lost all respect for myself because of this, seeing that i can't even keep promises i made to myself. I don't know how to say it really. This has really played havoc on me for along time. I said before that it should stop, but how do you stop your own human emotions, especially if they concern someone who you really care for. Its stupid of me to be saying this now. I don't know what to say or how to put it down in words. I need a few beers and a person who's willing to really listen to what i have to say and not go on rambling about their latest achievements or gossiping about whos seeing who or who broke up with who. They don't seem to spare a thought for the guy who's sitting in front of them who has had feelings for the same girl for the past 4 years even after the numerous times that he's been turned down flat and the times she's been with other guys. When that happens i really feel like the fool. All i can do is nod my head and pretend to be interested. But who knows what really goes on inside my head, the hurt i begin to feel which i try so hard to surpress. And now its come back to bite me. I don't know how to move on and what i should do about it anymore.

These really are ramblings. I think i've written enough for now. I really need someone who can bring me back into the world and stop me from slipping further and further away from reality.

On The Menu

Ok, its been about a week since i ORD-ed and i'm starting to get real bored at home. My computer sucks so i can't play Hellgate: London (which pisses me off quite a bit), there seems to be no one to go out with considering that most of the guys are still serving (my fault for enlisting early) and the girls are having exams, and finally, i have no intention of getting a job, so i shouldn't really be whining about being bored. Oh well, i'm just a lazy bum it seems. 

Anyway, since it seems that i'm not getting out of the house much, i had better start pulling my weight around less my mum start screaming at me for no apparent reason. So i've decided. I shall help out in the best way i can. Stay out of trouble, make my own bed every morning and last but not least, cook. Yes, cook. Believe it or not, i can do it, and i'm pretty good at it if i could say so myself. Don't believe me? Wait till you taste it. If i can impress my grandmother (a great cook in my opinion), i can impress anyone. Heh. So this week, on the menu:

Tuesday: Beef stew with oatmeal biscuits

Wednesday: Risotto with butternut squash and pancetta

Thursday: Pot-roasted beef with potato and horseradish cake

Damn. A lot of work it seems, but i think i can do it, no problem. I've done worse, trust me. And this is good training for the University. If i'm going to stay in hostel, i had better be able to whip up a storm in the kitchens. I won't go hungry that way. Haha.

So that's it for this week i think. 3 dinners this week, maybe another 3 next week. Who knows what i'll cook in a month. And with all the food going down my throat, i had better start exercising too. I'm starting to get fat! The weekly squash matches against a 51-year young man which up to now i still manage to lose horribly is not going to get me my 6-pack or my wings. Hit the gym ivan, hit the gym.

I really am too free these days. I need to get out of the house more. My dad says i'm turning white which is not a good thing in my opinion. I'm getting fat. I sleep for 14 hours a day and i still feel tired. Something is very wrong here so i have to fix it or i'm dead. 

Off to the gym!

ORD LOH!!!

Its kinda late for this post. I took back my i/c on Friday and officially ended my 22 months of bondage on Sunday. Who really cares anyway?

ORD LOH!!!

Enough said.

Back to the business of being a civilian again.