Keep your voices down

I feel like shit. Seriously. It seems that i don't have anymore things to live for. All i do everyday is drudge work, just like the ultimate 'sai kang' warrior. Like, Ivan! Where are the rations? Ivan! Throw the trash! WTF!!! For god's sake, i'm a friggin 3rd Sergeant, but yet i'm still being treated like shit. I'm like the lowest ranking guy in the course i'm attending now. Its full of regulars. Ok, fine. Some of the regular specialist are kinda cool. I just can't stand them smoking all over the place, especially when they decide that they need a communal smoke break and just smoke all over the place. It's like the haze, only much worse. But oh man, fuck all the bloody long-winded warrant officers. They have too much to say. Every night without fail, we'll end trainig late because those bastards have to have their 2-cents worth before they are happy. Ok, its not really 2-cents, more like 5 bucks worth. They just keep rambling on and on and on... It just keeps going. A little like this blog, but they are worse. I wouldn't want to be in their tender care any longer than i have to. Only 3 more weeks. This starting to sound like the time i was a trainee Corporal. Haha. This feeling kinda sucks but i guess its temporary.

The feeling is worse, now that i have lost my first office politics battle. Maybe i tried taking too big a bite out of the cake, targeting my OC as prime target No. 1. Haha. Shit. She somehow found out that i actually really hated her despite the friendly facade i put up around her. Well, i used to pride myself with my subtle skills of deception and manipulation. I guess that i'm getting rusty, but what the fuck. Haha.

I'm seriously damn confused witht the signals i'm getting now. What do they mean? What should i do?

Breaking the habit

Spending the last night outfield gave me alot of time to think. Ok, technically i wasn't outfield cos i was sleeping in a 5-Tonner on a safari bed. Its just this regular conversion course that i'm attending now, 5 weeks of shit which i don't have much of a care about, but unfortunately i have to attend. So, sitting in the dark interior of the vehicle, it came to me that i ahve a lot of issues which are kind of getting in the way of my progress towards anything. And i only have to blame myself for it. Its no one elses fault but mine. I admit that i think too much, give myself too much hope and just assume that i'm god's gift to the world. Well, its just me, and i would like to apologise for it. For making people worried about me and stuff. Yup. Its ok. You guys got your own lives to lead so go ahead and live it. Don't worry too much about me cos i've been through alot before and i think i can get through this alone. Well, i guess that i just have to ask and there most probably will be people there to look out for me.

I don't have the guts to do what must be done, and it tears me up inside. All the guys i talk to say its not worth, but still, i can't help but think that there is something there and that i'll regret if i don't take this opportunity. And how would i know if it is possible if i don't try. Well, i just don't have to guts. I doubt i'll be able to take another outright rejection.

Something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it. Argh!! It tears me up inside.

When we were young.

Before i start off this post, i would like you guys reading to ignore the previous posts. I was just feeling really very down, just one of my moods. Its like running headlong into a wall. Seriously. The only person who feels anything is me and no one else. Ok, maybe not just me, but the only person to feel the detrimental effects is me. I humbly apologise to all those involved and hope that no offence is taken. I know you guys are always there. Its just that i didn't realise it when it mattered. To Ben and Miah, thanks a million dudes. Thanks for being there when i needed it. On hindsight, it really wasn't worth it.

Sometimes, i just wish i was young again. It was so simple then, when everything was taken for granted. Now, things have changed. I'm not the same person i used to be. I try to be more of a man, rather than a boy. But its just so difficult, fighting me demons, day in day out. It doesn't help when you get people dumping their problems on you and you've got nowhere to dump yours. Furthermore, it really really doesn't help when you get ignored by someone whom you really care about. I just want to talk with no other motive but yet its so difficult to do. But i figured that i shouldn't get angry, neither should i try to get even because all it can breed is just more pain and i'll-feeling between us. Its not worth it. I've spent more than 2 years trying to nurture a relationship between us and i don't want to ruin it just because of something i said on impulse.

Yeah. So if you are reading this, i guess that you are most probably pissed off with me and i can totally understand the sentiment.But if you happen to forgive me, just give me a message? I mean like i guess its time we had a real talk rather than just writing words which mean nothing without the human touch. I hate technology, but i love it when i see your face, your smile. If you can't or won't forgive me just yet, i accept your decision. But i hope you will.

Hope. Hope is everything i have left.

Whitehorse

3 days out field, 0 hrs sleep. That kind of sums up my whole week. Whitehorse was a pain in the ass, but after spending nearly 3 months being an office drudge slave, it felt kind of good. Not taking a shower, eating meals out of a green pack, mosquitoes biting in unatural places and best of all, no sleep for 2 days, it actually feels good. Makes me feel alive just to spend a few days out in Gedong, with nothing but my SBO and full pack to keep me company through the never ending nights and crazy long days. was assigned to be safety spec for the exercise. Got a rover to myself, which was acttually kind of fun until you realised that both you and the driver do not know your way around the bloody place, which is damn super huge and confusing. Got lost no less than 5 times in 1 night, due to a lack of sleep and a lack of knowledge of the terrain. But still, i found my way out and so here i am updating this blog.

Went to help out j1 retreat this weekend. It was kind of fun goofing around with the guys. But still, i feel really pissed off over 2 things. Firstly, i feel that the j1 batch are a bunch of ill disciplined bastards and have no respect for authority. Secondly, where in the world did they find that useless bunch of f-ed up facils. They don't even count as people to me. They sucked, to put it simply. I was real disappointed to see that the facils were giving me more problems that than the participants. I feel really disappointed, but what can i do or say? Like i make any difference to what other people say and do. Its all screwed up in the end.

I think of myself as a person who is aways there for others when they need it. When a buddy says he's feeling down, i'm always there to lend a listening ear. But when i have problems, no one seems to be there at all. When i need to talk to someone, they just brush me off like i was yesterdays trash. They don't even have the fucking courtesy to tell me they don't want to talk. They just don't listen. I'm really sick of being a nice guy. I want to have friends whom i can talk to on a mature level, not just about the Army, or about school, or only about their problems and not listen to mine in turn. Maybe i should be less nice. At least that way, i'll have no friends which in turn would mean that i wouldn't have to be a social animal anymore. I could just curl up into a ball and die in the corner while everyone just walks by me, ignoring me. After all, i'm meant to be ignored aren't i? I'm not good enough for you people to waste your time on but good enough for me to waste my time on you. I've had it with me eading this double life, this 2-faced lie of a life. I've been a fool and i've been made a fool by people whom i thought were my friends. Thanks alot guys, for wasting my time on your petty feelings and thoughts. Thanks alot for not being where i needed you most. Thanks alot for ignoring me.

Ah, what the hell. Like anyone actually bothers about me. I shouldn't even bother to talk about it. After all, who cares? this blog is a fucking sham. Maybe i should close it down.

I think i'm going crazy

Its final. I'm going to stop playing WoW as soon as my subscription ends (7th November 2006, 04:35PDT), period. Enough is enough i think. I spent 10 hrs playing today, which kind of sucks considering that weekends are meant to be enjoyed. Well, i felt like it was a total waste of my time. Burned my whole Sunday not doing anything productive at all. Except playing. Crap. Feel like i've wasted my whole weekend. Ok fine, there was no mobilisation, but still? Argh!!! I wish i could go out more. At least i went out on Saturday to the CJ open house. Was kinda fun in a way but still, it wasn't enough. And the feeling of a wasted Sunday? ARGH!!!!

I swear to stop WoW-ing when my subscription ends!

Ok, enough about how shitty my weekend was. Now about how shitty the coming week is going to be for me. Let's start with Monday...

Monday: Beg people to lend me a bucket of lubricant; Take the pioneers out to do sai kang; Get screwed by a maniacal OC; Paperwork
Tuesday: Liason for stores; Collect the stores; Load the stores
Wednesday: Liason for stores; Collect the stores; Load the stores; Outfield to Gedong (no shower, no toilet, mosquitoes)
Thursday: Outfield, outfield and even more outfield
Friday: Outfield, Unload stores, Wash stores, Return stores, Wash vehicles, Get screwed; Book out late
Saturday: CJ Retreat (finally a respite)
Sunday: SISPEC section outing; Get ready back to work

Oh man, just thinking of the coming week gives me bad headaches. Haha. Can i get a norovirus? Please? I don't mind going to the toilet every few minutes and feeling like shit just so that i can get away from this mess i'm in. Seriously. Being on MC is much better than going to work, just like going to school is better than going to work :) (sorry girls).

Another thing. I finally found the swebsite i heve been looking for for so long. JOHNSTONE FITNESS.COM!! Finally, some motivational inspiration for me to hit the gym again, to get myself back into shape. Imagine a fat guy turning into a lean mean fighting machine. WOW!!! I like and i want. I'm going to get myself back into the gym, pumping the iron and doing the cardio. I'm going to take the pain like a man. Haha. For the future, i'll do anything.

But first, to get off WoW...

On a lighter note..

Ok, i think i've recovered some what from my last depression like state. I know you guys are tired of me writing about my sad life, so i'll right something happier, well not so happy if you happen to be in the line of fire. If you happen to be in it and feel unhappy, please tell me asap and i'll consider your stand. Maybe i'll apologise, or maybe, if i feel mean, i'll find an excuse to jack you back even more. I don't like being unhappy, trust me. No one does. I guess that if i just smile and laugh, things would somehow solve itself. I wish...

But wtf. Back to the real issues. I've spent the last 2 days in NTU supposedly on course. However, the last 2 days have been more than just a simple course. Oh please let time pass faster so i can step into the uni as a student myself. It seems so, how would i put it, carefree. Just strolling ard the campus, chatting with friends, looking at girls.. haha... I really want to go to uni. Life seems so much simpler there then in the army. It's like i'm in another dimension altogether. There is no regimental hierachy, no boundaries and most importantly, no need to wear ugly camouflaged green. I know the girls may disagree, but when compared to the army, uni is really heaven. Seriously.

Ok. Next. Mooncake festival. Haha. I surprisingly ate very little mooncakes this year. And the best part was, i spent the whole of the night not looking at the moon, rather i was sitting in the guard room, getting my lungs filled with smoke from some obscure region in indonesia. It kinda sucked, but considering that the alternative was to sit (yeas ladies and gentlemen, really sit) in the park to eat the mooncakes and look at the moon that if i was not wrong, not even there in the first place. No sleep that night, was a grumpy monstrosity for the rest of the weekend.

Speaking about the haze, it seems that the indonesians keep shooting themselves in the foot. Year after year, they just keep burning their forest, thus making poor sad sods like me with slight lung problems wheeze and struggle for breath. I mean seriously. What the hell are they trying to do? Don't burn so much lah. If u want the trees, cut it down with a chainsaw or axe. If u want the ground to be fertile, but fertilizers (rushes to start up a fertilizer company selling to the inons only). Do anything, but please don't burn the trees anymore. Seriously, if man didn't discover fire, we wouldn't have this problem. But come to think of it, if we didn't have fire, what would we have? I wouldn't like living in a cave, but if i didn't know anything more comfortable, would i really care? Its all relative.

Anyway, was doing some thinking and i've remembered something which i have taken advantage of all these years. Thanks to Tiff for helping me remember. My dad used to say, "I'm not giving u an MC. Just take 2 PANADOLs and go to bed". Usually it works. I guess that what he really meant to say was that i should just keep looking forward. take a chill pill, and everything a=can be settled when you are calm and cool. No need to rush things let them happen naturally.

So i say this. Just bring it on. I'm prepared and waiting for the final outcome.

Trying to run.

I would like to visit you for awhile,
Get away and out of this city.
Maybe i shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.
We can go sit on your back porch,
Relax
Talk about anything,
It don't matter.
I'll be courageous as long as you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

Because i don't know you anymore,
I don't recognise this place.
The picture frames have changed and so has your name.
We don't talk much anymore,
We keep running from the pain.
But what i wouldn't give to see your face again.

Springtime in the city,
Always such relief from the winter freeze.
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what i mean.
Everyone's got an agenda,
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright.
Can you believe what a year its been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

Because i don't know you anymore,
I don't recognise this place.
The picture frames have changed and so has your name.
We don't talk much anymore,
We keep running from the pain.
But what i wouldn't give to see your face again.

I know i let you down,
Again and again.
I know i never really treated you right,
I've paid the price,
I'm still paying for it everyday.

So maybe i shouldn't have called,
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell,
It doesn't really matter.
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Just something from my past. Read it carefully and you may figure out what i'm going through.

Excuse me, are you wearing space pants?

Before anything else, i'm not wearing space pants, and this post really has nothing to do with space pants, or any kind of pants for that matter. Ok, there. Point set. Down to the real business.

It feels so good to hear your voice,
Saying my name it sounds so sweet.
Coming from the lips of an angel,
Saying those words it makes me weep.
Lady, never want to say goodbye,
But girl you make it hard to be faithful.
With the lips of an angel.

You know what? No matter how much i rage against something or someone, in the end, it always ends up that i either make peace with the person or make peace with myself. You may call me a fool, but it just isn't in my nature to stay angry for long. I don't bear grudges, but i do bear the hurt of what ever caused the anger. I try not to let it show, but invariably, it does. And when it does, it turns me dark and evil. I apologise for my moods. I really am. If what i ahve written has hurt you, i'm sorry for that too. I hope to make my peace with you, and hope that something can be made from it.

I want to run away from this dark side, but i find it so difficult. Facing it is too tough without support. Will you be there when i need you? I don't know. Only you can answer that question.

Turning a corner?

I think i'm feeling better now. Ignore my last post. I was a little drunk after having too much fun with my friend Mr Absolut. Right now, i feel almost fine, except that i had a real shit day at work. I know better now. I will try not to be in the office from around 1630 onwards. That way, nobody can throw extra work for me to do, thereby allowing me to leave camp at about 1700 sharp. I feel like a Bengali busboy who has been working for the whole dinner service and yet gets shouted at by the maitre'd and the chef, after which, he is tasked to clear the grease traps, take out the trash and wash up after the drunk bartender just for that bit of extra cash to send to his family back home. Only difference between him and me is that he's getting OT pay. I'm not. Try living on a measly $660 a month and still having to work dog hours and stuff. If i have to do an officer's job, you had better pay me the respect and pay of an officer. If not, you can piss off and do the stuff on your own. I've had it with people messing up my plans. For god's sake! I wanted to go out to town to meet some secondary school friends and i had to cancel everything last minute. Enough is enough, i'm putting my foot down!

Anyway, i would like to thank some people. When i was at my lowest, you guys (and gal) were there to help me up again. Ben, i've known u since primary school. Thank god you were there to help me out. Tiff, thanks alot. What u said really helped me realise that i had friends on which i can count on and rely on when i needed it most. For that, i'm deeply grateful. I think i've turned a corner. I've learnt to let go somewhat, but certain things are too precious to me for me to just let them go so easily. If its anything to go by, i've decided to pursue my dreams. if i can't do it locally, i'm determined to do it else where. Currently looking at pre-med courses in american universities. There is a chance i may go there to study. Boston College, get ready for an invasion!!

Me and my friend, Mr Absolut

I'm typing this while watching "The F Word" on television. Its a food show mind you, not some funny crap which you may be thinking right now (i'm not that sort of guy, trust me). Right now, their talking about how food is somehow causing men to get low sperm counts and mutated ones even. Lol. i'm going to start eating more oily fish, more tomatoes and drink loads and loads of water. time to start taking care of myself.
On my lap, is my dad's new laptop. A real sleek machine which i kinda like. Maybe i'll trade my old crappy Fujitsu for his spanking new IBM Lenovo. Nice sleek and nice with a fingerprint reader. I like. Haha.
Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that my only real friend is this bottle of peach Absolut vodka which i have had for quite awhile. Still got half a bottle left which is nice, considering that a bottle cost almost $70. Maybe a bottle every 2 or 3 months. That would be real nice. Anyway, it is my real friend because i can do anything to it and it would never complain. Its always close at hand and it suprisingly has yet to make me drunk. My friend, Mr Absolut (or whatever your name is), thank you for making Russia's most famous product (after Maria Sharapova and shashlik) readily avaliable to people with no real friends like me. You're my only friend cos you're always there. Vodka with cranberry, vodka with sprite or just plain vodka. They all work for me. If i can't trust real people, then maybe i should trust Mr Absolut, from Russia with love.
I know that you told me that you're against using alcohol to help me with my problems. But i can't help it. I'm sorry. Just need to get over this rough patch.

Maybe she could help me. If only.