Me and my friend, Mr Absolut

I'm typing this while watching "The F Word" on television. Its a food show mind you, not some funny crap which you may be thinking right now (i'm not that sort of guy, trust me). Right now, their talking about how food is somehow causing men to get low sperm counts and mutated ones even. Lol. i'm going to start eating more oily fish, more tomatoes and drink loads and loads of water. time to start taking care of myself.
On my lap, is my dad's new laptop. A real sleek machine which i kinda like. Maybe i'll trade my old crappy Fujitsu for his spanking new IBM Lenovo. Nice sleek and nice with a fingerprint reader. I like. Haha.
Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that my only real friend is this bottle of peach Absolut vodka which i have had for quite awhile. Still got half a bottle left which is nice, considering that a bottle cost almost $70. Maybe a bottle every 2 or 3 months. That would be real nice. Anyway, it is my real friend because i can do anything to it and it would never complain. Its always close at hand and it suprisingly has yet to make me drunk. My friend, Mr Absolut (or whatever your name is), thank you for making Russia's most famous product (after Maria Sharapova and shashlik) readily avaliable to people with no real friends like me. You're my only friend cos you're always there. Vodka with cranberry, vodka with sprite or just plain vodka. They all work for me. If i can't trust real people, then maybe i should trust Mr Absolut, from Russia with love.
I know that you told me that you're against using alcohol to help me with my problems. But i can't help it. I'm sorry. Just need to get over this rough patch.

Maybe she could help me. If only.