Can't smile no more

Something weird is happening to me and i don't know what it is. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at my phone, waiting for something to happen. I seem to spend a lot of my free time thinking of things long gone but apparently not forgotten. I spend a lot of time thinking.
I remember i promised myself a clean break, but yet, the feeling is coming back. Its not easy to fight these demons especially when they are so alluring. It was just there, right in front of me, and yet again i missed the boat. Is it that difficult for something like that to happen? Am i that useless? Or am i just fated to stay the way i am till the day i find myself in an oven, 1 foot into a wall? Its driving me crazy, yet i torture myself over nothing. Its like as if i was never there in the first place. Maybe i dream too much, maybe i think too much. Who knows? Even i myself don't really know. I wanted a break. I got it for what? 2 months when everything seemed normal until just recently, when that feeling just came back. And this time, it seems to be coming at me with a vengence and i don't think i can stop it. What's wrong with me?
Friends. What are they actually? I thought i had them. Obviously i'm wrong. It seems that i'm only good to them when they are in need of something. Need help with a WoW quest? Need help with money? Need help with directions to some place you need to go? Fine. Just ask ivan. He'll give me what i need. But when he needs something from me, i'll be either too busy, or i can give some lame ass excuse cos he doesn't really mind. After all, he's too nice so he can be taken advantage of. I say this. Fuck you if you want to think that way. I'm better off without you bunch of scheming ass fair weathered "friends". I don't want to talk to you guys anymore. You don't deserve my time.
I'll never know it seems. I'll just let it pass. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. One thing is for sure, i'll try not to let my moods in. I'll fight the demons and i will win.

I hope.