Butter and Cheese

Ah.. The long weekend is here again. 3 days out of the army, 3 days of more than 7 hours of sleep. Most importantly, 3 days closer to the time i pass out as a Corporal. Yeah. Who cares if i'm not booking out next weekend. Doesn't really matter cos i don't really have much to look forward to over the weekends. I really don't know what there is to look forward to over the weekends. Seriously. It seems that all my friends are only there for the instant i know them. After that they just seem to vanish, disappear, like mist in the morning sun. Am i that repulsive a person that the only time people whom i call 'friends' is when they don't really have a choice? I mean like if that is the case, its better if i never existed in the first place. Is that how it is meant to be? How the hell would i know. I spend almost the whole week in a place i would rather not be. Who knows what people are doing behind my back, the things they say about me.

Anyway, why should i care? After all i never really existed to them did i?

I'm going to stop blogging for awhile, trying to look for the answers. Sometimes i feel like this stupid thing actually hinders any progress to be made by me. I haven't abandoned it, i'm just leaving it to fester and rot for a long while, maybe a month or 2 and see what happens. Maybe i'll figure it out, maybe i won't. Maybe i'll be killed in next weekend's live firing (accidents do happen). Maybe, maybe, maybe. All the maybes in life. Hah. Why should i care anymore?

Foxtrot Oscar. For a long while.

Lost. Really.

I got lost during my navigation excercise on thursday. Walked through 2 swamps, climbed countless knolls, saw satellite dishes, tried walking in vegetation next to the PIE. Failed. Walked about 3 klick back to the end point. Sian. Got back to camp at only 0030. At least i got back in one piece. Thought i was going to die in the bloody Mandai forest. Haha. At least i'm still alive. Did alot of thinking during the excercise. Best to keep those thoughts to myself though.

The week was kind of fun. Passed my SOC. Yup. I'm getting really fit in SISPEC. Speaking about SISPEC, i don't really care about cross-over anymore. It doesn't really matter. i'm really enjoying myself over ther so why change. And i'm toying with the idea of being a Guards Sergeant. Sounds like fun. And the pay is rather good. Haha. Ah, who really cares. Just take it as it comes. That's how life should be.

Suck thumb, breathe deep. The deeper the better.

Really really bored

Ok. Its official. I'm really bored. Even wow doesn't seem so addictive anymore. Haha. Anyway here are some lyrics from a jap song i really like.

Hitomi Wo Tojite (I close my eyes) -- Ken Hirai

asa mezameru tabi ni
kimi no nukegara ga yoko ni iru
nukumori wo kanjita
itsumo no senaka ga tsumetai
nigawarai wo yamete
omoi ka-ten wo akeyou
mabushisugiru asahi
boku to mainichi no oikakekko da

ano hi miseta nakigao
namida terasu yuuhi kata no nukumori
keshisarou to negau tabi ni
kokoro ga karada ga kimi wo oboeteiru

Your love forever
hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dake de ii
tatoe kisetsu ga boku no kokoro wo okizari ni shite mo

itsuka ha kimi no koto
nanimo kanjinakunaru no ka na
ima no itami idaite
nemuru hou ga mada ii ka na
ano hi miteta hoshizora
negai kakete futari sagashita hikari ha
mabataku ma ni kieteku no ni
kokoro ha karada ha kimi de kagayaiteru

I wish forever
hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore shika dekinai
tatoe sekai ga boku wo nokoshite sugisarou to shite mo

Your love forever
hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dake de ii
tatoe kisetsu ga boku wo nokoshite iro wo kaeyou to mo
kioku no naka ni kimi wo sagasu yo sore dake de ii
nakushita mono wo koeru tsuyosa wo kimi ga kureta kara
kimi ga kureta kara

Wonder what it means. Haha. Anyway it's a really nice song. Soothing melodies, powerful vocals. Anyway, its just basically a love song. First heard it in JC from zhang jia de and got hooked instatntly. Its a really good song. Sigh. Got to go back in 2 hours. The feeling sucks. Why can't i just spend time out of the army? Why can't iS just spend time with friends and family. I wish i was back in college. If only i knew thenh what i know now. Maybe i wouldn't have made the same mistakes. Maybe things would have been better. Maybe i would ahve been happier. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Sigh. all the maybes and what ifs in life.

Boredem and regrets.

It has been a good 3 day break for me. Too bad it finished too fast. Booked out on thursday night after a hell of a day out in the field. "Contacted Left/Right/Front/Back". I hate those words. Worse is the weird stuff we had to prone in. My buddy proned down in shit (wild boar i think). I was next to him. He smelled for the rest of the day. But still, we managed to get a good laugh out of things, from semi-auto weapons becoming 1 shot 1 cock, to falling asleep in the tall grass (lalang). Haha. These are the sort of things that keep me going these few days. I ahev been quite diappointed with myself. What's the point in being able to run and jump so well, when i can barely pull. Explains alot why i got a 21 point pass for my IPPT. It's disgusting. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like a loser. I feel weak. I just want to give up. Seriously. Thank God for the friends i have made in camp. They are the ones that keep me going, day after day after day...
Friday was like any other Good Friday. Good because i got to stay home to rest. Going to church beats chiong sua in a cemetery anytime, even if i requires me to stand and kneel for God knows how may times. Saturday was even better. Spent some time with my council mates. Met the guys and a few unexpected others. Spent a bit of time talking to them. But still, i regret not spending enough time with her. It felt so empty and dry. I justw ish i could ahve spent more time just with her and no one else. But i guess we all have our priorities in life. I do regret it, but i'm still happy. Anytime spent with friends is time well spent. Went for vigil mass that night and a weird plan came to me. Something to change someones life for the better. Only miah knows the plan. It will be put into action soon. haha.
Back to camp tonight. Out only on Saturday night. That is 6 long days. 6 days in the field. ^ days in the rain and sun. 2 days in Mandai doing navigation. Hope i don't get lost or end up in 'Hor-Lan'. Haha. Maybe i'll just end up at the zoo. Imagine a guy carrying a rifle terrorising kids who just want to see the lions and tigers. Haha. So if u happen to be around the PIE, central catchment area on Monday and Thursday, do drop by and give a shout out. I'm sure there will be friendly soldiers out there who would be willing to do anything to get out of the bloody forest. Haha. Out!

Things to say.

Spent a good week in camp. Had live firing of the SAW, SAR 21, MATADOR and M203 this week. These weapon systems are fun to use, though they are a bitch to carry, especially the MATADOR (try carrying a 9kg tube and running around. not fun. worst part is that it's only good for 1 shot). Best thing about the week is that we had a nights off on Wednesday. Went down to Jurong Point to have a good dinner with my buddy. Had a good talk about all sorts of things, about life in general. It was a good night. Yup. Really enjoyed myself. IPPT on Saturday. Failed again by my pull-ups. Bloody hell. When can i ever get it right?
Spent the whole weekend watching television and just bumming around. Surprisingly learnt s few things from the shows i was watching (Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs etc.)

Lessons i learnt:
1) Never make promises you cannot keep
2) Never be too cocky to ask for help
3) Unexpected things can happen in the most unlikely of times
4) Sometimes being a good person can get you into alot of trouble. Learn to bend the rules.
5) Be yourself
6) When the going get's tough, the tough get going (cliche i know)

Yup. Lessons to treasure for a lifetime. Wonder what i should do now. Feeling so sian. Maybe i'll go take a nap. Short week ahead, only 4 days cos of Good Friday (its a good holiday). Problem is nearly everyday i'll be outfield. That sucks. That means wet and smelly uniforms, late nights spent with my crazy PC and more tekan sessions to come. haha.

Its going to be a good week.

Tired, Lost.

Back from camp for the weekend again. Was a really tiring week. Too many test, not enough time to study. It's a wonder i still manage to do rather well. Scoring somewhere in the higher 80s range of marks. Not too bad considering that i spend most lessons trying to stop myself from sleeping and talking all sorts of cock with my section mates. As of now, SISPEC is all theory. Not really looking forward to outfield but i'll get used to it once it starts. Somehow. As my late section commander Sgt Ridhuan used to say, "Lan lan suck thumb". To the memory of my late Sergeant, i will suck it up and do the best i can wherever i am. One for Sergeant Ridhuan!

Anyway, here are some apologies which i think i owe a few people:
1. To Jean. Sorry if i sounded blunt on your tag board the other time. No offense meant about the SISPEC-OCS thing.
2. To my BMT section mates. Sorry for not being there when i was needed. Its just that i have things to settle.
3. To my college mates and school mates. Fo making you listen to all the rubbish i have put you guys through, listening to me rant on and on incoherently for hours on end.
Those are the apologies for now. Yup. better make them before anymore shit happens.

Have been feeling a little under the weather the last few days. There are times in camp where i just totally switch off and don't think (when i put on my helmet for example). Had a little conversation with tiff last night and what she said i guess is really through. Life is what you make it out to be. That's putting it simply, like a summary of sorts. Come to think of it, that was the first time in a long time i have spoken to her on such a level. I miss those days when we could just talk about anything under the sun for god know how long. haha. Anyway, thanks tiff for the advice and stuff. I'll put it to practice and see what i can do. I'm sure i'll be better soon.