Here in my living room

After the occurrences of last Sunday, i really needed some cheering up. Turning to the master of emo, i got this song from donovon. Thanks don for the song. I'm hooked on it. Its so full of emotion and meaning pertaining to what i've been going through. Thanks a million man. Anyway, here's a sample from youtube of the song he sent me. Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you Something Corporate with Konstantine...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NwJWWnn-cw

I don't know how to make the video thingy come out. Maybe someone could teach me. Anyway, just for good measure, here are the lyrics for the song...

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams

And you tell me that it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
And you're restless, and I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking, no
Could you let me go?
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
Because you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me that I could take you there
But dammit, you're so young
Well, I don't think I care
And if I hurt you
Then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

Then you'd bring me home
Because we both know what it's like to be alone
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room to live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking
What I was thinking
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do is touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking that these nights when we were drinking
No, they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a 'k'
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

My Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like I do
No, they'll never hurt you like I do
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know
You keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these fucked up things I did
Hey, maybe, baby
You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep, but this time not alone, no, no
And you'll kiss me in your living room
I know
You'll miss me in your living room
Because these nights I think maybe that
I'll miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

If i could play the piano, i would have played this for her. Well, its obviously too late for that now. Won't stop me from trying to learn how to play it though. Beautiful song.

Down by the Marina

Well, i've been spending the past few days down by the Singapore River just by the Esplanade. I must say, the work is tiring in preparation for my formation anniversary and NDP and i'm really not enjoying it. The only good thing about it is that i get to see the city scape from places where not many people get a chance to see it from. Another good thing about it is that i get to spend time out at sea. I really love it. Its just the vastness of it. The wildness, the untamed beauty of the sea. Even though i'm working in a sheltered bay, i can still feel the sheer power of it. Its almost the perfect remedy for all my problems. Just being there, it calms the soul, frees the mind and relaxes the body. The only problem is my work doesn't allow me to fully appreciate the beauty of it. Another problem is that it only provides temporary relief from the problems i face, day in day out. At the end of the day, when i'm done for the day, the problems just start creeping back in their own insidious ways. Problems at home, problems at work, with relationships, friends. There really is no outlet for me to vent all these problems. The sea provides me with that escape, but reality strikes back and it strikes back hard.

I just was talking to her. Long story. I'm not going to put any details here just in case she doesn't want others to know about it. So yeah. I finally plucked up the guts and told her that i wanted a clean break from things. I still wanted to remain friends, but i explained that i needed time away for awhile so that i can detach myself from it. It may be a few weeks, or maybe a few months (most probably a few months by my reckoning). She was the first person i really liked. I've never felt this way for any other girl before. But since it didn't seem to work out, I guess that i just have got to let it go. I don't want to keep hurting myself, over and over again just because i think that there is hope. There is no FUCK thing such as hope anymore. It didn't even exist in the first place. What was i thinking when i fell for her? Whatever. What's done is done and i can't change the fact that i had run the race and lost. As i said, my armour is coming back on again. I'm not going to fall so easily again. From now on, i lead the single life, a lone wolf. Maybe i'll find someone in the future, maybe i'll not. Either way, i'm through with her more or less. We'll still be friends, no doubt, but my every move, every action and every word will be guarded from now on. I will not fall again.

From my previous posts, you guys would most probably think i'll make friends with Mr Absolut, Mr Smirnoff or Mr Walker, but this time i'm not. Firstly, i don't have enough cash to meet either of them, and i don't intend to spend anything just to get them. Secondly, i think alcohol doesn't work, it just makes it worse. And lastly, the plan to get fit doesn't involve alcohol. So yeah.

There really is nothing i can do to salvage the situation anymore. I've just got to let it slide. It will be a long and difficult journey ahead of me, but hopefully i can pull through. I know i will. I must pull through. I need to exorcise my demons once and for all. I'll be stronger when this fracas is over and done.

This i meant for you. I guess that i'll always be the guy who never made it. 3 years i've loved you. 3 years, i've rejected countless others for you. 3years i've been faithful. 3 years. I guess it has to end somehow. Not the way i wanted it to end, but its for the best. I'll never forget someone like you. The good times and the bad. Memories i'll treasure and learn from. Painful memories and the beautiful ones. Those that revolve around you. I tried, i really did. I guess that it wasn't meant to work out between us. Well, i'll just keep walking. Maybe i'll see you again soon. Maybe on the street, like total starngers we pass each other, just another face in the crowd. 3 years. 3 long years i've held the candle. Its time i put it out. Goodbye.

Back to work

Started back at work on tuesday and had to leave for outfield training almost immediately. 3 days spent out in the field smearing green stuff on my face and taking my piss in the bushes. How fun is that? Oddly enough, i felt kinda good about it. Other than for the lack of sleep (5 hours over 2 nights), green shit on my face, the lack of basic sanitation and a screwed up training reigme, it was actually fun. Call me crazy or what, but i find that these periods spent out in the field have a rather therapeutic effect. Its during these times, out in the jungle with nothing but my rifle and my wits that i can make plans, dream dreams and set things in motion. Its these little things that keep me sane through my army life. Saying this, i think that i will miss these outfield sessions when i leave. Where else can you get the feeling of the wild in urban sprawling Singapore? In Lim Chu Kang, Simpang, Mandai of course.

Either way, i'm still looking forward to my ORD date. I just want to be a civilian and enjoy life.

Back in the office, work just keeps piling up. NDP, formation anniversery, another course to plan for etc. Well, i can say that i just have to survive till the end of August and i'll be all good. Then i can enjoy 2 months of slack before i leave the army. That would be a good thing. April, May, June, July and August. 5 more months. Judging by how time flies, it will be a quick 5 months by my estimates.

I think i'm out of the phase. This time hopefully for good. WoW is going fine, but i think i need a break from it soon or i may just lose my mind to the game. Its not a bad thing but i really think i should be getting out more. Catching a movie or just hanging out for a meal with friends. Its been ages since i last went out for a proper outing with friends and i seriously miss it. When my subscription ends in May, i think i'll take a break from the game and do some leg work for once. Get some Sun, good food and good company instead of having just the computer for the whole weekend.

Another thing, i'm seriously out of shape these days. When i could run almost non-stop before, now i can barely run at all. When i used to be able to pull like a mad man, now i can't. And my six-pack? Don't even go there. I haven't done any proper exercise in 4 months now i'm becoming a weak piece of shit. I can't stand it any more. From next week onwards, the old exercises, Exercise Six Pack, Exercise Flying Wings and Exercise Run-Till-You-Drop begin in earnest. I'm not going to cheat myself anymore and i'm willing to take the pain to attain my goals. In the immortal words of Mr Issac Lim, the great PE teacher of CJC, "Do not stop, its poisonous! Integrity and Mental Discipline! 26 up, 26 down!" Haha. Those were the days.

Well, i cannot lie. I still think of her almost everyday. Its hard to kill a feeling as strong as that, but if i have to, i will. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore so i'm just going to do my best, even if it is at the expense of my emotions and feelings. Especially her, i do not ever want to make her feel hurt again, nor do i want her to feel guilty for making things turn out this way. If there is anyone to blame, it is me, for being weak and for being well, a loser.

Well, i'm ok. Things are looking up and generally, nothing much can really go wrong right now. I've made a committment to myself that i will start exercising and that i'll start putting in some study time to prep myself for Uni. Also i need to start saving more cash for my driving and trip at the end of the year. Difficult, to be sure, but i think i'll make it. If i get a Gold award for my IPPT this year, there will be a treat waiting at the end of it. Haha.

Till then, off to work, sai gang and a whole lot of other crap!

A century of posts

For my 100th post, i'm going to write this...

HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR A PERSON TO RECEIVE A FUCKING REJECTION LETTER FROM A UNIVERSITY THAT IS GOING TO REGRET REJECTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Answer?

God knows. I've been waiting for 6 weeks already and still nothing. I wasted 15 bucks on the application and the postage on the bloody supporting documents. Fucking waste of my time and money.

Anyways, to all the faithful followers of this blog, i most prob don't know you, but thanks for reading and laughing at my pathetic life. It was fun knowing that no one really cares. Haha.

I'm back, i think

Its been what, 2 weeks since i last posted and let's say quite a few things have changed since then. Ok, who am i trying to kid here, nothing has changed. Well, one things for sure, my blog is becoming a battlefield. So Ben and Ching, stop arguing on the tag board for god's sake!!

Finally, my course has ended and its back to camp from me starting this week. Well, it was a good 5 week break away from the crap i usually receive in camp so i'm kinda happy. I learnt something new, but i think that it really doesn't have any implication to me in the long run unless i sign my life a way to the army. Speaking of which, i have only 7 more months to go before i'm finally free of it (except for the call ups and stuff like that). Taking into account whatever public holidays, off and leaves i have outstanding, and the new term i learnt, 'magic off', i have about 4 and a half months of shit left to go. Which is good in a sense. I really really can't wait to get my life back. And i need it back fast.

On to other things, once in awhile i still feel like shit and i don't know why. I've tried to stop thinking of her, but i still do. Can't stop and i don't know why. Even though she's said that it just isn't possible, i still cling on to shreds of hope. I read somewhere that hope is what drives us human beings to do extraordinary things. As i go on with my life, i can't help but think that the guy was a bloody liar, and a good one at that because so many people believed in him. What can i say. Either way, things seem to be on a upward climb. Despite the situation descirbed above, things have more or less settled down. I just need to stop playing WoW, take out the dusty old phonebook and start making a few calls to those people i used to hang out with. Sec sch mates, College mates and maybe a few others who i haven't been talking to for a bit. Maybe things will start getting better. Just maybe. Either way i'm not letting my guard down anymore. I will not let myself be caught with my pants around my ankle especially by people whom i really care for. Don't worry, i'm not angry and its not her fault. Its just me.

I've got driving theory test tommorrow so i better go prepare for it. If not, i'm screwed and i wouldn't want that to happen. I want to drive. And i want to get a car too.