The emo and down phase is starting to come to an end right now. I don't believe the emotional roller coasteri've been put through these few days. Crazy really. For those people who tried standing by me during this rough time, thanks alot. Somehow i felt that i wouldn't have made it without you guys. For those people who mocked me, who put me down and who laughed at me while i was down, let's just say i won't be talking to you guys for a bit. Maybe never again. You know who you are so don't feign ignorance and stuff like that.
Anyway, over the week, i've realised how weak a person i am. I keep on saying that i'll give it up, but in the end, i just get back to hurting her and hurting myself. Not that i like being hurt or what, its just things that can't really be put down in words. Yup. On top of that, i think i made her angry enough that she refuses to talk to me again. So yup. I've started this mess and i guess its about time i cleared things up once and for all. Problem is, i don't know how to go about doing it so i'm pretty much screwed.
Well, i guess that its back into my shell for me. When i first stepped into JC, i felt that maybe i would try to be different from what i was back in Sec school. But it seems that the model which i followed back then was the ideal for me. The cold, unrelenting and unfeeling bastard. As much as i hated myself then, i hate the state that i'm in now even more. I shouldn't have given my heart away in the first place. All the stupid things i have done are enough to condemn me for life with the girls. So i say it here, once and for all. I will never ever give my heart away to unrequited love again. I've been played the fool once, and i'll not fall for the same trick twice (though i must have fallen to it countless times).
Its time i removed my veil and put my armour back on. I need to regain my mystery and my sanity. This is the end of the emotional Ivan. From now on, what you get is what you see.
I think that maybe something is really wrong right now. Last night, for the first time in my life, i had to drink myself to sleep. I mean like there will always be a first time for everything, but this time, it was a real first. I found a new bottle of vodka in my bro's room last night and seeing that he's not coming back until june, i opened it. What happened after that was kind of a haze. What i do know is that i woke up this morning with a really bad headache and 2/3 a bottle of vodka left. No wonder my parents refused to talk to me today. Ever since yesterday, i have been living in a haze. I don't even remember what i did yesterday anymore. Its crazy, but i think somehow i'm starting to lose my grip on my sanity. Sheesh. Its amazing how 1 thing can cause so much of a problem, not only for me, but for those people involved. Well, i'm not blaming anyone, but myself. Its not her fault and i don't want her to feel bad about it. And if she does feel bad, then i'm really sorry. Its just that i need time to figure it out for myself. I've taken a lot of time to do this but i guess that maybe i ahven't been going in the right direction. Most of the things i do become counter-productive and in the long run, i feel evn more hurt than i was before. It always does, but this time it feels exceptionally bad and i don't know whether i can do this alone. It seems that even playing WoW does not help this time. Plus with all the added stress i'm being put through, it will be a really tough uphill battle, which somehow i don't think i will win. I may just end up a social and emotional vegetable at the end of it, something that i do not want to become.
Ah well, it seems i walk this journey alone. I doubt anyone out there will want to get caught up in my emotional whirlpools and my crazy mood swings. As much as i hate to say it, i don't have any friends in this battle. I don't have any support in this fight. No one is watching my back and no one will be there to cover my ass. I'm out there with no weapons but myself, my biady and my soul. I don't know whether i'll survive but i will try, somehow.
I walk the paths of my life alone. I may find the answers, or i may find out really how screwed up i am as a person. Well, i'm off to my corner to cry. Shit. Am i even a man anymore?
I received a message yesterday morning and it came when i was least expecting it. She told me to cheer up and not think to much. Then she said something which up till now i can't really decipher. Maybe things are not what they seem. Anyway, i was kinda busy so i didn't really do a follow up. I spent the whole night thinking about what this could mean. Anyway, so once i was done with work, i decided maybe i would send her a message and see what i can get out of the previous message. No reply, but i guess she had her reasons. Talked to her this morning to settle some issues. I still like her but she doesn't see it in that way. I'm thinking, why do i waste my time, but i guess that maybe there is something which i still have yet to discover about myself. Its not anything, its just so difficult to explain. Ths Internet and messages are really not enough anymore. I need to see her face, hear her voice and her laughter and just plain be with her, whether as a group or along, it doesn't matter anymore. Still, i hold on to the impossible dream, a shred of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day i could just be with her.
Who am i trying to kid? I just don't want to feel this hurt anymore, please.
Well, i'm coming to the middle fo alot of things now. Some are better left unsaid while others are not worth saying because no one really cares about what i think anyway. I'm just there for you to laugh at and be made a fool of. And if that makes you people happy, then by all means go ahead and laugh. I couldn't care less anyway, mainly because you've been transferred from the friends list to the ignore list for the time being. I don't need all your bloody distractions.
A part of me is screaming out to call you. Another part of me is shouting to just not give a damn. Currently, the former is winning, but the latter is starting to take control. I don't know what tgo say, i just need to hear your voice.
1 week into my course and my brain is almost fried. As of today, i can't really remmeber what i learnt on Friday, and that sucks. Back in school, i could still more or less remember what was taught previously, even if the lessons were really boring (think Mr Goh and his hand-swinging and finger thingy). Yeah. But now, i cvan barely remember what the hell Int is all about. Let's see, terrain and drainage, relief, vegetation, LZs, LSs and LBs, bridges and GTIs. What the hell are GTIs anyway?? Screw it. Might as well just out-of-course me so i can get some rest. And i've got a test to do tommorrow. I'm so screwed. Haha. Just hope this un-studiable (is there even such a word?) period does not last for long. Uni seems a lot nearer now that i'm 8 months away from ORD and about another odd year to starting school again. Whew. Come to think of it, time has passed really fast this year. Its already March and it seem that January was only yesterday. Wearing green does have its good points. At least time passes so fast that you don't even notice that it has gone by. Bloody waste of time. Just so you know/This feeling's taking control of me/And i can't help it/Won't sit around;can't let him win now/Thought you should know/I've tried my best to let go of you/But i don't want to/I just got to say it all before i go/Just so you know/ Well that kind of sums up how it feels right now. I don't know how to explain it. Its like, yeah, i acknowledge that she has her own life and that she's busy and stuff like that, but i keep getting either the wrong impressions of things or just plain don't get any impression at all. And its not something new when i say that i'm letting go of the issue, but somehow, things just come around full circle and i'm back where i started. The past few days have been rather hard as i tried looking for a sign. To ease the pain or to clear the doubt. The signs i get from her are mixed. I would really like to know what goes on in her mind. And whoever said that women have very complex minds, that person is a bloody genius and i salute him. If only i could read her intentions, then maybe i can make the right decisions, and ultimately, do what is right, not only for myself but for her as well. I can kind of figure the pain she is going through too and i'm really really sorry for it. Just give me some time to make things work out and it will be fine. So much for being Int trained when i can't even read the intentions of 1 person, let alone a whole army.
To make matters worse, i haven't been talking to the people who have always been there to help me. Well, i'm sorry, and if you read this and decide that maybe you want to forgive me, then drop me a msg or something like that and i'll make a full and proper apology.
Finally, sorry about the new blog thing, that i haven't been updating it. I'm too damn busy with the bloody course and haven't had time to read the papers. Besides, i've got the Burning Crusade to fight. Haha. GAME ON!!
The date, March 4th. Countdown to ORD, 8 months. Major obstacle down. Time to go back into lull for 4 months right? Wrong. As of tommorrow, i'll be going back to the place where i trained to be a specialist so long ago. I'm going back to Pasir Laba Camp. Its been what, almost a year since i first stepped into SISPEC. Well, i'm not really going back to SISPEC, but its still the same. Will be going back on course for about a month. I can't really say much about the course or they'll most probably revoke my CAT 2A security clearance. All i can say is that when i get back, i'll either be more intelligent, or i'll end up with a bad case of 'regulars-get-it-better-than-NSFs' again. I really hate that feeling, but most of the time, it just happens to be there. Other than for a few exceptions, i really hate regulars.
I finally bought The Burning Crusade, and i must say, that i wasn't very throughly impressed with the hassle i had to go through just to install the game onto my computer. Ok, fine, my computer sucks rather big time (its an old Fujitsu lappie). But still, its no excuse that blizzard should sell faulty CDs to its paying customers. And on top of that, i had to spend the whole night installing the game off the internet. Imagine downloading 2.05 GB!! It was crazy! When i got up this morning, it wasn't even done. Anyway, when i finally got it done, it was kinda worth the wait, though it seems that it isn't as good as people make it up to be. No matter. WoW is still WoW. Back to my self-destructive habits again, where i spend day after day staring at the computer screen and beating the shit out of animated objects. That is how i predict the next few months of my life will be, unless i get a solid reason to start going out of the house. Till then, i'll be on my way to level 70, so meet me there.
Ok, if u you guys notice carefully, there is a new link that says 'Ivan's Insights'. Well, i figured that i should get down to doing some real-time analysis of issues happening in the news today. Figures, since i'm going to do social science in the Uni, i might as well start by commenting on what happens in the world. I can't do that on this blog because i don't want it to be cluttered up with my personal problems. Hope it does give me a clearer view as to what i want to do after the Army and maybe it will help me clear up my mind. So watch that space and hopefully, something good will come out of it.
So yeah. Its back to being a trainee for me. I really need some time off from all this running around in green. Its starting to drain my soul and i'm afraid that i may never be the same again. If i thought that my personal problems were going to drive me into the ground, i was so wrong. A combination of that, and the very feeling i get whenever i step into camp would be more that enough to see me shave my head, strip naked and climb up the tallest building i can find with my M16 and start sinping random people along the street.
