Countdown begins...

129 absolute days to go. That is 18 more weeks, 4 more months. Till i see my pink i/c. Being a guy and stuff, pink really isn't my colour, but come the 4th of Novemeber, pink is going to be the most beautiful colour in the world. If you don't know what i'm refering to, how long does it get to Mars and back? Anyway, i can't wait to ORD. The army is starting to drain me of every single bit of energy i can muster. Day in and day out, the daily drudgery of work is starting to wear me out. Well, its not very often that i wake up in the morning and the first words on my mind are, "Fuck, not again." I'm serious. Its really weird and i've been getting the feeling for quite awhile now. They say its premature "I want to ORD" mood, but i still have 4 more bloody months to serve. It usually rears its head in the last 2 months before that, but for me, its almost double the time. I'm looking for ways to skive at work, thinking of more and more reasons for me to take off days, just to get out of the office. Its a shitty feeling, really when it has to come to this. NS is supposed to be an experience for all young men, but to me, it just seems like a friggin chore. Speaking about chores, when it comes down for me to write a CV, i think i can add the following job experiences 1) Cleaning and digging drains 2) clearing rubbish down at Marina Bay 3) Washing vehicles 4) topping up vehicles with petrol 5) cleaning up other people's mess. That's just a few bits of shit that i have to take nowadays. I wonder if it was the right choice for me to choose an admin post after graduating. I would have done much better in ops.

Sigh, enough about army. I think i'm going to stop playing WoW very soon. After spending the day yesterday not touching the computer at all, i've finally come to realise how much of the rael world i've been missing. Its like, yeah, WoW has been one of the best games i've palyed in awhile, but it really isn't an excuse for me to totally neglect my social life. Sheesh, for crying out loud, when iw ent down to Vivocity to do a little shooping yesterday, i felt like i was back on Mars. Its totally unreal to not know your way around the shops, and the decision making process becomes all the more difficult when the biggest decision you last made was whether to upgrade to BC or not. Its really a crappy feeling. And when i got a can of whoop ass from my dad on the squash court, the humiliation was complete. So that's it. When my subscription ends in july, i'm going off the hook, more or less for good (hopefully). I'm stopping MMORPGs. They really kill the mind, in their own insidious ways.

Then again, i'm really looking forward to Uni, even though its still more than a year away. Its like the light at the end of the tunnel (maybe the girls would like to differ, they only see it as another stepping stone to becoming old fat and ugly). I'm pretty set that iw ouldn't want to screw up my Uni life, so i'm going to take things easy. Try to work hard for 3 years, do the honours year, get a good honours then out to the working world where hopefully i achieve some bloody success for once. While studying, some rugby would be nice. I realised that though you may stop playing, you never really get it out of your life. Rugby IS for life, and rugby IS a family. It just seems so much easier on the pitch, man-on-man. A battle of wits and a little savagery, but at the end of the day, opponents drink to each others success and no grudges are borne. If only life was that simple, wouldn't it be great.

Well, i've come out stronger. I'm not so easily phased by problems of the heart anymore, cause maybe i've lost my capacity to care for someone other than for myself. Its turned rock hard and i've set my mind and body against it. Yeah. Somehow it feels good to put on the armour again to face what the world can throw at you. I've made mistakes before, i learn from them and i hopefully don't make them again.

Its been awhile

Well, its been what, 3 weeks since i last posted. I guess that i've been neglecting things for awhile. Things have been going ok, other than for the random outbursts of madness and emo-ness, things seem to be looking on the upswing. Forget about the Army, NDP and all the other monkey crap, on a whole, i actually feel rather good, for the first time in a long time. When i peel away the layers of shit which have covered me since god knows when, and examining it meticulously, i try to realise what i've done wrong, and how i'm not going to do it again. The main issue must have been my pathetic attempts at trying to get something which was never there in the first place. I realised that i built up my life around what i wanted it to be and not what is actually is. And when things don't turn out the way i want them to, i end up becoming all moody and dark and stuff. That is when things start to get ugly, for not only me but for the people around me. For putting up with the shit i dish out, thanks for being there (well, some of you guys are still out there taking my shit, but others, well, the less said the better).

In a previous post, i mentioned 'cold, cruel and efficient'. I think i'm starting to become that cold emotionless person i once was. Turning back into the monster of the past. I've stopped believing in dreams. Somehow, dreams just don't cut it anymore. I'm turning 20 in a few months time and its time i let go of those childish dreams. I figured over the past weeks that dreams don't come true, dreams only happen well, in dreams and no where else. Yes, you may argue that dreams are what drives a person to succeed, that dreams make humans what we are. Fools i tell you. We are all just fools to believe in dreams. Dreams happen when we sleep. In dreams we can fly, we always get the girl we want, we can do virtually anything, until they become nightmares. Nightmares are when these dreams come crashing to the ground, like the one i've been living in for the past 3 and a half years. I think that time is enough. I've stopped believing in dreams. The only thing that drives me now is my desire to show others how wrong they were to put me down adn how wrong they were to ignore me. It's kinda like revenge, only its not that sinister. The day i take my cert out of the Uni, with a big first class honours, getting a good job in a nice company, become successful in my everyday life, then i'll take it up to my detractors, smack it in their faces and just laugh. To those people who snubbed me, let's just say you not be expecting any favours from me then. Don't worry, i can forgive people, but i never forget.

What am i saying? I have no idea, its just how i feel. Anyway, moving on..

There comes a time when you know you've got to let go. Its time i let go of all the excess baggage in my life. I've let go most of it already, but there still are the little niggliy things at the back of my mind which pop out ever so often and kick me in the ass. Ah what can i say, life is screwed. But what would life be if not for all the little fuck-ups? would it even be called a life at all? Most probably not.

Too slow

5 more months. Just 5 more months and i'll be free from the army. Free from my shackles and free to lead my life the way i want it to be. Well, there is always light at the end of a tunnel right? But this time the light seems just that much further away then normal... Sigh. After spending 17 months in the Army, you would have thought that i would get use to all the shit in it. Wrong. You never get over all the shit you've been through in the Army, cos it never stops coming. Somehow, things get more difficult as you go along. As you start having to play politics, as you start having to backstab people to ensure you're own survival. As much as i hate doing it, it has to be done. Self-preservation is the name of the game here. Anyways, whatever the case, i'll not be extending my service in the Army. Totally no chance of that ever happening, even though the pay may seem rather attractive at this point in time. It really isn't worth all the shit i'll have to go through so no way.

NDP rehearsals are starting to kick into high gear. And i'm kinda worried for the next course cos many things are still not done yet. Indentments etc etc. All the crap. Worse thing is that due to NDP, i don't really have the time to do anything much. Let's see, as of now, i've found sort of a new lease of life. I'm going out more often, playing less computer (even though i've hit level 60), and trying to get on with life acepting things for what they are. These activities seem to be helping me get over the troubles of the past week yet i do not have the time to indulge in them. Instead all i get is beaten back down with all the shit loads of work people can throw at you. Like as though shit is free. Nothing is free in the world. Can't wait for NDP to end, then i can start getting my life back. With all my weekends starting to get burned, its going to be hard for me to get fully back on my feet. I'll be down for a bit longer than i like but what has to be must be done. Just got to survive the next 5 months. Too slow though, too slow.

Sigh. So this is what it means to be part of the 'greatest show on earth'. Greatest? Bollocks! More like the shittiest. I don't understand how some people can enjoy this sort of crap, year in year out. It feels like a tremendous waste of time, money and effort, for seemingly no tangible returns. Ah well, it just keeps getting better and better. After spending 3 nights building bridges down at Marina, its time for me to gte back to work on this stupid national event. It really is a waste of time, considering that i'm rehearsing for just 2 minutes of show time. and it takes 3 months for rehearsals? I think i may just lose it soon. Yeah. I need someone to break my leg so i can get 3 months MC. That will make me a really happy camper.