First, last. No regrets.

Just got back from a holiday over Christmas. Even though i went for it being rather unhappy about spending Christmas on a ship, it turned out rather well, with some surprises thrown into it. Did some real fun stuff there and some rather unpleasant things too, but you only live once right? No regrets! I'll write about what i did some other time. Right now, there are more important issues to address.

As other people on board slept, a lonesome figure (me) would be seen by those crew on night duty pacing up and down the top deck of the ship. Maybe its because i really love the sea or maybe its because there are too many things on my mind. Recently i've been finding it difficult to get any form of proper rest, mainly because i have had too many things on my mind to handle. Things just keep going through my mind. I know she told me not too look too much into things but i just can't help myself. Its my personality to want to look into things till the end and if the end is unfavourable, i will worry about it and do everything to get it to be alright. Anyway, so as i was standing on the deck looking at the inky blackness of the sea, thoughts just kept rolling into my head. Then i realised what i was meant to have done a long time ago. Bringing me back to the days when things were so much simpler.

About 4 years ago, at around this time of the year, i had made a vow to myself. That was one vow which i could never keep. The temptations present in a Co-ed Junior College were too much for me to handle. After spending 10 years in a 'chaste' all-boys environment, i could help myself but to fall. It took me by surprise. A simple smile was all it took to make me go crazy, especially from someone like her. Her voice, her laughter the way she did things left me dumbfounded and paralysed. 4 years of Secondary school life spent practising nearly 24/7 just to please some overbearing bastard's ego had left me thinking that women were really from another planet. I just didn't know how to react and everything caught me by surprise. The first time i saw her, i was literally blown away, even though i barely knew who she was.

Once the future seemed so bright before me. I was poised for greatness. And yet i let myself get messed up in the head over something which normally would have little or no effect on me. I stumbled at the last hurdle but i don't blame her for it. It really is not her fault. If there is anyone to blame, it will have to be me and no one else. I made myself into the monster i've become. Effectively, i've lost 4 years of my life and i didn't even know it. I've gone from hero to zero in a shorter period of time. Nowadays, i'm just a shell of who i used to be.

Anyway, you must be wondering why i came up with such a title. "Men and women are different when it comes to relationships. Men want their first to be their last, but women what their last to be like their first". I've lived on this earth for 20 years already and i have only love 1 other woman more than my mother. She was the first and on this day, the 29th of December 2007, i swear she will be my last. Truth is, after loving her all these years, it is hard for me to be with anyone else. Damn, ive said it. Actually, i really cannot see myself being with anyone other than her. There was once she told me that i'm sure to meet someone fantastic. Maybe i've already met someone fantastic, and that person is her. I doubt i'll meet anyone better than her and if i do, she'll always be the benchmark. And even that level is set pretty high. I doubt many girls could meet that standard.

Anyway, when all is said and done, maybe the best thing to do is to stay single. Nothing wrong with being single right? If things keep up the way they are right now, its the best option for me. No regrets, that will be my new motto. I wonder how i can sound so happy when i'm typing this but actually deep down inside i'm hurting. Hurting like i've never hurt before. It hurts me when i think about it, it hurts when i talk about it, and it hurts the most when i'm so close to saying those 3 magic words, only to refrain from saying them because i'm a wuss. Because i'm afraid that i would have to endure those words from her again. Because i'm afraid of destroying whatever i have now with her. Because i have no self-dignity left that i just can't pull it off.

Thinking about it, the last time we met, i just didn't know what to say or what to do. Watching her from the bus stop as she turned her back on me and walked into school, i felt that a part of me had just died again. A part of me wanted to run up to her and hug her yet the other part of me told me to walk away. No prizes for guess which part won. I regretted it almost immediately after that.

At the end of the day there is only 1 thing i can say. I like her, i really do. And even if it doesn't work out between us, i still will like her. Its not a crush anymore, its something else. I like her and i have no regrets liking her. She was the first, and hopefully will be the last too. I've made my decision, i have no regrets.

Well, everyone's allowed dreams right?

Its funny. The past week i have felt rather good, which is something very unusual to happen this time of the year. It just seems so dream like that i can't believe its even possible for me to feel this way. Just for this week, i was able to live in one of my dreams, doing the things i enjoy, being with the people i enjoy being with and just plain feeling good. It was one of those feel good weeks which comes by oh say once every year. This year's feel good week was long overdue by about 4 months but hey, its here and it felt good.

Too bad all good things come to an end. I just felt that it was too short. Its what you make out of it i guess. Either way, i'm hoping things look up next year. This year can be remembered (or forgotten for that matter) as one of the worst i have ever been through, and also one of the best. Like a double-bell shaped curve seen in biological stats, the highs are really high and the lows are really lows. Well, its over and i just have to keep looking forward and live a life without regrets.

Some how i just wished that i had said more the other day. Things just ended so abruptly that i still have this feeling that i'm missing out on something really important.

Begining to feel old..

I woke up this morning with a hacking cough and an aching back. Happy 20th Birthday Ivan. You're getting old and your body is starting to disintegrate each year that you progress. Ah what the hell. As i age, i'm starting to feel more like being a pain to others. Don't ask me why but it just feels that way. Maybe i'm weird. Who knows?

Thanks to all the people who sent me birthday wishes which, not counting family, came up to a grand total of 7 people. That is really how sad this birthday has been. Its not a special day, its just a day where you're supposed to be happy, feeling good about yourself, laughing and enjoying yourself be it with friends or family. Go figure how my 20th felt. Dry, boring and a real pain in the ass. Sometimes i wonder why i even care when most people don't.

So how did the day go was the question Ching asked. I had lunch with 2 aunts who really are old bags (but the do give pretty large ang paos so i allowed myself to be tortured for over 2 hours). Then i came home, took a nap then went for dinner with my parents which would have been totally fine if my sister wasn't doing her horse-face routine the entire night as she tried buying clothes for our coming trip (to nowhere really, its just some fancy dandy cruise where we are expected to wear suits to dinner). Then it was back home to write this account on how pathetic birthday celebrations have become to my family (and me for that matter).

Being 20 means alot of things. Firstly, i lose the -teen suffix to my age which also means that i can't afford to act like a kid or a teen any more. No more teenage angst and whining. Can't afford to show weakness to people. Having to be more mature in thought and deed. Things like that. And just for laughs, December 16th is the Independence Day of Kazakhstan. Very nice, great success!

Anyway, so that's how my 20th came and went. Sheesh! I'll be 21 next year and its supposed to be something special. Hope it doesn't turn out like this because the feeling really sucks. You should try it too, then you'll know how it really feels.

The month after...

This post has been a long time coming. Ok, maybe 9 days ain't that long a period of time. Anyways, a late post is better than not having posted. Its been a month since i've become civilian once again. Thinking back, i really haven't done much during this period of time. Mostly, i've spent it either in front of the computer or the television. Not a very healthy way to burn the time till i get into Uni, but hey, beats wasting money with pointless activities and stuff. Other than for the infrequent forays into town, my life now is really quite boring. My life is punctuated by the injuries i've received from pushing myself too hard exercising. Every morning i wake up with pains all over. Maybe its a good thing. Pain makes me feel alive. It reminds me that i am only human. It keeps me firmly rooted in reality and prevents me from childish delusions of being different. As far as i'm concerned, i'm no different from the random guy on the street.

I guess that maybe the highlight of this month of vegetation must be the day i spent in Sentosa with Ching. Yeah it may sound kinda gay but hey, when you're on short notice, anything goes. It had been ages since i last visited the island even though its just across a tiny strip of water from where i live. And my, has the place changed. It looks so different now that they are building the IR there. Where once was the ferry terminal, the cycling tracks and fantasy island is now a massive construction site. Anyway we visited Underwater World, Fort Siloso and the Dolphin Lagoon. Its was quite fun considering that it was just 2 guys. Underwater World was nice. It has really changed from the last time i went there. The exhibits were good and just going through the tunnel brought back memories from the past. Fort Siloso was fun too. At least it fed my appetite for all things old and of big guns. Then it was off to the Dolphin Lagoon. Initially i was kinda sceptical, mainly because i've never really seen the allure of frolicking around in the water with animals armed with a few hundred razor sharp things. But just standing there watching the dolphins do their thing really amused me and it felt kinda good.

Now that the month is over, i still have another 5 months to go before i get to start school. I'm bored and going crazy mostly but it beats being in the Army so i'm not complaining. I just have to find some stuff to do to keep me occupied. Driving practical starts in the beginning of next year and hopefully i'll get my licence by the time i start school. Screw the triangle plate while driving to school, i don't really care. What matters most is that i finally have some freedom to move around on my own not having to worry about late night taxi fares and whether i'm going to miss the last bus. Next i've got to start working. Come this friday, i may get a job at a brokerage firm, but i'm not sure if i want it. On top of that my Dad is enlisting me to work in his clinic 4 times a week. Negotiations about the pay are currently ongoing. Haha.

5 more months to go. Am i going to survive without going crazy? Hopefully i will.

Light in your eyes.

I'm back. After the events of last week, i think i've finally come round to some of the issues in my life. Thanks to those people who were there for me. I know it must be a pain because i slip into these moods ever so often and for no apparent reason. At least i know that there are people who actually care out there, some unexpected ones and some which really made me feel much better. Thanks. =)

Anyway, its the Christmas season again. Not that i really enjoy Christmas that much, but yeah, its here again. This season, i think i'll make a promise to myself, which i hope i can keep. This year, i'll try to enjoy Christmas. Usually its the time of the year that i get a whole load of news which i don't like to hear and it screws up my moods. Sheesh! I sound like a girl with moods and stuff. I'll try not to look into my head so much and just try to enjoy being around family. I don't know why i'm writing this. Hopefully this year Christmas would be different for me. Maybe, for a change i'll get some good news. Who knows? Just as she said, i've got to find myself again before i get others to find me. Maybe that's where i've been going wrong all this time. I don't really know who or what i am. The person i really am is not the person i make myself out to be. Its just that not many people know this and it takes a bit of digging to find it. And i've got to open up more too i guess.

Well, i hope things look up again. I've got to try. I can't afford to keep on falling into this cycle over and over again. Now that i have less things on my hands and more time to do the things i want to do, i had better start improving myself if i'm ever to reach my dreams. I've got to start exercising cos i'm getting fat. I've got to get my driving licence before Chinese New Year. And many other things. Its a little early to wish for things in the coming year, but there are things which i really really want.

Enough for now. My thoughts are still swirling around inside my head. Before i start writing the wrong things, its time to go.