Finally, something which makes some sense..

I promised i would write about my NS experience and i had better keep my word. After much thought i decided that i'll try to split it up into 3 parts which i consider key milestones or periods in my service tenure. From Trainee to Specialist and finally to Civilian. 3 parts of NS which i consider key. No officer stories here guys, which means its free from the propaganda of SAFTI and OCS and all those monkey-wank places where only the so called 'elite' of our Armed Forces go. This is down and dirty specialist work, which is where i spent most of my time anyway. Sigh. So here goes...

Trainee: In simple terms, these were the most tiring days of my life. Never have i been pushed to my limits so often over such a short period of time. It only took me 8 months to get from a dirty botak chao recruit on the smelly island they called Tekong to the day i proudly donned my chevrons on and promptly gave them up the next day because training at my wing was not officially over. I still vividly remember the day i stepped off the ferry affectionately known as 'The Penguin' and onto that god-forsaken island. Ok, its not really god-forsaken and i still have many good memories of the place. Tekong was the place which began to change me into the person i really am today. Once i was a cocky bastard with a devil-may-care attitude to life. Spending just 3 months there set about the change which i cherish till today. I don't really want to elaborate much about this. Basic discipline, Individual Fieldcraft, Marksmanship, Grenade Throwing, Close Combat Training and Field Camps. All these have to be experienced. Then i went to SISPEC. Another great unknown to me. It was another good experience for me. Met some great people, made some friends and some enemies, got really fit and learnt too many new things. New weapons, tactics and skills. New ways to inflict pain and kill. In SISPEC i learnt what type of person i am. I realised that i just wasn't officer material. I was too laid back and didn't really care much about anything at that time.  Oh well. That was SISPEC. Then came my Engineer training phase, which was the worse part of my trainee life. The less sadi about it the better. Just reading my older entries during the period is a reflection of the amount of suffering i felt. I really was glad to have finally finished being a trainee and becoming a full fledged specialist. Of course that was until i got posted to my Unit...

Specialist: Being a specialist really brought me to the realisation that everyone is not equal and that there will always be a disparity between classes in society. My deep seated hate for almost all officers and senior specialists stems from this. In the year i have spent in my company, the number of people of higher rank than me whom i can respect  number no more than 5. Its really sad to see yourself and your men doing work in which not only is recognition not given, but recognition taken away to be given to some bootlicker officer or some desperate Specialist who needs some recognition. Its really screwed up. It explains why after awhile i just gave up and refused to work. The only time i managed to escape from this was when i went on courses. Intelligence and Advanced course both lasted a month and those were the best times i had. Besides that, i really enjoyed the time spent with my Pioneers, even though they may have been royal pains in the ass most of the time. On my worst days, their antics just made me crack up and laugh. Sigh. I'm going to miss them alot. 

Civilian: Finally the end. It may seem that all the things the Army has taught me comes to naught when its put into the context of civilian life. So what can i take away from NS then? I think that the most important thing i've learnt is how to deal with people. Being in the environment that i work in, one has to manage emotions ranging from pure anger and disappointment to feelings of euphoria in a short space of time. I've learnt that violence doesn't solve everything and that sometimes a human touch is needed to bring out the best in people. I've learnt how to separate personal feelings from work, how to look at things objectively without coming to preconceived conclusions. These aside, the bonds of camaraderie which i have forged over my Army career will keep me going to the end, and i trust that i can and will do well in the future, thanks to what the Army has taught.

Damn it, i'm starting to ramble again. Even as i write this, i can feel an upwelling of emotions which just want to burst. But i am a man and i cannot allow myself to go that far. See, Army teachings at work. Haha. I served the nation and i will continue to serve it till i'm too old. Not that i have much of a choice, but i will do it with a smile either way. I didn't really enjoy my NS, but i will remember what i have learnt and carry it forward with me in the next chapter of my life.

Well, i lied..

In the previous post is said i would write my feelings about NS in 3 parts. Well, i lied. I'm too lazy to write 3 separate post, so i'm going to condense it all into 1 long post, which i will write up over the next week or so. Hah. Even though i have nothing to do these few days (i've been staying at home watching videos on youtube and watching DVDs), i still feel damn lazy, and i don't know why. I guess that sometimes, less is more. Speaking of which, i have another 14 days left. 10 weekdays and 4 weekends to go till i become civilian and i can shed the colour green for awhile (i'll never buy green shirts again). I hate green, even though it used to be one of my favourite colours. Go ahead and blame the Army.

Yup yup. 14 days and i just can't wait. I must say though, that the Army has been a rather enriching experience for me. I learnt things that i would never learn as a civilian, seen some of the most beautiful places on this tiny little island and met some of the most screwed up and fun people i would ever meet. NS has been an eye-opener for me, i won't deny the fact and for those people who have served, are serving and will be serving the nation, in more ways than one. To those who have served, thank you for setting the precedent, for setting the standards to be followed and the rules to be maintained (though some of them may have been dumb). I'll be joining you guys soon. To those serving, enjoy your service tenure. You'll miss it when you guys are done with it. Trust me. Despite all the shit i've been through wearing green, i'll still cherish those memories where i laughed, smiled and just trashed around with my friends. And finally, to the people who are about to serve. Take it like a man. Army ain't that bad, really. Just serve your time and get on with life. And try to enjoy it along the way. The experience is worth it.

Anyway, keeping to the topic of songs from the previous post, here's something from awhile back. Ok, not really that far back. Hitomi No Jyuunin by L'arc en ciel. I love the melody and the lead singer, Hyde has a fantastic voice (pronounce his name properly, its not Hyde as in "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" rather He-De. You get the idea). Anyway, here's the video. Its a bit funny in the sens ethat the whole thing moves backwards and there is no plot what-so-ever. Haha. Anyway, enjoy it. I know i did.

Yup. Hope you liked it. 

i've always lived my life alone/destiny forgotten/but in a sudden light/i awaken in the middle of the night.

Hikari - Light

My new favourite song. I love the energy that Utada Hikaru exudes when she sings this song. It makes me want to jump up and start dancing and waving my hands in the air like a mad man. Hah. And the meaning behind the lyrics is really deep too. Love it. 

Time is running out

What more is there for me to say these days? Its finally ending and i'm starting to feel it. 21 more days. That's like 3 weeks, 15 working days. And with 14 days of off and about another 4 days of leave left to clear before the 4th, hehe, i don't really have to go back to work anymore. Too bad for FFI, clearance and the bloody range tommorrow. Ah well. At least its ending, that's all that really matters to me now. After that its hibernation time. For 2 months, total inactivity except maybe for the infrequent squash games, nights out or some other activity. Should be fun. Then when the new year begins its time to do a bit of work till i start Uni, hopefully in May. I got a 'lobang' through some of the NSmen i did the course with. Heh. Speaking of which, i was almost best trainee again. Seems like i'm not fated to do exceptionally well in the Army either. Oh well.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Other than for the ORD date, things seem to be coming to another standstill. Once again, i'm being faced by old enemies and old problems. Things i though i had let go of a long time ago are now back again and this time it seems to be back stronger than before. Don't get me wrong, its not that i do not cherish the memories, the company or just the conversations (even though they may seem awkard at times). I actually do enjoy the challenges that face. Its just the after effects of failure that i dread. The feeling of having something almost in your grasp and losing it at the last moment really really really sucks. Come to think of it, i'm kinda used to that feeling. Over the past 4 years of my life since i stepped into college, out of it and into the Army the sinking feeling has come at least 6 times if not more. I don't exactly like it, but yeah. It comes and goes. 

Looking at myself in the mirror now, i can't imagine how i turned out this way. A cold and bitter person who sees the dark side of everything. There really is not joy in my life anymore. I have old friends who haven't seen me in ages coming up to me saying that my eyes are just dead and cold. The fire that was once there is no more and it scares them. It scare me to to see what i've become. I feel that i'm chasing my friends away and it hurts to know that these friendships once matter alot to me as a person. 

Anyway. So as i come to a close in a stage of my life, the end of National Service, over the next 3 weeks, i'll be giving my take on my experiences through the Army. The good and the bad, from a totally neutral (yeah right) viewpoint. My life as a Recruit, Private Soldier and finally as a Specialist (for all those wannabe officers, go read something else). Hopefully i can give an objective view on National Service as a whole for those fools waiting to enlist to have a rough feel on what it really is like and for those who have already served to reminiscent on their past memories. Yeah. Big undertaking here so i'll do my best.

I just thought about it. How's she doing now. Haven't seen her for ages. I think its time i plucked up some courage and asked her out or something.

Just when i thought it would be safe...

Here goes, another update. 4 weeks to ORD. Can't bloody hell wait for it to come. 28 days seems like a long way to go. 28 days later.. haha. Hopefully i don't turn into a zombie by then. Still have 3 more days of trainee life, range, ippt and clearance to go before that big day when i become a civilian once again, when i can step out of camp and say,"Hey i've done my part of the nation, now its your turn." Seeing the kind of lives the NSmen live make me really envious of them. But anyway, till that day i still have to behave myself lest i get charged just before i ORD. Wouldn't want anything like that to happen. I'll be a good soldier form now on. I promise.

Sigh. I've been wondering. What changes a person? Had this MSN converstaion with a friend today. And frankly, i felt quite pissed about it. Does answering a simple question and a little probing with some humor rolled into it warrant a kick in the balls? I think not, but obviously this friend thinks otherwise. Sheesh. To think we talked about brotherhood and all that crap and when i try to be helpful i get this? If not for CCC right now i would have shouted the guy down. And he thinks he's all that. Whatever man. Go and lead your life and earn your millions. All i can say is that you'll never be happy with an attitude like that.

Anyway, moving on. Euro trip doesn't seem to be happening anymore. All the hype for nothing. Now where does that leave me? My parents think its ok for me to skip the trip with my uncle at the end of november cos i'm going back again next year. How to tell them its off? Even they seem excited about the prospect of me going over, which rarely happens, because they're never really excited over anything i do. I'm pissed off. I thought i learnt to control it, but these days my temper just keeps getting worse. I even blew up at my instructor the other day when he tried to put me down over some of the work i was doing. The bloody old man. Moving on. I'm disappointed with the things going on right now. I guess its off now. No point brooding over it. Maybe i just have to look for other peeps to travel down south. That would be fun.

Just the other day, i received a random message asking me if i was working. Unfortunately, i was or i would have jumped on the opportunity that it presented. Sigh. i let my defenses down for that instant and all the memories just came flooding back. I almost fell back to the time when it was at its worse, when i knew it couldn't work out. This time it felt a little different, but i've become too cautious. I caught myself at the last moment or i would have just fallen back to obvlivion. I realised that old feelings die hard and love dies even harder. I'm not cut out for this i guess. My lifes a mess right now and i don't really want to talk about it.