The 150
This is the 150th post on the blog. Yeah woot, bells and whistles. Haha very funny. Here's a stick so use it and beat the living shit out of me because i can't take living like this anymore. Seriously, here's a stick. Beat me up with it. I'm tired of beating myself so i'm letting you take over. Go ahead, it won't hurt me. I've been in so much shit that it a few more bruises and broken bones won't make that much of a difference.
So you want to know how i've been. I'm fine. That's unless you want to know the truth. Truth is, i'm feeling really crap. I don't know why. Maybe its because i've got nothing to do anymore. I'm tired. I really am, but i can't get enough rest. Too many things are going through my head for me to get any proper rest. I feel like i'm going crazy. Not that i haven't felt ike this before, but this time it feels so much worse. And then again, i have no one to really talk to about my problems. Yeah sure i still do talk to the guys, and talk about killing, death and guy things really isn't that bad. But there is a limit, especially when no one cares to listen to what i really want to talk about.
Then again, i think i may have put myself into this rut. There was a time not too many months ago when i felt happy and sane. When i had someone who i could talk too, even if it was very one sided. Someone who cared enough to bother that i was alive. Then i had to wreck it all by self-destructing again. And now that i really need a pick up, she's nowhere to be found. Not really. She's always there online, but i just don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to even begin a conversation. Have i degenerated that much in just a few months? Have my social skills become non-existent? I think they have.
I really want to talk to her. I want her to read this post. I know i'm pathetic. I'm a shadow now. I'm not a person and i don't deserve to be one if i can't eve get a hold of myself. The path i'm walking can only lead to self-destruction and i don't know how to turn back. Only a miracle can save me. Maybe only she can.
I'm disappointed with myself. Am i that weak-willed?
So you want to know how i've been. I'm fine. That's unless you want to know the truth. Truth is, i'm feeling really crap. I don't know why. Maybe its because i've got nothing to do anymore. I'm tired. I really am, but i can't get enough rest. Too many things are going through my head for me to get any proper rest. I feel like i'm going crazy. Not that i haven't felt ike this before, but this time it feels so much worse. And then again, i have no one to really talk to about my problems. Yeah sure i still do talk to the guys, and talk about killing, death and guy things really isn't that bad. But there is a limit, especially when no one cares to listen to what i really want to talk about.
Then again, i think i may have put myself into this rut. There was a time not too many months ago when i felt happy and sane. When i had someone who i could talk too, even if it was very one sided. Someone who cared enough to bother that i was alive. Then i had to wreck it all by self-destructing again. And now that i really need a pick up, she's nowhere to be found. Not really. She's always there online, but i just don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to even begin a conversation. Have i degenerated that much in just a few months? Have my social skills become non-existent? I think they have.
I really want to talk to her. I want her to read this post. I know i'm pathetic. I'm a shadow now. I'm not a person and i don't deserve to be one if i can't eve get a hold of myself. The path i'm walking can only lead to self-destruction and i don't know how to turn back. Only a miracle can save me. Maybe only she can.
I'm disappointed with myself. Am i that weak-willed?
posted by ivan at
4/04/2008 10:49:00 am
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