The Idle Times

This is going to be... LEGENDARY!

2009-04-11T19:45:00.002+08:00

Its been way too long since i last blogged. Way way way way way too long. So much has happened since the last post. Anyway, before i dig a hole in the ground and start studying for the exams, i think a little update is in order.

Actually, there is nothing much to update really. Think about it. In the last 7 weeks, i have done almost nothing of note, save perhaps churn out essays at an almost demonic speed. Ok, maybe not the best way to describe it but it beats 'legendary' right? Moving on, other than that and having absolutely no life whatsoever, yup, that's pretty much it.

In 3 weeks, my first year as an undergrad will be over. I'll no longer be a freshie but a sophomore! Yeah! Whatever. As far as i'm concerned, its just the beginning of another long drawn grind with me fighting against idiots like Socrates and his philosophical cronies (including Mill, Descartes and Hobbes no less), struggling to get weird concepts around my head regarding what 'democracy' really means (in the course of this semester, i've come across no less than 5 different definitions) and finally its me against Microsoft Word or Apple Pages as i try and try to find the ultimate A+ essay (which won't be coming anytime soon).

At least school isn't that boring these days. Some professors are really really cool. Like this italian one who smokes before classes, offers us nicotine gum during, and whose favourite phrase is either "I don't really care" or "bull.. ermm.. business." He's cool. And the not so cool? The Canadian who sounds like she is choking or has just run the marathon (but judging by her size i would say the former). In between we've got the hyper New Zealander and the sadistic German (he must be from east Germany right?), who is not from East Germany (damn!) but close enough (the other side of the Berlin Wall). Oh and he looks like Harry Potter and he's into this Zen meditation bull.. ermm.. business. And then there are the MacDo trips with Tappy and Khai and all the other rubbish like Mountain Dew being the 'drink of the gods from Mount Olympus' (i swear we were having a tough day in the KALLIPOLIS). Really crazy days in school which i won't be forgetting anytime soon.

As fun as it may all sound, its kind of getting on my nerves. Seeing the same people everyday may be fun (undoubtedly) but it gets really tired quickly. I need some new friends (not that i haven't made any) but shit.. you know what i mean. Oh yah. And i need a girlfriend too. Too much chest bumping with the guys is making me too much of a bro. Any further and i may just end up crazy like Barney in 'How I Met Your Mother'. Damn that's scary.. but on second thought, maybe not so bad. AWESOME!

By the way, if you know any girls, at least 1.75m tall WITHOUT HEELS (the taller the better), be a bro and tell me! HAHA!

RECESS!!!

2009-02-22T11:34:00.002+08:00

Finally, its recess week. After 6 weeks of torture in school, its finally time for me to kick back and relax for a bit right? Wrong! 2 essays due right after the break and i have no idea how to even begin. On top of that, my writing seems to have leveled out. I can't seem to write anything better than a B+ and its a pain to know that if i continue at this rate, i'll probably be mucking out toilets after i graduate.

Recess is meant to be a time where i can just chill out and not do anything. Seriously. I need sleep and i need sleep. Haha. Oh well. This sucks but can't do anything about it except just do whatever i have to do. Sigh. There goes my university life, spent just mugging and writing, rinse and repeat.

Another 7 weeks of school, exams and i've survived my first year as an undergraduate. At least 2 more 2 go then. Speaking of which, i need to plan my schedule for the holidays. I applied for an internship with the MFA, then i've got reservist to do, which really sucks. Also considering summer school in LSE and at the same time attend my brother's graduation. Hopefully all i've planned would fall nicely in place. London is calling me back and i really want to go back too. Is there a hidden opportunity for me? I wonder. Maybe, just maybe.

The only reason i'm still single..

What's new, Ivan?

2009-01-18T23:26:00.002+08:00

What's new? Actually nothing much. Other than for the new year, things are pretty much the same. Yeah i know i've been really lazy the past few weeks (or months, i'm not one to take note really), not blogging and stuff. So, to to my defence, i'm going to say and whine that the exams were a pain in the ass, i've been out of the country most of the time and i've started playing WoW (uh-oh) again.

First things first, the exams. Even after taking them for the past don't-know-how-many-years worth of them, i still find them a pain. Worse still in Uni, seeing those assholes mugging gives me the creeps. Worse is i think that it is rubbing off on me. I haven't studied properly in oh 5 years? and all of a sudden i find myself staying late in the library poring over books barely understand. Ah, how life has changed over 4 months of school. Even then i still try and maintain a cool, laid-back image which may or may not suit me. Behind the facade, i'm just another mugger toad, the very species i've grown to detest so much. Anyway, i'm not really complaining i guess. I did better than i expected so i guess the studying is paying off.

Out of the country? Yeah. Spent a rather enjoyable trip to Genting with the fencing team and a week in Japan with the parents. No pics because i don't own a camera (hint hint, you know what i need for my next birthday =) ) so that's too bad. I really liked Japan. The food was excellent, people friendly and the weather awesome. Not to mention the sites which were impressive and educational at the same time. Fair enough i took a module in Japanese studies in my first sem. At least it helped me appreciate the culture and history of the country better. Would love to go there again. I just need the money. Anybody care to sponsor me? Haha.

Let's not talk about WoW. Its bad enough that i'm playing it again and wasting my life at the same time. For that i think i deserve some pity? Haha.

So yeah. What's new Ivan? Its a new year and a new semester in school. I'm already over my head with readings and its only the first week of school. 3 stupid books by long dead greek fags who think they understand the whole world. Stupid Plato and Socrates and Aristotle. Ancient Western Political Thought. Lol. 8 chapters by next week? Like i have no idea that most of what people think of as European history is all a sham. And guess what? The module has nothing to do with European history per se. European Politics. Lol. It seems that only International Relations and Comparative Politics are the only ones with sane reading lists. Well, its my fault for wanting to be a Political Science major. It was the only reasonable choice anyway, so i can't and won't complain anymore.

Anyway, Happy New Year to whoever reads this. I know its kinda late, but better late than never right?

The drunk

2008-11-01T23:25:00.002+08:00

Either i'm going crazy,or i'm going crazy. I've been drinking copious amounts of beer over the past few weeks, Sheesh. I'm really going crazy. Haha. See the cazy laugh? Haha.

Anyway, school's about to end. Things have been going rather well i think. Averaging Bs, but i'm sure i can do much better. But Bs? Argh. At the rate i'm going i'm going to have to live like a hermit to get first class honors. Sigh. There goes my life. And with the beer going in, its going to be tough staying sane to keep studying. Heard of academic suicide? I think i've committed it for doing Japanese as a language. I have the faintest idea about what is happening in class and the best i can do in class is muster up a kooky smile everytime my tutor asks me a question. And i can't exercise the Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory option because i'm in the Arts fac. There, a perfect example of academic suicide. So screwed.

Speaking of screwed, i have 2 weeks to my IPPT and i'm in such a pathetic physical state even after fencing for the past 3 over months. It will be a miracle if i actually pass. Looks like its RT for me. I heard that being in Uni allows me to skip RT but i'll need conirmation about that. Hopefully i'm allowed to do so. Then i had better train properly to pass at a later fate. This sucks. The Army is still trying to dictate the terms of my life even after i've finished my time. Screw it.

Oh well. Exams are around the corner too. Time really flies when you're having fun. I've come up with a new philosophy on life which i will expound on in my next post, coming after the exams probably. Too much to deal with right now. School work, bloody Army crap and other things too. Bad enough that i have no friggin time and i'm too friggin lazy.

You're pro or you're noob. That's life. --- Athene

Recess Week!

2008-09-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

A post is long overdue. Have been pretty busy lately trying to get into the Uni groove. Things are seemingly ok so i have no complaints, other than for the fact that i have 5 days of school a week, which is a MEGA pain in the ass. I never want to stop studying. Its too fun. And the alternative doesn't exactly seem very nice either. So i want to study for as long as possible, whihc means dragging my Uni life as long as possible. Haha.

Anyway, i got nothing much to say. As far as possible, i'm trying to leave the past behind and just keep moving forward. After all, you can't turn back time right?

Its been awhile...

2008-08-02T14:58:00.002+08:00

Its been while since my last post. Too many things to do, too little time (both of which are lies). Haha. Actually i've just been feeling really lazy the past month and my internet has gone all wonky on me. Apologies in advance for all that dinging and donging when i come online and go offline on MSN. And if i don't reply to your summons, its not my fault. Go blame singtel or whoever, just not me.

Anyway, back to some real stuff. In the previous post i wrote about how badly i did for Philosophy. I did really badly overall. A C+ for your first module back in school isn't exactly a fantastic start to life as a University student. Maybe its my fault (yes i'm admitting that i'm MAY be at fault here) to have chosen such an obscure module to start off with. The only consolation may be that i did rather well for my final paper to have gotten such a grade, considering the horrible one i got for the essay. At least Political Science treated me better. I think i may be able to hit an A- if all things go fine with the final. 2 Bs for 2 essays isn't that bad right? So yeah, maybe what i really needed was some time to adapt and adjust to being a student again. I swear the Army is a pain in the ass. I makes us guys become stupid, slow and lazy. That's life i guess. Anyway, i'm going to start working real hard from now on. If i'm lucky, maybe i'll try and transfer to the law fac next academic year. Sheesh. I've set really high standards for myself. Whether or not i can stick to my guns and reach my goal is another thing.

I've given up on rugby for now. I'm not joining the NUS team, which is quite a waste considering that i really love the sport to the bones. Apparently its hard to get in and the coach and players are closet assholes, especially when you come from a 'second-rate' rugby playing school. So much for trying to promote the sport in Singapore when its so cliqueish. Sigh. Anyway, i decided to try out something new again. I put my name down for fencing with khai and canoe polo with KP and miah. I'm leaning towards the polo side now. Oh yeah. At least i'm joining a sport. I have no excuse not to exercise anymore. Haha.

I'm pretty tired right now. Had to wake up early for exams today. It was good, except that i forgot to bring my identification for the paper and was pretty much in a mess for the whole morning. If you want to know what happened, i'm not telling here. I don't want my head to go rolling anywhere in a hurry. Speaking of class, i've got all the mods i bid for so i'm pretty chuffed with myself. In the end, there always seems to be that little silver lining to everything that happens to me.

Did i really just take an exam?

2008-06-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

Its been what? 2 and a half years since my last exam. I will never forget how i felt once i finished the last paper of my As (bio s none the less). A mixture of relief and dread, knowing that i had most probably screwed up another important stage in my academic career. MY MARKS (scars) PROVE MY WORTH! But really, there is nothing much to prove because i screwed up so badly that even now it hurts to think about it. Oh well. So i thought with a little more hard work and some divine intervention, i would be able to do better when i start off in Uni. After all, its meant to be a chil-lax place right? Wrong. I did so badly for my essay that i'll need a miracle if i'm going to even smell a B for the philo mod. This is bad because it totally screws up my plan to get a CAP of 4.5 for the whole course. Now with a mod which i screwed up, i'm in for one hell of a ride. Straight to hell again it seems.

Speaking of hell, is it me or is the weather going crazy again. One moment its like a mini tsunami has hit our shores the next, its as though the devil decided to dance a little jig on the island, mainly around the south western part of the island. Its torture especially considering the Uni is built on hills (note the plural). In the famous song from the Sound of Music, "The hills are alive/With the sound of groaning" And creaking knees. And breaking backs. And heavy breathing. From all the exertion. Ouch. The heat doesn't help, and neither does the humidity. Especially the humidity. ARGH! Why can't the weather be just a little bit cooler? That would save me a load of trouble, especially since i've become a ground-pounder again, walking everywhere, from A to Z.

Oh yeah. So i've finished my first ever mod in the Uni, and it didn't go very well. Good riddance to Philosophy for now at least. I'll try my best not to do anything philosophical for awhile. So there won't be anymore philosophical thoughts for awhile at least until i start doing political theory, then i'll have to study all those old greek, french english german and american bums again. Damn. I'm planning on specializing in IR with a sub-specialization in PT so i better use some time to brush up my reading and writing skills. Especially my writing skills. I can ill afford another philo essay again. Currently, i'm doing the intro mod to pol sci. Hopefully i can do better this time. After all, i want to do it as my major so i had better make myself known to the profs and whoever it may concern that i'm hanging around.

Anyway, i was just thinking about the time back in college. Was the council really that fragmented back then? I thought we could all (the guys at least) get along without killing each other. Ok, there may have been times when i almost killed someone during meetings (i won't say who) and there was the time i broke the CI room door out of frustration (which had nothing to do with council at all). Despite all that, i really felt that we had something going on. A bond of brotherhood and of trust. Covering each other's ass from the wrath of Jek Suan was the unspoken rule. But now, 3 years since we stepped down, things have gone to shit. Councillors at war with each other, grabbing at each other's throats. Even though we rarely meet, we seem to have this deep rooted hate within us. Why? I'm sick of being in the center of the conflicts. I've tried my best to hold what remnants of our brotherhood together. I'm sick of taking sides and being forced to do so. It hurts to see friends verbally beat the shit out of each other. Has the 3 years apart made us that different, that cocky?

Who knows these things. Not me that's for sure. All i know is that i'm tired. And sick of this very much. I feel like washing my hands off everything and just start living properly again. I'm looking for answers again. I'm no emo. I just need to find what i'm looking for.

Super Size Me? I think not..

2008-06-05T11:15:00.002+08:00

On Sunday night, Arts Central featured the movie 'Super Size Me' in their Film Art slot at 10pm. I really love eating fast food and i must say it is one of my vices. Though i do not eat it everyday like the people in the film, i do eat it often enough to know it is bad for me. Even then i still eat. Fries, chicken wings, cheeseburgers. All taste good to me. But after watching the show, it kinda left me sick to the stomach. Just 30 days is enough to kill you. Argh. I don't want to die in 30 days. The funny thing was that there was this guy who had eaten like 19000 burgers and has a rather low cholesterol level of 140. Like wow. The irony of that. Either way, i think i'll start cutting down on my intake of fast food. Its about time i made a some big changes in my life. Like the food i eat, the amount i eat. For god's sake, i'm starting to become tubby. Haha. Like round. I can't see my abs anymore, which is kinda depressing really. I blame my over 2 years of inactivity. The last time i did any real hardcore exercise was when i was forced to take part in my camp's inter-mess triathlon. I'm proud to say that after busting my ass, i came in a decent 2nd (from the back). And to think i want to get back to playing some hardcore rugby when i matriculate properly into the university. HAHA!

Ah, then again, i thought that i could just live the simple life from now on. No worries in the world and the like. Uni seemed like a haven to me, compared to the Army. In a sense it is, but with this new found freedom, comes another problem. Try being the stupidest guy in class and you'll know what i mean. Up till ow i can barely understand what is being taught, 4 weeks into the course. And there is the paper which is due in 2 weeks, and the exams in 2 weeks. Hell i don't even know how to start writing. I'm just so confused with things. Hopefully inspiration will strike me one day soon. And it had better be soon because i may just start going crazy. Haha.

So now i'm fat, stupid and starting to lose my grip on reality. Anyway, here's a thought for a week. It happens that now i'm reading Decartes (cogito ergo sum; i think, therefore i am). It also happens to be my essay topic. 'How do you know if you are living in the Matrix? And does it matter?' There it goes. I just lost all respect for one of my favorite trilogies of all time. Ok well, to make things simpler, here is another question you might like to ponder. 'Given that you can be fooled by dreams, how do you know you are not in one now?'

Think about it.

Too hot!

2008-05-22T12:12:00.002+08:00

I've only got 1 complaint these days. Why is the weather so bloody hot? Haha. I guess you guys must be feeling it too. The oppressive Singapore weather is back. Its like, why is the weather so whacked out these days. In the beginning of the year, it was unusually wet. it rained almost everyday, forcing me to stay home most days (and some other stuff too, but who really cares). Then it started going really crazy. Hot and dry one moment, wet and cold the next. Explains why my hacking cough acted up all over again. I really thought i was going to die. Seriously. And now, just as i'm starting school? Its hot like the deepest depths of hell. Ok maybe that's an exaggeration. Still, its hot enough to make want NOT to go to school. Like the weather ever was an excuse to skip school.

Anyway, so its the 2nd week of Special Term and i haven't changed my mind about NOT being a Philosophy major. Though i'm slowly beginning to understand what is being taught, i still have no idea how i'm going to write a 6-8 page essay to be handed up. And then there is the exam in 4 weeks time. Yeah. I'm screwed. Say bye-bye to my dignity as a man, i can't even keep my promise of doing well in University. I should just go to my corner and die. Haha. Its not that depressing lah. I just have to keep going forward i guess. Back straight, face forward, march! Then again, i still think Uni is a faceless place. Well, the people are at least. I'm still intimidated by those smart-alec assholes who can't seem to shut up during lectures and discussions sections. If i was still in college, chairs would be flying 'ala Gerald Fok. Haha. Those were the days when i could get into fights and get away with it. These days its not that simple anymore. Oh well. We all have to grow up sometime right?

Ok. Now for Ivan's 'A thought a week segment" Think about this:

For anything, Z, one either knows Z or doesn't.
If one knows Z, one cannot ask about Z.
If one does not know Z, one cannot ask about Z.
Therefore, for anything Z, one cannot inquire about Z.

Bet most of you didn't get that. Oh well. Neither do i and i'm a philosophy student. Now you know what i have to sit through every week. Maybe next week, they'll ask me what a chair is. If that happens, i think i may just walk out all together.

Back to school

2008-05-15T15:47:00.002+08:00

Finally, i'm back in school. So its supposed to be a good thing right? Right? Maybe it is, but from what i've experienced during the past week, i think it may just turn out to be a little experiment gone wrong.

So its special term time and i decided that i would sign up for 1 module. Just 1 single module to help me get the rust out of my head and to get the juices flowing properly. I signed up for a Philosophy module. And i'm kinda regretting that i did. Half the class are seniors. Having been in the system before, they easily assimilate into the system. Discussions, lectures blah blah. And the rest? The poor sad NSmen who don't even have a clue on what they are doing sitting in a lecture and not understanding what the lecturer is saying. And then there is the discussions where we're supposed to contribute our thoughts. Seeing some of those entries are really intimidating. I don't have a bloody clue what they are writing. And come to think of it, i don't even know what we're supposed to be discussing in the first place. So there goes my 10% it seems. And my Dean's List. And my double major. And my life. Never before have i felt so intimidated just to attend classes. Being the alone doesn't really help. Not knowing anyone, not understanding a shit and basically not having any fun is well, no fun at all.

I really feel stupid. Maybe i'm just not cut out to study such abstract things. I must have been either drunk or in a daze when i said that maybe i'm more cut out for the social sciences. Haha. Damn i really must pull myself together, quick. 6 weeks isn't enough time for me to whine. But then again, is it enough time for me to shake off the rust and start thinking properly again? I should have done new media writing or something like that. Maybe it would have been the easier option and i would have to have this crazy dilemma going on in my head. I had a nightmare about the work i should be doing the day after i started classes. I must be losing it, or maybe i already have. One thing is for sure though. I'm NOT going to be a philosophy major.

Anyway, while i try to get my head right way up again, here's a little something for you to think about. St. Augustine wrote "Six is a number perfect in itself, and not because God created all things in six day; rather the inverse is true, that God created all things in six days because the number is perfect, and it would remain perfect even if the work of the six days did not exist." Does this mean that mean that since the science of numbers (ie mathematics) is perfect which results in there being a God, or is it because God is perfect that's why mathematics is perfect?

Just something for you people to think about while i try to think about what exactly i should be doing right now.

New Beginnings

2008-05-05T22:21:00.002+08:00

First off, i would like to apologize for not updating as often as i would have liked. Just that i haven't been able to gather my thoughts in an orderly manner and type them down in a manner which i would consider 'proper'. Anyway, i know you're sick of seeing my photos (ahem, ms yong) so i'll try my hand at writing again.

Its been 6 months since i left the army and now i'm about to start being a student again. Finally the wait is over. There is only that much anime and dramas which i can take and i'm pretty much at my limit (i watched 168 episodes of BLEACH in 4 days). I've got a crick in my neck and my head hurts from the poor quality of the videos and my bad posture. Not to mention some pretty horrible subtitles to go along with it. Thankfully the special term starts next week. 2 days of school a week, focused on only 1 module. I should be able to do well if i don't get distracted by too many things again. Though philosophy is something totally new to me, i'll try my best.

I've been thinking lately. Where did i go wrong? After awhile and a little inspiration after, i've realized my mistake. My mask has been broken. Now i have to fight my inner daemons again and try to regain the mask that i once wore with pride. My problems all stemmed from 1 single moment of weakness in college and i have been suffering for it ever since. I let down my guard just for an instant and i was beaten up so badly that even i barely recognise myself now. And now that i'm about to start again in the University, i'm hoping i don't make the same mistake again. therefore i have to find my mask and put it on again. Only then will i be able to fight at my full strength and regain the confidence and composure in once had.

Something weird just happened. Before i started typing, i had alot of things i wanted to say. But now i can't even remember what it was. Haha. I apologise if my syntax and spelling is screwed. I'm becoming senile before i even hit 21. Damn i'm getting old before my time. Anyways, May seems to be an interesting month for my. The start of school, my driving test and plenty of other stuff to do.

To new beginnings and bitter endings.

Pictures from London

2008-04-10T16:20:00.006+08:00

I've got the photos from my trip to London! Finally. Haha. They were on my brother's computer all along, so i'll put them up on the blog (if i can figure out how to work the photo uploader properly). Anyway, most of the photos turned up crap so i'll only put a few of them up. Quite embarrassing really, travelling half way around the world and not having any decent photographs. Oh well. Haha.

The giant crack at the Tate Modern. You can literally fall into art it seems.

Looks kinda like the Arc De Triumph in Paris right? Its actually Wellington's Arch, celebrating his victory over Napoleon. The irony.

Houses of Parliament. To think Singapore was ruled as a Crown Colony from here for more than a century.

No originality in Singapore. The Eye was here before we even dreamed of having a huge, gaudy Ferris Wheel at Marina. It was a tad on the expensive side so i didn't bother much with it.

The home of the Prime Minister of Britain, Downing Street, part of the Axis of Evil (together with Britain's erstwhile ally the US). Apparently you used to be able to walk right up to the doorstep of No.10. These days there is a gate and maybe a hundred armed policemen to get through. Wonder what he's afraid of.

I swear i saw the guy move and the horse take a crap right in front of my eyes. So much for British discipline.

I've wanted to eat here for ages. Jaime Oliver's restaurant in London, Fifteen. Apparently you need to make a reservation 6 months in advance for lunch and dinner but during breakfast the place was empty. Wonder why?

Me and my brother in front of the restaurant. He was my host for the 2 weeks i spent in London. Not that he ahd much of a choice. Anyway, i had to cook for him and smuggle up some local food too. He made my trip enjoyable. Thanks Ian! The person taking the photograph is his girlfriend. You can see her in the reflection of the door.

The werks. A full English breakfast. If only i could wake up every morning to this. I would die a happy man. The black round thing is blood pudding. As disgusting as it may sound, it taste really good.

Welcome to Middle-Earth! Ermm, actually, its just the London Borough of Greenwich. The rolling green fields of Greenwich Park are so much greener than let's say, the National Stadium turf. And it was the end of winter. Mr. Groundskeeper of the National Stadium, please do your job . Thanks you!

The hallways of the Royal Naval College (or Academy) in Greenwich. The Sun actually decided to show itself that day. Which means there are only 59 more sunny days left in London for the year.

I'm not kidding when i say that this is a state-of-the-art navigation and time-keeping device. Seriously. In the 18th century. The red ball on the roof of the Royal Observatory served to help sailors adjust the time on their ships clocks to GMT. The ball drops everyday at 1pm GMT till this day (even though there are digital clocks and no ships coming up the Thames).

This is where GMT really is. I took this photo standing in the western hemisphere. Anyway, this is where modern time was invented. Oh and i forgot to rotate it too. I'm too lazy to upload it again anyway so i'm not going to bother. If you want a really good look at it, either turn your head or go to Greenwich!

I look constipated in this photo, because i was. Taken at the Prime Meridian at Greenwich. I was having so much fun that i had forgotten to take a proper dump in the morning before heading out. There was the 20p public toilet (automatic) which i decided to forgo. I just had to hold it in for the rest of the day till i got back.

The view from the Stone Gallery at St. Paul's Cathedral. Designed by Sir Christopher Wren after the Great Fire in 16-something, it is one of the most prominent features in the London skyline even in this age of high-rises and weird looking structures (read "the Dildo" 30 St. Mary's Axe)

Westminster Cathedral in Victoria in West London. The Mother church of the Catholic Church in Britain. Its still under construction more than a hundred years after construction first began. Constructed in the Byzantine style,its red-brick facade makes it one of the more prominent landmarks in London. And admission was free.
The interior of Westminster Cathedral. This is one of the few churches which allow photography as long as services are not going on. Its not complete yet but as money starts coming in from all around the world the golden frescos and mosaics are slowly but surely creeping up towards the ceiling.

And this is Westminster Abbey. Not to be mistaken with the Cathedral. This is where coronations for English monarchs have taken place since God knows when. Aside from the rather impressive architecture and facade, its just a glorified cemetery where anybody who is anybody in British society has been buried.

Ok. So that has been about all the photographs i have which wouldn't put me in compromising positions later. The others wouldn't really interest you. After the better part of 3 hours, its finally done. I swear i won't be doing this very often, uploading photos. Haha. Its a pain in the ass. If you really want to see what London is like, go there for yourself. Breathe the air (polluted), enjoy the food. Take in the sights and immerse yourself in over 1000 years of history. If you have the time and money for just 1 place in Europe, go to London. You won't be disappointed.

The 150

2008-04-04T10:49:00.002+08:00

This is the 150th post on the blog. Yeah woot, bells and whistles. Haha very funny. Here's a stick so use it and beat the living shit out of me because i can't take living like this anymore. Seriously, here's a stick. Beat me up with it. I'm tired of beating myself so i'm letting you take over. Go ahead, it won't hurt me. I've been in so much shit that it a few more bruises and broken bones won't make that much of a difference.

So you want to know how i've been. I'm fine. That's unless you want to know the truth. Truth is, i'm feeling really crap. I don't know why. Maybe its because i've got nothing to do anymore. I'm tired. I really am, but i can't get enough rest. Too many things are going through my head for me to get any proper rest. I feel like i'm going crazy. Not that i haven't felt ike this before, but this time it feels so much worse. And then again, i have no one to really talk to about my problems. Yeah sure i still do talk to the guys, and talk about killing, death and guy things really isn't that bad. But there is a limit, especially when no one cares to listen to what i really want to talk about.

Then again, i think i may have put myself into this rut. There was a time not too many months ago when i felt happy and sane. When i had someone who i could talk too, even if it was very one sided. Someone who cared enough to bother that i was alive. Then i had to wreck it all by self-destructing again. And now that i really need a pick up, she's nowhere to be found. Not really. She's always there online, but i just don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to even begin a conversation. Have i degenerated that much in just a few months? Have my social skills become non-existent? I think they have.

I really want to talk to her. I want her to read this post. I know i'm pathetic. I'm a shadow now. I'm not a person and i don't deserve to be one if i can't eve get a hold of myself. The path i'm walking can only lead to self-destruction and i don't know how to turn back. Only a miracle can save me. Maybe only she can.

I'm disappointed with myself. Am i that weak-willed?

Murphy's Law

2008-03-25T15:58:00.002+08:00

When i was in London for my holiday, in the interest of saving money, i lived with my bro in his apartment. In his room, there was a poster regarding Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Basically that's what its about. Maybe it has to do with some physics theories and stuff, but i left that a long way behind when i left school. So one of the quotes goes, "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn." And my personal favourite, "The item you call someone to fix works when he's there. But as soon as he leaves, its broken again" Its these bits of humour which add some colour to what would be the most boring period of my life.

Ever since i left the Army back in November last year, i can count the number of times i've gone out with my fingers and toes. So for 5 months i haven't really done anything productive or vaguely interesting. Yeah, it gets kinda lonely when you don't head out once in awhile. Seriously. Other than for my grand holiday to London, i haven't really done anything. Fine, i do go for driving lessons, but i'm really crap so i kinda hate going for them. Sigh. My life is going out of order. I don't even know what i should do. I'm bored, lonely and depressed. Maybe the beginning of school would bring some relief.

Speaking of school, i've got my timetable for the special term which starts in May. I only have 2 days of school a week. Hah! Fantastic if i could say so myself. I'll be reading a Philosophy module Reason and Persuasion, which touches on the works of Plato and Descartes. Hopefully i'll be able to understand what they are teaching during lectures. Damn i really want to do well in school. This is my last chance to prove to my parents and those assholes who think that i'm stupid, that i'm not. I'm going to own every single one of their monkey backsides, and when i'm done, i'll rub my degree into their faces and ask them to eat shit. Haha (evil laugh). Ok, that was a bit graphic and overboard, but hey, i have to prove that i can do it right? This time round, nothing is going to stop me. Hopefully.

Oh well, after an amazing cock up, i can't upload any photos from my trip cos my bro didn't bring back his camera. Actually come to think of it, its nothing much really. This means however that the photos will only come sometime in June when he's back for the summer. Yeah. Its going to be awhile.

Truth is, i guess that the reason i'm feeling like this is because i just can't stop thinking of her. I figure that she's moved on and stuff, but i haven't. Here i am, still hoping and waiting that one day, some day, it would work itself out. I'm way pass the self pity stage of things, but i just can't get her out of my head. I doubt she ever will be out of my life. We haven't talked for 3 months now. I wonder how she's doing.

London town

2008-03-07T09:28:00.003+08:00

I think its time i posted. Was supposed to do it yesterday but i was too tired (excuses). Haha. Its been 4 days since i've gotten back from my trip and i'm still feeling jet-lagged (kind of) and my body clock has gone all wonky on me. Imagine if i went to the US, i would be dead for a week at least. Anyway, this post is supposed to be about my trip to London, so here goes!

"What's London like?" People have been asking me that ever since i've gotten back. How do i start to describe the place. It's the first time i've been to Europe and i must say that i can vaguely understand why the Brits used to own almost half the world. It really is a beautiful city. Ok fine, the weather sucked and the place looked gloomy half the time. But underneath all the grime, the grey skies and persistent drizzles of rain, it really is quite a nice place to live. The weather was mostly agreeable with me and the food is good. History abounds in the city which is not surprising considering the long history of the city. Unlike Singapore with its towering office blocks and stacked up living spaces, the city of London manages to blend the old and the new (for example 30 St. Mary Axe which my brother refers to as the 'dildo'), the historically important and modern conveniences all into a rather compact space. The seemingly haphazard city planning gives it a sort of romantic feel which you'll never find in Singapore. Yes, the streets may be dirty and the Sun may be non-existent. Its no Singapore that's for sure, but then again, it offers so much more.

So let's talk about food. The British national dish is Fish and Chips. And i love it. Even though many professional chefs may diss it as being boring, Fish and Chips are actually really good. They taste better than anything you can get in Singapore that's for sure. The fish is usually haddock (cod is hard to come by), but even then it still taste great. The flesh falls apart on your fork and the taste is subtle and sometimes even sweet. And the chips. Doused in malt vinegar and a liberal amount of salt (who cares about blood pressure), they taste absolutely divine. And then there are the Kebabs. The mystery meat which comes in huge chunks and lightly roasted on standing rotisseries actually taste quite good (though your kind of put off thinking about what goes in the meat). With fries, they taste even better. Ok, i may have been to better places to eat than that (i went to Fifteen, Jaime Oliver's restaurant in London), but those 2 dishes really left an impression on me. If ever you go to London, you absolutely must eat those 2 things.

Now on to the sights. Huge Gothic looking churches, Big Ben, Houses of Parliament (where we used to be governed from), Greenwich, the museums, Oxford and Regent streets, the Thames and not forgetting the tower of London. I won't write about them here, because words can't do justice to them. Pictures. When my brother gets back from London in 2 weeks with his camera, i'll upload them on Facebook then. All i can say is that they are unlike anything Singapore can provide. Hands down, London wins.

The only thing that Singapore does beat London in is public transport. Actually, truth is, London is easier to get around than Singapore. Its just that traffic there is horrendous. You can actually freeze to death while waiting for the bus to move about 100m. Then there is the Tube. I was actually quite afraid to use it when i first arrived. I had heard stories about it. Here, 'Mind the Gap' takes on a whole new meaning. Its not a gap really. Its a bloody step. And even when there are gaps, they are bloody huge. Kids could fall into them even when the train has pulled into the station. And since there are no doors at Underground stations, as the train approaches the platform, you can actually see rats scurrying away from the tracks. Its kinda cool actually, just don't get freaked out when you see it.

Actually, that's really all i have to say about my trip. Weird, considering that i spent 12 days there. Photos are so much easier to describe my trip. Words wouldn't be able to describe it fully. I had loads of fun there even though i was alone most of the time. The weather wasn't as bad as i made it sound, just that i'm not really used to it. I did a hell load of walking (because i was afraid of public transport until near the end of my trip) but i didn't sweat much. I really enjoyed myself and am looking forward to the next time i head back out there (most probably next year for my brother's graduation).

So wait out for the photos. I'll figure out a way to upload them. My computer is starting to commit suicide so i don't know if i'll be successful. A word of advice. Everyone should visit London once. Whether its for the shopping (Oxford Street kinda rocks), the history (the museums and churches) or if its just to chill out (Greenwich and the royal parks), London has it all.

Back

2008-03-04T22:41:00.002+08:00

Just got back from London yesterday. Still feeling the effects of sitting on my ass for 12 hours straight with a fat guy spilling over in to my seat. And it doesn't help that i could only get 1 hour of sleep on board. So yeah, i'm pretty much wasted from all the travel and the time difference so i'll write about my trip when i feel up to it, probably in about a day or so. Most likely on Thursday if nothing crops up. Damn my spelling has gone to shit, keep having to do corrections to my writing. I need sleep. Haha.

Watch this space, something happy to talk about for once. =)

Am i falling again?

2008-02-05T17:55:00.001+08:00

It was supposed to be just another day. It all happened in an instant. Lazing around in bed, planning the day ahead, when a thought struck me. It was her msn nick yesterday. Just 3 alphabets which may or may not make sense to most of us. ily. It hit me like a hammer blow to the head. I sat up in bed immediately. This can't be happening... Or can it?

Once again i think i'm going crazy. Am i in that bad a mental state that something like that could just shake me to the bones? And i thought that it was a thing in the past these feelings i have for her. Obviously i'm wrong because i just can't get her out of my head. When i think i've gotten a hold of my emotions, they come around and throttle me all over again. I've gone from bad to worse it seems. I've been kidding myself with the illusion that things could work out just once. It just seems that i'm a hopeless romantic after all.

If you still don't get what ily stands for, you most probably haven't been in love before or you're just plain stupid. It didn't occur to me at first too so its not your fault. Whatever it means, the y obviously doesn't apply to me. Looks like she may have someone else in her life again.

A Map for Saturday

2008-01-27T12:35:00.000+08:00

Its been ages since i've last posted. Maybe because i've been too caught up with my driving, or painting, or just plain lazy (i think this is the reason). Lately i haven't had much inspiration. But recently i caught a show on cable and it was quite nice. The show was called "Map for Saturday" and it chronicles the life of a backpacker who spent a whole year traveling around the world, roughing out the life of a backpacker. Living in youth hostels and stuff like that must have been real tough. I have no illusions of seeing myself doing anything like that in the near future. After all, i really am just living for the 2 weeks out of the year where i can just take time off work and stuff. Not that i'm working now but in the future, after i graduate. I don't think i can spend a whole year just traveling, even though there are so many places i would love to visit.

Anyway, the show kinda inspired me. Not to travel, but to live my life to the fullest. Nowadays, for the next few months at least, i can afford to live like everyday is a Saturday. Saturdays are not like any other days. Think about it. On weekdays, people have to work, go to school and do things which they may or may not really enjoy. On Sundays, even though it is a weekend, the feeling is just not there. There usually is a pall hanging over Sundays, with the troubles of the coming week looming on the horizon. Most people can't really enjoy Sundays to the fullest because of this. Saturdays on the other hand, are the most carefree days in the week. Its just after a hectic work week. The next day is a Sunday. You don't have to worry about much. Its the weekend weekend. Ah, Saturdays.

Now that my life is full of Saturdays, its time i did something about it. I'm looking for things to do. Things that excite me, things that make me want to jump up and scream. This that scare me and things that i may consider doing in the long run. I don't want to keep on being cooped up in my room staring at the computer screen, playing solitaire, watching the telly, painting etc. Its time i got out and did my thing, and start enjoying my life and my free time while i still have free time. I don't want to have to look back at this period of my life and say that i wasted it. I still have 3 months before i head back to the trenches and do battle with the books. Its time i did something about it.

Oh yeah. I'm going to London after Chinese New Year. That's all just part of my map for Saturday.

New Year, old demons

2008-01-08T19:02:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to everyone. Not that it is a very happy new year, but still, Happy New Year. It just feels like a continuation of the bad dream we call life. The year pretty much started out on the wrong foot for me. But yeah, a few days on and i think i may actually do fine this year, if things don't go spiraling out of control again, like my emotions. Speaking of emotions, ignore the previous post, really. I wasn't in control of myself then, just a temporary madness. Not that i didn't mean what i said, i really do, but yeah. I just wasn't thinking straight when i was writing that.

Its a new year, with new things to look forward to. I start studying in the University this year and hopefully i do well. Getting my life in order is a top priority too. I have to start acting my age and start thinking like an adult. But if i keep slipping back into moods like the previous one, i'm never going to get anywhere, which is really sad. I may have been killing myself slowly without me noticing anything. Now that i understand things better (more or less), i have to make a conscious effort to keep myself from following old patterns again. I guess that the reasons why i have been unsuccessful after so many attempts is because of this. I'm going to be 21 so i had better start acting my age.

Speaking of turning 21, it seems that people are starting to have their birthdays already. Already i've been booked on 3 days. Which means 3 presents, which means more going out of my pocket. That leaves me with almost no money to spend for the most important birthday at the end of the year. Come to think of it, what's so special about 21 anyway? Its just another year added to our ages. All i know is that i'm starting to feel a little old now, which is not a good thing because i feel like i've wasted most of my youth on nothing. Sigh.

Anyway, its kind of a tradition to come up with resolutions at the new year, and this year is no exception. So here are my resolutions, and hopefully i can achieve them.

Get my driver's license
Study hard and do well in Uni
Be less of a pain in the ass and more of a friend
Put to rest all my old demons
Make my peace with her, no matter what the outcome is

Ah sigh, so its another new year ahead. Maybe 2008 isn't that bad after all. Just have to look at the bright side of things and hopefully things will finally turn out good for me.

First, last. No regrets.

2007-12-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a holiday over Christmas. Even though i went for it being rather unhappy about spending Christmas on a ship, it turned out rather well, with some surprises thrown into it. Did some real fun stuff there and some rather unpleasant things too, but you only live once right? No regrets! I'll write about what i did some other time. Right now, there are more important issues to address.

As other people on board slept, a lonesome figure (me) would be seen by those crew on night duty pacing up and down the top deck of the ship. Maybe its because i really love the sea or maybe its because there are too many things on my mind. Recently i've been finding it difficult to get any form of proper rest, mainly because i have had too many things on my mind to handle. Things just keep going through my mind. I know she told me not too look too much into things but i just can't help myself. Its my personality to want to look into things till the end and if the end is unfavourable, i will worry about it and do everything to get it to be alright. Anyway, so as i was standing on the deck looking at the inky blackness of the sea, thoughts just kept rolling into my head. Then i realised what i was meant to have done a long time ago. Bringing me back to the days when things were so much simpler.

About 4 years ago, at around this time of the year, i had made a vow to myself. That was one vow which i could never keep. The temptations present in a Co-ed Junior College were too much for me to handle. After spending 10 years in a 'chaste' all-boys environment, i could help myself but to fall. It took me by surprise. A simple smile was all it took to make me go crazy, especially from someone like her. Her voice, her laughter the way she did things left me dumbfounded and paralysed. 4 years of Secondary school life spent practising nearly 24/7 just to please some overbearing bastard's ego had left me thinking that women were really from another planet. I just didn't know how to react and everything caught me by surprise. The first time i saw her, i was literally blown away, even though i barely knew who she was.

Once the future seemed so bright before me. I was poised for greatness. And yet i let myself get messed up in the head over something which normally would have little or no effect on me. I stumbled at the last hurdle but i don't blame her for it. It really is not her fault. If there is anyone to blame, it will have to be me and no one else. I made myself into the monster i've become. Effectively, i've lost 4 years of my life and i didn't even know it. I've gone from hero to zero in a shorter period of time. Nowadays, i'm just a shell of who i used to be.

Anyway, you must be wondering why i came up with such a title. "Men and women are different when it comes to relationships. Men want their first to be their last, but women what their last to be like their first". I've lived on this earth for 20 years already and i have only love 1 other woman more than my mother. She was the first and on this day, the 29th of December 2007, i swear she will be my last. Truth is, after loving her all these years, it is hard for me to be with anyone else. Damn, ive said it. Actually, i really cannot see myself being with anyone other than her. There was once she told me that i'm sure to meet someone fantastic. Maybe i've already met someone fantastic, and that person is her. I doubt i'll meet anyone better than her and if i do, she'll always be the benchmark. And even that level is set pretty high. I doubt many girls could meet that standard.

Anyway, when all is said and done, maybe the best thing to do is to stay single. Nothing wrong with being single right? If things keep up the way they are right now, its the best option for me. No regrets, that will be my new motto. I wonder how i can sound so happy when i'm typing this but actually deep down inside i'm hurting. Hurting like i've never hurt before. It hurts me when i think about it, it hurts when i talk about it, and it hurts the most when i'm so close to saying those 3 magic words, only to refrain from saying them because i'm a wuss. Because i'm afraid that i would have to endure those words from her again. Because i'm afraid of destroying whatever i have now with her. Because i have no self-dignity left that i just can't pull it off.

Thinking about it, the last time we met, i just didn't know what to say or what to do. Watching her from the bus stop as she turned her back on me and walked into school, i felt that a part of me had just died again. A part of me wanted to run up to her and hug her yet the other part of me told me to walk away. No prizes for guess which part won. I regretted it almost immediately after that.

At the end of the day there is only 1 thing i can say. I like her, i really do. And even if it doesn't work out between us, i still will like her. Its not a crush anymore, its something else. I like her and i have no regrets liking her. She was the first, and hopefully will be the last too. I've made my decision, i have no regrets.

Well, everyone's allowed dreams right?

2007-12-21T10:16:00.000+08:00

Its funny. The past week i have felt rather good, which is something very unusual to happen this time of the year. It just seems so dream like that i can't believe its even possible for me to feel this way. Just for this week, i was able to live in one of my dreams, doing the things i enjoy, being with the people i enjoy being with and just plain feeling good. It was one of those feel good weeks which comes by oh say once every year. This year's feel good week was long overdue by about 4 months but hey, its here and it felt good.

Too bad all good things come to an end. I just felt that it was too short. Its what you make out of it i guess. Either way, i'm hoping things look up next year. This year can be remembered (or forgotten for that matter) as one of the worst i have ever been through, and also one of the best. Like a double-bell shaped curve seen in biological stats, the highs are really high and the lows are really lows. Well, its over and i just have to keep looking forward and live a life without regrets.

Some how i just wished that i had said more the other day. Things just ended so abruptly that i still have this feeling that i'm missing out on something really important.

Begining to feel old..

2007-12-16T20:41:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning with a hacking cough and an aching back. Happy 20th Birthday Ivan. You're getting old and your body is starting to disintegrate each year that you progress. Ah what the hell. As i age, i'm starting to feel more like being a pain to others. Don't ask me why but it just feels that way. Maybe i'm weird. Who knows?

Thanks to all the people who sent me birthday wishes which, not counting family, came up to a grand total of 7 people. That is really how sad this birthday has been. Its not a special day, its just a day where you're supposed to be happy, feeling good about yourself, laughing and enjoying yourself be it with friends or family. Go figure how my 20th felt. Dry, boring and a real pain in the ass. Sometimes i wonder why i even care when most people don't.

So how did the day go was the question Ching asked. I had lunch with 2 aunts who really are old bags (but the do give pretty large ang paos so i allowed myself to be tortured for over 2 hours). Then i came home, took a nap then went for dinner with my parents which would have been totally fine if my sister wasn't doing her horse-face routine the entire night as she tried buying clothes for our coming trip (to nowhere really, its just some fancy dandy cruise where we are expected to wear suits to dinner). Then it was back home to write this account on how pathetic birthday celebrations have become to my family (and me for that matter).

Being 20 means alot of things. Firstly, i lose the -teen suffix to my age which also means that i can't afford to act like a kid or a teen any more. No more teenage angst and whining. Can't afford to show weakness to people. Having to be more mature in thought and deed. Things like that. And just for laughs, December 16th is the Independence Day of Kazakhstan. Very nice, great success!

Anyway, so that's how my 20th came and went. Sheesh! I'll be 21 next year and its supposed to be something special. Hope it doesn't turn out like this because the feeling really sucks. You should try it too, then you'll know how it really feels.

The month after...

2007-12-13T15:32:00.000+08:00

This post has been a long time coming. Ok, maybe 9 days ain't that long a period of time. Anyways, a late post is better than not having posted. Its been a month since i've become civilian once again. Thinking back, i really haven't done much during this period of time. Mostly, i've spent it either in front of the computer or the television. Not a very healthy way to burn the time till i get into Uni, but hey, beats wasting money with pointless activities and stuff. Other than for the infrequent forays into town, my life now is really quite boring. My life is punctuated by the injuries i've received from pushing myself too hard exercising. Every morning i wake up with pains all over. Maybe its a good thing. Pain makes me feel alive. It reminds me that i am only human. It keeps me firmly rooted in reality and prevents me from childish delusions of being different. As far as i'm concerned, i'm no different from the random guy on the street.

I guess that maybe the highlight of this month of vegetation must be the day i spent in Sentosa with Ching. Yeah it may sound kinda gay but hey, when you're on short notice, anything goes. It had been ages since i last visited the island even though its just across a tiny strip of water from where i live. And my, has the place changed. It looks so different now that they are building the IR there. Where once was the ferry terminal, the cycling tracks and fantasy island is now a massive construction site. Anyway we visited Underwater World, Fort Siloso and the Dolphin Lagoon. Its was quite fun considering that it was just 2 guys. Underwater World was nice. It has really changed from the last time i went there. The exhibits were good and just going through the tunnel brought back memories from the past. Fort Siloso was fun too. At least it fed my appetite for all things old and of big guns. Then it was off to the Dolphin Lagoon. Initially i was kinda sceptical, mainly because i've never really seen the allure of frolicking around in the water with animals armed with a few hundred razor sharp things. But just standing there watching the dolphins do their thing really amused me and it felt kinda good.

Now that the month is over, i still have another 5 months to go before i get to start school. I'm bored and going crazy mostly but it beats being in the Army so i'm not complaining. I just have to find some stuff to do to keep me occupied. Driving practical starts in the beginning of next year and hopefully i'll get my licence by the time i start school. Screw the triangle plate while driving to school, i don't really care. What matters most is that i finally have some freedom to move around on my own not having to worry about late night taxi fares and whether i'm going to miss the last bus. Next i've got to start working. Come this friday, i may get a job at a brokerage firm, but i'm not sure if i want it. On top of that my Dad is enlisting me to work in his clinic 4 times a week. Negotiations about the pay are currently ongoing. Haha.

5 more months to go. Am i going to survive without going crazy? Hopefully i will.

Light in your eyes.

2007-12-01T16:56:00.000+08:00

I'm back. After the events of last week, i think i've finally come round to some of the issues in my life. Thanks to those people who were there for me. I know it must be a pain because i slip into these moods ever so often and for no apparent reason. At least i know that there are people who actually care out there, some unexpected ones and some which really made me feel much better. Thanks. =)

Anyway, its the Christmas season again. Not that i really enjoy Christmas that much, but yeah, its here again. This season, i think i'll make a promise to myself, which i hope i can keep. This year, i'll try to enjoy Christmas. Usually its the time of the year that i get a whole load of news which i don't like to hear and it screws up my moods. Sheesh! I sound like a girl with moods and stuff. I'll try not to look into my head so much and just try to enjoy being around family. I don't know why i'm writing this. Hopefully this year Christmas would be different for me. Maybe, for a change i'll get some good news. Who knows? Just as she said, i've got to find myself again before i get others to find me. Maybe that's where i've been going wrong all this time. I don't really know who or what i am. The person i really am is not the person i make myself out to be. Its just that not many people know this and it takes a bit of digging to find it. And i've got to open up more too i guess.

Well, i hope things look up again. I've got to try. I can't afford to keep on falling into this cycle over and over again. Now that i have less things on my hands and more time to do the things i want to do, i had better start improving myself if i'm ever to reach my dreams. I've got to start exercising cos i'm getting fat. I've got to get my driving licence before Chinese New Year. And many other things. Its a little early to wish for things in the coming year, but there are things which i really really want.

Enough for now. My thoughts are still swirling around inside my head. Before i start writing the wrong things, its time to go.

Confessions of the broken.

2007-11-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

I woke up 3 this afternoon, and i still feel tired. Thinking back at the last 3 weeks since i left the Army, it looks like i've hit new lows in my life. Nowadays, it seems that all i do is eat, sleep watch televison, play games on the computer, maybe do a bit of cooking and play a few rounds of squash with an old man. I have no social life to speak of. I think my friends don't want to talk to me or are preoccupied with other things. I feel left out from others. My life has gone to the dumps and its staying there for what seems like an extended stay. Spiralling out of control. I thought that leaving the Army would give me the opportunity to start on a clean slate, to have greater control over my life and my actions. But no. Instead it has caused me more pain. Even now as i'm writing these thoughts out, i just keep getting the feeling that i'm losing out on something.

The events which unfolded last night just go to show how much of a social vegetable i've become. Went out for dinner with Jean and KP. Dinner was rather uneventful. But things just kept bugging me during dinner. I didn't say much. Then came the after dinner activities. I came to realise then how much i've changed. I just couldn't click with them anymore, even KP with whom i've been through so much with. It felt unreal. Sure, i wouldn't mind a few drinks and stuff but, yeah, i just can't do it anymore and i don't know why. I think what really felt weird was the ease in which they talk about other people. Either way, i don't believe that i've gone that deep into depravity that i just can't do anything right anymore. I'm too sensitive about things. I let my heart guide my actions rather than making logical decisions based on what would be right for me. I don't share the same interest as my friends anymore. All i've become is a useless home-body. I don't know what goes on with them anymore. I don't know what they are thinking or what they are doing. I've become suspicious, maybe even paranoid that people are talking behind my backs. When they ask me out, i wonder if its out of pity or whether its because they genuinely want to hang out. I really don't know who i am anymore. I pretend to be the person i currently am, but i can't hold it much longer. I seem to be taking on the role of the clown everytime we meet up. I laugh, i try to entertain, i crack the joke, i offer the opposing view. But yet, that is not the kind of person i want to be, neither is it the kind of life i want to lead. I've seemed to have lost all confidence in myself. I can't even bring myself to understand my own feelings. Its a crazy thing really. The crazy times.

Other things seem to be bothering me too. They are kinda sensitive really. It just seems that everytime the end of November draws near, my emotions seem to take a spin. Come to think of it, i have lost all respect for myself because of this, seeing that i can't even keep promises i made to myself. I don't know how to say it really. This has really played havoc on me for along time. I said before that it should stop, but how do you stop your own human emotions, especially if they concern someone who you really care for. Its stupid of me to be saying this now. I don't know what to say or how to put it down in words. I need a few beers and a person who's willing to really listen to what i have to say and not go on rambling about their latest achievements or gossiping about whos seeing who or who broke up with who. They don't seem to spare a thought for the guy who's sitting in front of them who has had feelings for the same girl for the past 4 years even after the numerous times that he's been turned down flat and the times she's been with other guys. When that happens i really feel like the fool. All i can do is nod my head and pretend to be interested. But who knows what really goes on inside my head, the hurt i begin to feel which i try so hard to surpress. And now its come back to bite me. I don't know how to move on and what i should do about it anymore.

These really are ramblings. I think i've written enough for now. I really need someone who can bring me back into the world and stop me from slipping further and further away from reality.

On The Menu

2007-11-13T13:30:00.000+08:00

Ok, its been about a week since i ORD-ed and i'm starting to get real bored at home. My computer sucks so i can't play Hellgate: London (which pisses me off quite a bit), there seems to be no one to go out with considering that most of the guys are still serving (my fault for enlisting early) and the girls are having exams, and finally, i have no intention of getting a job, so i shouldn't really be whining about being bored. Oh well, i'm just a lazy bum it seems.

Anyway, since it seems that i'm not getting out of the house much, i had better start pulling my weight around less my mum start screaming at me for no apparent reason. So i've decided. I shall help out in the best way i can. Stay out of trouble, make my own bed every morning and last but not least, cook. Yes, cook. Believe it or not, i can do it, and i'm pretty good at it if i could say so myself. Don't believe me? Wait till you taste it. If i can impress my grandmother (a great cook in my opinion), i can impress anyone. Heh. So this week, on the menu:

Tuesday: Beef stew with oatmeal biscuits

Wednesday: Risotto with butternut squash and pancetta

Thursday: Pot-roasted beef with potato and horseradish cake

Damn. A lot of work it seems, but i think i can do it, no problem. I've done worse, trust me. And this is good training for the University. If i'm going to stay in hostel, i had better be able to whip up a storm in the kitchens. I won't go hungry that way. Haha.

So that's it for this week i think. 3 dinners this week, maybe another 3 next week. Who knows what i'll cook in a month. And with all the food going down my throat, i had better start exercising too. I'm starting to get fat! The weekly squash matches against a 51-year young man which up to now i still manage to lose horribly is not going to get me my 6-pack or my wings. Hit the gym ivan, hit the gym.

I really am too free these days. I need to get out of the house more. My dad says i'm turning white which is not a good thing in my opinion. I'm getting fat. I sleep for 14 hours a day and i still feel tired. Something is very wrong here so i have to fix it or i'm dead.

Off to the gym!

ORD LOH!!!

2007-11-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

Its kinda late for this post. I took back my i/c on Friday and officially ended my 22 months of bondage on Sunday. Who really cares anyway?

ORD LOH!!!

Enough said.

Back to the business of being a civilian again.

Finally, something which makes some sense..

2007-10-28T23:28:00.000+08:00

I promised i would write about my NS experience and i had better keep my word. After much thought i decided that i'll try to split it up into 3 parts which i consider key milestones or periods in my service tenure. From Trainee to Specialist and finally to Civilian. 3 parts of NS which i consider key. No officer stories here guys, which means its free from the propaganda of SAFTI and OCS and all those monkey-wank places where only the so called 'elite' of our Armed Forces go. This is down and dirty specialist work, which is where i spent most of my time anyway. Sigh. So here goes...

Trainee: In simple terms, these were the most tiring days of my life. Never have i been pushed to my limits so often over such a short period of time. It only took me 8 months to get from a dirty botak chao recruit on the smelly island they called Tekong to the day i proudly donned my chevrons on and promptly gave them up the next day because training at my wing was not officially over. I still vividly remember the day i stepped off the ferry affectionately known as 'The Penguin' and onto that god-forsaken island. Ok, its not really god-forsaken and i still have many good memories of the place. Tekong was the place which began to change me into the person i really am today. Once i was a cocky bastard with a devil-may-care attitude to life. Spending just 3 months there set about the change which i cherish till today. I don't really want to elaborate much about this. Basic discipline, Individual Fieldcraft, Marksmanship, Grenade Throwing, Close Combat Training and Field Camps. All these have to be experienced. Then i went to SISPEC. Another great unknown to me. It was another good experience for me. Met some great people, made some friends and some enemies, got really fit and learnt too many new things. New weapons, tactics and skills. New ways to inflict pain and kill. In SISPEC i learnt what type of person i am. I realised that i just wasn't officer material. I was too laid back and didn't really care much about anything at that time. Oh well. That was SISPEC. Then came my Engineer training phase, which was the worse part of my trainee life. The less sadi about it the better. Just reading my older entries during the period is a reflection of the amount of suffering i felt. I really was glad to have finally finished being a trainee and becoming a full fledged specialist. Of course that was until i got posted to my Unit...

Specialist: Being a specialist really brought me to the realisation that everyone is not equal and that there will always be a disparity between classes in society. My deep seated hate for almost all officers and senior specialists stems from this. In the year i have spent in my company, the number of people of higher rank than me whom i can respect number no more than 5. Its really sad to see yourself and your men doing work in which not only is recognition not given, but recognition taken away to be given to some bootlicker officer or some desperate Specialist who needs some recognition. Its really screwed up. It explains why after awhile i just gave up and refused to work. The only time i managed to escape from this was when i went on courses. Intelligence and Advanced course both lasted a month and those were the best times i had. Besides that, i really enjoyed the time spent with my Pioneers, even though they may have been royal pains in the ass most of the time. On my worst days, their antics just made me crack up and laugh. Sigh. I'm going to miss them alot.

Civilian: Finally the end. It may seem that all the things the Army has taught me comes to naught when its put into the context of civilian life. So what can i take away from NS then? I think that the most important thing i've learnt is how to deal with people. Being in the environment that i work in, one has to manage emotions ranging from pure anger and disappointment to feelings of euphoria in a short space of time. I've learnt that violence doesn't solve everything and that sometimes a human touch is needed to bring out the best in people. I've learnt how to separate personal feelings from work, how to look at things objectively without coming to preconceived conclusions. These aside, the bonds of camaraderie which i have forged over my Army career will keep me going to the end, and i trust that i can and will do well in the future, thanks to what the Army has taught.

Damn it, i'm starting to ramble again. Even as i write this, i can feel an upwelling of emotions which just want to burst. But i am a man and i cannot allow myself to go that far. See, Army teachings at work. Haha. I served the nation and i will continue to serve it till i'm too old. Not that i have much of a choice, but i will do it with a smile either way. I didn't really enjoy my NS, but i will remember what i have learnt and carry it forward with me in the next chapter of my life.

Well, i lied..

2007-10-21T20:40:00.000+08:00

In the previous post is said i would write my feelings about NS in 3 parts. Well, i lied. I'm too lazy to write 3 separate post, so i'm going to condense it all into 1 long post, which i will write up over the next week or so. Hah. Even though i have nothing to do these few days (i've been staying at home watching videos on youtube and watching DVDs), i still feel damn lazy, and i don't know why. I guess that sometimes, less is more. Speaking of which, i have another 14 days left. 10 weekdays and 4 weekends to go till i become civilian and i can shed the colour green for awhile (i'll never buy green shirts again). I hate green, even though it used to be one of my favourite colours. Go ahead and blame the Army.

Yup yup. 14 days and i just can't wait. I must say though, that the Army has been a rather enriching experience for me. I learnt things that i would never learn as a civilian, seen some of the most beautiful places on this tiny little island and met some of the most screwed up and fun people i would ever meet. NS has been an eye-opener for me, i won't deny the fact and for those people who have served, are serving and will be serving the nation, in more ways than one. To those who have served, thank you for setting the precedent, for setting the standards to be followed and the rules to be maintained (though some of them may have been dumb). I'll be joining you guys soon. To those serving, enjoy your service tenure. You'll miss it when you guys are done with it. Trust me. Despite all the shit i've been through wearing green, i'll still cherish those memories where i laughed, smiled and just trashed around with my friends. And finally, to the people who are about to serve. Take it like a man. Army ain't that bad, really. Just serve your time and get on with life. And try to enjoy it along the way. The experience is worth it.

Anyway, keeping to the topic of songs from the previous post, here's something from awhile back. Ok, not really that far back. Hitomi No Jyuunin by L'arc en ciel. I love the melody and the lead singer, Hyde has a fantastic voice (pronounce his name properly, its not Hyde as in "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" rather He-De. You get the idea). Anyway, here's the video. Its a bit funny in the sens ethat the whole thing moves backwards and there is no plot what-so-ever. Haha. Anyway, enjoy it. I know i did.

Yup. Hope you liked it.

i've always lived my life alone/destiny forgotten/but in a sudden light/i awaken in the middle of the night.

Hikari - Light

2007-10-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

My new favourite song. I love the energy that Utada Hikaru exudes when she sings this song. It makes me want to jump up and start dancing and waving my hands in the air like a mad man. Hah. And the meaning behind the lyrics is really deep too. Love it.

Time is running out

2007-10-14T20:49:00.000+08:00

What more is there for me to say these days? Its finally ending and i'm starting to feel it. 21 more days. That's like 3 weeks, 15 working days. And with 14 days of off and about another 4 days of leave left to clear before the 4th, hehe, i don't really have to go back to work anymore. Too bad for FFI, clearance and the bloody range tommorrow. Ah well. At least its ending, that's all that really matters to me now. After that its hibernation time. For 2 months, total inactivity except maybe for the infrequent squash games, nights out or some other activity. Should be fun. Then when the new year begins its time to do a bit of work till i start Uni, hopefully in May. I got a 'lobang' through some of the NSmen i did the course with. Heh. Speaking of which, i was almost best trainee again. Seems like i'm not fated to do exceptionally well in the Army either. Oh well.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Other than for the ORD date, things seem to be coming to another standstill. Once again, i'm being faced by old enemies and old problems. Things i though i had let go of a long time ago are now back again and this time it seems to be back stronger than before. Don't get me wrong, its not that i do not cherish the memories, the company or just the conversations (even though they may seem awkard at times). I actually do enjoy the challenges that face. Its just the after effects of failure that i dread. The feeling of having something almost in your grasp and losing it at the last moment really really really sucks. Come to think of it, i'm kinda used to that feeling. Over the past 4 years of my life since i stepped into college, out of it and into the Army the sinking feeling has come at least 6 times if not more. I don't exactly like it, but yeah. It comes and goes.

Looking at myself in the mirror now, i can't imagine how i turned out this way. A cold and bitter person who sees the dark side of everything. There really is not joy in my life anymore. I have old friends who haven't seen me in ages coming up to me saying that my eyes are just dead and cold. The fire that was once there is no more and it scares them. It scare me to to see what i've become. I feel that i'm chasing my friends away and it hurts to know that these friendships once matter alot to me as a person.

Anyway. So as i come to a close in a stage of my life, the end of National Service, over the next 3 weeks, i'll be giving my take on my experiences through the Army. The good and the bad, from a totally neutral (yeah right) viewpoint. My life as a Recruit, Private Soldier and finally as a Specialist (for all those wannabe officers, go read something else). Hopefully i can give an objective view on National Service as a whole for those fools waiting to enlist to have a rough feel on what it really is like and for those who have already served to reminiscent on their past memories. Yeah. Big undertaking here so i'll do my best.

I just thought about it. How's she doing now. Haven't seen her for ages. I think its time i plucked up some courage and asked her out or something.

Just when i thought it would be safe...

2007-10-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

Here goes, another update. 4 weeks to ORD. Can't bloody hell wait for it to come. 28 days seems like a long way to go. 28 days later.. haha. Hopefully i don't turn into a zombie by then. Still have 3 more days of trainee life, range, ippt and clearance to go before that big day when i become a civilian once again, when i can step out of camp and say,"Hey i've done my part of the nation, now its your turn." Seeing the kind of lives the NSmen live make me really envious of them. But anyway, till that day i still have to behave myself lest i get charged just before i ORD. Wouldn't want anything like that to happen. I'll be a good soldier form now on. I promise.

Sigh. I've been wondering. What changes a person? Had this MSN converstaion with a friend today. And frankly, i felt quite pissed about it. Does answering a simple question and a little probing with some humor rolled into it warrant a kick in the balls? I think not, but obviously this friend thinks otherwise. Sheesh. To think we talked about brotherhood and all that crap and when i try to be helpful i get this? If not for CCC right now i would have shouted the guy down. And he thinks he's all that. Whatever man. Go and lead your life and earn your millions. All i can say is that you'll never be happy with an attitude like that.

Anyway, moving on. Euro trip doesn't seem to be happening anymore. All the hype for nothing. Now where does that leave me? My parents think its ok for me to skip the trip with my uncle at the end of november cos i'm going back again next year. How to tell them its off? Even they seem excited about the prospect of me going over, which rarely happens, because they're never really excited over anything i do. I'm pissed off. I thought i learnt to control it, but these days my temper just keeps getting worse. I even blew up at my instructor the other day when he tried to put me down over some of the work i was doing. The bloody old man. Moving on. I'm disappointed with the things going on right now. I guess its off now. No point brooding over it. Maybe i just have to look for other peeps to travel down south. That would be fun.

Just the other day, i received a random message asking me if i was working. Unfortunately, i was or i would have jumped on the opportunity that it presented. Sigh. i let my defenses down for that instant and all the memories just came flooding back. I almost fell back to the time when it was at its worse, when i knew it couldn't work out. This time it felt a little different, but i've become too cautious. I caught myself at the last moment or i would have just fallen back to obvlivion. I realised that old feelings die hard and love dies even harder. I'm not cut out for this i guess. My lifes a mess right now and i don't really want to talk about it.

Every Little Thing

2007-09-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

I had actually thought about writing a post just to muse about my NS experience, but i decided not to. The only thing i can say is, well, 5 weeks to ORD. Nuf said. Really. It has been quite a ride and i'm glad its ending at last. Finally, back to being a plain old civilian. 3SG (NS) Ivan Tan is coming back to the real world. Hah.

Nice. Planning for the Europe trip has started in earnest. Did a bit of research over the weekend, its going to cost a bloody bomb! Just train rides alone cost at least 500 bucks. Not to mention air fare, accom, expenses and stuff. I'm budgeting 3.5k for it. Hopefully its enough.

Oh well.

Recently, a friend of mine has been complaining to me about his dreams of his ex. Being who i am, i would just laugh it off saying that he should go get his head checked. But thinking more about it, i actually think i'm worse than him. I can't stop thinking of her, even though it has been so long since we last met and talked. She's moved on but yet somewhere inside me i hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe something could turn out right for once. I know its really stupid of me to say this, but deep down inside, she's there and she will be there always. I've supressed my feelings for so long that i'm afraid i've forgotten what its like to really care for someone. I rememeber almost every little thing she has done for me. Her smile, the way she talks, the way she carries herself. It is all imprinted in my heart.

No. I mustn't let my guard down. I must not allow myself to turn down that path again, unless i'm really sure that it would not lead to heartbreak. I choose my paths.

The many pathways to oblivion.

2007-09-23T20:40:00.000+08:00

As of today, 6 weeks to ORD. Any other talk about the army will leave me depressed so i'll stop here. Just looking forwrad to that day, 6 weeks from now. It comes to a close.

Met jean, ching and KP for dinner yesterday, and i must say i had loads of fun. Dinner at Botak Jones was nice. Who cares about the waiting time, just a slong as you're having fun, and spending time with good company. Though most of the talk revolved around the Army (sorry Jean), we did manage to talk about other things too. About old times, our plans after Army and just plain old bitching. Gleaned some info from the talk which i thought would be interesting but i decided about it a long time ago and i'm not going back on my word no matter what. Who knows how things could have changed since then. After all, when it comes to these things, i'm usually the last to know and i always feign ignorance so who knows. Yah. After dinner we went to watch a movie. Thanks to KP and his driving skills, i managed to get back home in one piece at the amazingly early time of 2am. Anyway, it was really a great night. Time spent with friends beats almost everythign there is on earth. Then today, i watched a play with my parents. It was really funny and i really enjoyed myself. This weekened is actually turning out to be quite ok, so yeah. A few more days like these 2 and i'll be quite a happy person.

Wondering why the title of this post sounds so dark and gloomy despite my apparently bouyant mood? Just spending some time thinking over the past few days has left me quite stumped. I used to pride myself with knowing what i want in life. Like when i was in Secondary school, i wanted to be the best, i wanted to be a doctor. However, now? I don't even know what i want with life. I want so many things but i know that i'm not getting any of them. I have lofty dreams where things are all perfect. My perfect life? Recognition from those people who i care for. As of now, i wonder if anyone cares. I'm a failure as what i look at it. My closet friends are on scholarships, overseas studying and doing fantastically well in school. I'm envious to know that they will always be the centre of attention, that almost everything will be served to them on a silver platter. And all i can look forward to? A mediocre life where i have to struggle for every single thing i want. I have terrifying visions that i'll ultimately end up as someone's bootlicker, dog or ball-carrier. And knowing the person i am, i can't live with it.

I'm not at a crossroads, i'm at the end of the line. This track, as far as i know, has only 1 pathway, and that pathway is to the oblivion of everything i hold dear and everything i want to be. I don't want to be the centre of attention, but i just want people to take notice of who i am and what i'm actually capable of.

Something about..

2007-09-16T20:15:00.000+08:00

Somehow or rather, things are starting to seem a little better these days. Sounds crazy but its kinda true. I'm starting to find my place. Well, maybe not fully, but yeah. Its getting somewhere and i'm quite happy with the progress. Lol. What am i saying. Seriously speaking, i still feel like shit. Its a feeling that comes and goes. Its there most of the time yeah.

Sigh. Anyway, back to business. 7 weeks. =) 7 weeks. Only 7 more friggin weeks and i can finally take off the green for at least maybe the next 4 or 5 years. Then again, i still have to do my IPPT every year, but who cares? I have the incentive to do it so i'm not complaining. less than 50 days to my ORD. It will be a day of joyous celebration. I'm really tired now, really am. All the beauracatic tape which has to be cut, all the bullying and the fear of being cahrged for the slightest mistakes. Gone all, all gone. It is then replaced by the feeling of freedom. Freedom from the Army, freedom from regimentation, freedom from everything which any guy in his right mind wouldn't want to do. Its been 2 wasted years and it now ends. Great. But then again, what am i going to do after i ORD? I haven't really thought about it.

Didn't touch WoW for the whole weekend. An achievement towards my goal of finally breaking the habit once and for all. To tell you guys the truth, i found WoW really entertaining and it was there when i was really down. But somehow i feel that it has partially contributed to my current state. I'm lonely, i really am. Who exactly are my friends? Somehow i feel that most of them come with strings attached, like if u don't do this or you don't do that, you're not cool so you lose a friend. Sigh. I'm tired of this. I just can't keep it up anymore. I really have to stop.

There i've said it. And i admit it. I'm tired and i'm lonely. It feels cold, just so cold being me, locked up in an ice palace just like the Snow Queen in Hans Christian Andersen's book.

Who will be my Gerda?

Heaving sighs

2007-09-09T21:15:00.000+08:00

ok, i take back waht i said the other day. Fine, Nee Soon camp still sucks big time, but at least the people aren't that bad. I'm refering to the NSFs and not regulars. I hate them still. At least the NSFs are a good source of entertainment and fun. Haha. 4 and a half weeks more to the end of course, then i can start to really enjoy the ORD mode i so crave these days. Ah well. 8 is the magic number now. 8 more weeks. The feeling is already there and its starting to eat me up slowly.

Enough Army, let's get on with life.

I've been doing a bit of looking through of laptops to get a feel on what i want to use in the Uni. And my mind is almost made up. I want a MacBook Pro. Yep. The computer that cost nearly 5k. Crazy u may say. Yeah, but i want an iPhone too. They are just too sweet to not want, no matter what others say. Haha. But i've got to start saving up my cash now cos i'll have to pay 50% by myself. Oh well. Sorry guys, no more drinks at Brewerkz for awhile, and don't expect me to pay your sorry asses out during meals, unless of course you want to donate to 'Buy Ivan his Apples Fund'. Haha. Spur of the moment.

On another note about computers, i think i just amy stop wowing once my bro goes back to the UK. Sorry Miah, but this time i'm quite serious about it. I don't see the point in playing much of it anyway and i just don't feel like playing more. Kind of weird considering that i'm trying to get more people to play. Maybe that's the reason, it doesn't seem as much fun playing the game anymore. And i'm not a hardcore gamer so it has to stop some time. Besides, the $25 a month could go a ways for the above-mentioned fund. Heh.

Anyway, there were some decisions i made over the week that i fear i amy eventually regret. I hope i don't though. I don't really want to say what it is about, but i'm just hoping that things will turn out fine.

Ah sigh. That's my life. A joke as far as i can tell. Somehow things don't go the way i want and even when they do, i don't notice it. Is the the beginning of something new? Or is it just the end of this long and painful journey i've had to go through.

Shine on

2007-09-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

Sigh. My 2 weeks of leave went by in a flash. Now its back to work for me for the next 6 weeks at least. Argh. Full of shit. The course i'm attending now is really a piece of shit. Why? 1) The course syllabus is really boring, at least till the 3 week, then it starts getting fun. 2) The accomodation and food sucks to the core, and when i thought that food in Seletar was bad, i forgot about Nee Soon food. And the bunks, OMG! 3) The people attending the course are really no fun, unlike when i went for Int. And finally, 4) Its a bloody stay in course, which means i lose all the freedom which i hold so dear. Its just a stroke of luck that i got to book out today. SIGH!!

Ah, oh well. At least i only have 9 weeks left to serve before i become a civilian again. But 9 weeks seem so long, especially when you are not having fun. SIGH.

After enduring 20 months of crap, its finally coming to an end. Full of highs and lows (more lows really), i hate to say it, but the Army has left a deep impression on me. Good or bad, it really doesn't matter. The Army has given me an insight on to how a real life organisation works. And frankly speaking, i'm quite afraid to go out into the working world. If the Army is a benchmark that it is supposed to be, i rather not be out there working cos its really gonna suck.

For now at least, Uni life seems like the safest and best place to be, but if what the girls are saying is to be believed, it may suck too.

There are too many uncertainties in life. And life is too short to go about worrying about all of them. But it kinda sucks, especially when you care too much about the things which will never work out. But still i care, though i haven't learnt not to allow them to affect me anymore. Its been almost a year since things really started to turn inside out for me. Even so, things haven't really settled down into what i feel comfortable with. When i thought that time would heal all wounds, time has somehow started t make some of these wounds rot and the effect is really not very pretty. The past year has seen the darker side of me and has also brought out the best. It goes to show that i am actually capable of being a nice guy when i try to be one.

Ah. Ok i think that's enough for today. I've got to get back to camp tommorrow morning for another week of crap and shit. 9 more weeks seems like a short time. The light is getting brighter now.

Maybe, perhaps.. No Way.

2007-08-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

Yeah, i kniow, its been awhile since i wrote anything really productive down on the blog. Too many things going on in my mind. Come to think of it, the real reason i haven't blogged for that long is cos i have nothing to write, or maybe i can't pen my thoughts down in an effective way anymore. Those people who have been reading my blog cannot help but notice that i tend to get all emo and stuff when i write, and i know it must be a pain for you all but i can't help it. Its just the way i am. Ah well, here goes..

Its almost time for me to leave the Army. Currently i'm on leave for 2 weeks. Yup, i'm so free that i don't even know what to do these days. So naturally, as there is no one to go out with, WoW and the telly take preference over all. Embarassingly enough, i sat through 24 hrs worth of Korean Dramas and i kinda enjoyed it. It was one of those shows that once you start, you can't seem to stop. I was hooked. Lol. But it was really nice and the ending (though quite stupid) was also quite touching. And it does take quite a bit to make me feel touched or to show much emotion these days. Sometimes i wish things could happen like they do on the telly. It all seems so good. But alas things like that will never happen, not to me at least. Because of what i am, what i have done and how i have chosen to live, i have denied myself the fairytale ending. It may seem gay or whatever coming out from a guy, but everyone has the right to dream. I'm going back on what i have said before, because i have realised that a person cannot do without dreams. Life without drteams of the future cannot be considered life at all. It would just be an empty husk. Sigh. Dreams are not for wimps. Dreams are for those who dare to make a difference in the lives of not only themselves but those around them.

Had 2 tickets for the fireworks festival last friday, and being the kind of guy that i am, i had no one to bring. Nothing new. So i happened to ask around my friends if anyone wanted them. To my suprise (really), she said she would take them for her parents and wanted to meet me. I was taken aback for an instant as all those feelings came rushing back like a flood. The walls and barriers i had so painstakingly set up over the months came crashing down in an instant. What was i to say or do? It was really uncomfortable for me. But yeah, anyway, i went on with the meeting and things went alright. We sat down, talked, laughed, just like old times. And all that time it just felt good. For that short 45mins, it felt like frankly like the movies. Old friends meeting up etc. Sigh. I don't think i shld write about this anymore, i don't want to get swept away in the torrent of mixed feelings and emotions just right now. Anyway, for what its worth, thanks.

Ok. So there, an update on my sad and boring life. If things became like the movies, wouldn't it be just great?

Loneliness is the hardest to bear.

Before its too late

2007-08-07T22:12:00.000+08:00

Its been quite awhile since i last posted. Well, i've been busy (with the wrong things) so what do you expect? Its come to a point in time when things now seem to be all that much brighter. 2 more days till NDP (my Saturdays at last!), 3 months to ORD and 2 more weeks till i go on leave. I can't wait. Anyway, i've been ok recently. Nothing much to bother me, except maybe the sudden shocks which take some time to settle in but other than that i'm more or less fine. Things seem to be that much easier when you take the time to detach yourself from your feelings for others and just be selfish for a bit. I guess that us humans were made to be selfish. It just is that much easier when you do things your own way without having to care for another's feelings.

And this is the part that scares me. Really, it does. I am slowly starting to become an unfeeling monster. Its like, yeah i knew i made a vow of sorts to become something like that, but now all i feel is a coldness that surprises and troubles me deeply. Its like i've changed so much that even i don't believe that i could possibly change that much. Yeah well, i have changed and not for the better it seems. I thought that i could handle it, i was wrong. Now i'm in a mess again, this time its by my own doing which makes things even worse. How does 1 fight against himself and hope to come out unscathed? Who knows? Ah well, looks like another period of soul searching for me. Back to the drawing board...

Ah.. Was thinking of something just now, but i can't seem to remember what i wanted to write. Oh well.. me and my short term memory. Why do some guys always get lucky with girls, but i seem to be always in the dumps? Are my standards too high or am i just an ugly bum with no character and with a shitload of problems on my back? Or maybe its because its just not meant to be...

Stand your ground

2007-07-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

I promised a post, and well, here it is. Its been awhile since i have had the time to really sit down and write some thing, and since i'm off today and i've been exposed to be a really horrible tank, maybe its time i focused my thoughts and typed them down. Well, there really have alot of things going on with me. Some of them have been rather pleasant while others have been well, not so pleasant. Sigh. And that is just how life is, ups and downs and all around, your world crashing all around you and the feeling of ultimate power, invincibility of oneself. That's life. Sigh.

Ok, first things first. Army. Just 110 more days till the big ORD date and i just can't wait. Its the feeling of freedom which i long. A break from wearing green, playing politics with people who don't understand it, lowering myself to the level of people who are sub-par on the IQ level and the hard-nosed bastards that inhabit my office. I mean, shit, i'm having to act as though i am a retard in order to survive in that screwed up place. Its just so demeaning. I'm not made for this sort of things. When i was asked by my OC to consider extending my service tenure just last week, i gave him a stare and said, "Sir, do i look that stupid? Maybe it hasn't occured to you that i've been applying for numerous courses just so that i can get out of the office. Take a look around, sir. Do you think anyone in his right mind would want to stay in a shit-hole like this? If you could clean it up in 2 months i'll still consider your offer, but i think you wouldn't be able to do it." With that i just walked out of his office. I said it at the top of my voice when all the warrants were around, and all the senior specs too. I'm not proud to have done that but i guess that it had to be done. People have to start realising that the world is changing and that the Army is not moving along with it. I don't know about other units but mine seems to be stuck somewhere between a 1.5 and 2 G army. They seem to get along by bullying NSFs, taking their anger and frustrations out on us and making life a hell. Talk about an NS experience. Know i know why only guys have to serve. Because if you asked a girl to do it, i figure that there would be that much more crazy people in the SAF ward of IMH.

Enough about that shit hole. On a more personal note, other than for the shit i get from the army, i'm feeling pretty good about things. I received a message from her the other day. I looked at it and smiled. I haven't smiled like that for awhile, but i did. I actually felt good about it. I still have it on my phone and well, it does perk me up on some days. It does bring back certain memories which i have been trying to push back, but i guess that i would have to face them one fo these days. Why not now? So yeah. I'm starting to do things which i have never done before. Like shit man, you've got to live life to enjoy it. My self-esteem is starting to be built back slowly. My defences, my armour, my shroud of mystery have started to seem impentratable again. Its like going back to the old days when i had a devil-may-care attitude to life. There are still times when i'm vulnurable too, and that's the difference from back then. It should work itself out in the end, i'm pretty sure of it. Let's just wait and see how events unfold.

Sometimes i wish that i could just say more. There are times when i wish things were back as they were. But alas, it can't be the same again. I've changed and those around me have changed alot too. I see things differently now. I can't see the silver lining but i can see the darker shadows creeping in at the edges of things, the hidden agendas and the power-plays which we unknowingly play on each other. Its these things which make me more weary. Every step, evry move is a calculated one, weighing the pros and cons, the losses and the gains. Its not that simple anymore. We're not kids. As much as i hate to say it, my childhood ended when i enlisted. NS has changed me. The experiences, both personal and not so personal have forced me into what i am today. The feelings i felt, the pain i've been through only serves to make me stronger. I'm kinda tired right now. It is just so draining to keep living this lie. I'm really not like that. Circumstances have forced me into it. To hate, to close my doors to other people, to feel that love is just superficial, one night stands and the likes. Is that really how i want to lead my life? Simple. No. I want a good life, i want a simple life. I just want to be myself and not what others want me to be.

From the latest harry potter movie, " The more i play, the more i care. The more i care, the more i stand to lose."

What to write?

2007-07-09T21:50:00.000+08:00

I've got so many things to say right now. Just so many thoughts cluttered in my head, but i can't write them down. Am i starting to lose the gift of writing crass all the time? I guess that maube cause i got too little time to really compose my thoughts. So anyway, i promise a post soon, maybe on the weekend. Sigh. So much going on right now, where to even begin...

What?

2007-07-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

I don't blog twice a day, but there i just some stuff i've got to say.

Why do some guys get all the luck with the girls, and i don't? It seems that no one wants to go out when i ask them to, but when some othe rguy ask them out, its no problem, ready steady go. Sigh. What have i done wrong? What am i doing wrong?

Looks to me like i'm off to a great start.

Huh?

2007-07-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

Ignore the title. I can't think of anything else to name the post so the 'Huh?'. Ok, for once i shall not rant about how screwed up the army is. The less said the better. Anyway, 4 more months to ORD. I just can't wait.

It seems that recently, i haven't been talking much to people about things going on with my life. And when they ask me about it, i can only give them vague answers. Ah well, the change seems to be coming over me now and its not going to stop. However, this seems to be leading to a freezing of certain relationships with people who used to play a large role in my life. And on top of that other things seem to be getting in the way of things. Figures. I know she's in a nice relationship now and i'm actually quite happy for her. I hope it works out for her this time. Bet he's the guy that i will never be. Oh well.

Swearing off getting attached is a really hard thing to do. In order to stay true to yourself, you've got to really detach yourself from things, especially when things start to get more, how would you put it, intimate? Sigh. Yup. At times things life seems that much more lonelier, especially when you see your friends with their partners, well it kind of sucks. Think of it as getting a low blow when you least expect it (ok, maybe not). That's just life. Full of low blows and all the monkey junk that screws around with your mind. But the difference between guys and gals is that for some reason or other, they just keep moving on. They sit down, make a decision and go. It may seem that guys are dense and stuff like that, and some of them act like sissies, in the end what matters the most is that we can just carry on doing what we enjoy.

Looking back at the past few years of my life, i see a whole load of trash along the paths that i have walked. I have screwed peoples lives up and have caused much headaches to those around me. The people who stood by me and the people who mocked me, they are still there. The people who hurt me, even in the most innocent ways they still can be called friends in a sense. As much as i hate to use the word, we've got to soldier on through the good times and the bad. Treasure the good, learn from the bad, don't make the same mistakes again.

Anyway, its been ages since i've lasted spoken to her. When i told her i needed my space, she gave it to me. Now, i think i need to normalise relationships with not only her, but with so many other people as well. Time i took the step out to face the world for what it really is.

40 years of BS... And still counting

2007-07-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

If you haven't realised yet, today was SAF (serve and fuck-off) day. Like i really give a damn anyway. And to those smart enough, BS stands for bullshit. Yes, the organisation known as the SAF turns 40 and personally, i'm rather suprised that it actually still exist today. Seeing how inefficient, archaric and useless it is, super big surprise. Come to think of it, as a serving serviceman at the current moment, i would say that this is one of the most 'down' moments in my life. Sigh. Personally i feel that the SAF is a really toothless military which would not do a very good job in the defense of the nation. Like so many other government organisations, i find that the beauracratic red tape and social pecking order doesn't help in anyway. I can't wait to get out. Seriously.

I'm really very tired and sick. Tired because i'm drained, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sick because i keep getting pushed around. Sick because my life is being controlled by a group of loud-mouthed, aggressive and plain retarded individuals who feel that they shouldn't work and that there will always be people who are there to clean the mess after them. This has to stop. I've never really held the thought of coming up with excuses just to stay away from work, but somehow, i'm slowly being driven to it. As much as i hate it, it seems that i have no choice.

Fuck the Army, fuck the SAF. Thanks for ruining my life.

Countdown begins...

2007-06-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

129 absolute days to go. That is 18 more weeks, 4 more months. Till i see my pink i/c. Being a guy and stuff, pink really isn't my colour, but come the 4th of Novemeber, pink is going to be the most beautiful colour in the world. If you don't know what i'm refering to, how long does it get to Mars and back? Anyway, i can't wait to ORD. The army is starting to drain me of every single bit of energy i can muster. Day in and day out, the daily drudgery of work is starting to wear me out. Well, its not very often that i wake up in the morning and the first words on my mind are, "Fuck, not again." I'm serious. Its really weird and i've been getting the feeling for quite awhile now. They say its premature "I want to ORD" mood, but i still have 4 more bloody months to serve. It usually rears its head in the last 2 months before that, but for me, its almost double the time. I'm looking for ways to skive at work, thinking of more and more reasons for me to take off days, just to get out of the office. Its a shitty feeling, really when it has to come to this. NS is supposed to be an experience for all young men, but to me, it just seems like a friggin chore. Speaking about chores, when it comes down for me to write a CV, i think i can add the following job experiences 1) Cleaning and digging drains 2) clearing rubbish down at Marina Bay 3) Washing vehicles 4) topping up vehicles with petrol 5) cleaning up other people's mess. That's just a few bits of shit that i have to take nowadays. I wonder if it was the right choice for me to choose an admin post after graduating. I would have done much better in ops.

Sigh, enough about army. I think i'm going to stop playing WoW very soon. After spending the day yesterday not touching the computer at all, i've finally come to realise how much of the rael world i've been missing. Its like, yeah, WoW has been one of the best games i've palyed in awhile, but it really isn't an excuse for me to totally neglect my social life. Sheesh, for crying out loud, when iw ent down to Vivocity to do a little shooping yesterday, i felt like i was back on Mars. Its totally unreal to not know your way around the shops, and the decision making process becomes all the more difficult when the biggest decision you last made was whether to upgrade to BC or not. Its really a crappy feeling. And when i got a can of whoop ass from my dad on the squash court, the humiliation was complete. So that's it. When my subscription ends in july, i'm going off the hook, more or less for good (hopefully). I'm stopping MMORPGs. They really kill the mind, in their own insidious ways.

Then again, i'm really looking forward to Uni, even though its still more than a year away. Its like the light at the end of the tunnel (maybe the girls would like to differ, they only see it as another stepping stone to becoming old fat and ugly). I'm pretty set that iw ouldn't want to screw up my Uni life, so i'm going to take things easy. Try to work hard for 3 years, do the honours year, get a good honours then out to the working world where hopefully i achieve some bloody success for once. While studying, some rugby would be nice. I realised that though you may stop playing, you never really get it out of your life. Rugby IS for life, and rugby IS a family. It just seems so much easier on the pitch, man-on-man. A battle of wits and a little savagery, but at the end of the day, opponents drink to each others success and no grudges are borne. If only life was that simple, wouldn't it be great.

Well, i've come out stronger. I'm not so easily phased by problems of the heart anymore, cause maybe i've lost my capacity to care for someone other than for myself. Its turned rock hard and i've set my mind and body against it. Yeah. Somehow it feels good to put on the armour again to face what the world can throw at you. I've made mistakes before, i learn from them and i hopefully don't make them again.

Its been awhile

2007-06-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

Well, its been what, 3 weeks since i last posted. I guess that i've been neglecting things for awhile. Things have been going ok, other than for the random outbursts of madness and emo-ness, things seem to be looking on the upswing. Forget about the Army, NDP and all the other monkey crap, on a whole, i actually feel rather good, for the first time in a long time. When i peel away the layers of shit which have covered me since god knows when, and examining it meticulously, i try to realise what i've done wrong, and how i'm not going to do it again. The main issue must have been my pathetic attempts at trying to get something which was never there in the first place. I realised that i built up my life around what i wanted it to be and not what is actually is. And when things don't turn out the way i want them to, i end up becoming all moody and dark and stuff. That is when things start to get ugly, for not only me but for the people around me. For putting up with the shit i dish out, thanks for being there (well, some of you guys are still out there taking my shit, but others, well, the less said the better).

In a previous post, i mentioned 'cold, cruel and efficient'. I think i'm starting to become that cold emotionless person i once was. Turning back into the monster of the past. I've stopped believing in dreams. Somehow, dreams just don't cut it anymore. I'm turning 20 in a few months time and its time i let go of those childish dreams. I figured over the past weeks that dreams don't come true, dreams only happen well, in dreams and no where else. Yes, you may argue that dreams are what drives a person to succeed, that dreams make humans what we are. Fools i tell you. We are all just fools to believe in dreams. Dreams happen when we sleep. In dreams we can fly, we always get the girl we want, we can do virtually anything, until they become nightmares. Nightmares are when these dreams come crashing to the ground, like the one i've been living in for the past 3 and a half years. I think that time is enough. I've stopped believing in dreams. The only thing that drives me now is my desire to show others how wrong they were to put me down adn how wrong they were to ignore me. It's kinda like revenge, only its not that sinister. The day i take my cert out of the Uni, with a big first class honours, getting a good job in a nice company, become successful in my everyday life, then i'll take it up to my detractors, smack it in their faces and just laugh. To those people who snubbed me, let's just say you not be expecting any favours from me then. Don't worry, i can forgive people, but i never forget.

What am i saying? I have no idea, its just how i feel. Anyway, moving on..

There comes a time when you know you've got to let go. Its time i let go of all the excess baggage in my life. I've let go most of it already, but there still are the little niggliy things at the back of my mind which pop out ever so often and kick me in the ass. Ah what can i say, life is screwed. But what would life be if not for all the little fuck-ups? would it even be called a life at all? Most probably not.

Too slow

2007-06-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

5 more months. Just 5 more months and i'll be free from the army. Free from my shackles and free to lead my life the way i want it to be. Well, there is always light at the end of a tunnel right? But this time the light seems just that much further away then normal... Sigh. After spending 17 months in the Army, you would have thought that i would get use to all the shit in it. Wrong. You never get over all the shit you've been through in the Army, cos it never stops coming. Somehow, things get more difficult as you go along. As you start having to play politics, as you start having to backstab people to ensure you're own survival. As much as i hate doing it, it has to be done. Self-preservation is the name of the game here. Anyways, whatever the case, i'll not be extending my service in the Army. Totally no chance of that ever happening, even though the pay may seem rather attractive at this point in time. It really isn't worth all the shit i'll have to go through so no way.

NDP rehearsals are starting to kick into high gear. And i'm kinda worried for the next course cos many things are still not done yet. Indentments etc etc. All the crap. Worse thing is that due to NDP, i don't really have the time to do anything much. Let's see, as of now, i've found sort of a new lease of life. I'm going out more often, playing less computer (even though i've hit level 60), and trying to get on with life acepting things for what they are. These activities seem to be helping me get over the troubles of the past week yet i do not have the time to indulge in them. Instead all i get is beaten back down with all the shit loads of work people can throw at you. Like as though shit is free. Nothing is free in the world. Can't wait for NDP to end, then i can start getting my life back. With all my weekends starting to get burned, its going to be hard for me to get fully back on my feet. I'll be down for a bit longer than i like but what has to be must be done. Just got to survive the next 5 months. Too slow though, too slow.

Sigh. So this is what it means to be part of the 'greatest show on earth'. Greatest? Bollocks! More like the shittiest. I don't understand how some people can enjoy this sort of crap, year in year out. It feels like a tremendous waste of time, money and effort, for seemingly no tangible returns. Ah well, it just keeps getting better and better. After spending 3 nights building bridges down at Marina, its time for me to gte back to work on this stupid national event. It really is a waste of time, considering that i'm rehearsing for just 2 minutes of show time. and it takes 3 months for rehearsals? I think i may just lose it soon. Yeah. I need someone to break my leg so i can get 3 months MC. That will make me a really happy camper.

Thanks alot

2007-05-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

From jean's blog:

during dinner, as ivan was just opposite me, i became the most convenient source for him to rant to. for the entire time, he was mostly looking down (pun intended). there are many things i would really love to tell you ivan. during dinner you also mentioned something about change which i’ll briefly mention. but because i’m not comfortable with telling it face to face, and it probably wouldn’t have much effect that way either, here it is in writing:

it is somewhat nice (for lack of a better word) for us girls to know that a guy likes you. and yes, it can be sweet if he has liked you for a long time. unfortunately it is not always mutual and reciprocated, and again unfortunately the guys have to bear the brunt and embarrassment of rejection. (it’s not like we enjoy rejecting too yeah..) and when we do say no, we mean it (one of the rare times that a woman means it when she says no), so we’d really like to help you to get over us and move on and find someone else better. so when it seems like you haven’t, and you keep asking and trying again, but it will always be that same answer you will get, it becomes irritating and annoying. perhaps in some situations and manner, she might have given you false hope or suggested something otherwise, but like you said, now things have changed. the situation is different now as compared to then, and i hope you will take this as the final answer. as we grow older, we are bound to meet people along the way and find partners. remaining as friends is always a possible alternative, but it won’t work out when you want it to be more than ”just friends”, because we remain distant and wary because we know you are still not over it.

i hope what i’ve just said speaks for most girls, meaning her included. give it a thought, and set your mind on a final decision, and follow it hard, and looking ahead in achieving other things in life..like establishing a career ie. getting a good degree with honours. yeah? you can do it ivan. you need to set those goals, and look to attaining them. maybe in this way, you’d be your “cold, cruel and efficient” old self again, but more importantly confident and successful, yeah?

Well, just want to say thanks. It may not seem like much, but at least now i understand. Its time i stopped brooding over her and just got on with my life. Listening to Firmin and reading what you wrote knocked some sense back into me. Thanks a million guys.

The Kill

2007-05-27T00:39:00.001+08:00

The Kill, basically is about the 2 sides of a person. One side wants to move on with life, start afresh and carry on. The other wants to hold on to the past. Its about the struggles faced by a person who just wants to move on, but the past keeps cathing up with him. Kinda like what i'm going through now. Anyway, hate it or like it, here's the video. I like the song, but the video kinda sucks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF1wZQzpeKA

The friggin thing still doesn't allow me to show the video properly. Sorry for the link again. Maybe its just that i'm too computer illiterate that's why it doesn't allow me to do it properly. The computer hates me. Oh well.

Dead ends

2007-05-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

Its funny how things come to an end. They always leave an after taste at the back your mind, like the taste you get from drinking too much coke and not washing your mouth out. It somehow sucks, but at the same time it gives that sweet taste once in awhile, when you least expect it. The way things are, i think i'm finished. I haven't exactly been the best guy around, but i tried, i really did. I'm a bad person, a bad son and a bad friend.

Had dinner with some of the councillors yesterday. As usual, i pulled a long face and generally spoilt everyone's mood for the rest of the evening. To those people who tried to help me out last night, and for plain listening to me rant on and on like a drunkard, thanks a million. You guys rock! Ben and Miah, you guys still crack me up somehow. All your bloody crazy antics can make any guy's day, no matter how fucked up its turning out to be. Jean, somehow you just kept listening to my ranting. Thanks. It may not have seen like much but at least that prevented me from killing someone with my steak knife. And lastly, Charissa, for organising the dinner. No doubt you screwed it up a bit, but you're forgiven, cause you gave the opportunity to just plain hang out.

Today, i met up with my bro and Firmin for lunch in camp. I thought KP was going to pay for lunch but i eneded up paying for the lot. Kinda gay, but its ok. Its nice to meet up with friends for a meal and stuff. So KP came late and i had a nice long talk with Firmin. Talked about a whole load of things. And after talking to him, i realised something about myself. All those self-esteem test we used to take back in sch, saying things that i have high self-esteem and stuff? All utter bullshit! I realised that i really hated myself. I don't hate anyone at the moment, and i'm not pissed with anyone other than myself. I hate the person i've become, a shade of my past when i used to stand tall in the crowd. Nowadays, i just cower in my corner, buried in self pity and in a constant state of self loathing. And when i look at this i think, how the hell did i turn out like this? I used to be so.. different. I used to hold my head high and walk about. I used to be able to deal with my problems, i used to be effective and efficient. I've started to whine about everything. I can't handle my problems and i have lost my cutting edge, the edge that made me the best before.

I long for days long past. I long for the days when i was known as being cold cruel and efficient. I hated it back then, but it seems that that was when i was the happiest. Really. Just me being cold, cruel and efficient.

Over My Head

2007-05-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

I've got so much going through my head right now that i think i'm heading for an overload. Its just that there are so many issues which seem to be bugging me these days. Work, family and friends among other things. So this post is going to be super random, full of random rants and thoughts, just a way for me to dump it all out (like dumping rage using Execute). Here goes...

Let's start with work. Here i am, 5 and half months to the day i rejoin the civilian world. Less than 150 days and i'll be there. It seems like a short time but in actual fact, i'm starting to feel the pinch now. So close yet so far. and my workload. The less said about it the better. NDP, BPCC and AESC all coming up before the 4th of November. Its a s crazy as it sounds. This is really going to drain me of a hell lot of my time and energy, so excuse me if i turn all zombie-ish when the going gets tough. I have been going zombie very much more often recently and i don't really enjoy it. A whole load of other factors come into play but generally, its work that causes the worst of it.

Next, family. All of s sudden, it seems that my whole family is against me. As stated in an earlier post, it all boils down to money and the way i spend it. Sometimes i feel that i can never meet my parents expectations of me. I haven't exactly been the perfect son (that would be my older brother) and have let everyone down in more ways than one. It feels like i'm not needed and that i'm the black sheep. The son who should just stay away. A mistake in a family full of perfection. Me on the other hand? Less than perfect, educational screw up and pain in the ass. No wonder everytime i open my mouth to my parents, all i get is a shelling which leaves me in a black mood for the rest of the day, cooping myself up in my room draining my life away on the notebook. Explains the reason why i want to get out of the house so much during my Uni days so that i can just concentrate on what i need to do rather than having to worry about what others think of me all the time.

Friends. Do i have any? Did i have any? It seems more and more that my only friend is turning out to be my notebook and WoW. Its easy to be cool online where anonimity is king. But in real life? Again, i'm a failure. The friends i made in college, in school all seem to be fair-weather ones. They are there when the takings are good, when there is fun to be had. But when you really need them, where are they? Are they going to be there when you are at the point of self-destruction? Or are they just going to say, " Oh sorry, i'm busy, can't talk right now." or better yet " Umm, yeah ok sure i'll be there" but when its tme to be there, there will always be another excuse to be had. Tuition, dinner, concert to attend, a new lover. So due to this lack of real friends, its only normal to turn to those that a) will always be there b) don't talk back and c) help pass the time when there's no other good option. This in turn leads to what i call 'Self-Destruction' of nearly everything else in your life. You become a social vegetable, afraid of the Sun and town become as foreign as Timbuktu.

I've covered the 3 main issues i'm facing right now. There are other issues which i find rather redundant to discuss. i'm sure you guys are tired reading of my failed this and that. After all, its expected of one like me. rant and repeat the same mistakes all over again, especially when it comes to the girls. I'm a sucker for it and i hate to admit it, but i don't think i'll ever learn. Its just some stupid thing programmed in me. Why do i care so much about people who generally don't care if i'm even still alive. Sigh. Life sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Or is it getting better and i just can't see it becoming so?

I Close My Eyes

2007-05-19T23:27:00.001+08:00

Remember something i wrote last year, just after i got my A level results (the screwed up piece of shit). It was lyrics to a jap song that i heard and i really liked. Well, it so happened that i watched a movie with the song as its theme song, Crying Out Love in the Centre of the World. Its jap, so for those people who don't like it or what, turn away now. Anyway, it was a really sad movie and i really enjoyed it. Ok, the actress was rather hot (Masami Nagasawa) but what really made me enjoy the show was the innocence of youth and... Argh! You've got to go watch the movie yourself to understand it. So just as a teaser, i've put the song from the OST of the movie here. I Still can't figure out the bloody making the video pop out thing so there's the link. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L8mFhciALk

So its been about a month now, trying to get over it. I think i'm more or less going in the right direction. Somehow, things don't hurt that much when a) you're too busy to think about it and b) you're kinda stoned most of the time. But shit, its really hard. I never imagined love could cause so much pain. Its just that somehow, sometimes, you wish that things could have worked out. That you knew then what you know now. But still, when the distractions come to and end, or when time seems to stand still between jobs and you've got nothing on your hands to do except watch and wait, the feelings, the memories, good and bad all come rushing back again. Worse still, all the places i go, the meomories they bring back. Damn, its so difficult to let go of them. Places i pass by often, the Sakae sushi outlet that we had our first lunch alone together. Places in school, the lecture rooms the council room, the prayer room. Places where we just plain had fun, De La Salle School. And even some army camps, OCS during Temasek Seminar. All these places the memories. Sometimes i can still hear her laughter ringing down the hallways. It all comes back in the quiet moments.

Sometimes, i close my eyes and i see you there in front of me. But as i reach out to hold you, it seems as though you are slipping farther away from me. I guess that you already have. I've really tried to let you go but its just so hard to do. I'm weak. Really i am. I don't know how i'm ever going to get through this. Too many memories that i just cannot let go of.

Just a Little Something

2007-05-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Stole this from miah's blog, did my own profile and voila! My very own DNA of sorts.

Woot!

2007-05-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

Its back! Its finally back! My blogger works!!! Finally!!!

More post coming soon. Watch this space.

Spider Sense

2007-05-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

Caught Spiderman 3 sometime last week, and i must say that it was a pretty good movie, and i would recommend it to anyone looking for a bit of action. Well, its not all action though. In my opinion, the Spiderman franchise is really a crash course on philosophy and sociology, with a whole load of human relations stuffed with it. I really enjoyed it, mostly because i can see myself exactly like Peter Parker. Other than for swinging around on a web and saving New York City from a whole bunch of psychos, he really is like anyone else. He's a loser when it comes to women, just like me and he always seems to be doing the stupidest things. And when it comes to the woman he loves, his attempts are feeble, if not pathetic at times and he's always screwing it up with her even with the best intentions. Despite this, unrequited as the love may be, he still adamantly holds on to the hope that somehow, things would work themselves in the end.

I guess that every guy has their Mary-Jane Watson. She was Mary-Jane to me, in more ways than one. Its just taht things don't seem to work out even when i really make an effort. Unfortunately for me, my life is not a movie and it seems impossible that we would have a happy ending. All i forsee is a bitterness that would run deep in my bones and a pain in my heart that may never cease to be there. Unlike Peter Parker, there is only how much i can handle in a relationship and i think i'm almost at my breaking point. There are always limits and those limits are almost reached. As much as i hate to say it, i need a way out, something which is harder than fighting 3 villians at the same time (if u get my drift).

Spiderman is not about the action sequences. Sure they may look cool and the visuals are stuning, but that's not the point. Spiderman was created for all those nerdy losers (think me) who couldn't hold on to a functional relationship, who can only be the guy to go to when the girl is raging over a break-up, who is always left alone once the girl figures that she's ready for another relationship but not with him, and for the guy who's searching for vindication in the fucked world. Look at Aunt May and you'll understand why i say this. Her lines may be cheesy and downright corny, but when you look at it the way i do, they do make a whole lot of sense. The advice she gives Peter has real world consequences and can be applied to everyday life.

Seriously, i would have loved to watched the movie with her, but i guess that its not possible. Go watch it, but this time, don't just look at the action but rather, look at the real battles that a tortured soul has to fight in order to hold onto the things he holds so dear to his heart. His family, his friends and the woman he loves. Come to think of it, i feel like watching it again, but not alone.

Hope you're happy

2007-05-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

Its been what, almost a week now. I guess that things are getting better now that i finally decided that i wanted a break from all the shit i've been going through. Hell, its been more than a year since we left school. Things change, people, places memories. I've changed, whether for the better or for worse, i've still yet to find out. But most importantly, YOU'VE changed and there is nothing i can do to change you back to when i first fell for you. Well, over the past few days i've been hearing some terrible rumours about you and you were just playing me all along. Just so you know, i don't subscribe to them and even if i did, i think they shouldn't affect me because i'm making a conscious effort to put things back to normal between us. Either way, i think i still need time away. The hardest part is yet to come. I've accepted the fact, now its time for me to dettach and get on with my life. Sometimes, to do the right thing requires that you be steady, even if it means giving up the very things which you hold dearest in your life. You most probably think what i'm writing is rubbish, but this time i mean it. Hope i have the willpower to see it through to the end. Even if it requires that i make a total break, i'll do it, because i'm really tired. Tired of being a slave to this problem which has been going on for years. It has to end.

Anyways, after a long time trying to level up my character in WoW, i decided to take time off to head down to town. I think WoW is starting to kill me, even though it is so much fun. I need a break, but i also need people to go out with. I'm now officially a social vegetable when it comes to this. No, i don't club. No, i rarely go out to drink. And no, i don't think i'm ready to go looking for another girl right now, not after all that i've been through. And my network of friends? Well, lets just say its grown considerably smaller since i left school. Other than for miah, ching, kp, pido, don and maybe khai, the others are almost as good as strangers to me. I really have no idea what went wrong. Was i too obssessed? Maybe. Did i choose the wrong people to befriend? I don't think so. The people i knew were great when we spent time back in school. Was i too much of an asshole? Probably, but i really tried to be less of one. Seriously. Somehow or rather, things i did in the past bite me in the ass all the time in more ways than one.

Sigh. So i step into this phase of life with nothing much to look forward to in life other than the elusive level 70, balzefury, tier 5 armour, ORD in 6 months and maybe, just maybe a better social life. Other than that, i'm pretty much screwed. Oh wells, looks like i'm off to a fantastic start in my life of pathetic mediocrity, just another of those mindless drones working day in and day out, never to do anything extraordinary other than to pay my taxes to the government that sees me as just another number in the long list of other numbers. Just another one of their poor sad sods to throw at the aggressor when they come thundering down from wherever they may come from.

Again, i had another arguement with my parents. Why do they always seem to be so cheap all the time, yet they spend money on my older brother, financing not only his education, but also his merry trips around the whole up europe? And then when i ask them for simple things like letting me stay in the hostel while i'm studying in NUS? They always get angry saying that its expensive and all that blah. And when i ask if they could maybe finance me on a trip after i ORD? The same reaction. They just get angry with me and then brush me off. And to make things worse, they persist to be angry and go about telling all my relatives about how spendtrift i am and how 'guai' my older brother is. I mean like what the fuck? Just because he's the oldest, does that mean he gets the best of everything? Does being the secind child in the family attract so much angry and resentment that my parents literally do not care? I know that i haven't been the best of sons, but does that give them the right to treat me worse than my other siblings? I always get last dips on everything. And when my siblings want things they get it. When i want something, maybe just a shirt or a new pair of jeans, what do i get? A tongue lashing from my mum about saving money, my dad will go on harping about how hard he has to work to earn that sort of money, even if it was only $39.90. Then when i go and use my own money, the money which i spend 5 days a week, 9 hours a day earning, the whole cycle repeats itself all over again. And they said retail therapy is good for you, i say BULLSHIT. For God's sake, stop being so cheap. You're a doctor for crying out loud. Doctors are supposed to be rich. Why does it seem that you're the exception? Why does it seem that i'm always the one to take the flak from my parents anger. I've tried so hard to please them and make them worry less about me and this is what i get in repayment? Thank you very much for helping me enjoy my childhood. Really. If there's anyone to balme for my current state, go blame yourselves.

Shit. Don't get me wrong, i really do love my parents. Its just that sometimes the decisions they make and the way they treat me, as though i'm the trash son of the family, it just pisses me off. And the way they try to control my every action in my life and the way they try to steer me to become what they think is the 'perfect' son just gets on my nerves. It just seems that i'll always be the black sheep of this family, whether i like it or not. After all, i was the one who screwed up nearly every national examination, gave the most amount of problems and stuff like that. What can i say, i've destroy nearly everyone's dreams and hopes.

Its been a long post, so i think i'll stop here. I still need time to sort out my problems, maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months. I have no idea how i'm going to help myself out his time, but i guess its a start. Slowly things will start looking up (hopefully) and i'll be back to my normal self again and this time come out stronger than before.

Here in my living room

2007-04-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

After the occurrences of last Sunday, i really needed some cheering up. Turning to the master of emo, i got this song from donovon. Thanks don for the song. I'm hooked on it. Its so full of emotion and meaning pertaining to what i've been going through. Thanks a million man. Anyway, here's a sample from youtube of the song he sent me. Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you Something Corporate with Konstantine...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NwJWWnn-cw

I don't know how to make the video thingy come out. Maybe someone could teach me. Anyway, just for good measure, here are the lyrics for the song...

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams

And you tell me that it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
And you're restless, and I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking, no
Could you let me go?
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
Because you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me that I could take you there
But dammit, you're so young
Well, I don't think I care
And if I hurt you
Then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

Then you'd bring me home
Because we both know what it's like to be alone
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room to live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking
What I was thinking
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do is touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking that these nights when we were drinking
No, they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a 'k'
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

My Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like I do
No, they'll never hurt you like I do
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know
You keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these fucked up things I did
Hey, maybe, baby
You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep, but this time not alone, no, no
And you'll kiss me in your living room
I know
You'll miss me in your living room
Because these nights I think maybe that
I'll miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

If i could play the piano, i would have played this for her. Well, its obviously too late for that now. Won't stop me from trying to learn how to play it though. Beautiful song.

Down by the Marina

2007-04-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

Well, i've been spending the past few days down by the Singapore River just by the Esplanade. I must say, the work is tiring in preparation for my formation anniversary and NDP and i'm really not enjoying it. The only good thing about it is that i get to see the city scape from places where not many people get a chance to see it from. Another good thing about it is that i get to spend time out at sea. I really love it. Its just the vastness of it. The wildness, the untamed beauty of the sea. Even though i'm working in a sheltered bay, i can still feel the sheer power of it. Its almost the perfect remedy for all my problems. Just being there, it calms the soul, frees the mind and relaxes the body. The only problem is my work doesn't allow me to fully appreciate the beauty of it. Another problem is that it only provides temporary relief from the problems i face, day in day out. At the end of the day, when i'm done for the day, the problems just start creeping back in their own insidious ways. Problems at home, problems at work, with relationships, friends. There really is no outlet for me to vent all these problems. The sea provides me with that escape, but reality strikes back and it strikes back hard.

I just was talking to her. Long story. I'm not going to put any details here just in case she doesn't want others to know about it. So yeah. I finally plucked up the guts and told her that i wanted a clean break from things. I still wanted to remain friends, but i explained that i needed time away for awhile so that i can detach myself from it. It may be a few weeks, or maybe a few months (most probably a few months by my reckoning). She was the first person i really liked. I've never felt this way for any other girl before. But since it didn't seem to work out, I guess that i just have got to let it go. I don't want to keep hurting myself, over and over again just because i think that there is hope. There is no FUCK thing such as hope anymore. It didn't even exist in the first place. What was i thinking when i fell for her? Whatever. What's done is done and i can't change the fact that i had run the race and lost. As i said, my armour is coming back on again. I'm not going to fall so easily again. From now on, i lead the single life, a lone wolf. Maybe i'll find someone in the future, maybe i'll not. Either way, i'm through with her more or less. We'll still be friends, no doubt, but my every move, every action and every word will be guarded from now on. I will not fall again.

From my previous posts, you guys would most probably think i'll make friends with Mr Absolut, Mr Smirnoff or Mr Walker, but this time i'm not. Firstly, i don't have enough cash to meet either of them, and i don't intend to spend anything just to get them. Secondly, i think alcohol doesn't work, it just makes it worse. And lastly, the plan to get fit doesn't involve alcohol. So yeah.

There really is nothing i can do to salvage the situation anymore. I've just got to let it slide. It will be a long and difficult journey ahead of me, but hopefully i can pull through. I know i will. I must pull through. I need to exorcise my demons once and for all. I'll be stronger when this fracas is over and done.

This i meant for you. I guess that i'll always be the guy who never made it. 3 years i've loved you. 3 years, i've rejected countless others for you. 3years i've been faithful. 3 years. I guess it has to end somehow. Not the way i wanted it to end, but its for the best. I'll never forget someone like you. The good times and the bad. Memories i'll treasure and learn from. Painful memories and the beautiful ones. Those that revolve around you. I tried, i really did. I guess that it wasn't meant to work out between us. Well, i'll just keep walking. Maybe i'll see you again soon. Maybe on the street, like total starngers we pass each other, just another face in the crowd. 3 years. 3 long years i've held the candle. Its time i put it out. Goodbye.

Back to work

2007-04-15T23:54:00.000+08:00

Started back at work on tuesday and had to leave for outfield training almost immediately. 3 days spent out in the field smearing green stuff on my face and taking my piss in the bushes. How fun is that? Oddly enough, i felt kinda good about it. Other than for the lack of sleep (5 hours over 2 nights), green shit on my face, the lack of basic sanitation and a screwed up training reigme, it was actually fun. Call me crazy or what, but i find that these periods spent out in the field have a rather therapeutic effect. Its during these times, out in the jungle with nothing but my rifle and my wits that i can make plans, dream dreams and set things in motion. Its these little things that keep me sane through my army life. Saying this, i think that i will miss these outfield sessions when i leave. Where else can you get the feeling of the wild in urban sprawling Singapore? In Lim Chu Kang, Simpang, Mandai of course.

Either way, i'm still looking forward to my ORD date. I just want to be a civilian and enjoy life.

Back in the office, work just keeps piling up. NDP, formation anniversery, another course to plan for etc. Well, i can say that i just have to survive till the end of August and i'll be all good. Then i can enjoy 2 months of slack before i leave the army. That would be a good thing. April, May, June, July and August. 5 more months. Judging by how time flies, it will be a quick 5 months by my estimates.

I think i'm out of the phase. This time hopefully for good. WoW is going fine, but i think i need a break from it soon or i may just lose my mind to the game. Its not a bad thing but i really think i should be getting out more. Catching a movie or just hanging out for a meal with friends. Its been ages since i last went out for a proper outing with friends and i seriously miss it. When my subscription ends in May, i think i'll take a break from the game and do some leg work for once. Get some Sun, good food and good company instead of having just the computer for the whole weekend.

Another thing, i'm seriously out of shape these days. When i could run almost non-stop before, now i can barely run at all. When i used to be able to pull like a mad man, now i can't. And my six-pack? Don't even go there. I haven't done any proper exercise in 4 months now i'm becoming a weak piece of shit. I can't stand it any more. From next week onwards, the old exercises, Exercise Six Pack, Exercise Flying Wings and Exercise Run-Till-You-Drop begin in earnest. I'm not going to cheat myself anymore and i'm willing to take the pain to attain my goals. In the immortal words of Mr Issac Lim, the great PE teacher of CJC, "Do not stop, its poisonous! Integrity and Mental Discipline! 26 up, 26 down!" Haha. Those were the days.

Well, i cannot lie. I still think of her almost everyday. Its hard to kill a feeling as strong as that, but if i have to, i will. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore so i'm just going to do my best, even if it is at the expense of my emotions and feelings. Especially her, i do not ever want to make her feel hurt again, nor do i want her to feel guilty for making things turn out this way. If there is anyone to blame, it is me, for being weak and for being well, a loser.

Well, i'm ok. Things are looking up and generally, nothing much can really go wrong right now. I've made a committment to myself that i will start exercising and that i'll start putting in some study time to prep myself for Uni. Also i need to start saving more cash for my driving and trip at the end of the year. Difficult, to be sure, but i think i'll make it. If i get a Gold award for my IPPT this year, there will be a treat waiting at the end of it. Haha.

Till then, off to work, sai gang and a whole lot of other crap!

A century of posts

2007-04-09T01:09:00.000+08:00

For my 100th post, i'm going to write this...

HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR A PERSON TO RECEIVE A FUCKING REJECTION LETTER FROM A UNIVERSITY THAT IS GOING TO REGRET REJECTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Answer?

God knows. I've been waiting for 6 weeks already and still nothing. I wasted 15 bucks on the application and the postage on the bloody supporting documents. Fucking waste of my time and money.

Anyways, to all the faithful followers of this blog, i most prob don't know you, but thanks for reading and laughing at my pathetic life. It was fun knowing that no one really cares. Haha.

I'm back, i think

2007-04-08T19:48:00.000+08:00

Its been what, 2 weeks since i last posted and let's say quite a few things have changed since then. Ok, who am i trying to kid here, nothing has changed. Well, one things for sure, my blog is becoming a battlefield. So Ben and Ching, stop arguing on the tag board for god's sake!!

Finally, my course has ended and its back to camp from me starting this week. Well, it was a good 5 week break away from the crap i usually receive in camp so i'm kinda happy. I learnt something new, but i think that it really doesn't have any implication to me in the long run unless i sign my life a way to the army. Speaking of which, i have only 7 more months to go before i'm finally free of it (except for the call ups and stuff like that). Taking into account whatever public holidays, off and leaves i have outstanding, and the new term i learnt, 'magic off', i have about 4 and a half months of shit left to go. Which is good in a sense. I really really can't wait to get my life back. And i need it back fast.

On to other things, once in awhile i still feel like shit and i don't know why. I've tried to stop thinking of her, but i still do. Can't stop and i don't know why. Even though she's said that it just isn't possible, i still cling on to shreds of hope. I read somewhere that hope is what drives us human beings to do extraordinary things. As i go on with my life, i can't help but think that the guy was a bloody liar, and a good one at that because so many people believed in him. What can i say. Either way, things seem to be on a upward climb. Despite the situation descirbed above, things have more or less settled down. I just need to stop playing WoW, take out the dusty old phonebook and start making a few calls to those people i used to hang out with. Sec sch mates, College mates and maybe a few others who i haven't been talking to for a bit. Maybe things will start getting better. Just maybe. Either way i'm not letting my guard down anymore. I will not let myself be caught with my pants around my ankle especially by people whom i really care for. Don't worry, i'm not angry and its not her fault. Its just me.

I've got driving theory test tommorrow so i better go prepare for it. If not, i'm screwed and i wouldn't want that to happen. I want to drive. And i want to get a car too.

After Hours

2007-03-25T22:26:00.000+08:00

The emo and down phase is starting to come to an end right now. I don't believe the emotional roller coaster i've been put through these few days. Crazy really. For those people who tried standing by me during this rough time, thanks alot. Somehow i felt that i wouldn't have made it without you guys. For those people who mocked me, who put me down and who laughed at me while i was down, let's just say i won't be talking to you guys for a bit. Maybe never again. You know who you are so don't feign ignorance and stuff like that.

Anyway, over the week, i've realised how weak a person i am. I keep on saying that i'll give it up, but in the end, i just get back to hurting her and hurting myself. Not that i like being hurt or what, its just things that can't really be put down in words. Yup. On top of that, i think i made her angry enough that she refuses to talk to me again. So yup. I've started this mess and i guess its about time i cleared things up once and for all. Problem is, i don't know how to go about doing it so i'm pretty much screwed.

Well, i guess that its back into my shell for me. When i first stepped into JC, i felt that maybe i would try to be different from what i was back in Sec school. But it seems that the model which i followed back then was the ideal for me. The cold, unrelenting and unfeeling bastard. As much as i hated myself then, i hate the state that i'm in now even more. I shouldn't have given my heart away in the first place. All the stupid things i have done are enough to condemn me for life with the girls. So i say it here, once and for all. I will never ever give my heart away to unrequited love again. I've been played the fool once, and i'll not fall for the same trick twice (though i must have fallen to it countless times).

Its time i removed my veil and put my armour back on. I need to regain my mystery and my sanity. This is the end of the emotional Ivan. From now on, what you get is what you see.

Cold, emotionless, uncompromising, unfeeling.

Getting reaccquainted with Mr Absolut

2007-03-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

I think that maybe something is really wrong right now. Last night, for the first time in my life, i had to drink myself to sleep. I mean like there will always be a first time for everything, but this time, it was a real first. I found a new bottle of vodka in my bro's room last night and seeing that he's not coming back until june, i opened it. What happened after that was kind of a haze. What i do know is that i woke up this morning with a really bad headache and 2/3 a bottle of vodka left. No wonder my parents refused to talk to me today. Ever since yesterday, i have been living in a haze. I don't even remember what i did yesterday anymore. Its crazy, but i think somehow i'm starting to lose my grip on my sanity. Sheesh. Its amazing how 1 thing can cause so much of a problem, not only for me, but for those people involved. Well, i'm not blaming anyone, but myself. Its not her fault and i don't want her to feel bad about it. And if she does feel bad, then i'm really sorry. Its just that i need time to figure it out for myself. I've taken a lot of time to do this but i guess that maybe i ahven't been going in the right direction. Most of the things i do become counter-productive and in the long run, i feel evn more hurt than i was before. It always does, but this time it feels exceptionally bad and i don't know whether i can do this alone. It seems that even playing WoW does not help this time. Plus with all the added stress i'm being put through, it will be a really tough uphill battle, which somehow i don't think i will win. I may just end up a social and emotional vegetable at the end of it, something that i do not want to become.

Ah well, it seems i walk this journey alone. I doubt anyone out there will want to get caught up in my emotional whirlpools and my crazy mood swings. As much as i hate to say it, i don't have any friends in this battle. I don't have any support in this fight. No one is watching my back and no one will be there to cover my ass. I'm out there with no weapons but myself, my biady and my soul. I don't know whether i'll survive but i will try, somehow.

I walk the paths of my life alone. I may find the answers, or i may find out really how screwed up i am as a person.

Well, i'm off to my corner to cry. Shit. Am i even a man anymore?

This is totally random

2007-03-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

I received a message yesterday morning and it came when i was least expecting it. She told me to cheer up and not think to much. Then she said something which up till now i can't really decipher. Maybe things are not what they seem. Anyway, i was kinda busy so i didn't really do a follow up. I spent the whole night thinking about what this could mean. Anyway, so once i was done with work, i decided maybe i would send her a message and see what i can get out of the previous message. No reply, but i guess she had her reasons. Talked to her this morning to settle some issues. I still like her but she doesn't see it in that way. I'm thinking, why do i waste my time, but i guess that maybe there is something which i still have yet to discover about myself. Its not anything, its just so difficult to explain. Ths Internet and messages are really not enough anymore. I need to see her face, hear her voice and her laughter and just plain be with her, whether as a group or along, it doesn't matter anymore. Still, i hold on to the impossible dream, a shred of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day i could just be with her.

Who am i trying to kid? I just don't want to feel this hurt anymore, please.

Seriously, i think i need a girlfriend.

Somewhere in the middle

2007-03-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

Well, i'm coming to the middle fo alot of things now. Some are better left unsaid while others are not worth saying because no one really cares about what i think anyway. I'm just there for you to laugh at and be made a fool of. And if that makes you people happy, then by all means go ahead and laugh. I couldn't care less anyway, mainly because you've been transferred from the friends list to the ignore list for the time being. I don't need all your bloody distractions.

A part of me is screaming out to call you. Another part of me is shouting to just not give a damn. Currently, the former is winning, but the latter is starting to take control. I don't know what tgo say, i just need to hear your voice.

Just so you know

2007-03-11T20:37:00.000+08:00

1 week into my course and my brain is almost fried. As of today, i can't really remmeber what i learnt on Friday, and that sucks. Back in school, i could still more or less remember what was taught previously, even if the lessons were really boring (think Mr Goh and his hand-swinging and finger thingy). Yeah. But now, i cvan barely remember what the hell Int is all about. Let's see, terrain and drainage, relief, vegetation, LZs, LSs and LBs, bridges and GTIs. What the hell are GTIs anyway?? Screw it. Might as well just out-of-course me so i can get some rest. And i've got a test to do tommorrow. I'm so screwed. Haha. Just hope this un-studiable (is there even such a word?) period does not last for long. Uni seems a lot nearer now that i'm 8 months away from ORD and about another odd year to starting school again. Whew. Come to think of it, time has passed really fast this year. Its already March and it seem that January was only yesterday. Wearing green does have its good points. At least time passes so fast that you don't even notice that it has gone by. Bloody waste of time.

Just so you know/This feeling's taking control of me/And i can't help it/Won't sit around;can't let him win now/Thought you should know/I've tried my best to let go of you/But i don't want to/I just got to say it all before i go/Just so you know/

Well that kind of sums up how it feels right now. I don't know how to explain it. Its like, yeah, i acknowledge that she has her own life and that she's busy and stuff like that, but i keep getting either the wrong impressions of things or just plain don't get any impression at all. And its not something new when i say that i'm letting go of the issue, but somehow, things just come around full circle and i'm back where i started. The past few days have been rather hard as i tried looking for a sign. To ease the pain or to clear the doubt. The signs i get from her are mixed. I would really like to know what goes on in her mind. And whoever said that women have very complex minds, that person is a bloody genius and i salute him. If only i could read her intentions, then maybe i can make the right decisions, and ultimately, do what is right, not only for myself but for her as well. I can kind of figure the pain she is going through too and i'm really really sorry for it. Just give me some time to make things work out and it will be fine. So much for being Int trained when i can't even read the intentions of 1 person, let alone a whole army.

To make matters worse, i haven't been talking to the people who have always been there to help me. Well, i'm sorry, and if you read this and decide that maybe you want to forgive me, then drop me a msg or something like that and i'll make a full and proper apology.

Finally, sorry about the new blog thing, that i haven't been updating it. I'm too damn busy with the bloody course and haven't had time to read the papers. Besides, i've got the Burning Crusade to fight. Haha. GAME ON!!

8 more to go...

2007-03-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

The date, March 4th. Countdown to ORD, 8 months. Major obstacle down. Time to go back into lull for 4 months right? Wrong. As of tommorrow, i'll be going back to the place where i trained to be a specialist so long ago. I'm going back to Pasir Laba Camp. Its been what, almost a year since i first stepped into SISPEC. Well, i'm not really going back to SISPEC, but its still the same. Will be going back on course for about a month. I can't really say much about the course or they'll most probably revoke my CAT 2A security clearance. All i can say is that when i get back, i'll either be more intelligent, or i'll end up with a bad case of 'regulars-get-it-better-than-NSFs' again. I really hate that feeling, but most of the time, it just happens to be there. Other than for a few exceptions, i really hate regulars.

I finally bought The Burning Crusade, and i must say, that i wasn't very throughly impressed with the hassle i had to go through just to install the game onto my computer. Ok, fine, my computer sucks rather big time (its an old Fujitsu lappie). But still, its no excuse that blizzard should sell faulty CDs to its paying customers. And on top of that, i had to spend the whole night installing the game off the internet. Imagine downloading 2.05 GB!! It was crazy! When i got up this morning, it wasn't even done. Anyway, when i finally got it done, it was kinda worth the wait, though it seems that it isn't as good as people make it up to be. No matter. WoW is still WoW. Back to my self-destructive habits again, where i spend day after day staring at the computer screen and beating the shit out of animated objects. That is how i predict the next few months of my life will be, unless i get a solid reason to start going out of the house. Till then, i'll be on my way to level 70, so meet me there.

Ok, if u you guys notice carefully, there is a new link that says 'Ivan's Insights'. Well, i figured that i should get down to doing some real-time analysis of issues happening in the news today. Figures, since i'm going to do social science in the Uni, i might as well start by commenting on what happens in the world. I can't do that on this blog because i don't want it to be cluttered up with my personal problems. Hope it does give me a clearer view as to what i want to do after the Army and maybe it will help me clear up my mind. So watch that space and hopefully, something good will come out of it.

So yeah. Its back to being a trainee for me. I really need some time off from all this running around in green. Its starting to drain my soul and i'm afraid that i may never be the same again. If i thought that my personal problems were going to drive me into the ground, i was so wrong. A combination of that, and the very feeling i get whenever i step into camp would be more that enough to see me shave my head, strip naked and climb up the tallest building i can find with my M16 and start sinping random people along the street.

40 days, 40 nights

2007-02-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

Inspired by a movie of the same title i caught some time back, i guess that for the next 40 days and 40 nights, i'll try not to do anything stupid over Lent. For those peeps that actually caught the movie (by some weird stroke of luck or other), you'll guess what i'm trying not to do this Lent. Shit. I really hope i can keep this vow. Anyways, this period of time, its going to be a journey. While others are trying to find redemption, i'm just trying to find the answers i need. Some of these may seem obvious to most, but i guess that i'm not what people would describe as most. Shit. I've been at it for almost 3 years and what do i have to show for it? Just one measly lunch meeting. The other times i've asked her out? She's always busy. And the times i've tried to just talk with her, over the phone, SMS or MSN? She just ignores me. Maybe its because i don't exist, or maybe i'm an irritant. Shit. I need to find the answers, and i hope that the coming 40 days and nights will be just what i needed to get me out of this mess once and for all.

I hate being ignored, especially if i'm being ignore by someone who i really care for. Just the simple act of interacting with that person can be a pain at times. And when i don't get clear answers? It just gets worse. If you're really busy and you tell it to me explicitly, i'm sure i'll understand and not bother you. But when you just give half-hearted answers and better yet, just refuse to reply, then i can't help but feel that something is wrong. I really hate it, but i guess that i'm just addicted. I mean like, i'm not the type who obsesses over things but there is just that something which makes you special and i can't find it everywhere else. You always tell me to move on, just keep moving, but i can't. I just can't. Until maybe something drastic happens, i doubt i'll move anywhere along that path. I know its almost similar to killing myself, but i've just got to try, cos i'll regret if i never did.

So the week has been rather fun. CNY was spent visiting family and friends. I don't usually visit friends over the new year, but this year was different. I was forced out of the house by my parents so i went along with the flow and visited friends for the first time. And i throughly enjoyed myself. For the first time in a long while, CNY didn't seem to stuck up. Visited Cheryl's and Justina's place. Had a whole load of fun meeting up with all the other cocks, namely miah and khai, making a fool of myself in front of Cheryl's friends and losing nearly every game of Mahjong over at Justina's. And the food was fantastic too. It just felt different this year, and for that i'm glad. Looking forward to next year's CNY. Then i'll be civillian and i can get down to doing some proper visiting. And the ang paos! Haha.

After the joy of CNY, i found myself back in Gedong for the next 3 days till friday. It was rather ok in the sense that i spent 2 full days slacking off in the safety boat. Cleared off some good books (The Undercover Economist and Freakanomics), mingled a bit with my pioneers to hear all their grudges and petty pioneer politicking and got a rather good tan over 2 days. And then came Friday evening, which must have been the most fun i have had in ages...

Met miah and denyse for drinks we were supposed to meet at 8 but had dinner first and the place (Cafe Iguana) didn't have space so by the time we got to doing some real drinking, it was already 10-plus. Who's complaining anyway. Anyways, had a magarita and a corona. Most importantly, had fun. Beer bottle sectionals, beer shooting and just plain old talking cock. Its amazing how much people change over a year and its also amazing how much people do not change over the same period of time. And how much shit the three of us have had over the past year, its amazing that we can still laugh about it and carry on with life. Oh yah, and there was the 'Pepsi Cola' match we had just by the Singapore river with a load of bemused passerbys watching us as we went back to the sport of our college days. I got raped by miah who hasn't lost his touch and he got raped by Den, who said she was wearing slippers so we had to give her chance. Haha. On a normal day it would be a showdown between me and miah but its was real fun. Den, next time we meet, you better be wearing shoes. I want a rematch! Haha. This time i'll play properly. And just before we stumbled ack home, Den talked the 2 of us to try the reverse bungee. And in our alcohol and cock-talking induced haze of delirium, miah and i actually agreed. Thank god that by the time we got there, the place was closed, so we have to go back another time (not that i'm complaining). Come to think of it, if we had actually gone through with it, it would have had been fun and i would find my dinner all in the Singapore River. Its been ages since i had so much fun. Wish we could do it more often.

So yeah. My week on a whole was rather good. Its time i went to do some real searching for answers. Its time i started having fun. Its time i started living again.

Somewhere out there, i'll find my answers. Somewhere out there, things will be all happy again.

CNY!!

2007-02-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

Before i say anything stupid enough to condem me, Happy Chinese New Year to all. May you get loads and loads of ang paos, oranges, and a mega sore throat at the end of it from all the bak kwa, alcohol and junk food so that you can report sick on Wednesday when you get back to work. Yup. Anyway, just have fun over this New Year break. Gamble, eat and make merry cos it only comes once every year, and for only 2 days a year at that. If only we were like the Chinese in China, 15 days of hols to visit their relatives! That would be the life, no doubt about it.

Staring to feel all shitty again. Don't know why. Should i just totally let go of this sham, or keep at it till i get the result i desire? I don't know. I need a clear sign from somewhere before i start to breakdown again.

And a very happy V-Day to you too.

2007-02-14T19:21:00.000+08:00

Yep, so its that time of the year again. Valentine's Day. Hah. Its supposed to be a day for lovers, a day for friends. And where do i happen to find myself? Back at home in front of the computer again. Its all my fault really. I'm grateful for the day off from work, but i hate the feeling of being alone on a day like this. Well, i tried asking her out, but she was busy. She told me to go out, maybe try getting someone else, but i'm a hopeless romantic so i'll just leave it at that. Not her fault, mine. If i had the guts to ask her earlier maybe we could have worked something out. Well, i regret, but i'm not angry. Its just not right. Well, so its back to the drawing board for me. Got to find it in me to start being more confident about this, cos if i don't its never going to work out. Yeah. Got to work it out somehow. No point killing myself over it right?

So yeah, haven't blogged for about a week and now since i've got nothing to do and the most obvious source of entertainment is the computer, why not just write down some crap? Anyhow, i've been having a rather slack week so far. Spent alot of time in camp just wasting it like its free. Best part is that tmr will be having a nights off too. An opportunity? i don't think so. I'll just sleep in camp and imagine the things that could have been. Haha. That's my life, if you could call that a life. Everyday just brings me closer to the day when i can be free. Free from all this shit. Just another 262 days to go and i can finally breathe the fresh clean air of the civilian world, of freedom from the green. Then i can go to the University and live a life i want to live. After hearing all the horror stories about Uni you would think that i would be kind of put off, but i'm not. After going through what i'm going through now, Uni will be a piece of cake. All it takes is a little bit of finger-pointing, back-stabbing and chao keng to get the job done. Count on the 'gan cheong-ness' of your project group members and things would most probably work in your favour. Stay cool even when the deadline draws near and make people believe that everything is fine, but in the background, be so well prepared that even a nuclear strike from N. Korea cannot faze you. And lastly, in real dire situations learn to carry the balls of the profs. Learn their every nuance, every action. What they do and how they react will be your cue on how you should plan your schedule. Follow these simple steps and pray very hard. Things will work out your way somehow.

Well, that's my piece of advice for the week at least. Its getting closer to chinese new year, and it feels as though the regulars don't want to do anymore work. So its back to the NSF to do more work. Hopefully they don't try to shoot more arrows. I'm sorry buddy, i'm planning to siam everything they shoot at me. As much as i hate to do it, i'm sorry man. Its either me or you, preferably you.

I'm becoming more of an asshole. Give me a reason not to turn back to what i used to be. Please.

Taking a fall

2007-02-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

This week was crap. After the high of the previous weekend, this week was a real pain in the ass. Period. It must have been one of the worsts weeks in my life. I mean like, its been ages since i last felt anything close to this, when i had to single-handedly manhandle my prefectorial board to swing into action and get some work done. Sheesh! I'm overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. I feel like a bloody peon doing the insanical work of some useless and ultimately fucked up superiors. Why am i being treated this way? Its kinda dumb really. This is not the life i want to lead, and i thought that life in the Army was meant to nurture young men into real citizens of the nation. Instead, they are driving us to point of physical and mental exhaustion. In school, when this sort of crap happens, at least you have someone to talk to, someone who will be willing to share your pain and maybe even carry the burden too. But in the fucked up organisation that is the army, nothing like this exist. You're expected to be man about it, and at the same time, no one will help you, because they are just out there covering their own asses and throwing more shit out at the same time. And guess who is the target for the shit? In comes the NSF 3rd Sergeant, just the guy you need to be your target. After all, he has enough authority to boss most people around, is supposedly supposed to be a commander and is supposed to be able to think on their feet. However, your average NSF 3SG does not feel that way. He is overworked, underpaid, unappreciated and to top things off, is also treated like yesterdays piece of shit. Like how do you expect me to be in 3 places at the same time? And to top things off, there are meetings to attend, indentments to be made and trainees (or pioneers) to take care of. Who's idea was it to post me to that super screwed up workplace? If i knew what was in for me, i would have asked to be posted elsewhere, but i guess i didn't have a choice right?

Well yeah, so i broke down on Friday evening. I really couldn't do anything for nearly the whole day. I just spaced out for some reason. It started out normal actually, just like any other Friday, looking forward to book out. But something was not right once the phone started ringing almost non-stop. "Ivan do this, Ivan do that" and "Ivan change this, Ivan where are you now?" As i said, i'm just 1 person and i'm superman either. Then just as i finished my work started to come to a close, as i was walking back to my office, i just broke down by the side of the road, and did something i haven't done in a super long time. I cried. I just sat on the kerb and cried for a full 10 minutes. Thankfully no one saw me or i would have had alot of explaining to do. I don't know why i did that. Really. I just broke down, and sat there. I don't think i'm doing too good now, and i feel kinda useless too. I don't know what to do at this juncture. I just want to lie down and sleep, hoping that when i wake up, it will all be over. Hah. Fat hope.

Oh yes, i've been doing some thinking, and have decided on one thing. I'm going to totally branch off from what i've always been doing. I don't think science really is my type of subject and seeing that i plan to retire before i hit 50, i would think that a job in a major bank would be kinda nice. Nice car, nice apartment in the city and maybe even start a nice little family. Would i be happy then? Maybe. Crap. Maybe go into investments or something, i don't really know, but there are internships out there which i would really want to apply for, so i've got to be on my toes from the time i start studying again. This time, i will not fail. I will not let my family down again. i will not be the black sheep of the country, nor will i allow others to see me as one. I really want to prove to people that i can be exceptional in at least some thing in life. I hate being seen as lesser than others. I will prove them wrong.

One last thing. I think i may never read FHM again. I don't believe they had a fat ugly girl in the mag, in a binkni on top of that. Disgusting. The image may never be erased from my memory. Argh!

A real entry for once

2007-01-28T16:16:00.000+08:00

Well, its been awhile since i put up a proper blog post, so i've decided to maybe try my hands on doing something right for once. Shit, its been too long since i've really done any thinking, but of late, it seems that everything may just turn out alright So, onward brave soul, as i look into what i did over the past week, bringing bad the horrible memories and the things which may actually have some worth to it.

The week started out bad. My weekend was cut short by guard duty and my guard rest was punctuated with irritating phone calls and the constant nagging of my CSM. Oh well, that's the army. I find it rather amazing, that when you're half alseep and delirious from the lack of things, you tend to agree to many things without you even knowing it. So when my buddy called me asking me to take something out of the bunk for him, i just replied 'Yeah' in a really sleepy voice, hopiong that somehow it would make him go away and stop talking. When i woke up, i couldn't even remember what he said to me. Kind of crazy, but i think a person who was up for the last 24hrs ought to be allowed to get at least some sleep.

Most probably the highlight of the week must have been the out-sea training which my company conducted on thursday. 13 assault boats, 1 mission. Travel to Seletar Island, check out navigational lights, try not to get into any trouble with the coast guards of either Malaysia or Singapore and don't drown. It turned out alright, but i had to forgo sleep again the night before because i was on duty, again. Seriously, i wonder who plans these duties. When i find out, his nballs are mine. Haha. Deprived of sleep and basic human neccesities, i was beginning to feel like a zombie. My trainees said that i was prone to extreme mood swings during this time and that one moment i was screaming my head off at them, the next i was there encouraging them to do better. Weird thing, the human mind is.

So after another crazy week, the weekend was a very welcome relief. Reached home on friday night and slept all the way through till 11 the next morning. Was late for a lunch appointment with my PC and upperstudy, but it was ok, cos they came late too. We tend to live on rubber time these days, but i think it suits me a bit. Rubber time, what a beautiful concept. Had fun, but i guess that Sunday was better. It has been too long since we last met. Yeah. I enjoyed myself quite a bit more than i have had for quite awhile. Had lunch, took a walk around town for a bit, she bought some stuff for school work. Yes, so it was a simple Sunday out, but still it felt real good, somehow.

So yeah, that kind of sums up my week. The new week is coming, which means even less sleep, more stress and maybe even a few extras to sign, who knows? But there is still the weekend to look forward to. A toast, to a beautiful week, which i throughly enjoyed and to the most beautiful person around.

The battle is within.

2007-01-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

Must fight them off. Can't hold out much longer but i must keep on fighting. Give me strength.

Just keep walking.. Or in this case, click the link which says 'Next Blog'

2007-01-13T21:29:00.000+08:00

Seriously, move on. There is nothing for you here that will interest you. After all, to most people, i'm not worth much. I'm a lousy friend, an ungrateful son and a pest who just won't go away, like a piece of day old chewing gum stuck to the underside of a seat on the train. I haven't exactly been a model to my juniors or to my siblings and i tend to let my anger get in the way of things. I've tried to change, but no one seems to give a shit. So why do i even bother? Change, which seems to be everything these days, means nothing to me anymore. I've tried to break out of that mould many times, and for a little while, things start to look a little rosier. But then, just as i begin to enjoy myself with my fresh perspective on life, things change forn the worse and i'm back in the duldrums again, sinking to new lows and generally just feeling like shit. As much as i would want it to end, things just don't seem to be going my way.

Had a bad day again/She said i would not understand/Left a note and said i'm sorry i/Had a bad day again/Spilled her coffee broke her shoelace/Smeared er lipstick on her face/Stubbed her toe and said i'm sorry i/Had a bad day again/Though she swears theres nothing wrong/But she's still playing that same old song/Puts me up and puts me off/Had a bad day again/She said i would not understand/Left a note and said i'm sorry i/Had a bad day again/

I'll walk with you if you let me to. I just don't have the guts to ask you if you'd let me, cause i don't want to be hurt again.

Its the new year already?

2007-01-02T12:21:00.000+08:00

Goodbye 2006, Hello 2007! So its the new year again. Come to think of it, 2006 was a rather fast year. Whether it was because of the bloody army, or if it was because of something else, i don't really know, but it doens't really bother me much. All i know is that 2006 was a rather weird year, and 2007 is going to prove to be an even weirder one. So yeah, as a way to say goodbye to the old year, and hello to the new one, a short summary of how 2006 was spent.

The year started off differently, instead of preparing to start school, i was going to shave my head, take up a rifle and start shooting things. Well, after 12 years of formal education, i was starting to get a little tired of the same old routine every year. A breath of fresh air, a feeling of anticipation? All to naught when i finally realised how screwed up the Army actually was. All those commercials you see on television? Bullshit! All the manly things you would normally associate with the Army? What rubbish! Efficiency? Let's not even go there. But still, its not like i have much of a choice but to serve. I'd rather eat shit for 1 year and 10 months rather than spend the rest of my life running away from the authorities. So yeah. Now that 2006 is over, i've still got 10 more months to serve. Just trying to make the best out of it and then i can peacefully become a civilian again.

That basically summarises my year. Boring right? The Army isn't exactly the place where things happen. I mean like just spending the month of December almost like a civilian was really fun, and i'm not exactly looking forward to the new year, with a whole new work load to be done for no apparent gain. I'm just looking forward to the time when i can lead the normal, the simple life that i used to have when i was younger. I know they say that things change and stuff, but some things are bettre left unchanged. But still, its time i grew up and lived in the real world. Not what i want, but i have not much choice do i? Yep.

Speaking about changes, 2006 has been a year of change for me. I've grown up alot, according to some people. i'm not more that pimply faced, ill-tempered geek who spends his time playing computer games 24/7. I'm not the insensitive bastard who doesn't give a flying f*** about other people's feelings. I'm no more the guy who only thinks about fun and nothing else. I'm actually seriously thinking about my future and how i want to, and who i'm going to spend it with. Life's too short for me to fool around anymore. If 2006 was the time for me to change, 2007 will be the time for me to solidify my claim to being one of the 'better men' around. Its all serious from here on in. Of course i'll still be there for the good times and the bad. I'll be there when i'm needed, to comfort a friend, to be a bastard and to just plain hang out. I'm expanding my horizons, allowing myself to search for the true meaning of why i'm here, and the things that i want. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, to be successful, to prove everyone wrong, to love the people i love. All these things can only be done, if and only if i can maintain these changes and prevent myself from slipping back into my dark and tormented past. Its about willpower. Doing this does not mean letting go of all i hold dear in my life, but rather, changing the way at which i look at these things, and the way which i treasure them.

The new year is alos a time for resolutions. Reflecting on last year's resolutions, i think i've meet none of them. Well, from 2006:

Get into Officer Cadet School
Enjoy the Army
Learn to drive
Have a happy and stable relationship with all my friends
Make new friends
Get a six-pack and maintain it
Spend more time with my family

Well, i've met none of them. I didn't get to OCS, i don't enjoy my Army experience, i haven't learnt how to drive, i do not have stable and happy relationships with my friends, or who i think are my friends. I haven't made any new friends worth remembering or keeping in contact with after the Army. My six-pack disappeared after i left SISPEC and i haven't exactly spent alot of time with my family. Enough said. My year was kind of a failure. 7 resolutions, 7 misses. This year will be different though. So here are the resoultions for 2007:

Try (very hard) to enjoy what's left of NS
Must learn to drive (or no car in the Uni)
Get fit (IPPT gold, run 21 klick in SCM 2007)
Some other things that are better left un-said

Well, they seem a little more realistic compared to what i had last year. I hope this time i can make them work out. They must or i don't know what else there is for me to say.

As the alcohol in the bloodstream starts to go, and the alcohol induced haze of the previous days starts to fade. As parties and the simple leasures of life fade away for the incessant drone of boring teachers, nagging of bosses and the unseemingly endless amount of work left at the end day, its time we got bakc on our feet and back to the office tables. Its time to get some work done, some issues settled. Its time to get geared up for war. But before that, there is still that bit of time left for a drink, and a toast to the one that has gone, and the one that is to come. To 2006, goodbye and well, good riddance. To 2007, bring it on!

Happy new year everyone!

'Twas the day after Christmas

2006-12-26T11:35:00.000+08:00

So here we are, the day the after Christmas. My head hurts like hell. Hangerover from losing too many games of Mahjong. I'm horrible at it so i guess i shouldn't have started in the first first place. But it was fun so i'm not complianing, except for this crazy headache which doesn't seem to want to go away for some reason. Must be because i kept on cursing and swearing about how much i hated Christmas. Retrbution hurts like hell. Haha. Either way, i still think Christmas is quite a bad time of the year.

Anyway, Christmas meals turned out to be kind of a success. Though things started to see like the were going no where at the beginning (the souffle collasped, the pie got burnt and the soup was well, weird) it turned out alright in the end. A miracle? Maybe. At the end of the day, they were all clamouring for the bloody soup recipie (Minted pea soup with crispy pancetta and sour cream, you should try it!). I threw out the souffle and my mum salvaged the pie so it was ok in the end i guess. So after all the hectic work in the kitchen, it was time to have a little fun. I should have never started playing the bloody Mahjong!! I was like playing with semi-pro people so since we don't play with money over Christmas (only during CNY, but that's another story) we played with what my house seemed to have in relative abundance, ALCOHOL! Mandrin orange, raspberri and peach vodka anyone? And since my cousins wanted to be hardcore, we drank it straight. Every double was worth 1 shot. I won only 1 round so every round i was drinking. I take pride in myself that i can hold my liquer rather well, but i can't take the friggin hangover. I must have drank at least 15 plus shots in a period of 3 or 4 hours. Crazy. I never drank so much in my life!!

The good thing about it was that, the alcohol allowed me to sort of forget about how screwed up this Christmas seemed to be turning out. I can barely think straight right now. Shit man. I've got so much to do and i don't know how to go about doing it. And the presents this year seem to be lacking in some sense. Maybe its because.. i don't know. Argh! Weird Christmas this year.

At Christmas, you tell the truth. Truth is, i never really let you go. I've tried so hard but i cannot find it in myself to do it. I'm still trying but it tears me apart. The only thing i can do now is to pray, and hope.

Things i want for Christmas (which i didn't get of course):

ORD
Driving Licence
Macbook Pro
A Tag
The intangible

Well, (Un)Merry Christmas Ivan, and to everyone else. Till the next Christmas, I hope it will be a better one. Somehow.

That time of the year again

2006-12-23T17:15:00.000+08:00

So, here we are again, at that time of the year. Yes my friends, its Christmas. (Cheers in the background). Its a wonder. Everyone seems to enjoy this period, buying stuff for loved ones, going for parties, hanging out with friends etc. But to me, more so this year than in other years (except maybe last year. It was really bad then) it kinda sucks. Yup. It somehow just... doesn't feel right, like something is missing.

But anyway, to more important business. I just got back from Bintan on Thursday. And if you thought that running south was going to help me escape the horrible weather here in Singapore, you are so wrong. Let's see. I was there for 4 days and it rained on 3, leaving me with a grand total beach time of only 1 miserable day. Not enough to get proper eyefuls on all the chicks on the beach (there weren't many, except for this ang moh chick. Wow!) and even less time for me to hang outside of the villa which i was staying in. If i want to spend 4 full days watching HBO on the telly, I'd rather stay at home. Firstly, its cheaper, and i don't have to worry about paying $8 for a glass of water, thank you very much. Anyway, on a whole it was a good holiday. I took the time to chill and relax, things which i haven't done for quite awhile so yeah, it felt real good. I actually got down to writing a letter to someone while sitting by the sea, but i threw it out after i finished cause i felt it was rather trashy and you'd most probably be gone forever after you read it. Sigh. I used to be better with words, but recently, I'm becoming rather bad with them. Don't know what is happening. I need to do more intellectual stuff soon before i just die.

Anyway, back to Christmas. So here i am standing in front of the cookpots again. I wonder why it always falls on me to do the cooking during Christmas. Yeah, so i enjoy cooking. Seriously, its kinda fun, especially when u try to present it up. Oh! They say that you eat not only with your sense of taste and smell, but most importantly, with your sense of sight as well. So presentation is everything. What i hate about doing the cooking during Christmas is when all the aunts and uncles come around and sample the food, next thing you know, they're asking you for the recipes and asking you to cook for their next function. And then, there are those who just outright steal the recipe from me and make it their own. Then they go around bragging that they cook better. I mean like fine, since you cook better, you can cook next Christmas, but no, i end up in front of the fires again.

As much as i hate Christmas, there are still somethings which i enjoy about it. The gifts, the time spent with the family and most importatntly, the time spent just plain not doing anything productive. Like this blog! So yeah. Christmas this year will somehow turn out fine. My friends seemed to have forgotten that i exist again, judging by the lack of cards this year, but yeah. I don't need you guys so piss off (kidding!).

You know what, this Christmas would have been if YOU had been here with me. I know it will be if you were. That's my only wish this Christmas.

So, i'm 19?

2006-12-17T21:50:00.000+08:00

Yeah yeah, i know i haven't blogged for awhile so here i am back again in front of the computer to type this out. So, it was my birthday yesterday. And before i get pissed off and ruin it all for everybody else, here's a word of thanks to all those people that came down yesterday for the party. Miah and Ben, the primary school friends who are always there. A toast to you guys! (you can stay at my place anytime man). To Don, Gughan, KP, Ching, Jon Chan, Marshall, thanks. For the wassup and the gifts. And the video of the WASSUP, i'm still figuring how to put it on the com, when i figure it out, it will be for the world to see. Haha. To my secretary, Teresa, you're boss beat you yesterday, I ate more than you. Thanks for being there. And i still want my AAR and Debrief done by Monday! Haha. And last but not least, The Evil One, Charissa, you're the last person i expected to come down. And of course to the all the others, my parents, family, and whoever was there but is not mentioned. So there, my thanks to all those mentioned, i had a great birthday yesterday thanks to you guys, plus the wassup which was a classic and the gift. Oh my god, the gift is great man. It must have cost you guys a bomb but you still got it anyway. WOW!!! WH40K figurines, Grey Knights and Captain Shirke onto of that. WOW!! I'll treasure those man, really will. Yup, so that about all i can thank you guys for now. Till next year, when the youngest of da council boyz turns 20!

Yeah, so with all the happiness, the gratitude and what-so-ever, there will sure as hell be something that had to go wrong. Ok, fine, so a concert is more important than friends. I'm ok with that, just don't expect me to be very civil when i next see you. To think i put in so much effort the previous week. And better still, i bet you almost forgot that it was my birthday. So yeah. It ends at that. You go for your concert. Anytime else there is anything going on, i'll conveniently forget to inform you. Yeah. That's it. I've had enough of people who whine about not being close to college mates anymore but yet, when there is an obvious opportunity, you barely give a damn. And to think i tried to defend you when they started to talk bad about you. No more Mr Nice Guy. To me, you're now a stranger. I'm not a petty one, but i suggest you get your life in order before you come look me up again, cause anything else i say to you has no effect. Anything any of us says to you has no effect. I think general consensus among the guys at least is to just put a boycott in place.

Ok, enough people bashing. So, i'm 19. I think i've changed quite a bit form when i just turned 18. The way i now think has changed. I don't know, but i see things with dark humor now. Must be the bad influence from the reporter from Kazhazstan. Hehe. So yeah. I can eat more shit now than before, whatever you can throw at me i'll just take it. And most importantly, i guess i've finally made my peace with the issues hounding me since college, but that's still ongoing and a story for another time. So yeah, 19 and counting, i'm starting to feel old especially my back. Countless rugby injuries, training injuries in the Army, i'm starting to feel really old. My back can barely take weights now. Sigh. All i wish for christmas is.... Well, i won't say it here, we'll leave it for Christmas.

8 days to Christmas and i haven't done my Christmas shopping properly yet. I'm so screwed. Haha. But i do have 1 gift, all wrapped and prepared. I just hope she appreciates it.

Till Christmas, HO HO HO!!!

An Advertisment

2006-12-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. what to say today? Ok, wait for it... inspiration!

I'll be on leave from the 12th to the 26th (ok, i'll be back in work on the 22nd) but will be away from the 18th to 22nd in Bintan, enjoying the Sun, sand and maybe some sea while i'm at it. So ask me out if u want. I'm super free during this period. Finally no office work to bother me for 2 full weeks. After that, its full swing at work. Course, rugby trainings and NDP to prepare for. But then again, ORD LOH!!

Ok, so it was a blatant advert, but who cares. I'm free and i got some catching up to do with friends. Why not use this time to catch up on old times, make new friends and salvage dying ones. And better yet, maybe do a bit of hunting. Haha. I'm just bored lah. But one thing is for sure. Not too much computer games, television and sleep. Well, that's how i plan to spend my leave. If i'm too busy i'll fit you into the schedule somehow. If i don't have enough leave days, well, i still have 7 days of leave to clear. Haha.

Aftershocks..

2006-12-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

What to say, what to say, what to say? Its been almost a week, and its beginning to settle in and it feels.. how would u say it? Weird. So its official, i'm really really really single again. No strings attached. Yup.

Actually, you know what, i've got nothing much to say. Yep. Nothing really much to say, not that you guys out there are really interested in. Well, the armour is back on again, and this time, its not going to break that easily. If i have to be a player, well i'll be one. Its all a game and we are all just pawns in it. The person who wins? Is the guy who can break and be broken, over and over again.

Game On.

Bittersweet Romance

2006-11-29T18:51:00.000+08:00

I guess i've finally come to terms with it. It was most probably never meant to work out between us. And well, as i grudgingly let it go, i do not actually feel a whole load of pain, but rather, i'm actually feeling kind of good, like as if a shroud has been lifted from my life. Like a breath of fresh air, i feel better. Its been wearing me down and now that it has been resolved (more or less) its time i stopped sulking and started living my life properly. No more whining about how much things suck, no more wishing and hoping for things which are not meant to be. Its no point crying over spilt milk.

But to put things straight first, i'm not blaming you for putting me in this state. Actually i'm kind of happy that i've had to learn it the hard way. They always say i'm too stubborn for my own good, and all i needed was a good knock form time to time to keep me on the right track. So yeah. Thanks for all the times you've been there for me. Thanks for listening to me bitch and rant and all my nonsense. Thanks for putting up with my dogged persistance in chasing something that was never there. For all the lessons learnt, for all the hurt i've felt, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I think i've learnt to cap my sarcasm and ironic outlook on life. The lessons i've had to learn (albiet the hard way), the sacrifices i've made, may all seem redundant to you (and to me for that matter), but the experience gained? Priceless. Because of you, i've learn to change, from a vulgar and insensitive bum, to a guy who can actually find a caring heart if he really has to. Its all thanks to you. Seriously. If there is anyone i should be grateful for for the lessons learnt in life, you're up there, together with my parents (and maybe God).

To the girl who was the first, this is sort of a tribute to you. I guess that may never read this but it don't matter. You were the first and according to you, there will be others for me. Maybe i will find someone else, maybe i won't. In the end, all that matters is that you're happy. And if you are happy, that's all that i can hope for. I wouldn't force you into doing something you did not like, and i would not force you to like me even. As long as you are happy, i think i can find the happiness inside of me somewhere, in this stone heart of mine. The memories, the lessons, the hurts, the laughs and the tears attributed to you, will remain with me for a long time, till i find someone better or till the day when i can't even remember how to write my chinese name (that day isn't far off, trust me. my chinese has gone to the dumps). You were the first to find a chink in the armour, the cracks in the stone. Maybe i was a fool for falling for you, but a smart fool i've become.Speaking to friends over the past few days, i've come to realise how close i was to losing a friend like you. Just a normal friend. I was that close. But i guess that i've finally woken up. I'm not going to the extremes of deleting you from my contacts, mainly because its is impossible for me to do. I hate to lose friends and so i would have hated losing you, as a friend.

Before i finish up, i just want to apologise. I'm sorry for making your life difficult, for all the awkward moments you had to endure. I don't know whether what i did caused you unneccessary worry. For that, i'm truly sorry. For seeing all my moods, from the nicest, most polite side, to the evil and vulgar side, and most importantly, tolerating them. For all the times when i gave you the snub when u made genuine attempts at friendship, to the times i pissed you off bad enough that you refused to even look at me. For all the time you've wasted on me, trying to get your message across that it will not work out, i'm sorry. And i'm sorry for being a pain to you. I must have caused you much distress, much sleepless nights and stuff, maybe even a few tears. I wouldn't know, but yeah. I'm sorry. There is most probably no way for me to make it up to you, nor do i think i'll even get a chance to do so. But still, i guess that this almost 'public' apology would suffice to appease your good nature, which was one of the reasons i fell in the first place. I really do not know how to make it up to you, so in my little way, i hope you accept the apology. I'm not trying to vindicate myself here, because i know it is insufficient. After all the pain you've been through because of me, its no suprise if u refuse to forgive me, so i leave it all up to you to decide.

And as this bittersweet romance comes to an end, i would like to say thanks, to all those out there who were by my side, through the dark mood swings and the happy ranting on about how i felt. Thanks for listening, thanks for laughing along with me, thanks for comforting me, but most importantly, thanks for being there. And thanks to you. For the lessons learnt, and the values taught. You've made me a changed man, and for that, i'm grateful.

P.S. There were fireworks with your name on it for your birtday. I set them up and launched them for a whole load of people to see. =)

Middle of me.

2006-11-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

As much as i want to say something, it just happens that i don't know how to put it down in words. Well, the best way i think is to talk it out with someone. Anyone will do.

I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Are you?

Who's mee? Really? I'm free enough to contact almost anyone, problem is, how do i contact you if i don't even know who you are? Or maybe the answer is obvious, and that i'm so blind not to see it.

The Aftermath

2006-11-26T21:12:00.000+08:00

Before anything else, i've only got 1 thing to say: 24 hour guard duty sucks. Its really boring with absolutely nothing to do at all. I managed to finish 2 books during that time, and stupidly enough didn't get much sleep for the whole day. Thank god that the guard commander was a nice guy, we didn't get turned out and the DOS was one of my Coy sergeants. I actually kinda enjoyed myself other than for the boredem part and not being able to spend the Saturday slacking, but who cares? It occupied me from thinking too much about my problems so i'm not complaining.

Sunday morning, played paintball with the guys. The Adeptes Astartes as we were called (cool right). We kicked 31st council ass and raped them 3-0 which is good for a noob like me. Thanks ben for organising the game and thanks to all the guys who went down to play today. If only it was cheaper.. We could play every other week. Haha.

I've been taking unneccessary risk these few days, wonder why. During Cat ! weather in Sungei Gedong, i was standing out in the open just staring into nowhere. Later, my buddy told me that i was talking to myself, and i don't even remember doing it. Then on another occassion, i just turned all 'garang' for no reason and started doing stupid things inside my rig without the proper protective equipment. I could have killed myself. But how is it that i don't really care anymore? I've adopted sort of a devil may care attitude to life. It has thrown all sort of shit at me. Fate or destiny or whatever has given me a horrible hand and so i've decided to fuck life back. Go ahead and make my day, and i'll make yours too. Try anything funny with me and i'll try something funny with you. Just try. Go ahead. You say i'm going crazy? I say hell yeah. Sheesh! Does it really have to come to this? Its not that i would want it to turn out this way, but its the only way i know how to face my problems. Give me strength, give me back the days when life was simpler.

On a lighter note, i get the strangest feeling that i'm actually getting slightly better. I think i may just give it one more shot. Just one more try. If nothing happens, i know that i've wasted my time. If something does happen (most probably not) then i'll be back to my cheerful and happy self once again. Just so you know, i'm going to put in my fullest effort for the next few weeks at least and see what happens, sort of like last burst of fire before a retrogade I'm slowly working my way out of the rut and hopefully i'll stay out of it this time rather than fall into the never ending abyss of crap i'm going through now.

I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, i flew too high. Like Icharus i collide. With a world i've tried so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to live an die.

2006-11-22T21:30:00.000+08:00

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY CORNER TO DIE....

Faded

2006-11-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

Ok, so it wasn't so bad after all. Signed one extra duty for the farcas which happend last week. Will be serving it this Saturday (bloody 24 hour duty), which puts me in certain jepoardy with my plans to go paintballing on Sunday morning. Well, what can i say other than just shut up and eat the shit. Should still be able to make the game time though. Finish duty by 0745 and i'll leave camp by 0830, leaving me half an hour to take a cab down to the place. At least then ben won't rip my head off for not turning up, though i may misfire like a chao recruit because i'm just so damn tired (24 hour duty = no sleep for at least 18+ hours). Anyway, i'm kinda glad that the only punishment i'm getting is 1 extra duty and nothing else. And the best part is that my December is not screwed because of it. I'm really really really really very lucky. Haha.

Oh yah, to the council guys, this is an open invite to my birthday party on the 16th of Dec. Yup, the youngest councillor is finally 19 years old. Haha. The girls don't seem interested so its all up to you. And remember to bring the implements of torture. I'm daring u guys to try to wassup me, though my parents wouldn't really care. Booze will be almost free-flow i guess, just 'kope' some from my bro's party doen the corridor. Yup. So we'll most probably booze till late, then my room (and whichever part of the house not being slept on by my bro's friends) is yours to command or sleep upon, where upon at the ungodly (yes, ungodly cos you're all most probably hungover) time you guys get up we can do whatever we want for the rest of the day. So yup. Generic plans so drop me a line if u want to come so i can get the food preped and ready to go.

Yep, i'm on the verge of giving up. I've been trying it for what? 2 years already, and yet, all i've gotten were 4 rejections. I mean like, i can't take much more of it. Every night, before i go to bed, i look back and see wasted chances, wasted time. I don't know what drives me to carry on this 'crusade' when what faces me seems like a 99% chance of failure. That's how a part of me feels right now. But another part of me feels different. It somehow feels different this time, like there is a sense of good-feeling in the air, something which i have never felt for quite a long time. Its these differing feelings that seem to be driving me to the point of no return. To pop the question now, to confess all my feelings, or to just let these feelings go away, never to be resurfaced again. I really do not know what to do. Some advice would be good, but all i'm getting are vague answers which carry little weight or are based on personal prejudices of one sort or another. To make matters worse, i sometimes don't even know what happening over the fence. Is she with someone else? Is she going to be receptive? Its these sort of questions that make me wonder. Is love even worth it?

I guess its time i went back to my shell and examine myself before jumping to any conclusions. I guess that its the only way that i will get out of the rut i've been falling back into all these years.

There goes my leave...

2006-11-18T14:47:00.000+08:00

Crap. All it takes is one stupid mistake to screw up all my plans for December. Looks like i'll be doing alot of extra duties next month. All because the fugging officers locked the office with the office key inside, and because the irresponsible CQ decided that he didn't want to take the key out before leaving camp. The asshole. Because of that, i most porbably will have to do duties starting from next week onwards. Thank god my CSM is a rather nice guy, so i may be doing weekdays instead of weekends. I hope i don't get too many. At most i think maybe he'll throw like 7 duties at us (total of 5 specs). I think i'll have to do 2 lah. 1 weekend at least. Just hope its not the 16th or the Chrisrtmas period. If not, i'm really screwed. Ah what the hell. I'll just pray about it and hope that maybe we won't get anything other than a very stern warning. It won't happen again i hope. Haha.

Spent half of the last week in Gedong. 1 more week to go and i'm 'free'. Maybe then i'll start enjoying myself. Hope that i'll survive cause i'm really very very very tired with the Army. Oh yes. That reminds me. To all my newly promoted spec friends, welcome to the family brothers! We will not falter! Haha. All the bloody politics they play, i thought that school was bad. Now its worse. People whon cause others to suffer are all assholes (like my CQ). He's a real pain. Even on normal days. This time, he's gone overboard. I'll make him pay, one way or another. Revenge is sweet, but it will be sweeter once he goes down. Haha. That's my evil side speaking, so don't get in my way. I'm seriously ok with people being assholes, cause i'm one myself, but just don't do anything that makes me suffer or hell will break loose. I'm a nice guy. Seriously.

We haven't talked for about a week. Wonder how she is. Maybe i shouldrop her a line. What do you think?

Its GEDONG time!!

2006-11-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

I don't believe it. I'm going back to Gedong for a week!! Argh! I hate the bloody place, but i don't have much of a choice. For a whole week, i'll be eating out of boxes, sitting on the ground with no chairs, missing my computer and missing my television too. Not forgetting that i'll be missing my bed back home and all the luxuries which leading an 8 to 5 job bring. Sigh. The inequalities of life and all the bloody ironies it brings. Just 1 more full week and i'll be done. 1 more full week and i'll be back in my nice comfy office clearing whatever work i ahve left, and on the 6th of December... FREEDOM!! 1 month of leave to clear till after boxing day. Not counting my trip to the jolly island of Bintan with my family, that's a total of 17 days of rest and relaxation. Just lazing around not doing anything except sleep, maybe go down to Sentosa for a bit of a look see (its the school holidays man!), put some time in the gym (IPPT in march, aiming for Gold = $200) and most importantly, NOT WEARING GREEN FATIGUES (or using any race that is green for that matter, that's for you ben.. haha). But yeah, just 1 more week and i'll be a super happy man. Just try not to get bogged down with all the back log of work and i'll be fine. Maybe i'll requisition one of my pioneers to do my work for me. Hehe. Now that will be fun. I'll just sit back, relax and pretend that i'm really busy, when in actual fact, i'm sleeping in the bunk. Haha. Till then.

1 MORE WEEK!!!!!!!!

I don't want to lead an Army life. I just want to lead a simple life!

Dreams?

2006-11-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

Been having these weird (but good) dreams lately. Wonder what they mean. Roughly it revolves around me chasing someone around, but everytime i seem to be getting close, as i reach out and grab hold of her, it just slips away. Everytime. Maybe it is a reflection of what is happening to me now. I don't know. Dreams can be confusing at times. Still i wonder what they really mean. Am i going to get the prize i've been going for all these years? Or maybe i'm fated not to get it. Who knows? Till i find the answers, i'll enjoy those dreams. They always make me wake up with a fuzzy feeling inside. Wonder why?

Did 2 days of guard duty this week, on Wednesday and Friday, so i'm feeling super zombie and super stoned right now. Crazy. So all i did this weekend was to sleep, play computer (finally installed dark crusade) and eat like a pig, which isn't exactly the best way to spend the weekend. By the way, i had a rather slack week other than for the guard duty. Spent hours on end in the computer labs. Too bad i got to get back out to the field for the next 2 weeks, which is rather crappy in a sense. Other tahn that, i should be fine in camp to say the least. Anyway, speaking of unhealthy habits, i think i should get out more over the weekends. Its starting to get on my nerves (and my parent's nerves) that all i do everytime i'm home is to switch on the computer and just play. I need to start going out more and get a life! Maybe i should get a girlfriend. Haha. That way, i can be assured that i will spend less time around the computer and more time out of the house. Besides, it will freak my parents out if they find out that i'm attached so its an option for me to consider. I was made to make my parents freak out, so i might as well do it while they cans till take stress. Haha. I'm e-vile. So if any single female out there is interested and meets the stringent criteria (its very stringent, trust me), you know what to do.

Sick. I'm shamelessly advertising myself on the net. Haha. Its not right, but its my blog. Who cares? Maybe it could help me solve the riddle of my dreams. That will be nice. And i seriously hope its you and no one else that answers the call. Am i desperate? Maybe. Let's find out. Haha.

What a beautiful smile, Could you stay for awhile? Beautiful love.

Goodbye Again?

2006-11-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

It's in your mind,
It's in your eyes.
So it's goodbye again.
It's way past time,
For one last try.
So its goodbye again.
Goodbye again.

So, is it really goodbye for real this time? Is there really no turning back, no way we can resolve the issues? I don't know. Maybe it will solve itself some how. Things in my life seem to have a funny way of resolving themselves, but always in the way that i do not want it to end up. I guess i've just got to suck it up and get on with life. Can't let something like this bog me down from doing the things i really want to do.

Well, WoW subscription ends in 3 days time. I am actually kinda glad that it's ending. That way, i've got more time to do things i want to do. DRIVING! Starting in December when i go on leave. Haha. That would help me get my mind of things, though it won't help me save any money. Speaking about money, i've got to be more prudent in the way i'm spending my cash. Its like going faster than it comes in. Better do something about it if i want to leave the Army with some cash in the account, and its not as if the Army pays me a hell lot. I DON"T BELIEVE I PAID $120 FOR NEW GAMES AND A NEW GAMING MOUSE!!! CRAP! Ok, fine, i got backpaid almost 300 bucks last month, but still it doesn't give me a reason to spend so much at 1 shot. I must be going crazy. Haha.

As my course progresses, it seems to be getting better. Slowly. The warrants are starting to talk less and make more sense, I don't spend so much time waiting for things to happend, I'm not as sai kang anymore and most importantly, i got to g home nearly everyday this week, which is kinda good for me. Problem is that i'm just so damn drained that i can't muster the strength to anything much these few days. I mean like, i've turned into some sort of gaming zombie. Take today for example. I woke up at 10, and started playing computer almost immediately, which kinda sucks. I really am starting to lose my grip on reality. Haha. Not funny anymore. Seriously. Can't let the game take over my life.

Participating in a triathalon at the beginning of next month. Looking at my fitness state, i think i may just drop dead halfway while running. Haha. Better train up, if not for the pride of my unit, then for my own personal pride. There are scores which i have to settle with myself.

Is it goodbye again? I hope. Doing everything in my ability to make sure it goes right this time.

Keep your voices down

2006-10-31T22:13:00.000+08:00

I feel like shit. Seriously. It seems that i don't have anymore things to live for. All i do everyday is drudge work, just like the ultimate 'sai kang' warrior. Like, Ivan! Where are the rations? Ivan! Throw the trash! WTF!!! For god's sake, i'm a friggin 3rd Sergeant, but yet i'm still being treated like shit. I'm like the lowest ranking guy in the course i'm attending now. Its full of regulars. Ok, fine. Some of the regular specialist are kinda cool. I just can't stand them smoking all over the place, especially when they decide that they need a communal smoke break and just smoke all over the place. It's like the haze, only much worse. But oh man, fuck all the bloody long-winded warrant officers. They have too much to say. Every night without fail, we'll end trainig late because those bastards have to have their 2-cents worth before they are happy. Ok, its not really 2-cents, more like 5 bucks worth. They just keep rambling on and on and on... It just keeps going. A little like this blog, but they are worse. I wouldn't want to be in their tender care any longer than i have to. Only 3 more weeks. This starting to sound like the time i was a trainee Corporal. Haha. This feeling kinda sucks but i guess its temporary.

The feeling is worse, now that i have lost my first office politics battle. Maybe i tried taking too big a bite out of the cake, targeting my OC as prime target No. 1. Haha. Shit. She somehow found out that i actually really hated her despite the friendly facade i put up around her. Well, i used to pride myself with my subtle skills of deception and manipulation. I guess that i'm getting rusty, but what the fuck. Haha.

I'm seriously damn confused witht the signals i'm getting now. What do they mean? What should i do?

Breaking the habit

2006-10-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

Spending the last night outfield gave me alot of time to think. Ok, technically i wasn't outfield cos i was sleeping in a 5-Tonner on a safari bed. Its just this regular conversion course that i'm attending now, 5 weeks of shit which i don't have much of a care about, but unfortunately i have to attend. So, sitting in the dark interior of the vehicle, it came to me that i ahve a lot of issues which are kind of getting in the way of my progress towards anything. And i only have to blame myself for it. Its no one elses fault but mine. I admit that i think too much, give myself too much hope and just assume that i'm god's gift to the world. Well, its just me, and i would like to apologise for it. For making people worried about me and stuff. Yup. Its ok. You guys got your own lives to lead so go ahead and live it. Don't worry too much about me cos i've been through alot before and i think i can get through this alone. Well, i guess that i just have to ask and there most probably will be people there to look out for me.

I don't have the guts to do what must be done, and it tears me up inside. All the guys i talk to say its not worth, but still, i can't help but think that there is something there and that i'll regret if i don't take this opportunity. And how would i know if it is possible if i don't try. Well, i just don't have to guts. I doubt i'll be able to take another outright rejection.

Something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it. Argh!! It tears me up inside.

When we were young.

2006-10-24T21:35:00.000+08:00

Before i start off this post, i would like you guys reading to ignore the previous posts. I was just feeling really very down, just one of my moods. Its like running headlong into a wall. Seriously. The only person who feels anything is me and no one else. Ok, maybe not just me, but the only person to feel the detrimental effects is me. I humbly apologise to all those involved and hope that no offence is taken. I know you guys are always there. Its just that i didn't realise it when it mattered. To Ben and Miah, thanks a million dudes. Thanks for being there when i needed it. On hindsight, it really wasn't worth it.

Sometimes, i just wish i was young again. It was so simple then, when everything was taken for granted. Now, things have changed. I'm not the same person i used to be. I try to be more of a man, rather than a boy. But its just so difficult, fighting me demons, day in day out. It doesn't help when you get people dumping their problems on you and you've got nowhere to dump yours. Furthermore, it really really doesn't help when you get ignored by someone whom you really care about. I just want to talk with no other motive but yet its so difficult to do. But i figured that i shouldn't get angry, neither should i try to get even because all it can breed is just more pain and i'll-feeling between us. Its not worth it. I've spent more than 2 years trying to nurture a relationship between us and i don't want to ruin it just because of something i said on impulse.

Yeah. So if you are reading this, i guess that you are most probably pissed off with me and i can totally understand the sentiment.But if you happen to forgive me, just give me a message? I mean like i guess its time we had a real talk rather than just writing words which mean nothing without the human touch. I hate technology, but i love it when i see your face, your smile. If you can't or won't forgive me just yet, i accept your decision. But i hope you will.

Hope. Hope is everything i have left.

Whitehorse

2006-10-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

3 days out field, 0 hrs sleep. That kind of sums up my whole week. Whitehorse was a pain in the ass, but after spending nearly 3 months being an office drudge slave, it felt kind of good. Not taking a shower, eating meals out of a green pack, mosquitoes biting in unatural places and best of all, no sleep for 2 days, it actually feels good. Makes me feel alive just to spend a few days out in Gedong, with nothing but my SBO and full pack to keep me company through the never ending nights and crazy long days. was assigned to be safety spec for the exercise. Got a rover to myself, which was acttually kind of fun until you realised that both you and the driver do not know your way around the bloody place, which is damn super huge and confusing. Got lost no less than 5 times in 1 night, due to a lack of sleep and a lack of knowledge of the terrain. But still, i found my way out and so here i am updating this blog.

Went to help out j1 retreat this weekend. It was kind of fun goofing around with the guys. But still, i feel really pissed off over 2 things. Firstly, i feel that the j1 batch are a bunch of ill disciplined bastards and have no respect for authority. Secondly, where in the world did they find that useless bunch of f-ed up facils. They don't even count as people to me. They sucked, to put it simply. I was real disappointed to see that the facils were giving me more problems that than the participants. I feel really disappointed, but what can i do or say? Like i make any difference to what other people say and do. Its all screwed up in the end.

I think of myself as a person who is aways there for others when they need it. When a buddy says he's feeling down, i'm always there to lend a listening ear. But when i have problems, no one seems to be there at all. When i need to talk to someone, they just brush me off like i was yesterdays trash. They don't even have the fucking courtesy to tell me they don't want to talk. They just don't listen. I'm really sick of being a nice guy. I want to have friends whom i can talk to on a mature level, not just about the Army, or about school, or only about their problems and not listen to mine in turn. Maybe i should be less nice. At least that way, i'll have no friends which in turn would mean that i wouldn't have to be a social animal anymore. I could just curl up into a ball and die in the corner while everyone just walks by me, ignoring me. After all, i'm meant to be ignored aren't i? I'm not good enough for you people to waste your time on but good enough for me to waste my time on you. I've had it with me eading this double life, this 2-faced lie of a life. I've been a fool and i've been made a fool by people whom i thought were my friends. Thanks alot guys, for wasting my time on your petty feelings and thoughts. Thanks alot for not being where i needed you most. Thanks alot for ignoring me.

Ah, what the hell. Like anyone actually bothers about me. I shouldn't even bother to talk about it. After all, who cares? this blog is a fucking sham. Maybe i should close it down.

I think i'm going crazy

2006-10-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

Its final. I'm going to stop playing WoW as soon as my subscription ends (7th November 2006, 04:35PDT), period. Enough is enough i think. I spent 10 hrs playing today, which kind of sucks considering that weekends are meant to be enjoyed. Well, i felt like it was a total waste of my time. Burned my whole Sunday not doing anything productive at all. Except playing. Crap. Feel like i've wasted my whole weekend. Ok fine, there was no mobilisation, but still? Argh!!! I wish i could go out more. At least i went out on Saturday to the CJ open house. Was kinda fun in a way but still, it wasn't enough. And the feeling of a wasted Sunday? ARGH!!!!

I swear to stop WoW-ing when my subscription ends!

Ok, enough about how shitty my weekend was. Now about how shitty the coming week is going to be for me. Let's start with Monday...

Monday: Beg people to lend me a bucket of lubricant; Take the pioneers out to do sai kang; Get screwed by a maniacal OC; Paperwork
Tuesday: Liason for stores; Collect the stores; Load the stores
Wednesday: Liason for stores; Collect the stores; Load the stores; Outfield to Gedong (no shower, no toilet, mosquitoes)
Thursday: Outfield, outfield and even more outfield
Friday: Outfield, Unload stores, Wash stores, Return stores, Wash vehicles, Get screwed; Book out late
Saturday: CJ Retreat (finally a respite)
Sunday: SISPEC section outing; Get ready back to work

Oh man, just thinking of the coming week gives me bad headaches. Haha. Can i get a norovirus? Please? I don't mind going to the toilet every few minutes and feeling like shit just so that i can get away from this mess i'm in. Seriously. Being on MC is much better than going to work, just like going to school is better than going to work :) (sorry girls).

Another thing. I finally found the swebsite i heve been looking for for so long. JOHNSTONE FITNESS.COM!! Finally, some motivational inspiration for me to hit the gym again, to get myself back into shape. Imagine a fat guy turning into a lean mean fighting machine. WOW!!! I like and i want. I'm going to get myself back into the gym, pumping the iron and doing the cardio. I'm going to take the pain like a man. Haha. For the future, i'll do anything.

But first, to get off WoW...

On a lighter note..

2006-10-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

Ok, i think i've recovered some what from my last depression like state. I know you guys are tired of me writing about my sad life, so i'll right something happier, well not so happy if you happen to be in the line of fire. If you happen to be in it and feel unhappy, please tell me asap and i'll consider your stand. Maybe i'll apologise, or maybe, if i feel mean, i'll find an excuse to jack you back even more. I don't like being unhappy, trust me. No one does. I guess that if i just smile and laugh, things would somehow solve itself. I wish...

But wtf. Back to the real issues. I've spent the last 2 days in NTU supposedly on course. However, the last 2 days have been more than just a simple course. Oh please let time pass faster so i can step into the uni as a student myself. It seems so, how would i put it, carefree. Just strolling ard the campus, chatting with friends, looking at girls.. haha... I really want to go to uni. Life seems so much simpler there then in the army. It's like i'm in another dimension altogether. There is no regimental hierachy, no boundaries and most importantly, no need to wear ugly camouflaged green. I know the girls may disagree, but when compared to the army, uni is really heaven. Seriously.

Ok. Next. Mooncake festival. Haha. I surprisingly ate very little mooncakes this year. And the best part was, i spent the whole of the night not looking at the moon, rather i was sitting in the guard room, getting my lungs filled with smoke from some obscure region in indonesia. It kinda sucked, but considering that the alternative was to sit (yeas ladies and gentlemen, really sit) in the park to eat the mooncakes and look at the moon that if i was not wrong, not even there in the first place. No sleep that night, was a grumpy monstrosity for the rest of the weekend.

Speaking about the haze, it seems that the indonesians keep shooting themselves in the foot. Year after year, they just keep burning their forest, thus making poor sad sods like me with slight lung problems wheeze and struggle for breath. I mean seriously. What the hell are they trying to do? Don't burn so much lah. If u want the trees, cut it down with a chainsaw or axe. If u want the ground to be fertile, but fertilizers (rushes to start up a fertilizer company selling to the inons only). Do anything, but please don't burn the trees anymore. Seriously, if man didn't discover fire, we wouldn't have this problem. But come to think of it, if we didn't have fire, what would we have? I wouldn't like living in a cave, but if i didn't know anything more comfortable, would i really care? Its all relative.

Anyway, was doing some thinking and i've remembered something which i have taken advantage of all these years. Thanks to Tiff for helping me remember. My dad used to say, "I'm not giving u an MC. Just take 2 PANADOLs and go to bed". Usually it works. I guess that what he really meant to say was that i should just keep looking forward. take a chill pill, and everything a=can be settled when you are calm and cool. No need to rush things let them happen naturally.

So i say this. Just bring it on. I'm prepared and waiting for the final outcome.

Trying to run.

2006-10-09T22:18:00.000+08:00

I would like to visit you for awhile,
Get away and out of this city.
Maybe i shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.
We can go sit on your back porch,
Relax
Talk about anything,
It don't matter.
I'll be courageous as long as you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

Because i don't know you anymore,
I don't recognise this place.
The picture frames have changed and so has your name.
We don't talk much anymore,
We keep running from the pain.
But what i wouldn't give to see your face again.

Springtime in the city,
Always such relief from the winter freeze.
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what i mean.
Everyone's got an agenda,
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright.
Can you believe what a year its been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

Because i don't know you anymore,
I don't recognise this place.
The picture frames have changed and so has your name.
We don't talk much anymore,
We keep running from the pain.
But what i wouldn't give to see your face again.

I know i let you down,
Again and again.
I know i never really treated you right,
I've paid the price,
I'm still paying for it everyday.

So maybe i shouldn't have called,
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell,
It doesn't really matter.
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Just something from my past. Read it carefully and you may figure out what i'm going through.

Excuse me, are you wearing space pants?

2006-10-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

Before anything else, i'm not wearing space pants, and this post really has nothing to do with space pants, or any kind of pants for that matter. Ok, there. Point set. Down to the real business.

It feels so good to hear your voice,
Saying my name it sounds so sweet.
Coming from the lips of an angel,
Saying those words it makes me weep.
Lady, never want to say goodbye,
But girl you make it hard to be faithful.
With the lips of an angel.

You know what? No matter how much i rage against something or someone, in the end, it always ends up that i either make peace with the person or make peace with myself. You may call me a fool, but it just isn't in my nature to stay angry for long. I don't bear grudges, but i do bear the hurt of what ever caused the anger. I try not to let it show, but invariably, it does. And when it does, it turns me dark and evil. I apologise for my moods. I really am. If what i ahve written has hurt you, i'm sorry for that too. I hope to make my peace with you, and hope that something can be made from it.

I want to run away from this dark side, but i find it so difficult. Facing it is too tough without support. Will you be there when i need you? I don't know. Only you can answer that question.

Turning a corner?

2006-10-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

I think i'm feeling better now. Ignore my last post. I was a little drunk after having too much fun with my friend Mr Absolut. Right now, i feel almost fine, except that i had a real shit day at work. I know better now. I will try not to be in the office from around 1630 onwards. That way, nobody can throw extra work for me to do, thereby allowing me to leave camp at about 1700 sharp. I feel like a Bengali busboy who has been working for the whole dinner service and yet gets shouted at by the maitre'd and the chef, after which, he is tasked to clear the grease traps, take out the trash and wash up after the drunk bartender just for that bit of extra cash to send to his family back home. Only difference between him and me is that he's getting OT pay. I'm not. Try living on a measly $660 a month and still having to work dog hours and stuff. If i have to do an officer's job, you had better pay me the respect and pay of an officer. If not, you can piss off and do the stuff on your own. I've had it with people messing up my plans. For god's sake! I wanted to go out to town to meet some secondary school friends and i had to cancel everything last minute. Enough is enough, i'm putting my foot down!

Anyway, i would like to thank some people. When i was at my lowest, you guys (and gal) were there to help me up again. Ben, i've known u since primary school. Thank god you were there to help me out. Tiff, thanks alot. What u said really helped me realise that i had friends on which i can count on and rely on when i needed it most. For that, i'm deeply grateful. I think i've turned a corner. I've learnt to let go somewhat, but certain things are too precious to me for me to just let them go so easily. If its anything to go by, i've decided to pursue my dreams. if i can't do it locally, i'm determined to do it else where. Currently looking at pre-med courses in american universities. There is a chance i may go there to study. Boston College, get ready for an invasion!!

Me and my friend, Mr Absolut

2006-10-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

I'm typing this while watching "The F Word" on television. Its a food show mind you, not some funny crap which you may be thinking right now (i'm not that sort of guy, trust me). Right now, their talking about how food is somehow causing men to get low sperm counts and mutated ones even. Lol. i'm going to start eating more oily fish, more tomatoes and drink loads and loads of water. time to start taking care of myself.
On my lap, is my dad's new laptop. A real sleek machine which i kinda like. Maybe i'll trade my old crappy Fujitsu for his spanking new IBM Lenovo. Nice sleek and nice with a fingerprint reader. I like. Haha.
Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that my only real friend is this bottle of peach Absolut vodka which i have had for quite awhile. Still got half a bottle left which is nice, considering that a bottle cost almost $70. Maybe a bottle every 2 or 3 months. That would be real nice. Anyway, it is my real friend because i can do anything to it and it would never complain. Its always close at hand and it suprisingly has yet to make me drunk. My friend, Mr Absolut (or whatever your name is), thank you for making Russia's most famous product (after Maria Sharapova and shashlik) readily avaliable to people with no real friends like me. You're my only friend cos you're always there. Vodka with cranberry, vodka with sprite or just plain vodka. They all work for me. If i can't trust real people, then maybe i should trust Mr Absolut, from Russia with love.
I know that you told me that you're against using alcohol to help me with my problems. But i can't help it. I'm sorry. Just need to get over this rough patch.

Maybe she could help me. If only.

Can't smile no more

2006-09-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

Something weird is happening to me and i don't know what it is. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at my phone, waiting for something to happen. I seem to spend a lot of my free time thinking of things long gone but apparently not forgotten. I spend a lot of time thinking.
I remember i promised myself a clean break, but yet, the feeling is coming back. Its not easy to fight these demons especially when they are so alluring. It was just there, right in front of me, and yet again i missed the boat. Is it that difficult for something like that to happen? Am i that useless? Or am i just fated to stay the way i am till the day i find myself in an oven, 1 foot into a wall? Its driving me crazy, yet i torture myself over nothing. Its like as if i was never there in the first place. Maybe i dream too much, maybe i think too much. Who knows? Even i myself don't really know. I wanted a break. I got it for what? 2 months when everything seemed normal until just recently, when that feeling just came back. And this time, it seems to be coming at me with a vengence and i don't think i can stop it. What's wrong with me?
Friends. What are they actually? I thought i had them. Obviously i'm wrong. It seems that i'm only good to them when they are in need of something. Need help with a WoW quest? Need help with money? Need help with directions to some place you need to go? Fine. Just ask ivan. He'll give me what i need. But when he needs something from me, i'll be either too busy, or i can give some lame ass excuse cos he doesn't really mind. After all, he's too nice so he can be taken advantage of. I say this. Fuck you if you want to think that way. I'm better off without you bunch of scheming ass fair weathered "friends". I don't want to talk to you guys anymore. You don't deserve my time.
I'll never know it seems. I'll just let it pass. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. One thing is for sure, i'll try not to let my moods in. I'll fight the demons and i will win.

I hope.