The Idle Times

This is going to be... LEGENDARY!

2009-04-11T19:45:00.002+08:00

Its been way too long since i last blogged. Way way way way way too long. So much has happened since the last post. Anyway, before i dig a hole in the ground and start studying for the exams, i think a little update is in order.

Actually, there is nothing much to update really. Think about it. In the last 7 weeks, i have done almost nothing of note, save perhaps churn out essays at an almost demonic speed. Ok, maybe not the best way to describe it but it beats 'legendary' right? Moving on, other than that and having absolutely no life whatsoever, yup, that's pretty much it.

In 3 weeks, my first year as an undergrad will be over. I'll no longer be a freshie but a sophomore! Yeah! Whatever. As far as i'm concerned, its just the beginning of another long drawn grind with me fighting against idiots like Socrates and his philosophical cronies (including Mill, Descartes and Hobbes no less), struggling to get weird concepts around my head regarding what 'democracy' really means (in the course of this semester, i've come across no less than 5 different definitions) and finally its me against Microsoft Word or Apple Pages as i try and try to find the ultimate A+ essay (which won't be coming anytime soon).

At least school isn't that boring these days. Some professors are really really cool. Like this italian one who smokes before classes, offers us nicotine gum during, and whose favourite phrase is either "I don't really care" or "bull.. ermm.. business." He's cool. And the not so cool? The Canadian who sounds like she is choking or has just run the marathon (but judging by her size i would say the former). In between we've got the hyper New Zealander and the sadistic German (he must be from east Germany right?), who is not from East Germany (damn!) but close enough (the other side of the Berlin Wall). Oh and he looks like Harry Potter and he's into this Zen meditation bull.. ermm.. business. And then there are the MacDo trips with Tappy and Khai and all the other rubbish like Mountain Dew being the 'drink of the gods from Mount Olympus' (i swear we were having a tough day in the KALLIPOLIS). Really crazy days in school which i won't be forgetting anytime soon.

As fun as it may all sound, its kind of getting on my nerves. Seeing the same people everyday may be fun (undoubtedly) but it gets really tired quickly. I need some new friends (not that i haven't made any) but shit.. you know what i mean. Oh yah. And i need a girlfriend too. Too much chest bumping with the guys is making me too much of a bro. Any further and i may just end up crazy like Barney in 'How I Met Your Mother'. Damn that's scary.. but on second thought, maybe not so bad. AWESOME!

By the way, if you know any girls, at least 1.75m tall WITHOUT HEELS (the taller the better), be a bro and tell me! HAHA!

RECESS!!!

2009-02-22T11:34:00.002+08:00

Finally, its recess week. After 6 weeks of torture in school, its finally time for me to kick back and relax for a bit right? Wrong! 2 essays due right after the break and i have no idea how to even begin. On top of that, my writing seems to have leveled out. I can't seem to write anything better than a B+ and its a pain to know that if i continue at this rate, i'll probably be mucking out toilets after i graduate.

Recess is meant to be a time where i can just chill out and not do anything. Seriously. I need sleep and i need sleep. Haha. Oh well. This sucks but can't do anything about it except just do whatever i have to do. Sigh. There goes my university life, spent just mugging and writing, rinse and repeat.

Another 7 weeks of school, exams and i've survived my first year as an undergraduate. At least 2 more 2 go then. Speaking of which, i need to plan my schedule for the holidays. I applied for an internship with the MFA, then i've got reservist to do, which really sucks. Also considering summer school in LSE and at the same time attend my brother's graduation. Hopefully all i've planned would fall nicely in place. London is calling me back and i really want to go back too. Is there a hidden opportunity for me? I wonder. Maybe, just maybe.

The only reason i'm still single..

What's new, Ivan?

2009-01-18T23:26:00.002+08:00

What's new? Actually nothing much. Other than for the new year, things are pretty much the same. Yeah i know i've been really lazy the past few weeks (or months, i'm not one to take note really), not blogging and stuff. So, to to my defence, i'm going to say and whine that the exams were a pain in the ass, i've been out of the country most of the time and i've started playing WoW (uh-oh) again.

First things first, the exams. Even after taking them for the past don't-know-how-many-years worth of them, i still find them a pain. Worse still in Uni, seeing those assholes mugging gives me the creeps. Worse is i think that it is rubbing off on me. I haven't studied properly in oh 5 years? and all of a sudden i find myself staying late in the library poring over books barely understand. Ah, how life has changed over 4 months of school. Even then i still try and maintain a cool, laid-back image which may or may not suit me. Behind the facade, i'm just another mugger toad, the very species i've grown to detest so much. Anyway, i'm not really complaining i guess. I did better than i expected so i guess the studying is paying off.

Out of the country? Yeah. Spent a rather enjoyable trip to Genting with the fencing team and a week in Japan with the parents. No pics because i don't own a camera (hint hint, you know what i need for my next birthday =) ) so that's too bad. I really liked Japan. The food was excellent, people friendly and the weather awesome. Not to mention the sites which were impressive and educational at the same time. Fair enough i took a module in Japanese studies in my first sem. At least it helped me appreciate the culture and history of the country better. Would love to go there again. I just need the money. Anybody care to sponsor me? Haha.

Let's not talk about WoW. Its bad enough that i'm playing it again and wasting my life at the same time. For that i think i deserve some pity? Haha.

So yeah. What's new Ivan? Its a new year and a new semester in school. I'm already over my head with readings and its only the first week of school. 3 stupid books by long dead greek fags who think they understand the whole world. Stupid Plato and Socrates and Aristotle. Ancient Western Political Thought. Lol. 8 chapters by next week? Like i have no idea that most of what people think of as European history is all a sham. And guess what? The module has nothing to do with European history per se. European Politics. Lol. It seems that only International Relations and Comparative Politics are the only ones with sane reading lists. Well, its my fault for wanting to be a Political Science major. It was the only reasonable choice anyway, so i can't and won't complain anymore.

Anyway, Happy New Year to whoever reads this. I know its kinda late, but better late than never right?

The drunk

2008-11-01T23:25:00.002+08:00

Either i'm going crazy,or i'm going crazy. I've been drinking copious amounts of beer over the past few weeks, Sheesh. I'm really going crazy. Haha. See the cazy laugh? Haha.

Anyway, school's about to end. Things have been going rather well i think. Averaging Bs, but i'm sure i can do much better. But Bs? Argh. At the rate i'm going i'm going to have to live like a hermit to get first class honors. Sigh. There goes my life. And with the beer going in, its going to be tough staying sane to keep studying. Heard of academic suicide? I think i've committed it for doing Japanese as a language. I have the faintest idea about what is happening in class and the best i can do in class is muster up a kooky smile everytime my tutor asks me a question. And i can't exercise the Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory option because i'm in the Arts fac. There, a perfect example of academic suicide. So screwed.

Speaking of screwed, i have 2 weeks to my IPPT and i'm in such a pathetic physical state even after fencing for the past 3 over months. It will be a miracle if i actually pass. Looks like its RT for me. I heard that being in Uni allows me to skip RT but i'll need conirmation about that. Hopefully i'm allowed to do so. Then i had better train properly to pass at a later fate. This sucks. The Army is still trying to dictate the terms of my life even after i've finished my time. Screw it.

Oh well. Exams are around the corner too. Time really flies when you're having fun. I've come up with a new philosophy on life which i will expound on in my next post, coming after the exams probably. Too much to deal with right now. School work, bloody Army crap and other things too. Bad enough that i have no friggin time and i'm too friggin lazy.

You're pro or you're noob. That's life. --- Athene

Recess Week!

2008-09-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

A post is long overdue. Have been pretty busy lately trying to get into the Uni groove. Things are seemingly ok so i have no complaints, other than for the fact that i have 5 days of school a week, which is a MEGA pain in the ass. I never want to stop studying. Its too fun. And the alternative doesn't exactly seem very nice either. So i want to study for as long as possible, whihc means dragging my Uni life as long as possible. Haha.

Anyway, i got nothing much to say. As far as possible, i'm trying to leave the past behind and just keep moving forward. After all, you can't turn back time right?

Its been awhile...

2008-08-02T14:58:00.002+08:00

Its been while since my last post. Too many things to do, too little time (both of which are lies). Haha. Actually i've just been feeling really lazy the past month and my internet has gone all wonky on me. Apologies in advance for all that dinging and donging when i come online and go offline on MSN. And if i don't reply to your summons, its not my fault. Go blame singtel or whoever, just not me.

Anyway, back to some real stuff. In the previous post i wrote about how badly i did for Philosophy. I did really badly overall. A C+ for your first module back in school isn't exactly a fantastic start to life as a University student. Maybe its my fault (yes i'm admitting that i'm MAY be at fault here) to have chosen such an obscure module to start off with. The only consolation may be that i did rather well for my final paper to have gotten such a grade, considering the horrible one i got for the essay. At least Political Science treated me better. I think i may be able to hit an A- if all things go fine with the final. 2 Bs for 2 essays isn't that bad right? So yeah, maybe what i really needed was some time to adapt and adjust to being a student again. I swear the Army is a pain in the ass. I makes us guys become stupid, slow and lazy. That's life i guess. Anyway, i'm going to start working real hard from now on. If i'm lucky, maybe i'll try and transfer to the law fac next academic year. Sheesh. I've set really high standards for myself. Whether or not i can stick to my guns and reach my goal is another thing.

I've given up on rugby for now. I'm not joining the NUS team, which is quite a waste considering that i really love the sport to the bones. Apparently its hard to get in and the coach and players are closet assholes, especially when you come from a 'second-rate' rugby playing school. So much for trying to promote the sport in Singapore when its so cliqueish. Sigh. Anyway, i decided to try out something new again. I put my name down for fencing with khai and canoe polo with KP and miah. I'm leaning towards the polo side now. Oh yeah. At least i'm joining a sport. I have no excuse not to exercise anymore. Haha.

I'm pretty tired right now. Had to wake up early for exams today. It was good, except that i forgot to bring my identification for the paper and was pretty much in a mess for the whole morning. If you want to know what happened, i'm not telling here. I don't want my head to go rolling anywhere in a hurry. Speaking of class, i've got all the mods i bid for so i'm pretty chuffed with myself. In the end, there always seems to be that little silver lining to everything that happens to me.

Did i really just take an exam?

2008-06-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

Its been what? 2 and a half years since my last exam. I will never forget how i felt once i finished the last paper of my As (bio s none the less). A mixture of relief and dread, knowing that i had most probably screwed up another important stage in my academic career. MY MARKS (scars) PROVE MY WORTH! But really, there is nothing much to prove because i screwed up so badly that even now it hurts to think about it. Oh well. So i thought with a little more hard work and some divine intervention, i would be able to do better when i start off in Uni. After all, its meant to be a chil-lax place right? Wrong. I did so badly for my essay that i'll need a miracle if i'm going to even smell a B for the philo mod. This is bad because it totally screws up my plan to get a CAP of 4.5 for the whole course. Now with a mod which i screwed up, i'm in for one hell of a ride. Straight to hell again it seems.

Speaking of hell, is it me or is the weather going crazy again. One moment its like a mini tsunami has hit our shores the next, its as though the devil decided to dance a little jig on the island, mainly around the south western part of the island. Its torture especially considering the Uni is built on hills (note the plural). In the famous song from the Sound of Music, "The hills are alive/With the sound of groaning" And creaking knees. And breaking backs. And heavy breathing. From all the exertion. Ouch. The heat doesn't help, and neither does the humidity. Especially the humidity. ARGH! Why can't the weather be just a little bit cooler? That would save me a load of trouble, especially since i've become a ground-pounder again, walking everywhere, from A to Z.

Oh yeah. So i've finished my first ever mod in the Uni, and it didn't go very well. Good riddance to Philosophy for now at least. I'll try my best not to do anything philosophical for awhile. So there won't be anymore philosophical thoughts for awhile at least until i start doing political theory, then i'll have to study all those old greek, french english german and american bums again. Damn. I'm planning on specializing in IR with a sub-specialization in PT so i better use some time to brush up my reading and writing skills. Especially my writing skills. I can ill afford another philo essay again. Currently, i'm doing the intro mod to pol sci. Hopefully i can do better this time. After all, i want to do it as my major so i had better make myself known to the profs and whoever it may concern that i'm hanging around.

Anyway, i was just thinking about the time back in college. Was the council really that fragmented back then? I thought we could all (the guys at least) get along without killing each other. Ok, there may have been times when i almost killed someone during meetings (i won't say who) and there was the time i broke the CI room door out of frustration (which had nothing to do with council at all). Despite all that, i really felt that we had something going on. A bond of brotherhood and of trust. Covering each other's ass from the wrath of Jek Suan was the unspoken rule. But now, 3 years since we stepped down, things have gone to shit. Councillors at war with each other, grabbing at each other's throats. Even though we rarely meet, we seem to have this deep rooted hate within us. Why? I'm sick of being in the center of the conflicts. I've tried my best to hold what remnants of our brotherhood together. I'm sick of taking sides and being forced to do so. It hurts to see friends verbally beat the shit out of each other. Has the 3 years apart made us that different, that cocky?

Who knows these things. Not me that's for sure. All i know is that i'm tired. And sick of this very much. I feel like washing my hands off everything and just start living properly again. I'm looking for answers again. I'm no emo. I just need to find what i'm looking for.

Super Size Me? I think not..

2008-06-05T11:15:00.002+08:00

On Sunday night, Arts Central featured the movie 'Super Size Me' in their Film Art slot at 10pm. I really love eating fast food and i must say it is one of my vices. Though i do not eat it everyday like the people in the film, i do eat it often enough to know it is bad for me. Even then i still eat. Fries, chicken wings, cheeseburgers. All taste good to me. But after watching the show, it kinda left me sick to the stomach. Just 30 days is enough to kill you. Argh. I don't want to die in 30 days. The funny thing was that there was this guy who had eaten like 19000 burgers and has a rather low cholesterol level of 140. Like wow. The irony of that. Either way, i think i'll start cutting down on my intake of fast food. Its about time i made a some big changes in my life. Like the food i eat, the amount i eat. For god's sake, i'm starting to become tubby. Haha. Like round. I can't see my abs anymore, which is kinda depressing really. I blame my over 2 years of inactivity. The last time i did any real hardcore exercise was when i was forced to take part in my camp's inter-mess triathlon. I'm proud to say that after busting my ass, i came in a decent 2nd (from the back). And to think i want to get back to playing some hardcore rugby when i matriculate properly into the university. HAHA!

Ah, then again, i thought that i could just live the simple life from now on. No worries in the world and the like. Uni seemed like a haven to me, compared to the Army. In a sense it is, but with this new found freedom, comes another problem. Try being the stupidest guy in class and you'll know what i mean. Up till ow i can barely understand what is being taught, 4 weeks into the course. And there is the paper which is due in 2 weeks, and the exams in 2 weeks. Hell i don't even know how to start writing. I'm just so confused with things. Hopefully inspiration will strike me one day soon. And it had better be soon because i may just start going crazy. Haha.

So now i'm fat, stupid and starting to lose my grip on reality. Anyway, here's a thought for a week. It happens that now i'm reading Decartes (cogito ergo sum; i think, therefore i am). It also happens to be my essay topic. 'How do you know if you are living in the Matrix? And does it matter?' There it goes. I just lost all respect for one of my favorite trilogies of all time. Ok well, to make things simpler, here is another question you might like to ponder. 'Given that you can be fooled by dreams, how do you know you are not in one now?'

Think about it.

Too hot!

2008-05-22T12:12:00.002+08:00

I've only got 1 complaint these days. Why is the weather so bloody hot? Haha. I guess you guys must be feeling it too. The oppressive Singapore weather is back. Its like, why is the weather so whacked out these days. In the beginning of the year, it was unusually wet. it rained almost everyday, forcing me to stay home most days (and some other stuff too, but who really cares). Then it started going really crazy. Hot and dry one moment, wet and cold the next. Explains why my hacking cough acted up all over again. I really thought i was going to die. Seriously. And now, just as i'm starting school? Its hot like the deepest depths of hell. Ok maybe that's an exaggeration. Still, its hot enough to make want NOT to go to school. Like the weather ever was an excuse to skip school.

Anyway, so its the 2nd week of Special Term and i haven't changed my mind about NOT being a Philosophy major. Though i'm slowly beginning to understand what is being taught, i still have no idea how i'm going to write a 6-8 page essay to be handed up. And then there is the exam in 4 weeks time. Yeah. I'm screwed. Say bye-bye to my dignity as a man, i can't even keep my promise of doing well in University. I should just go to my corner and die. Haha. Its not that depressing lah. I just have to keep going forward i guess. Back straight, face forward, march! Then again, i still think Uni is a faceless place. Well, the people are at least. I'm still intimidated by those smart-alec assholes who can't seem to shut up during lectures and discussions sections. If i was still in college, chairs would be flying 'ala Gerald Fok. Haha. Those were the days when i could get into fights and get away with it. These days its not that simple anymore. Oh well. We all have to grow up sometime right?

Ok. Now for Ivan's 'A thought a week segment" Think about this:

For anything, Z, one either knows Z or doesn't.
If one knows Z, one cannot ask about Z.
If one does not know Z, one cannot ask about Z.
Therefore, for anything Z, one cannot inquire about Z.

Bet most of you didn't get that. Oh well. Neither do i and i'm a philosophy student. Now you know what i have to sit through every week. Maybe next week, they'll ask me what a chair is. If that happens, i think i may just walk out all together.

Back to school

2008-05-15T15:47:00.002+08:00

Finally, i'm back in school. So its supposed to be a good thing right? Right? Maybe it is, but from what i've experienced during the past week, i think it may just turn out to be a little experiment gone wrong.

So its special term time and i decided that i would sign up for 1 module. Just 1 single module to help me get the rust out of my head and to get the juices flowing properly. I signed up for a Philosophy module. And i'm kinda regretting that i did. Half the class are seniors. Having been in the system before, they easily assimilate into the system. Discussions, lectures blah blah. And the rest? The poor sad NSmen who don't even have a clue on what they are doing sitting in a lecture and not understanding what the lecturer is saying. And then there is the discussions where we're supposed to contribute our thoughts. Seeing some of those entries are really intimidating. I don't have a bloody clue what they are writing. And come to think of it, i don't even know what we're supposed to be discussing in the first place. So there goes my 10% it seems. And my Dean's List. And my double major. And my life. Never before have i felt so intimidated just to attend classes. Being the alone doesn't really help. Not knowing anyone, not understanding a shit and basically not having any fun is well, no fun at all.

I really feel stupid. Maybe i'm just not cut out to study such abstract things. I must have been either drunk or in a daze when i said that maybe i'm more cut out for the social sciences. Haha. Damn i really must pull myself together, quick. 6 weeks isn't enough time for me to whine. But then again, is it enough time for me to shake off the rust and start thinking properly again? I should have done new media writing or something like that. Maybe it would have been the easier option and i would have to have this crazy dilemma going on in my head. I had a nightmare about the work i should be doing the day after i started classes. I must be losing it, or maybe i already have. One thing is for sure though. I'm NOT going to be a philosophy major.

Anyway, while i try to get my head right way up again, here's a little something for you to think about. St. Augustine wrote "Six is a number perfect in itself, and not because God created all things in six day; rather the inverse is true, that God created all things in six days because the number is perfect, and it would remain perfect even if the work of the six days did not exist." Does this mean that mean that since the science of numbers (ie mathematics) is perfect which results in there being a God, or is it because God is perfect that's why mathematics is perfect?

Just something for you people to think about while i try to think about what exactly i should be doing right now.

New Beginnings

2008-05-05T22:21:00.002+08:00

First off, i would like to apologize for not updating as often as i would have liked. Just that i haven't been able to gather my thoughts in an orderly manner and type them down in a manner which i would consider 'proper'. Anyway, i know you're sick of seeing my photos (ahem, ms yong) so i'll try my hand at writing again.

Its been 6 months since i left the army and now i'm about to start being a student again. Finally the wait is over. There is only that much anime and dramas which i can take and i'm pretty much at my limit (i watched 168 episodes of BLEACH in 4 days). I've got a crick in my neck and my head hurts from the poor quality of the videos and my bad posture. Not to mention some pretty horrible subtitles to go along with it. Thankfully the special term starts next week. 2 days of school a week, focused on only 1 module. I should be able to do well if i don't get distracted by too many things again. Though philosophy is something totally new to me, i'll try my best.

I've been thinking lately. Where did i go wrong? After awhile and a little inspiration after, i've realized my mistake. My mask has been broken. Now i have to fight my inner daemons again and try to regain the mask that i once wore with pride. My problems all stemmed from 1 single moment of weakness in college and i have been suffering for it ever since. I let down my guard just for an instant and i was beaten up so badly that even i barely recognise myself now. And now that i'm about to start again in the University, i'm hoping i don't make the same mistake again. therefore i have to find my mask and put it on again. Only then will i be able to fight at my full strength and regain the confidence and composure in once had.

Something weird just happened. Before i started typing, i had alot of things i wanted to say. But now i can't even remember what it was. Haha. I apologise if my syntax and spelling is screwed. I'm becoming senile before i even hit 21. Damn i'm getting old before my time. Anyways, May seems to be an interesting month for my. The start of school, my driving test and plenty of other stuff to do.

To new beginnings and bitter endings.

Pictures from London

2008-04-10T16:20:00.006+08:00

I've got the photos from my trip to London! Finally. Haha. They were on my brother's computer all along, so i'll put them up on the blog (if i can figure out how to work the photo uploader properly). Anyway, most of the photos turned up crap so i'll only put a few of them up. Quite embarrassing really, travelling half way around the world and not having any decent photographs. Oh well. Haha.

The giant crack at the Tate Modern. You can literally fall into art it seems.

Looks kinda like the Arc De Triumph in Paris right? Its actually Wellington's Arch, celebrating his victory over Napoleon. The irony.

Houses of Parliament. To think Singapore was ruled as a Crown Colony from here for more than a century.

No originality in Singapore. The Eye was here before we even dreamed of having a huge, gaudy Ferris Wheel at Marina. It was a tad on the expensive side so i didn't bother much with it.

The home of the Prime Minister of Britain, Downing Street, part of the Axis of Evil (together with Britain's erstwhile ally the US). Apparently you used to be able to walk right up to the doorstep of No.10. These days there is a gate and maybe a hundred armed policemen to get through. Wonder what he's afraid of.

I swear i saw the guy move and the horse take a crap right in front of my eyes. So much for British discipline.

I've wanted to eat here for ages. Jaime Oliver's restaurant in London, Fifteen. Apparently you need to make a reservation 6 months in advance for lunch and dinner but during breakfast the place was empty. Wonder why?

Me and my brother in front of the restaurant. He was my host for the 2 weeks i spent in London. Not that he ahd much of a choice. Anyway, i had to cook for him and smuggle up some local food too. He made my trip enjoyable. Thanks Ian! The person taking the photograph is his girlfriend. You can see her in the reflection of the door.

The werks. A full English breakfast. If only i could wake up every morning to this. I would die a happy man. The black round thing is blood pudding. As disgusting as it may sound, it taste really good.

Welcome to Middle-Earth! Ermm, actually, its just the London Borough of Greenwich. The rolling green fields of Greenwich Park are so much greener than let's say, the National Stadium turf. And it was the end of winter. Mr. Groundskeeper of the National Stadium, please do your job . Thanks you!

The hallways of the Royal Naval College (or Academy) in Greenwich. The Sun actually decided to show itself that day. Which means there are only 59 more sunny days left in London for the year.

I'm not kidding when i say that this is a state-of-the-art navigation and time-keeping device. Seriously. In the 18th century. The red ball on the roof of the Royal Observatory served to help sailors adjust the time on their ships clocks to GMT. The ball drops everyday at 1pm GMT till this day (even though there are digital clocks and no ships coming up the Thames).

This is where GMT really is. I took this photo standing in the western hemisphere. Anyway, this is where modern time was invented. Oh and i forgot to rotate it too. I'm too lazy to upload it again anyway so i'm not going to bother. If you want a really good look at it, either turn your head or go to Greenwich!

I look constipated in this photo, because i was. Taken at the Prime Meridian at Greenwich. I was having so much fun that i had forgotten to take a proper dump in the morning before heading out. There was the 20p public toilet (automatic) which i decided to forgo. I just had to hold it in for the rest of the day till i got back.

The view from the Stone Gallery at St. Paul's Cathedral. Designed by Sir Christopher Wren after the Great Fire in 16-something, it is one of the most prominent features in the London skyline even in this age of high-rises and weird looking structures (read "the Dildo" 30 St. Mary's Axe)

Westminster Cathedral in Victoria in West London. The Mother church of the Catholic Church in Britain. Its still under construction more than a hundred years after construction first began. Constructed in the Byzantine style,its red-brick facade makes it one of the more prominent landmarks in London. And admission was free.
The interior of Westminster Cathedral. This is one of the few churches which allow photography as long as services are not going on. Its not complete yet but as money starts coming in from all around the world the golden frescos and mosaics are slowly but surely creeping up towards the ceiling.

And this is Westminster Abbey. Not to be mistaken with the Cathedral. This is where coronations for English monarchs have taken place since God knows when. Aside from the rather impressive architecture and facade, its just a glorified cemetery where anybody who is anybody in British society has been buried.

Ok. So that has been about all the photographs i have which wouldn't put me in compromising positions later. The others wouldn't really interest you. After the better part of 3 hours, its finally done. I swear i won't be doing this very often, uploading photos. Haha. Its a pain in the ass. If you really want to see what London is like, go there for yourself. Breathe the air (polluted), enjoy the food. Take in the sights and immerse yourself in over 1000 years of history. If you have the time and money for just 1 place in Europe, go to London. You won't be disappointed.

The 150

2008-04-04T10:49:00.002+08:00

This is the 150th post on the blog. Yeah woot, bells and whistles. Haha very funny. Here's a stick so use it and beat the living shit out of me because i can't take living like this anymore. Seriously, here's a stick. Beat me up with it. I'm tired of beating myself so i'm letting you take over. Go ahead, it won't hurt me. I've been in so much shit that it a few more bruises and broken bones won't make that much of a difference.

So you want to know how i've been. I'm fine. That's unless you want to know the truth. Truth is, i'm feeling really crap. I don't know why. Maybe its because i've got nothing to do anymore. I'm tired. I really am, but i can't get enough rest. Too many things are going through my head for me to get any proper rest. I feel like i'm going crazy. Not that i haven't felt ike this before, but this time it feels so much worse. And then again, i have no one to really talk to about my problems. Yeah sure i still do talk to the guys, and talk about killing, death and guy things really isn't that bad. But there is a limit, especially when no one cares to listen to what i really want to talk about.

Then again, i think i may have put myself into this rut. There was a time not too many months ago when i felt happy and sane. When i had someone who i could talk too, even if it was very one sided. Someone who cared enough to bother that i was alive. Then i had to wreck it all by self-destructing again. And now that i really need a pick up, she's nowhere to be found. Not really. She's always there online, but i just don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to even begin a conversation. Have i degenerated that much in just a few months? Have my social skills become non-existent? I think they have.

I really want to talk to her. I want her to read this post. I know i'm pathetic. I'm a shadow now. I'm not a person and i don't deserve to be one if i can't eve get a hold of myself. The path i'm walking can only lead to self-destruction and i don't know how to turn back. Only a miracle can save me. Maybe only she can.

I'm disappointed with myself. Am i that weak-willed?

Murphy's Law

2008-03-25T15:58:00.002+08:00

When i was in London for my holiday, in the interest of saving money, i lived with my bro in his apartment. In his room, there was a poster regarding Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Basically that's what its about. Maybe it has to do with some physics theories and stuff, but i left that a long way behind when i left school. So one of the quotes goes, "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn." And my personal favourite, "The item you call someone to fix works when he's there. But as soon as he leaves, its broken again" Its these bits of humour which add some colour to what would be the most boring period of my life.

Ever since i left the Army back in November last year, i can count the number of times i've gone out with my fingers and toes. So for 5 months i haven't really done anything productive or vaguely interesting. Yeah, it gets kinda lonely when you don't head out once in awhile. Seriously. Other than for my grand holiday to London, i haven't really done anything. Fine, i do go for driving lessons, but i'm really crap so i kinda hate going for them. Sigh. My life is going out of order. I don't even know what i should do. I'm bored, lonely and depressed. Maybe the beginning of school would bring some relief.

Speaking of school, i've got my timetable for the special term which starts in May. I only have 2 days of school a week. Hah! Fantastic if i could say so myself. I'll be reading a Philosophy module Reason and Persuasion, which touches on the works of Plato and Descartes. Hopefully i'll be able to understand what they are teaching during lectures. Damn i really want to do well in school. This is my last chance to prove to my parents and those assholes who think that i'm stupid, that i'm not. I'm going to own every single one of their monkey backsides, and when i'm done, i'll rub my degree into their faces and ask them to eat shit. Haha (evil laugh). Ok, that was a bit graphic and overboard, but hey, i have to prove that i can do it right? This time round, nothing is going to stop me. Hopefully.

Oh well, after an amazing cock up, i can't upload any photos from my trip cos my bro didn't bring back his camera. Actually come to think of it, its nothing much really. This means however that the photos will only come sometime in June when he's back for the summer. Yeah. Its going to be awhile.

Truth is, i guess that the reason i'm feeling like this is because i just can't stop thinking of her. I figure that she's moved on and stuff, but i haven't. Here i am, still hoping and waiting that one day, some day, it would work itself out. I'm way pass the self pity stage of things, but i just can't get her out of my head. I doubt she ever will be out of my life. We haven't talked for 3 months now. I wonder how she's doing.

London town

2008-03-07T09:28:00.003+08:00

I think its time i posted. Was supposed to do it yesterday but i was too tired (excuses). Haha. Its been 4 days since i've gotten back from my trip and i'm still feeling jet-lagged (kind of) and my body clock has gone all wonky on me. Imagine if i went to the US, i would be dead for a week at least. Anyway, this post is supposed to be about my trip to London, so here goes!

"What's London like?" People have been asking me that ever since i've gotten back. How do i start to describe the place. It's the first time i've been to Europe and i must say that i can vaguely understand why the Brits used to own almost half the world. It really is a beautiful city. Ok fine, the weather sucked and the place looked gloomy half the time. But underneath all the grime, the grey skies and persistent drizzles of rain, it really is quite a nice place to live. The weather was mostly agreeable with me and the food is good. History abounds in the city which is not surprising considering the long history of the city. Unlike Singapore with its towering office blocks and stacked up living spaces, the city of London manages to blend the old and the new (for example 30 St. Mary Axe which my brother refers to as the 'dildo'), the historically important and modern conveniences all into a rather compact space. The seemingly haphazard city planning gives it a sort of romantic feel which you'll never find in Singapore. Yes, the streets may be dirty and the Sun may be non-existent. Its no Singapore that's for sure, but then again, it offers so much more.

So let's talk about food. The British national dish is Fish and Chips. And i love it. Even though many professional chefs may diss it as being boring, Fish and Chips are actually really good. They taste better than anything you can get in Singapore that's for sure. The fish is usually haddock (cod is hard to come by), but even then it still taste great. The flesh falls apart on your fork and the taste is subtle and sometimes even sweet. And the chips. Doused in malt vinegar and a liberal amount of salt (who cares about blood pressure), they taste absolutely divine. And then there are the Kebabs. The mystery meat which comes in huge chunks and lightly roasted on standing rotisseries actually taste quite good (though your kind of put off thinking about what goes in the meat). With fries, they taste even better. Ok, i may have been to better places to eat than that (i went to Fifteen, Jaime Oliver's restaurant in London), but those 2 dishes really left an impression on me. If ever you go to London, you absolutely must eat those 2 things.

Now on to the sights. Huge Gothic looking churches, Big Ben, Houses of Parliament (where we used to be governed from), Greenwich, the museums, Oxford and Regent streets, the Thames and not forgetting the tower of London. I won't write about them here, because words can't do justice to them. Pictures. When my brother gets back from London in 2 weeks with his camera, i'll upload them on Facebook then. All i can say is that they are unlike anything Singapore can provide. Hands down, London wins.

The only thing that Singapore does beat London in is public transport. Actually, truth is, London is easier to get around than Singapore. Its just that traffic there is horrendous. You can actually freeze to death while waiting for the bus to move about 100m. Then there is the Tube. I was actually quite afraid to use it when i first arrived. I had heard stories about it. Here, 'Mind the Gap' takes on a whole new meaning. Its not a gap really. Its a bloody step. And even when there are gaps, they are bloody huge. Kids could fall into them even when the train has pulled into the station. And since there are no doors at Underground stations, as the train approaches the platform, you can actually see rats scurrying away from the tracks. Its kinda cool actually, just don't get freaked out when you see it.

Actually, that's really all i have to say about my trip. Weird, considering that i spent 12 days there. Photos are so much easier to describe my trip. Words wouldn't be able to describe it fully. I had loads of fun there even though i was alone most of the time. The weather wasn't as bad as i made it sound, just that i'm not really used to it. I did a hell load of walking (because i was afraid of public transport until near the end of my trip) but i didn't sweat much. I really enjoyed myself and am looking forward to the next time i head back out there (most probably next year for my brother's graduation).

So wait out for the photos. I'll figure out a way to upload them. My computer is starting to commit suicide so i don't know if i'll be successful. A word of advice. Everyone should visit London once. Whether its for the shopping (Oxford Street kinda rocks), the history (the museums and churches) or if its just to chill out (Greenwich and the royal parks), London has it all.

Back

2008-03-04T22:41:00.002+08:00

Just got back from London yesterday. Still feeling the effects of sitting on my ass for 12 hours straight with a fat guy spilling over in to my seat. And it doesn't help that i could only get 1 hour of sleep on board. So yeah, i'm pretty much wasted from all the travel and the time difference so i'll write about my trip when i feel up to it, probably in about a day or so. Most likely on Thursday if nothing crops up. Damn my spelling has gone to shit, keep having to do corrections to my writing. I need sleep. Haha.

Watch this space, something happy to talk about for once. =)

Am i falling again?

2008-02-05T17:55:00.001+08:00

It was supposed to be just another day. It all happened in an instant. Lazing around in bed, planning the day ahead, when a thought struck me. It was her msn nick yesterday. Just 3 alphabets which may or may not make sense to most of us. ily. It hit me like a hammer blow to the head. I sat up in bed immediately. This can't be happening... Or can it?

Once again i think i'm going crazy. Am i in that bad a mental state that something like that could just shake me to the bones? And i thought that it was a thing in the past these feelings i have for her. Obviously i'm wrong because i just can't get her out of my head. When i think i've gotten a hold of my emotions, they come around and throttle me all over again. I've gone from bad to worse it seems. I've been kidding myself with the illusion that things could work out just once. It just seems that i'm a hopeless romantic after all.

If you still don't get what ily stands for, you most probably haven't been in love before or you're just plain stupid. It didn't occur to me at first too so its not your fault. Whatever it means, the y obviously doesn't apply to me. Looks like she may have someone else in her life again.

A Map for Saturday

2008-01-27T12:35:00.000+08:00

Its been ages since i've last posted. Maybe because i've been too caught up with my driving, or painting, or just plain lazy (i think this is the reason). Lately i haven't had much inspiration. But recently i caught a show on cable and it was quite nice. The show was called "Map for Saturday" and it chronicles the life of a backpacker who spent a whole year traveling around the world, roughing out the life of a backpacker. Living in youth hostels and stuff like that must have been real tough. I have no illusions of seeing myself doing anything like that in the near future. After all, i really am just living for the 2 weeks out of the year where i can just take time off work and stuff. Not that i'm working now but in the future, after i graduate. I don't think i can spend a whole year just traveling, even though there are so many places i would love to visit.

Anyway, the show kinda inspired me. Not to travel, but to live my life to the fullest. Nowadays, for the next few months at least, i can afford to live like everyday is a Saturday. Saturdays are not like any other days. Think about it. On weekdays, people have to work, go to school and do things which they may or may not really enjoy. On Sundays, even though it is a weekend, the feeling is just not there. There usually is a pall hanging over Sundays, with the troubles of the coming week looming on the horizon. Most people can't really enjoy Sundays to the fullest because of this. Saturdays on the other hand, are the most carefree days in the week. Its just after a hectic work week. The next day is a Sunday. You don't have to worry about much. Its the weekend weekend. Ah, Saturdays.

Now that my life is full of Saturdays, its time i did something about it. I'm looking for things to do. Things that excite me, things that make me want to jump up and scream. This that scare me and things that i may consider doing in the long run. I don't want to keep on being cooped up in my room staring at the computer screen, playing solitaire, watching the telly, painting etc. Its time i got out and did my thing, and start enjoying my life and my free time while i still have free time. I don't want to have to look back at this period of my life and say that i wasted it. I still have 3 months before i head back to the trenches and do battle with the books. Its time i did something about it.

Oh yeah. I'm going to London after Chinese New Year. That's all just part of my map for Saturday.

New Year, old demons

2008-01-08T19:02:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to everyone. Not that it is a very happy new year, but still, Happy New Year. It just feels like a continuation of the bad dream we call life. The year pretty much started out on the wrong foot for me. But yeah, a few days on and i think i may actually do fine this year, if things don't go spiraling out of control again, like my emotions. Speaking of emotions, ignore the previous post, really. I wasn't in control of myself then, just a temporary madness. Not that i didn't mean what i said, i really do, but yeah. I just wasn't thinking straight when i was writing that.

Its a new year, with new things to look forward to. I start studying in the University this year and hopefully i do well. Getting my life in order is a top priority too. I have to start acting my age and start thinking like an adult. But if i keep slipping back into moods like the previous one, i'm never going to get anywhere, which is really sad. I may have been killing myself slowly without me noticing anything. Now that i understand things better (more or less), i have to make a conscious effort to keep myself from following old patterns again. I guess that the reasons why i have been unsuccessful after so many attempts is because of this. I'm going to be 21 so i had better start acting my age.

Speaking of turning 21, it seems that people are starting to have their birthdays already. Already i've been booked on 3 days. Which means 3 presents, which means more going out of my pocket. That leaves me with almost no money to spend for the most important birthday at the end of the year. Come to think of it, what's so special about 21 anyway? Its just another year added to our ages. All i know is that i'm starting to feel a little old now, which is not a good thing because i feel like i've wasted most of my youth on nothing. Sigh.

Anyway, its kind of a tradition to come up with resolutions at the new year, and this year is no exception. So here are my resolutions, and hopefully i can achieve them.

Get my driver's license
Study hard and do well in Uni
Be less of a pain in the ass and more of a friend
Put to rest all my old demons
Make my peace with her, no matter what the outcome is

Ah sigh, so its another new year ahead. Maybe 2008 isn't that bad after all. Just have to look at the bright side of things and hopefully things will finally turn out good for me.

First, last. No regrets.

2007-12-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a holiday over Christmas. Even though i went for it being rather unhappy about spending Christmas on a ship, it turned out rather well, with some surprises thrown into it. Did some real fun stuff there and some rather unpleasant things too, but you only live once right? No regrets! I'll write about what i did some other time. Right now, there are more important issues to address.

As other people on board slept, a lonesome figure (me) would be seen by those crew on night duty pacing up and down the top deck of the ship. Maybe its because i really love the sea or maybe its because there are too many things on my mind. Recently i've been finding it difficult to get any form of proper rest, mainly because i have had too many things on my mind to handle. Things just keep going through my mind. I know she told me not too look too much into things but i just can't help myself. Its my personality to want to look into things till the end and if the end is unfavourable, i will worry about it and do everything to get it to be alright. Anyway, so as i was standing on the deck looking at the inky blackness of the sea, thoughts just kept rolling into my head. Then i realised what i was meant to have done a long time ago. Bringing me back to the days when things were so much simpler.

About 4 years ago, at around this time of the year, i had made a vow to myself. That was one vow which i could never keep. The temptations present in a Co-ed Junior College were too much for me to handle. After spending 10 years in a 'chaste' all-boys environment, i could help myself but to fall. It took me by surprise. A simple smile was all it took to make me go crazy, especially from someone like her. Her voice, her laughter the way she did things left me dumbfounded and paralysed. 4 years of Secondary school life spent practising nearly 24/7 just to please some overbearing bastard's ego had left me thinking that women were really from another planet. I just didn't know how to react and everything caught me by surprise. The first time i saw her, i was literally blown away, even though i barely knew who she was.

Once the future seemed so bright before me. I was poised for greatness. And yet i let myself get messed up in the head over something which normally would have little or no effect on me. I stumbled at the last hurdle but i don't blame her for it. It really is not her fault. If there is anyone to blame, it will have to be me and no one else. I made myself into the monster i've become. Effectively, i've lost 4 years of my life and i didn't even know it. I've gone from hero to zero in a shorter period of time. Nowadays, i'm just a shell of who i used to be.

Anyway, you must be wondering why i came up with such a title. "Men and women are different when it comes to relationships. Men want their first to be their last, but women what their last to be like their first". I've lived on this earth for 20 years already and i have only love 1 other woman more than my mother. She was the first and on this day, the 29th of December 2007, i swear she will be my last. Truth is, after loving her all these years, it is hard for me to be with anyone else. Damn, ive said it. Actually, i really cannot see myself being with anyone other than her. There was once she told me that i'm sure to meet someone fantastic. Maybe i've already met someone fantastic, and that person is her. I doubt i'll meet anyone better than her and if i do, she'll always be the benchmark. And even that level is set pretty high. I doubt many girls could meet that standard.

Anyway, when all is said and done, maybe the best thing to do is to stay single. Nothing wrong with being single right? If things keep up the way they are right now, its the best option for me. No regrets, that will be my new motto. I wonder how i can sound so happy when i'm typing this but actually deep down inside i'm hurting. Hurting like i've never hurt before. It hurts me when i think about it, it hurts when i talk about it, and it hurts the most when i'm so close to saying those 3 magic words, only to refrain from saying them because i'm a wuss. Because i'm afraid that i would have to endure those words from her again. Because i'm afraid of destroying whatever i have now with her. Because i have no self-dignity left that i just can't pull it off.

Thinking about it, the last time we met, i just didn't know what to say or what to do. Watching her from the bus stop as she turned her back on me and walked into school, i felt that a part of me had just died again. A part of me wanted to run up to her and hug her yet the other part of me told me to walk away. No prizes for guess which part won. I regretted it almost immediately after that.

At the end of the day there is only 1 thing i can say. I like her, i really do. And even if it doesn't work out between us, i still will like her. Its not a crush anymore, its something else. I like her and i have no regrets liking her. She was the first, and hopefully will be the last too. I've made my decision, i have no regrets.

Well, everyone's allowed dreams right?

2007-12-21T10:16:00.000+08:00

Its funny. The past week i have felt rather good, which is something very unusual to happen this time of the year. It just seems so dream like that i can't believe its even possible for me to feel this way. Just for this week, i was able to live in one of my dreams, doing the things i enjoy, being with the people i enjoy being with and just plain feeling good. It was one of those feel good weeks which comes by oh say once every year. This year's feel good week was long overdue by about 4 months but hey, its here and it felt good.

Too bad all good things come to an end. I just felt that it was too short. Its what you make out of it i guess. Either way, i'm hoping things look up next year. This year can be remembered (or forgotten for that matter) as one of the worst i have ever been through, and also one of the best. Like a double-bell shaped curve seen in biological stats, the highs are really high and the lows are really lows. Well, its over and i just have to keep looking forward and live a life without regrets.

Some how i just wished that i had said more the other day. Things just ended so abruptly that i still have this feeling that i'm missing out on something really important.

Begining to feel old..

2007-12-16T20:41:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning with a hacking cough and an aching back. Happy 20th Birthday Ivan. You're getting old and your body is starting to disintegrate each year that you progress. Ah what the hell. As i age, i'm starting to feel more like being a pain to others. Don't ask me why but it just feels that way. Maybe i'm weird. Who knows?

Thanks to all the people who sent me birthday wishes which, not counting family, came up to a grand total of 7 people. That is really how sad this birthday has been. Its not a special day, its just a day where you're supposed to be happy, feeling good about yourself, laughing and enjoying yourself be it with friends or family. Go figure how my 20th felt. Dry, boring and a real pain in the ass. Sometimes i wonder why i even care when most people don't.

So how did the day go was the question Ching asked. I had lunch with 2 aunts who really are old bags (but the do give pretty large ang paos so i allowed myself to be tortured for over 2 hours). Then i came home, took a nap then went for dinner with my parents which would have been totally fine if my sister wasn't doing her horse-face routine the entire night as she tried buying clothes for our coming trip (to nowhere really, its just some fancy dandy cruise where we are expected to wear suits to dinner). Then it was back home to write this account on how pathetic birthday celebrations have become to my family (and me for that matter).

Being 20 means alot of things. Firstly, i lose the -teen suffix to my age which also means that i can't afford to act like a kid or a teen any more. No more teenage angst and whining. Can't afford to show weakness to people. Having to be more mature in thought and deed. Things like that. And just for laughs, December 16th is the Independence Day of Kazakhstan. Very nice, great success!

Anyway, so that's how my 20th came and went. Sheesh! I'll be 21 next year and its supposed to be something special. Hope it doesn't turn out like this because the feeling really sucks. You should try it too, then you'll know how it really feels.

The month after...

2007-12-13T15:32:00.000+08:00

This post has been a long time coming. Ok, maybe 9 days ain't that long a period of time. Anyways, a late post is better than not having posted. Its been a month since i've become civilian once again. Thinking back, i really haven't done much during this period of time. Mostly, i've spent it either in front of the computer or the television. Not a very healthy way to burn the time till i get into Uni, but hey, beats wasting money with pointless activities and stuff. Other than for the infrequent forays into town, my life now is really quite boring. My life is punctuated by the injuries i've received from pushing myself too hard exercising. Every morning i wake up with pains all over. Maybe its a good thing. Pain makes me feel alive. It reminds me that i am only human. It keeps me firmly rooted in reality and prevents me from childish delusions of being different. As far as i'm concerned, i'm no different from the random guy on the street.

I guess that maybe the highlight of this month of vegetation must be the day i spent in Sentosa with Ching. Yeah it may sound kinda gay but hey, when you're on short notice, anything goes. It had been ages since i last visited the island even though its just across a tiny strip of water from where i live. And my, has the place changed. It looks so different now that they are building the IR there. Where once was the ferry terminal, the cycling tracks and fantasy island is now a massive construction site. Anyway we visited Underwater World, Fort Siloso and the Dolphin Lagoon. Its was quite fun considering that it was just 2 guys. Underwater World was nice. It has really changed from the last time i went there. The exhibits were good and just going through the tunnel brought back memories from the past. Fort Siloso was fun too. At least it fed my appetite for all things old and of big guns. Then it was off to the Dolphin Lagoon. Initially i was kinda sceptical, mainly because i've never really seen the allure of frolicking around in the water with animals armed with a few hundred razor sharp things. But just standing there watching the dolphins do their thing really amused me and it felt kinda good.

Now that the month is over, i still have another 5 months to go before i get to start school. I'm bored and going crazy mostly but it beats being in the Army so i'm not complaining. I just have to find some stuff to do to keep me occupied. Driving practical starts in the beginning of next year and hopefully i'll get my licence by the time i start school. Screw the triangle plate while driving to school, i don't really care. What matters most is that i finally have some freedom to move around on my own not having to worry about late night taxi fares and whether i'm going to miss the last bus. Next i've got to start working. Come this friday, i may get a job at a brokerage firm, but i'm not sure if i want it. On top of that my Dad is enlisting me to work in his clinic 4 times a week. Negotiations about the pay are currently ongoing. Haha.

5 more months to go. Am i going to survive without going crazy? Hopefully i will.

Light in your eyes.

2007-12-01T16:56:00.000+08:00

I'm back. After the events of last week, i think i've finally come round to some of the issues in my life. Thanks to those people who were there for me. I know it must be a pain because i slip into these moods ever so often and for no apparent reason. At least i know that there are people who actually care out there, some unexpected ones and some which really made me feel much better. Thanks. =)

Anyway, its the Christmas season again. Not that i really enjoy Christmas that much, but yeah, its here again. This season, i think i'll make a promise to myself, which i hope i can keep. This year, i'll try to enjoy Christmas. Usually its the time of the year that i get a whole load of news which i don't like to hear and it screws up my moods. Sheesh! I sound like a girl with moods and stuff. I'll try not to look into my head so much and just try to enjoy being around family. I don't know why i'm writing this. Hopefully this year Christmas would be different for me. Maybe, for a change i'll get some good news. Who knows? Just as she said, i've got to find myself again before i get others to find me. Maybe that's where i've been going wrong all this time. I don't really know who or what i am. The person i really am is not the person i make myself out to be. Its just that not many people know this and it takes a bit of digging to find it. And i've got to open up more too i guess.

Well, i hope things look up again. I've got to try. I can't afford to keep on falling into this cycle over and over again. Now that i have less things on my hands and more time to do the things i want to do, i had better start improving myself if i'm ever to reach my dreams. I've got to start exercising cos i'm getting fat. I've got to get my driving licence before Chinese New Year. And many other things. Its a little early to wish for things in the coming year, but there are things which i really really want.

Enough for now. My thoughts are still swirling around inside my head. Before i start writing the wrong things, its time to go.

Confessions of the broken.

2007-11-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

I woke up 3 this afternoon, and i still feel tired. Thinking back at the last 3 weeks since i left the Army, it looks like i've hit new lows in my life. Nowadays, it seems that all i do is eat, sleep watch televison, play games on the computer, maybe do a bit of cooking and play a few rounds of squash with an old man. I have no social life to speak of. I think my friends don't want to talk to me or are preoccupied with other things. I feel left out from others. My life has gone to the dumps and its staying there for what seems like an extended stay. Spiralling out of control. I thought that leaving the Army would give me the opportunity to start on a clean slate, to have greater control over my life and my actions. But no. Instead it has caused me more pain. Even now as i'm writing these thoughts out, i just keep getting the feeling that i'm losing out on something.

The events which unfolded last night just go to show how much of a social vegetable i've become. Went out for dinner with Jean and KP. Dinner was rather uneventful. But things just kept bugging me during dinner. I didn't say much. Then came the after dinner activities. I came to realise then how much i've changed. I just couldn't click with them anymore, even KP with whom i've been through so much with. It felt unreal. Sure, i wouldn't mind a few drinks and stuff but, yeah, i just can't do it anymore and i don't know why. I think what really felt weird was the ease in which they talk about other people. Either way, i don't believe that i've gone that deep into depravity that i just can't do anything right anymore. I'm too sensitive about things. I let my heart guide my actions rather than making logical decisions based on what would be right for me. I don't share the same interest as my friends anymore. All i've become is a useless home-body. I don't know what goes on with them anymore. I don't know what they are thinking or what they are doing. I've become suspicious, maybe even paranoid that people are talking behind my backs. When they ask me out, i wonder if its out of pity or whether its because they genuinely want to hang out. I really don't know who i am anymore. I pretend to be the person i currently am, but i can't hold it much longer. I seem to be taking on the role of the clown everytime we meet up. I laugh, i try to entertain, i crack the joke, i offer the opposing view. But yet, that is not the kind of person i want to be, neither is it the kind of life i want to lead. I've seemed to have lost all confidence in myself. I can't even bring myself to understand my own feelings. Its a crazy thing really. The crazy times.

Other things seem to be bothering me too. They are kinda sensitive really. It just seems that everytime the end of November draws near, my emotions seem to take a spin. Come to think of it, i have lost all respect for myself because of this, seeing that i can't even keep promises i made to myself. I don't know how to say it really. This has really played havoc on me for along time. I said before that it should stop, but how do you stop your own human emotions, especially if they concern someone who you really care for. Its stupid of me to be saying this now. I don't know what to say or how to put it down in words. I need a few beers and a person who's willing to really listen to what i have to say and not go on rambling about their latest achievements or gossiping about whos seeing who or who broke up with who. They don't seem to spare a thought for the guy who's sitting in front of them who has had feelings for the same girl for the past 4 years even after the numerous times that he's been turned down flat and the times she's been with other guys. When that happens i really feel like the fool. All i can do is nod my head and pretend to be interested. But who knows what really goes on inside my head, the hurt i begin to feel which i try so hard to surpress. And now its come back to bite me. I don't know how to move on and what i should do about it anymore.

These really are ramblings. I think i've written enough for now. I really need someone who can bring me back into the world and stop me from slipping further and further away from reality.